here I am again

[shorty20]

wow, can I just say that this site is kind of addicting? Every time something happens, I have to come here and post it to see what you guys say.... so I've been posting alot about this friend that I've been spending alot of time with. We kind of dated, although we were never official. We spent alot of time together, and had some great times! He seemed to be so sweet. Well, he's been sending me so many mixed signals (with talking about his ex ALL THE TIME and not wanting to come to my town to meet my frends, and then he'll beg me to go see him because he misses me, blah blah) yea, very confusing. So after posting a couple times here, and talking with some friends, I decided to just be friends with him. He called last night at like 10:00 and wanted me to go out to his place. It was kind of late, but I decided to go, and it's a half hour drive. I got there, and everythign was fine... we were talking and laughing, flirting but not too much. Then he gets a call and walks outside the door.. and comes back in with this other girl and her friend... the girl that he'd been telling me likes him... and from that point on he kind of ignored me... we were playing tiger woods, and he kept getting up from the game to go talk to them or whatever.... if i'd known he was going to have other people there I wouldn't have driven a half hour to see him.... I put up with it for about 10 min. until the girls went outside to smoke, and he went with them. I just went outside and said I was tired and was going to go home. I didn't really have a right to be pissed, cuz him and I aren't together, but it still kinda hurt the way he was being so stand offish... so he immediately pulls me back into his apartment and closes the door so they can't see and asks why i'm leaving... if i'm mad... and then he tries to kiss me! I turned away and he's like You ARE mad!! I said no, I'm not mad, just don't want to play games... We're friends, ok? So he looked all disappointed, and I left... Then, he got online later that night, and started talking to me again... apologizing for earlier and all this other stuff, asking if he can cook me dinner...... I don't get it! I honestly don't understand... please help me know what I'm supposed to do. I want to be friends with this guy, but I don't think thats all he wants.... I don't know, maybe some of you guys might have some insight as to whats going on in this guys head....

[hk87]

Get rid of him seriously. There is no point being with a guy who messes with your head. Life is far too complicated to add that to it aswell, trying to work out what he's thinking or playing at!

Find someone who loves you for you, and who doesn't talk about his exs all the time, nor invite other girls over when he has asked you. Maybe it was a test to see if you would get jealous, but even so, he's not worth it.

 

take care, hk87

[djedix]

I know you like him, but you've got to move on..

 

There will be someone better.

[shorty20]

it's not even a matter of liking him anymore... I told him we were just friends... I decided that and I'm sticking with it. It's not a matter of moving on... i'm just trying to figure him out... why he acts like that... why he's so stand-offish and then acts disappointed when I leave... then asks if he can cook me dinner blah blah.. like he pushes me away then tries to pull me back... i don't get it

[Shadows Light]

Well.. his kissing you is denoting that he wants to be more than just friends.

 

And... I think he has bad manners. He invited you out to his place, and then had unexpected company. Understandable. However, as a good host/hostess... you make everyone feel welcome and comfortable, and you try to be all inclusive of everyone in your home.

 

Then... you said that "YOU" are always making the gestures by going out to his place. And he is not willing to share in your life, come to you... or meet your friends. hmmm. WHY? A friend should want to share their lives with you. And he can make the consession and do the 1/2 hour drive to meet you on your turf sometimes. Its sharing... its what friends do.

 

Right now... he may want MORE from you than friendship. But he doesn't even know how to be a good friend. So why bother and why cause yourself further angst.

 

Friendship is the platform you build a great love relationship on. If you can not even get to that first rung on that ladder... the rest of the climb will be frougt with precariousness, leaving you unsure and insecure about where you stand.

 

Hold yourself to a higher standard. It is what it is. Do not allow yourself to be used as his... emotional baggage holder (venting about X) without any reciprosity or due respect.

[RayKay]

I stick to what I said before - don't get involved with someone whom is still hung up on their ex, and obviously NOT ready to commit to more with you (be it due to an ex or whatever reason).

 

It's not worth your time, or heart.

 

You say you want to be friends, do you really? I am guessing not if you were upset about his actions and having other people over and so forth. If you want more, it might be better to keep some distance right now...

[djedix]

it's not even a matter of liking him anymore... I told him we were just friends... I decided that and I'm sticking with it. It's not a matter of moving on... i'm just trying to figure him out... why he acts like that... why he's so stand-offish and then acts disappointed when I leave... then asks if he can cook me dinner blah blah.. like he pushes me away then tries to pull me back... i don't get it

 

why put yourself through this? why try to understand? He has issues, especially if he's not over an ex. There are people, who do not do this. people who can be honest with you, and the way they feel about you. people who don't cause you heartache... and play games... you'll meet one them eventually. Honestly what do you gain by being friends with him?

[lillady898]

It seems like he's not completely over his ex. I'd back away a bit and give him space, even if you're just his friend. He probably has some things of his own to figure out, and until he does, you'll likely still get these confusing wishy-washy actions. This isn't fair to you at all.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hey Shorty...get rid of this guy. He's confused and his confusion is causing him to use you. He does want more but he is confused and you don't need that.

 

I recommend you go to NC with him for a while, until you both have clarity.

[shorty20]

see my big problem is I can't give up on people. I see the good in them, and that gives me hope. I see how sweet he can be, and how caring he can be, and how when I stop calling, he calls more... he's thinking about me. I don't want to be more than friends... not because I don't want him, but because I'm at the point in my life where I'm done playing games... I'm a relationship type of girl and always have been... I can't go around dating multiple guys and find that fulfilling. But I can't get to know someone, have deep conversations and lots of laughs and good times, and then just forget about them.... i CAN"T do it... i've tried. I don't want to be with him for my own sake... i know he's not ready or willing to give up his freedom, but I do want to be his friend... i like it when he comes to me, because I know I help him and give good advice... i like being able to help him through his problems... I have this curse... I can't ever turn my back on people... i can't give up on them... i always have some hope that they will come around and realize... I'm not a quitter.... i don't know if that makes sense but I just can't stop talking to him all together...

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I understand how you feel, because I used to be just like you. You will know when you're ready to bail out, when you get tired of being his shoulder to cry on, his back up, when you get tired of being around needy people.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to help people. Just remember...you save the world one person at a time, and you start by saving yourself. Take care of yourself and don't let yourself be taken advantage of.

[RayKay]

Look, I am the same. I got hurt MANY times because I always "saw the best in someone" and knew they were good at heart and so forth.

 

But, at some point I realized DAMN, why do THEY deserve me seeing the best in them and hanging around for scraps when they can't see the BEST IN ME! I found out the reason often was because I was not even sure what the best in me WAS when I lost myself hanging around for table scraps.

 

I don't know, in my experience when you wait for someone to "realize" what they eventually "realize" is that you were never the one for them in the first place, and they kind of lose respect for you too.

 

No one said you must date multiple guys. No one said you can't ever talk to him again. But I do think you DO need to distance yourself, stop waiting (and even when you say you are okay with friends...you need to truly BELIEVE that and so far it seems you don't) and not limit yourself to someone whom is really not limiting themselves to YOU at this point.

 

You know, I still see the best in people. I just don't let them walk over me while they are trying to find it And once I started realizing that and believing in myself, I found a great man, and a wonderful relationship where there is no waiting for the best in him - because he gives it to me EVERYDAY because he wants to.

[kellbell]

Shorty, I had the SAME EXACT ATTITUDE with this one dude I wanted to be with. Because we did get along, had good conversations and such. But he treated me real bad in others ways too. More bad than good I should say. I have a hard time turning my back on people as well, especially when I see the good in them. Hoping he would come around and such. Let me tell you for the record.... THEY NEVER COME AROUND!!!!! Not as long you as your are around taking his crap. He will come around when you leave and never look back. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

[djedix]

I've always wanted to be a hero to someone. Like kinda 'save them' since i saw the best in them... and always wanted to help them find the best in themselves. But the truth of the matter is that the only person who needed a hero, was me. You can't make someone relize something the don't want to.. they have to fall flat on there face, and experence it for themselves... you cant just wait around for this to happen. You could, but you're only hurting yourself in the long run.

 

you survived without this person in your life before....

[Shadows Light]

Reading through the posts... I realized that many women are the ones that "see the best" in someone and want to nurture it. A few men out there too. But not surprisingly we are the nurturers. And we want them to "realize" that their "POTENTIAL"... the potential that we see. How many of us have gotten married for those reasons... hoping they will "change" or we will be the catalyst that will "HELP" them change.

 

After being raked over the coals countless number of times. I've come to the conclusion that people only change if they want to. Of their own volition, want and need. I only have the capacity to control and change myself. I control what I will allow 'into' my life and how much of it.

 

Yes... I'm still as sap for a sob story. Big time. The only difference is... I will only 'allow' myself to be extended so far. Don't need the hurt anymore. Call it self preservation.

 

If its friendship that you want and its enough that he come to you...then allow him to come to you. However, if he walks all over you...then do him a favor and let him know. EXACTLY... What boudary line he's crossed. Then see if he comes back and see how long it takes him to learn the lesson.

 

If your intent is to teach. Then teach... you can't take it to heart, and you can't take it personally.

 

Its kind of like the TEEN-AGER that rebels at the parent and tells the parent that "THEY HATE THEM"... hmmm well, the parent is there to set boundaries and the kids not supposed to like it. His lesson is to work within those boudaries. Parent can't take it to heart... or take it personally. SAME thing in this instance. What you are talking about is helping someone come to the realization of their full potential... no difference. LOL... he just might be looking at you as being patronizing... as trying to parent him. Let me tell you....you don't want to be a parent to an ADULT. Children are difficult enough... Adult Children are pains in the bucket.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Yes the business of saving people is hard work. You are young; you will realize soon enough when it is worth it and when it is not. But please don't let yourself be hurt by this person who is using you and treating you disrespectfully and inconsiderately, even if unintentionally.

 

If you are going to remain friends with him, I think that you should tell him how you feel about asking you to drive half an hour to see him at night and then blowing you off by not respecting your time and paying attention to you. Even if you're just friends, you deserve better than that.

[dreamsite23]

First off, I would like to say awesome signature. A Cinderella Story is a good movie too! I'm a Hilary Duff fan as well.

 

Anyway, like someone said: He is not over his ex. I mean inviting her over, when you are there too only makes the whole situation so excrutunatingly difficult and uncomfortable at the same time. I wouldn't waste my time with him. If he's not mature enough for you and keeps playing games with your heart, then I would move on!

[shorty20]

i have tried to move on... i stop calling him... stop initiating everything... and as soon as I do that, he calls more, misses me, blah blah, and I'm just too nice to be mean... by the way, it wasn't his ex that came over... it was just another girl that supposedly likes him.... i told him flat out the other day, that if he really wanted his ex back (which is what he'd been talking about for the past month) that he needed to stop messing around with other girls and get on the ball... I told him he needed to pick one and go with it... either he wanted his ex back or he wanted to be single or he wanted to be in a relationship..... i don't care which one but he's trying to do it all!!! He told me he didn't want his ex back anymore (yea, ok) but anywayz, yea I've just been trying to be strong and avoid his calls.... thats the only way I can stay strong is to not talk ot him at all...

[dreamsite23]

Hey, sorry about that I guess I read it wrong the first time. Anyway, you did the right thing of telling him that he shouldn't be messing around anymore. Oh sure he "says" he doesn't want his ex back. The guy is so confused, and doesn't know what he wants. He's selfish cause he thinks he can get everything, it's like he's multi-tasking but using Women instead. That's not right! Just keep doing what you are doing by ignoring and avoiding his calls. He will get it eventually that you aren't gonna wait for him to make up his mind!