They hate me because I'm a Lesbian...

[mymelancholysoul]

Ever since middle school, Ive had the feeling that I was slightly different from the other girls. I wasn't peverted in the changing rooms as most might want to believe but sometimes it hurt to have to change in the showers because I was afraid something was wrong with me. At that age everyone has it in their minds that they are straight; boys date girls, girls date boys, end of story. When high school pulled around the corner, I started to really guess my sexuality but shrugged it off as a phase. Besides, its not like I had been with a girl or even kissed one. My boyfriend at the time, also the man I lost my virginity to, practically worshipped me. I figured if I made myself more desirable that he would continue to want me and eventually, I would want him. This was the scenerio for most of my high school life; dress like a whore and make all the men want you so that you'll maybe want them. I never did. I never wanted them near me and everytime it was suggested that we "get to know each other" in the bedroom, I did my best to bail. Everything I did, everything I said, everyone I tried to date was my way of staying straight. I didn't want to be a lesbian, hell I didn't even want to be bisexual. My 'friends' played around with each other but said they would never really mean it because that was gross or wrong. I didn't want to be wrong. I wanted to be normal. I wanted a boyfriend like all my friends had. But..that never happened. And two sexual assaults later, I really began to realize that I wasn't the girl I was trying to be. I started being more open and expressive about how I felt. Heck, I even dated Shay for a few months....the best months of my life. I mean, here I was with the most amazing person in the world and no one cared. My old friends were long gone and the new ones were so happy for me. Even after the break up, I was still holding strong. My mom and dad found out and were pretty great about the whole thing. My mom even took me to DC Pride and bought a PFLAG shirt. Shes been so completely supportive this whole time. So whats the problem? Well, this all happened while I was at home but I'm not there anymore. Where am I? In Nebraska, the freaking heart of conservative life. Ive found a few good friends that are really supportive but that doesn't stop the looks from everyone else. I wear a pride shirt or use my rainbow bag or go out with my purse that has pride pins and the like on the front, and people stare. They turn to their friends, whisper, point, and everyone looks at me like I'm the plague. The worst part is, its making my roommate feel weird. We've already gotten stupid notes on our message board and under our door. I dont want to put her in danger, you know? I mean, shes cool with everything but I just dont want to see her get hurt. And another friend has lost her friendship with another girl because she associates with me. Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion but when its brought to my friends, I get ticked. 'You know, shes the reason theres aids in the world.' Someone told my roommate that. What the hell. 'So what, are you her bi*** or something?' A comment made to a good friend. If they have a problem with me, thats fine, but they DO NOT need to do this to them. I know its making them feel uncomfortable and that kills. Ontop of that, I'm starting to get the feeling that as much as I want a relationship or at least someone to talk to...I wont find one here. Its starting to hurt and Im starting to hate myself all over again. I dont know what to do...where to go...who to turn to...and I just want them to not hate me before they talk to me....

[mgirl]

Hey, it's hard being gay, there is no doubt about it. The only other option you had however, was to live a lie and it doesn't sound like you wanted to.

 

As for being with "the best person in the whole world" and nobody caring, well, maybe they didn't. But that shouldn't stop you from being happy. I know, i know, everybody else gets social support and so should you.

 

Why are you in Nebraska? Is it possible for you to move somewhere else, less conservative?

 

The thing that i have found is that the older i get and the more gay people i know, the better i feel about the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, gay people have their issues too (with happiness and everything), but i think self-acceptance is the key. I would also like to have straight/heterosexual friends whom i can spend some time with.

 

It sounds like you have made the decision to be "out" about your sexuality, that is, by carrying and wearing rainbow apparitus. I don't tend to do things like that, but i guess there is a price for that. I guess i would question why i was doing it... Is it to make a statement? Or simply to prove a point? Or do you actually like the stuff? Me personally, i don't actually like things with rainbows on them, hence i don't wear them or carry them, but the point i am trying to make is that if you make yourself visible, then of course the less conscious of us will b*tch behind your back, or in your case, right in front of you.

 

I'm also wondering, are you wearing/carrying rainbow things as a way of accepting your own sexuality? Because you don't have to you know... just being who you are should be enough for you. But if you like them, continue wearing them

 

Good luck and don't let those people drag you down. They are only moaning because their own lives are so dull. My only suggestion is to move to a more gay-friendly area, without getting caught up in the gay scene though. Or to where people are more progressive. It is always going to be hard for people outside of the caste... that's the way life is unfortunately. But good on you for taking a stand.

[pinkgurl]

hey there. u know what, from where i live, lesbians are treated fairly and equally, except of course the "oldies" (if u know what i mean)..actually i had a girlfriend, a lesbian. We broke up because many people are against the kind of relationship we have. Nut nevertheless, i still think people lie you should not be treated as aliens. If they think ur different, then i guess they're more than stupid. At least you know what you are, if they don't want you to be like that then the hell with them, you're not their property. I know its hard but i believe that there's someone out there who can accept u and be your long time friend/s. Like right now you've got one. Me.=) cheer up.=)

[sugarandspice]

hey gal

 

sorry to hear what you are going through, but don't feel down on yourself or feel it's ever wrong as it's not. it's the people who are treating you like that who are wrong and weird. i don't understand why people are like that. i mean people are people whatever sexuality we are!!!!does it really matter????so what!!!!!wherever you are there are people are going to be different sexualities. at school, at uni,at work, in friendship groups. i think you ought to be proud of who you are. you fancy women, so talk about women like straight women talk about men!!

 

lol i can't understand really though how hard it is for you as I don't understand why these people are treating you like this. i know a few gay people and they are just like everybody else, talking about who they fancy and being open about it. people don't treat them any differently , i don't understand why they should. A couple of my friends are Bi/ gay and whatever sexuality they are wouldn't make a difference to if i was friends with them or not even if i was 1000% straight.

 

i am bi-curiouse

 

there are some women i do fancy, but i also like men. I don't think i'd have a relationship with a woman, but then i haven't had any serious relationships with a guy either!!!

 

i haven't told many people i fancy women only a few. if it comes up in conversation i will tell somebody. recenlty i was joking to a male friend that i was jealous of him as he had pulled a girl i fancied. This girl i have recenlty only just met and we became quite good friends. she's well sexy!!!

 

i haven't really thought before if i was gay the how hard that would be. I would find it tough telling my family as they are quite kind of reserved and old fashioned!! But it i was going away like to uni i would just tell people.

 

people should like you for you and if they don't see who you are then it's their loss. they are the ones with the problem.

 

x

[pianoguy]

I really think you should consider getting out of Nebraska. It might be inconvenient now but in the long run it will do much for your happiness. You don't necessarily have to go to California, just somewhere more progressive, maybe out east, or something.

 

I am finishing my last semester at a Christian college in Michigan and I deeply regret that I have wasted so much time here. I have found people who are supportive, and I haven't had to endure hate like you have, but there simply isn't anyone here to date and that just sucks.

[mymelancholysoul]

Thank you everyone for your replies and words of kindess and support. I had a bit of an episode over the weekend (someone on my hall writing a not so nice message on my dry erase board on my door). Luckily, Amy wasn't here because Id hate for something to happen to her. I'm working on getting into PRIDE (they review my answers tonight!0 and hope that everything works out.

 

I'm in Nebraska because the school is affordable, really affordable. I don't mind the area, just the group of people in it can be hurtful for really no reason. I don't want to leave and have them think its okay to do what they are doing. If I transfer, then its almost like saying they have the upper hand and they can continue to hate homosexuals. I want to take a stand, not just for myself but for the people who are afraid to take a stand. But at the same time, I know my mother worries constantly about my safety. I love this school and the friends Ive made. Originally, I'm from the east coast (Maryland) so Nebraska was a huge change but one I was prepared for. My mother thought that getting out of our town would be a good thing for me but shes nervous about the people around here. Try as I might, I can't convince her that I'm capable of judging situations on my own.

 

Everything was so much easier when I was a little kid. I just can't believe how complicated life got as I got older; even more so than most of my close friends lives. *sigh* I guess the idea that "nothing gold can stay" is too true.

[pizzachick13]

Good on you. I was the same as you are now. I was living in a small-minded, out-of-the-way little town that really hated homosexuals, whether they were gay or bi or lesbian. Now I've moved out (I was living with my Dad) and am now living in a larger town with my Mum and I have been accepted by everyone... and when I say everyone I mean everyone. Even my 75 year old grandmother.

 

In any case, you are a strong woman from what I've read of your thread and if you have the guts to stand up for your rights in Nebraska then go for it. If I was there you'd have my full support.

 

You shouldn't have to move just because the people around you have a problem.

 

Sappho...