When/How?

[BillyJean714]

Have you guys ever been a in predicament, where you're just so sick and tired of dead end relationships? How do you know if there is no future in it, when all you want is to find someone who is just as sincere about their inentions as you are? I guess, what I'm asking is, how I will know that a guy that I'm dating really wants to take me seriously?

 

I know, I keep on answering other people's question, and I intuitively know the answer to my own problems. Maybe I'm in denail.

 

I'm just so tired of dating, especially when the next guy that comes along says the same thing over and over. Every time I hear a guy go, "Dang girl, look at that!" and check me out like I'm a piece of meat, it REALLY hurts. I guess, it should be taken as a compliment, but I take it a different way. Its as if I can never find a person who loves me for me. How come?

 

And, to clarify things, I don't dress like a hootchie mama. I'm not one of those teeny boppers begging for constant attention. I'm a young 23 year old who knows what she wants. It just REALLY hurts me, because all I want is a nice guy. How do I know, and when will I know I have found one? Do I know all of the answers to my own questions, or am I just always in denial? I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice or words of wisdom would help a lot. And, maybe it will help others who are in the same situation as I am in. Thanks.

[RayKay]

How do you know? I think you truly just know.

 

When my last ex and I ended things, I made a promise to myself that I was tired of all these relationships that went nowhere, I was tired of being with someone whom had different goals for the future, whom wanted different things, who was not in the same place in life as I was. I kind of said to myself that the next time I chose to get involved with someone, it would be because that was IT. I would not enter into something just because I really really liked him even if I KNEW he was not ready for more in his life, and had expressly said he was not ready for anything serious in his life.

 

Honestly, you will know. Because a guy that takes you seriously and truly wants a future with you will be very sure that you know that, and will be very sure that you don't "get away".

 

And you know, just because a guy thinks you are hot, does not preclude him from also being just as into the woman inside as the one on the outside - I mean ideally, the guy you spend the rest of your life with should be into you on all levels, right?

 

Maybe also look at your patterns - why do you go for guys whom are really not at that same stage in life? Do you find yourself always going for the same type, and not going for the other types? I am now with a fantastic guy - though he is different then the usual ones I may have been with - he is more shy, and laid back in many ways then the more outgoing guys I often was with, but it turns out, he was everything I wanted and needed and so much more - we are truly compatible on all levels.

[chai714]

You get offended when a guy makes a comment like that - my first question would be what are you wearing? You say you don't dress like a hoochie though huh? I'm trying to make sense of this - men are men and you're gonna get that. I've seen a completely repulsive woman get stares, barks, whistles, etc. so you're gonna have to shrug those comments off.

 

How can you find a nice guy? You can't. Dating is a numbers game and all people play games, so you might as well take the time to learn how and be good at it. First off, I would start off by asking yourself where you're meeting people. You want a guy with truly good intentions? You can find him volunteering at a hospital, tutoring a child, or taking care of his sick grandma at an elderly home.

[lillady898]

I've been thinking the very same thing about my relationships lately. Most of my relationships ended because the guy wanted something very different from me... or all-around just wasn't who I expected. I've always ended up with that guy who just doesn't care.

 

Well, people like us who end up in this rut need to make some changes. I realize it's not our fault, but it will become our fault if we don't take the reins of the situation and continue to allow this to happen.

 

As of right now I am single (broke up with my ex 11 days ago) and I am begginning to really love it. It's a nice break from all of the destructive relationships I've been in. I'm taking this time to reevaluate what I look for and expect from in a relationship, so when the time comes along I can say whether or not a particular relationship has reason or not.

 

Maybe you should do the same. It's up to you. Just wanted to share with you what I'm experiencing at the moment.

[Day_Walker]

I think you need a better screening process. I would say that you dont want a nice guy simply because your actions arent consistant with your wants. I would adapt your method of weeding out guys to find that nice guy that you are looking for.

[Beec]

You want a nice guy, but you want one to whom you are attracted, which means he has to be nice and not be a wussy. Right? A man's man, and a nice guy.

 

Frankly, you need to go where men are and hang out, and you need to look at how men evaluate each other. We know who is a decent person or not absed on what we look for in their character. If you want: a guy worth respecting, find a guy other guy's respect, not fear; a guy who has a sense of humor, and find one that can make fun of others and himself; a guy secure enough in his manhood, find one that he does not need to act macho, his macho is not an act; look for the things that reveal character.

 

You can find him anywhere, but obviously some places are better that others for looking for him. Church may be a decent spot, but some may the driving range or anywhere.

 

Also, Chai has a good point in that you need to learn to play the game and do it well. But you will find something out as you learn, you no longer want to play on the same level, and you will begin to see right through the tricks that work on the superficial levels and stop falling for those tricks.

 

And once you begin with one guy, take your time and learn about his character. Don't jsut fall for him. And you would be better off probably seeing a few guys at that same time, what I call having a rotation. It works for me (it did work for me when I was not in a relationship). Bys eeing mutliple people, you cannot put too much into anyone person, and you will be independent of them all. Then you will find yourself jsut picking one person after a while. The others you just do not want to see or talk to. And that's it, you picked one guy.

[Miss M]

BillyJean,

I feel your pain and your post sounds SOOO familiar.

 

Part of the problem is that when you're attractive the guys will tell you what they think you want to hear, and they can be very convincing with their lies. I've also have a lot of trouble discerning who's sincere and who's not. It's just really difficult figuring out who's being straight with you. Sorry, I don't have any suggestions, but just wanted to let you know I really understand your frustration.

[BillyJean714]

RayKay: I am very HAPPY that you met your man. Sounds like he's a keeper, and it sounds like he really makes you happy from all of the posts that you write about him. I have tried what you suggested- date different types of men. I've dated all types already, from Mr. dentist, who later turned out to be an arrogant snob- to a few broke artists, who weren't quite at the right stage in their life and I felt weren't looking for the same thing. I just want a regular joe. I do really hope to be in your situation one day.You guys are both lucky to have found each other!

 

Miss M & LilLady- I guess we're all in the same boat. It's frustrating, but I'm sure things will get better, slowly, but surely!

 

Beec & DayWalker- I do need to find a different alternative. I think that going to places where guys hang out is a bit intimidating, because I don't know where they often hang out, and I'm not a very outspoken type of person so going to places like that kinda makes me feel a bit out of place.

 

Chai-

You get offended when a guy makes a comment like that - my first question would be what are you wearing? You say you don't dress like a hoochie though huh? I'm trying to make sense of this - men are men and you're gonna get that. I've seen a completely repulsive woman get stares, barks, whistles, etc. so you're gonna have to shrug those comments off.

Sorry Chai, didn't mean to offend you, but no I don't dress repulsively. What I meant, and I should've made myself a bit clearer, is everytime I have a boyfriend, he personally says things like that to me, and it hurts. It hurts because I start to realize that that is all that he see's in me. I see that in his eyes, all he has is lust for me, and doesn't truly have the sincere desire to know who I am, as a person. That's when I start to realize that I probably made another huge mistke in my life, by trusting that every new boyfriend I have "is going to be different. He's going to treat me better, unlike the rest." And, no I won't get hollars and whistles out of nowhere. Only place that I can think of is clubs, but that doesn't count, because most of the guys there are often drunk and like to flirt with girls anyway. At least the ones who are the drunk bold types do.

 

Everything is all a matter of chance, isn't it? This is a huge turning point in my life, and I hope to make decisions in which I would base things mostly on my gut feelings. I tend to not listen to that voice inside of me telling me "No", when in fact, I always tell myself, "I want facts first. Give it a try. Maybe you're being too pessimistic." It's like setting myself up for a boobie trap. The lesson that I learned is to NEVER doubt myself. Anyway, thank you all of your comments. I feel a lot better after an entire day of work!

[chai714]

You didn't offend me whatsoever. Thank you for clarifying.

 

It's bad when you first meet someone and you feel all they want from you is one thing. I can understand that. If you give it up too early, that's not good either because he'll probably ONLY see you as a piece of meat, which I'm sure you already know.

 

As far as everything being a matter of chance - I would like to think I have some degree of control of my life and I believe I do. I think you do too - it's just a matter of learning more how people work. Believe it or not, you can learn about them by reading about human behavior (body language, how people work, etc) and also by studying people (observing them when you're out, doing "people watching"). You seem like a woman who has good intentions, and I would like to see you succeed. But, like anything else in life to be good at something requires knowledge and practice and it CAN be done.

[BillyJean714]

But, like anything else in life to be good at something requires knowledge and practice and it CAN be done.

Very true. I'm starting to learn about all of this everyday. Although I think that body language can sometimes be misleading, I think that for the most part it is pretty accurate. And, I always tell myself- You can really study a lot about a person through their actions, not words. Every little thing that a person says, thinks, or does, can be analyzed to a certain degree, and does say a lot about a person and where they're coming from. It's usually the small things in life that are more precious and more revealing. Not the big things, because people can always say one thing, and mean the other. The only way to read their sincerity is by observing how they treat others, versus how they treat you. I just have to learn to trust my gut a bit more, and maybe go more on instinct and observations from now on! Thanks again.-Billy

[bambootree]

If they guy has a pet... see how he treats it. Its a window into his soul.

[Momene]

Think you can meet someone anywhere. Traditional "pick up" places don't tend to attract people that are looking for deep, meaningful realtionships. may men your age just want quick flings before moving on to the next girl and quite a few girls do too these days.

 

You just have to leep dating until you find the ring one. You should take it as a positive that you're getting dates because I see so many posts from people who aren't.