my mom searched my room and found

[HoldMeTightly]

My mom searched my room and found a letter that I wrote to this girl a while back, like in June. I understand I shouldn't have kept it if I didn't want anyone to see it, but don't I have some rights of privacy? She told me last night that she's going to go through my room if it's not perfectly clean. It's ridiculous, at least I think so. It's my property. Anyway, Last night, I came downstairs and my mother was crying and she showed me the letter. I didn't recognize it even as mine because as a sixteen year old, I constantly change my handwriting, and then she asked me if it was my handwriting. I mean, of course it was, so, I ripped the letter of her hand and she literally jumped me for it. She grapped onto my harms and just clawed at me and tried to get it from me. I have an extremely tight grip so I've still got it, right here. It's not even that bad of a letter, but it is obviously a love letter, to a girl. My mom freaked out and we had a gigantic fight last night. It was really bad. I felt like such a disappointment, 1. For being different and disappointing my mom and dad and my brothers. 2. Because I can never do anything sufficient enough to not cause a fight. It was my dad's first day home in 2 weeks because he was out of town and I had to screw it up just like I screw everything else up. I can't be with this girl any longer for she has a girlfriend now (but we were thinking about getting together until things got complicated), however, if I do find someone that would want to be with me and I would want to be with them, I don't know how my mom would take it. It turns out she is now going to interrogate my friends before I am allowed to go out with them at night or whenever, even when some of my friends from school live forty-five minutes to an hour away. (private school…everyone lives everywhere). Okay I'm almost done I swear. Props to you if you're still reading. My mom found my xanga, it's like an online journal type thing where I just posted poems, songs and like little snippets of my day. Yeah I understand it's online, however, I didn't want anyone to read it unless I gave them the link. She indirectly threatened the link out of one of my friends and read it. It had one thing in it about liking someone and she freaked out! It turns out this one was a guy, but she didn't know that until yesterday and I don't even think she believes me. How can I live with this madness!

[randy]

hello , are you male or female ? Also , how old are you ?

[nuts]

thats the thing that sucks when it comes to living with your parents. now matter how old you are or how mature you have become, it is still their house and according to them, they have the right to do what they want in it, even if it means goin into your room and finding things you never wanted them to find.

 

kind of an unfortuanate way of your mother finding out, but at least now its out in the open. dont feel like youve dissappointed anyone. you are not a failure for feeling a certain way. if you werent true to yourself you would be dissappointing yourself, which is far worse.

 

as for the fight... well sometimes these things are inevitable. confrontation would have happened at some point or other so dont beat yourself up over it.

 

im sorry to have to say it but your mom was wrong for what she did, especially for forcing your friend to do that. if i were you i wouldnt tell her this as it will only make your relationship at the moment worse. instead, give each other space and in time you'll be able to talk out both your feelings about this new revelation, and hers. and maybe then you'll be able to set a few boundaries regarding personal space!

[UT]

I felt like such a disappointment, 1. For being different and disappointing my mom and dad and my brothers.

 

You should never be ashamed for what you are. Be proud. You can't change what you are. no use in feeling guilty for who you are it will only despair.

 

It seems very bad right now but at least now it's out in the open. Right now it gotta be horrifying. That would be the last way I would wanna come out but sometimes it might as well be best that way just get it out in the open.

 

It you have friends who supports you that will help. It will probably be very tens at your house the next few days. You family has to accept it and will if they really love. If it is you and not their pride they love.

 

P.S. long posts are good

[HoldMeTightly]

actually i've been "out" for over a year now. my parents just ignore it and hope that ill get over it. and now its brought up again. and it will be pushed under the rug again by tomorrow. atleast out loud. the silence is the worst.

im a female

sixteen

[darkblue]

Oh right, I actually was wondering what it was all about until I saw the forum heading.

 

It's only natural for your mother to be concerned - she still loves you, and in time she may get used to the fact that you're happy with your sexuality.

 

You have to understand that - as a mother - she wants to know what's going on in your life. I'm by no means justifying her actions, but sometimes it's hard to get inside a teenager's head.

 

I think it'd make life easier for both of you - if you could sit down and reach and understanding. Start to work on your relationship and try to make it more open. That way she wouldn't have to 'invade your privacy' while still being told what's going on in her daughter's life.

[BellaDonna]

My mother used to do that to me when I was a teenager and I hated it.

 

Your sitaution is a little more complex because of your sexuality. My advice would be don't keep anything in writing or online that you don't want people to see. When I was a teenager I kept a "fake" diary so that my mother would think she was finding something and it would satisfy her. Try keeping one of these diaries- better yet- write some "real" things in it -like how much it hurts you when she goes through your things and how all you want is your parents unconditional love for the person you are. You can actually use her snooping to your advantage as a way to communicate with her.

 

BellaDonna

[Dannysgirl]

My own mother did this to me up until I moved out at the age of 24, I couldn't move before then because I was at university.

The reason she did it was because she's a sad pathetic cow who has no life and wanted to stick her nose into mine.

If things don't improve I would suggest you try to move out, you shouldn't have to tolerate this constant invasion on your privacy.

[BellaDonna]

It's pretty bad when someone snoops through your things- but I think it's more common in the teenage years. I agree that if someone does it when you're an adult it's pretty pathetic.

 

But she is merely 16- so she probably can't move out.

 

HoldMeTightly, I think your best bet is to outsmart her and not leave her anything to "find", at least while you're still dependent on your parents financially.

 

BellaDonna

[shes2smart]

Your post gave me flashbacks. When I was 16 my mother snooped in my journal. Unfortunately for me, it was shortly after I lost my virginity....which, of course, was detailed in said journal.

 

I was put under a lot of restrictions...not allowed to go out with friends, had to account for every waking moment, and so on. What it taught me was to get very good at lying to my parents & sneaking around. It also taught me that money spent on a metal box and a combination lock was money well-spent. That locked box housed my journal for the remainder of the time I lived under their roof. My mom never said anything about the locked box....but what could she say, really? Leave your writing out so I can keep snooping? I never said anything aloud -- the yelling would be over sooner if I didn't yell back, so I never did. There's another thing I learned -- how to be incredibly stoic and show no emotion while being yelled at. But my guess is that locked box spoke volumes for me.

 

To get through it, I just kept focused on what I needed to do to move out of there in such a way that I didn't harm myself and in such a way that I didn't run the risk of having to come back. It took until part way through college, but once I moved out that was it...that was a little over 20 years ago and I haven't had to live under their roof again.

 

The sad thing of it all is that I don't know if parents realize that stuff like this makes their kids shut off pieces of their life to their parents. Maybe some families can overcome that shutting off over time and forge a close, mature relationship. In my case, the parts of my life that got shut off from my parents have remained shut off...to the point where I have no contact with them whatsoever anymore.

 

For whatever it's worth, you aren't the first one to be on the receiving end of parental snooping. I don't know if you can find some comfort in that or not. If nothing else, time moves at a constant, forward pace and the day will come where you will be moving out of their house and into your own life. Keeping focused on that might help you get through when things are really awful. I know I hung onto the image of that day for several years.

[UT]

It's pretty bad when someone snoops through your things- but I think it's more common in the teenage years. I agree that if someone does it when you're an adult it's pretty pathetic.

 

But she is merely 16- so she probably can't move out.

 

HoldMeTightly, I think your best bet is to outsmart her and not leave her anything to "find", at least while you're still dependent on your parents financially.

 

BellaDonna

 

I want to come out but my biggest fear is that they'll throw me out. I would never take any crap and live a lie if I once had come out. When it's out it's out and if they don't want me at home because of what I am then I would be more than glad to go. So before I'm coming out I want to be out of upper secondary school.

[nuts]

i can understand that. soon i'll be moving out and then i wont have to fear living with a family who dont approve of my way of life. at least at this age i have that option.

 

holdmetightly, im sorry that you're in such a compromising situation. you have a couple years to go before you can truly be independent and lead a life you choose. that must really suck for you. ive lived in a house where i havent felt welcome because of my step-father so i guess all i can offer you to do for a while is avoid your parents if you feel there's no reasoning with them. ideally you should try and really sit and talk with them, try and get them to understand who you are and that as your parents they should love you for who you are and for being so honest. that way they may be able to give you your space. it sounds like theyre in denial about your sexuality. you need to make it clear to them that this is what you are and they have to learn to accept that.

 

if you cant do this, then i guess youll just have to take it each day at a time. if you have to keep your disstance.

[Jinx]

Today I was just speaking with someone who questioned why I never kept a personal journal or any personal written items outside of locked or hidden niches. Made me think of what you've said here about the letter being found and problems others have had.

 

When with parents I couldn't keep anything in writing or it would surely be found. My mother loved 'cleaning' my room. In my preteens and early teens I was a tad bit messy but nothing I would of considered constituting a cleaning. Yet, she always cleaned and if she found something she would eventually ask.

 

I have a stash of unused diaries among other things I've been given over the years but never used them because I came to the habit of believing someone will find it and use it against me, certain habits die hard I suppose. For old year books or notes I insisted on keeping I keep them close at hand or lock so no one will bother them, since I'm afraid someone will question the depth in certain ones (could be easily interpreted by one person as strong friendship statement and to another stepping over to the love boundry) I don't let it out.

 

With the rampant homophobia I see, can't quite come out. Not time for anything to get loose or else it'll be hell.

 

Going back to the question, I eventually learned with my parents, how to bust their cleaning enthusiasm. Carry around valuables that could cause trouble. Put something neutral in place, protest the 'cleaning' (aka snooping), and when they find it is something simple they lose their interest because the think they've found a huge catch to complain and yell about but when it turns out to be a semi-low test score, blan note, or such things there isn't anything to do with it.

 

Just remember, be yourself. Being anything else will just make YOU unhappy in the end. Freedom is right around the corner if you look at it properly, deal with the upcoming years and then you can pull yourself from their grasp and live as you so wish in that light.

[HoldMeTightly]

thanks so much everyone for your support and input on what's going on.

shes2smart. i really liked the locked box idea, however, my mother would find a reason to get into it by using things like drugs (which i do not do) cigarettes or razorblades (i am a cutter) for the reason that i keep the locked box, but ill think about doing just that.

i wish i could move out, however, my mother is extremely abusive verbally, and emotionally and sometimes physically (mostly just to me) but i couldn't leave my two little brothers with her, im going to have enough problems doing that when i go to college.

she already has my 10 year old brother turned against me, hating me in every way because she blames her sad pathetic life on me.

i dont know how much longer i can take this.

she's turning my dad against me too. the only one i have now is my fifteen year old brother who is a darling and used to be one of my best friends, but is now coming to be more obnoxious like most teenage guys.

i really would say that i hate my mom, however, if i said that i would feel bad and take it back. in reality, i think sometimes i have little love for her, but i don't hate her. its not really her fault that she's psychotic.

anyway. thanks everyone.

[pizzachick13]

Ok, I know exactly what you're going through hun. My dad is exactly the same, except he would not only look through my diary, but he would also go through my beside table, any boxes I had in my room, and of course my mobile phone, but I learnt to put my pin code on that.

 

My only advice to you is maybe take your diary everywhere. I did that; I took it to school, parties, sleepovers, everywhere! No one really cared and that way I knew my father wasn't going to get into my personal thoughts.

 

In any case, really all you can do is wait it out if you can't stand to leave your brothers with her. Perhaps you should talk to someone outside of the house and tell them about the problems at home. Who knows, maybe you can find someone to help.

 

Good luck

 

Sappho...