Very mixed messages

[killer_bimbo]

My ex girlfriend split up with me to be on her own 6 months ago, and we've been seeing each other to try to sort things out for the past 2 months. Before that, we met up, she told me that she wanted to try again sometime next year, and I told her that that wasn't really fair, that it was now or never. Although she doesn't really want to be with anyone right now, we both agreed that we'd see each other every couple of weeks, just go out on dates, not as just friends, but not as a committed couple either. She said she was really happy at the moment, just going out with friends, and she didn't really want to add anything to that, just in case it made her unhappy. That kind of shocked me, we had a great relationship, and were really happy together, the main problem being that we only really saw each other at weekends, spent the time just togethether, and she never really had any life outside of the relationship, despite me and her parents telling her that it was unhealthy to only have me in her life, and that she needed to go out with her friends more. Well, since we've split up, all her friends have been telling her how much happier she seemed, and she went out a lot more, and her saying that kind of made me think that she thought it was me making her unhappy, and that I stopped her going out, when we both really knew that we were a great couple, and she admitted that she was unhappy because she didn't really go out or anything, and we've talked about that, and that we would approach the relationship different if we were to have any future together. In her life, she does seem to put her whole into one thing, and neglect everything else in her life, before she realises that parts of her life have suffered because of that

 

Well, we've been doing this for 2 months, and although things seem to be going ok, I'm getting really mixed messages. Since splitting up, she's kept herself very busy with her social life, to the point where she is quite literally only home to go to bed, and occasionally she will go home for food, she still lives with her parents (she's 19), and barely sees them from week to week, and she never seems to have much time for me. She's told me that she's not interested in meeting other men, and spends most of her time in a gay bar with her best friend, who is a gay man. Although she says she thinks about me loads, and really enjoys speaking with me, she never really phones unless I ask her to, and only really texts in reply to any texts I've sent. I put this down to her being busy, but I figure that she's choosing to be busy, and if she really did want to speak to me on the phone, she would make a little more time to speak, rather than when she comes back from the bar on a sunday night. When we're together, it's really nice, we get on really well, and basically act quite similar to how we did when we were together.

 

As we're taking things slowly, I figured that we'd slowly get more physically intimate. The thing is, other than slight little touches, like casually touching my arm, and playful poking tummy and chest and things like that, she won't really touch me too much. Yet, she willl let me hold her, stroke her hair, face, legs, put my hand on her knee and stuff like that. When we're together, we're always standing right up against each other, and often find our faces quite close. When we say goodbye, we cuddle, and she seems really happy and comfortable in that, and we have a nice intimate kiss for a while, yet she won't let me give her a peck on the cheek during the time we're together and not saying goodbye. When we do kiss, I ask her if it feels right and good, and she says she doesn't know, I ask her if she wants to try again to find out, and she says she doesn't know. I've asked her about all this, asked her if it feels nice when I hold her and touch her, she says sometime she wants it, sometimes she doesn't. I've asked her if she ever feels the urge to hold hands, touch me, hold me, she says sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. I ask her why she doesn't act on those urges when she has them, she says she doesn't know. If I try to talk to her about it, all I get is I don't knows and sometimes, and it's kind of doing my head in to not really know anything at all

 

I can't really work out why she needs to be just on her own right now, I've asked her if she has sexual feelings in general, and she says yes. I know she's not bothered about playing the field before committing to anyone, and everything she does shows that, so it just leaves me at a loss as to what she does and doesn't want about a relationship, and what she does and doesn't know about her feelings. She says she's just used to being a single person right now, but surely that doesn't mean that she wouldn't enjoy the good things about being with somebody. She says she sometimes looks back at the things we used to do, at the romantic nights in, at what it feels like to sleep together with me, yet she says she's not too bothered about not having those because she's used to not having them.

[tobigahart]

Ohhh... mate I feel for you, it seems like you're really stuck here. As for advice... If you keep going the way you're going now you will get nowhere. She doesn't know what it's like when you're not around because she has you when she wants you. She is using you when she wants to and although you obviously love her, and she probably loves you too, I really don't think she knows what she wants and until you give her the time alone! to figure it out for herself she we keep doing this for a long time. She may not know it, or she may be ignoring it but she is really hurting you and doing only what is the best for herself. It will be VERY hard but you have to cut the ties if you ever hope to work things out in the future. If she loves you enough for you to be together again, she will come back to you. Don't give yourself over to her. Hold out and she'll know what it's really like living without you. It will be tough, but we're all here for you and if you think about it, it has to be done.

 

I really hope you guys work out, Good luck...

[charmed]

I think that she has you on a string and you are playing into her hands. All the forms of input she has gotten from all the dirrefernt people regarding the situation has made her unsure of what to do. Sometimes, and I don't know's are only devastating to progress, and she is stopping progress.

 

You need to value yourself, and let her know that. Tell her it's decision time, and that you are moving on with or without her - it's her decision. Let her feel shes about to loose you, and that will kick her indeciseiveness into deciseiveness.

You can wait all your life, or move forwards now. The Get yourself into that frame of mind, and stick with it. Show her your strength, and show her that you can live without her. That will make her re-assess her situation.

 

Good luck,

 

Al.

[zippitt]

Well said people. I have to agree, you need to let go of her. You are like a caged animal trying to reach out to her. She just walks by and only pays attention to you when she needs it. It maybe her time to be single. She could love you, but a relationship is work...if she doesn't want to work, and she chooses to be single and free then love is not enough. I have been where you are. I finally just stopped making the calls and emails because I was the only one putting forth the effort. I have not heard from my ex at all since then. Part of me still wonders from it and I still hurt, but not nearly as much when I was allowing myself to be a yoyo.

[kdreger]

Men!

 

Wait that's me.

 

Anyways, to play devil's advocate. Why is it that men are all or nothing? Why do you have to have her 100% or none at all. Why can't you just enjoy the time you have. So instead of enjoying what she's giving you, you're going to drop her and have nothing to do with her. Really, it's an issue of control. You want her on your terms - not hers. Is this going to be about who is in control or giving someone space to decide. You're getting her attention, it's just not as often as YOU wish. So decide. Is she your dream girl? If so, give her space, let her enjoy this time - you have all the time in the world. If you feel there are many fish in the sea, let her go and find someone who will fit into your view of what a relationship should be.

[killer_bimbo]

Thanks for that insight. I did think about that, and know that I can deal with not being her number 1 priority right now, and not being with her all the time that I would like, that's not really the problem. The problem being that I have no idea how to act and how much to hold back or act on my feelings while we're together, when she's giving me such mixed clues as to how she wants me to be with her, and asking about it not getting me anywhere, and the confusion in that although she seems happy for me to do all the little things that partners do together that friends don't, she never takes the initiative to do them to me, and again, when I ask her about it, when I ask her if she feels like holding me or touching me or kissing me and things like that, all I ever get is sometimes. I am enjoying the time we have together, but it's so frustrating to be so unsure and hesitant about stepping over the line between friends and partners. I've told her all this, and she notices when we're together that I am hesitant to hold her hand or put my hand on her knee or kiss her and things like that. It's hard to be with her and not know where our boundries between each other are, and finding out that those boundries not only change from one time of seeing each other to the next, but change throughout our time together in the day/night. If we were consistently building up physicality between us, it would be fine, if she took the initiative, it would be fine, if she showed that she didn't want me to act as anything other than a close friend, at least I'd know where we stood, but everything's so inconsistent. I've asked her if we're just friends or if we're boyfriend and girlfriend, and she answered "why does everything have to have a label?", and the fuzzy line inbetween is a difficult place to be when I have definite urges and physical feelings for her and not knowing whether she wants me to express them. I guess I would feel a lot better if she phoned me up one day and asked me if I wanted to do something on a certain day, or if she kissed me on the cheek or something, because right now, it's kind of hard. I've made no secret of how I feel and what I want, so surely if she wasn't interested in anything more than friendship and didn't want to be touched, held, kissed, she would stop me altogether, then again, if she did want to, she would make moves on me herself. She was always shy in initiating sex, but this is purely about not non sexual intimacy. She says that she does want to see me, and if she didn't, she wouldn't, yet, if she wanted to see me, surely she'd make the effort to ask me to see her occasionally. It's always hard to tell whether she is merely letting me be a bit more physical than she feels, so as not to hurt my feelings, or whether she is enjoying it. When we kiss goodnight, sometimes it feels like there's really something there, she lets go, and it's really nice and passionate and intimate, sometimes we kiss, it's just a peck on the lips, I kiss her again, and she seems a bit more like she's not too keen, and doesn't seem to let herself go into the moment.

[moonbeam]

I think its time for make or break darling!!! It seems to me like she wants to explore life I dont no how long you two were together for but she is only 19 and it seems to be she wants to get out in the world and see what it has to offer her. Im sure she will regret it in a year or two as you sound a lovely bloke but unfortunately it something she probably has to do. To be honest I think you are wasting you time as I dont think she wants a relationship but wants your friendship and enjoys to just flirt with you. For you own sake I'd say go back to being friends and concentrate on yourself and give yourself some TLC for a while coz as the saying goes "If you love someone let them go if they love you there come back if they dont they never did." Good luck though mate.

[mercury25]

I know I am going to sound very, very insensitive, but this girl sounds very very annoying. I know you have feelings for her and all, and I'm not going to try to talk you out of that. I just have to reiterate that she's too old to act this way. "Sometimes" - "I don't know"....give me a break.

[cassiana]

I think your ex is in an either or situation.

She likes you but saw her relationship with you as totally focussing on you and no-one else even though you told her that was unhealthy. Haven't you been proven right.

Now she's going out with her friend and making up for lost time.

It seems to me that she will probably get tired of that scene.

What she needs to do is learn that rather than focussing on one life she can combine the two in a very pleasant way.

Also she is 19.

I don't agree with now or never ultimatums in every situation.

Sometimes they are perfect to give some one a jolt. But if you dish it out too soon or in an inappropriate situation you will get a no!

Ultimatums make the person giving the ultimatum sound like a bossy bully alot of the time. If I was dithering and someone did that to me it would put me right off.

With people you have to be more subtle. I think you should let her catch you eyeing up other women. See what reaction that gets you.