Poll for the guys: what makes you pop the question?

[Luciana]

Guys, what makes you want to propose to your fiances (the ones who did it and the ones who are planning to do it soon)?

 

What makes you lose your fear of commitment (for the ones who have it)?

 

 

I am making a poll about this.

Thank you!

[djedix]

I poped the question because i truly thought that was what she wanted... and because she kept hinting and hinting. when she go it, she didn't want it, and fled

 

I won't be doing that again for a long long time

[BlueOrchids]

i have a question for you djedix..would what just happened or happened to you, change how quickly you move in your next relationship? are you going to be more cautious, or a little scared of the idea, even if you feel that the woman is the right woman for you??? im asking bec. i posted somethng before, and it would kind of help me make sense of somethng.

[Iceman26]

What made me want to propose to my fiance was the fact that I wanted to make her officially and formally a part of my life. I couldn't imagine life without her, not to mention all the wonderful things we share and the happy life I know we will have together.

[summer_in_greece]

1. That you love her so much that you can't imagine life without her.

2. You have a stable and adequate job. That is really really important.

[OceanEyes]

2. You have a stable and adequate job. That is really really important.

 

This seems to be such a big thing with men. Most men I know say this, it just seems to be 'the determining' factor in whether or not to get married. I suppose it makes sense, but if the woman makes her own cash, why is it so important to be financially secure?

[annie24]

OceanEyes - I've often wondered the same thing. I guess it kind of makes sense that men want to get their "ducks in a row" before they enter a marriage, as it's kind of like a business merger.

 

I know us women are different. We often see a man for who he may become in the future, his potential. We know that he'll be rich and successful after a few years of college and hard work. But, I guess guys want to wait until they "get there."

[djedix]

It's going to take alot for me to beable to make that jump again.

 

Honestly, it completely destroyed my security as a person, and im constantly battling those insecurites that it has all caused. I'm doing much better thou, i'm slowly becoming less clingy with relationships now, but i am terrified of loosing anyone who becomes intrested in me, which is not good. I am seriously fighting this as hard as i can, and that's all i can do. Relearn to how to trust people, and i guess not take everythign they say as set in stone.

 

I knew her for 10 years. I knew she had ran from people in the past, i figured she finally grew up, and got over that. But she wasnt ready to get married. Was i? i'm not so sure about that yet. Maybe in a few years, but after reading storys about people who get married, and then come on here talking about how they got in contact with an old ex like 7 years later... it's just dishearting to me. I just don't want something like that to happen to me.. It frightens me now more then ever... so it's going to take someone who can prove to me.. that they are really truly, in love with me, and wants it... and i don't know where that person is going to come from.

[Hope75]

Good Question Luciana!

 

How are things with you? Are you surviving well on your own? Do you have any more contact with your ex?

[apollocreed71]

IN todays world, in the US, we now have a term called "starter Marriages". People test it out, like as if they were buying their first house. If you cannot be totally committed without marriage, marriage will not work a maricle. All it will do is make you pocketbook smaller, when it is time to divorce. If you are just together, you can get out quicker, provided you do not have property in both your names.

as for popping the question, I think when a man realizes somewhere deep in his mind, that he does not want to be alone, well not alone, but not having someone there that is truly committed, then he will pop the question.

ask yourself these questions?

do you love her?

can you see yourself with her in 20 years?

do you ever think about other women or think about straying?

does she really love you?

what would it be like to live with her?

 

In my experience, people get lax when they get married. It is a more permanent thing. sometimes marriage is not for some couples.

[Luciana]

Hope, my fiance walked out on me ONE week before the wedding. I went through hell: humiliation, rejection, pain, shock. I had to call my friends and cancel the wedding. I did not even have the energy to write on this site. I lost 12lbs (which made me look hot-now I got a lot back , couldn't sleep, had to take antidepressants (a very low dose), couldn't listen to music, had difficulty concentrating at work, crashed my car 3 days later-I was emotionally too distraught.

He stayed away, rented an apartment and one month later started contacting me again, saying he loved me. The reason he gave for running away from the wedding was that I didn't respect him, and that he coudn't stand living in MD and working in VA anymore. He broke my heart and didn't care how I was doing for weeks.

 

I has a lot of support from family and friends. I started getting stronger each day. I was scared of having to support to daughters, one in college, on my small salary. I had to cut down on several things. He however continued to pay my mortgage, because it is in his name only even though the house belongs to us.

 

I really think he ran away because it was only one week before the wedding and the prenup had not been signed. I am sure a lawyer told him it could be invalidated in the future. He denies that of course.

 

We have been seeing each other again although I have gone out with other men too. He now is renting a house near his work. He said he wants to marry me before the end of this year, but has not proposed yet. He mentioned he wants the prenup signed (which makes me believe that was the reason) and wants to propose with the SAME engagement ring. I don't want to be materialistic and demand another one, but it would be nice to start afresh.

 

So things are up in the air. There is another guy I like who I met after the fiance ran away. But I am not sure of him; and I can't date two men-I can go out with them but not have sex with both.

 

I am enjoying living alone with my younger daughter who is in High school. She is so easygoing. Life is simple. I do feel sometimes alone but not much. I have many friends to talk to in the evenings.

 

So this is the story. He was always ambivalent. I am in link removed as Desireee if you want to read details. Excellent website for women who are dating commitment phobics. The problem lies in him, not in me.

[Hope75]

Hi Luciana,

 

I was wondering what happened to you!

 

 

Wow!

 

You are dating him after all that he put you through??

 

How do you feel about him now?

 

Do you think this can ever be repaired??

[annie24]

Hope, my fiance walked out on me ONE week before the wedding. I went through hell: humiliation, rejection, pain, shock.

 

Are you serious? The man that humiliated and rejected you 1 week before the wedding, walked out on you? This is the man that you are dating again!?!?!?!!?

 

The problem lies in him, not in me.

 

I am normally not this blunt, but I actually think that the problem does lie in YOU! No self-respecting woman would go back to the man who humiliated her like this, in front of her friends and family. He didn't go through with the wedding. Now, that's a dealbreaker if I ever saw one....

 

I pray that you have the courage to finally cut this man out of your life and to find yourself.

[Hope75]

What do your family and friends think about the fact that you are dating him again?

[Luciana]

Hi, I don't want to make this a thread about me, since I am curious to guy's responses.

I am doing find and we are both working in our problems. Now we have a better understanding of what happened and what motivated him to cancel the wedding. He now is the one interested and we are communicating like we should have before. There is a lot of love between us and other good things. He is beling very loving and affectionate and sincere. He wants to propose to me again soon and I am letting him do everything: he can't be pushed, and there is nothing worse than pressuring someone to get married. He has to want it. So I am sitting back and enjoying the good treatment I am getting from him.

[RayKay]

Luciana,

 

I am very concerned here, I agree with Annie, I think the problem here is you. You have been with this guy for what, seven years or so now? Don't you think you deserved "good treatment" and respect a LONG time ago? Hasn't he had MANY chances?

 

Isn't this the same pre-nup you would NOT sign before because it was extremely favoured towards him and left you with NOTHING at all? If he would leave you because you would not sign an unfair prenup, and not even have the decency to discuss a mutually fair prenup, why would you sign it now?

 

I WILL check out your other postings on the other site, but honey, I really think you must realize there is a point where YOU deserve better, and better is not a commitment from this guy. He is NOT the ultimate for you, or the only thing you have left, you just deserve way better.

 

Does he really make you feel like a better person, does he really add light and joy into your life?

 

RayKay

[Luciana]

The prenup was modified to my advantage. The points that my lawyer didn't like were changed. Now it is fair and does protect me at old age.

That is not the main issue. We have logistical problems (I live in one state and work 5 minutes away from home; he works in another state and also lives 5 minutes away from his business). The separation we had was good because it taught us many things. I learned how to be alone and independent; and he learned he really wanted to be with me the rest of his life. I think it was a turning point for both.

My family is supportive, they just want to see me happy. As for friends, the real ones are being very supportive, and the few that aren't are really women who are very bitter with their own negative experiences.

[punchy504]

I have to agree with the others, this has got to be textbook emotional masochist stuff.

 

You are convincing yourself that the situation is better, that he is better, that you are better, when really you are fooling yourself about it all.

 

 

 

and really a prenup should protect you always, not just in old age. read your posts as if your friend wrote them.

[Luciana]

Men want prenups in case of divorce, not death. In case we get a divorce, I get some protection for the same period we were married. But I don't get any of his assets.

I hate the idea of prenups too, but they are a reality when people have assets or businesses or children from first marriage.

As for his sincerity, I am giving him a chance but I have my eyes wide open. I don't like with him anymore and I do not depend on him for anything. I also am meeting other men. I am watching his actions toward me, not his words. So far he has behaved very well and is making plans for us. Of course I want I will only believe it when I see it (the wedding).

 

Do't worry, I am much more resilient than I thought. After he left I lost weight and was very sad but in one month (some people take months or years) I was feeling very well again. Many friends, great family, many guys after me. My confidence levels were unshaken. I loved him, but I learned I can live without him well and he knows that too.