His Ex asks to return to stay.

[Hope75]

Wouldn't it be worse to be pitied then to be loved?

 

Right now I suspect you are being pitied for allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.

 

So are you the reason they broke up? Why then, does it surprise you that she is not interested in your help or what you have to say?

 

Do you not suspect that she will do whatever it takes to get him back from you? (and I doubt will have much problem succeeding considering they will be living together and you will be long distance? )

 

There is a big difference between being kind and being foolish.

 

Does your bf have a one bedroom now? Where do you expect she will be sleeping?

[Farami]

I do feel tired to argue with my bf about her issue again. Talking about her always seem to lead to an argument and right now about her thoughts on returning to stay with him, he doesn't know what to do.

 

He seems quite torn about how I feel and letting her come back. That's my guess though when I asked more in depth why he doesn't know, he couldn't answer. Sometimes I sense he feels a huge well of guilt for dumping this woman but he just won't acknowledge it.

 

No, I am definitely not surprised but I am very surprised now she seemed to accept it all and want his help desperately.

 

As for suspecting her, I never stopped that and I never stopped at thinking she would do whatever to try to wrestle him back - since he meant the life to her. All my bf had to say to this was to trust him and that he loves me.

 

I do know that I look at a disadvantage and this whole thing is making me look foolish, in anycase, I do have the choice to drop him and walk away from it all. But I don't want to be impatient and rush this since he's in a dilemma himself and I walking away and demanding we do not help her in any way is not going to help him.

 

OceanEyes, as for him being fair, how would he be fair in this circumstance? I was quite glad he asked how I felt about the issue and wanted to know how I felt and didn't make a decision himself (since he do not know) Being fair I suppose would be to turn down the woman immediately, whatever her situation would be and tell her to deal with it on her own. Again, even I don't think I can do that.

[Hope75]

As for suspecting her, I never stopped that and I never stopped at thinking she would do whatever to try to wrestle him back - since he meant the life to her. All my bf had to say to this was to trust him and that he loves me.

 

 

I'm sorry but knowing this and agreeing to let her move in with your bf and even having your bf suggest it shows complete lack of respect for you and for your relationship.

 

He has a one bedroom apartment? You can have a guess where she will be sleeping.

 

It is hard for me to understand why you are acting so blind to what is going on here and allowing yourself to be walked over, which is exactly what's happening.

 

It's sad.

[Farami]

Thanks for all the help here. I might not be able to use all the advise given but they do give me a varied perspective on my issue.

 

bearhugs to everyone

[DN]

Try talking to him again and express your concerns more clearly. He my be proceeding under incorrect information and he may also be glad to have an excuse to tell her 'no'. He may also be able to help her in some other way without her moving in - finding cheap accommodation for instance.

[Hope75]

Yes, there has to be another way rather than inviting her to move in with him. As Ocean Eyes said, it's one thing to help someone in need, and another to invite your exgirlfriend to move in with you when you have a new gf whose feelings you should be respecting.

[Farami]

I'll try to speak with him again. I just do not like it when it becomes an argument. He has not said yes to her and neither is he showing any interest or encouragement towards her return.

 

He did respect my feelings when he told her he'd talk to me first and see how I felt about it. And that was relayed to her. If she forcibly flies back to his town and stands outside his door with her bags, I don't know what he's going to do - no doubtedly he would have to take her in. But this is overthinking on the issue. It is not a small issue but it's not something I wish to blow up when he has no more romantic feelings for her and only wishes to help her out.

[Hope75]

Why does it turn into a fight when you try and talk to him about it?

 

Does he take her side?

 

Are you afraid that if you put your foot down, he will choose her over you?

[DN]

Or are you worried that he wil go to her if she stays?

[Farami]

It turns into an argument because I tend to get overwrought over it and start crying and it makes him upset and annoyed that I can't discuss it without crying or breaking down, and he starts being angry.

 

He doesn't take her side or my side. He gets annoyed / angry with her as well when she talked to him and begin accusing him of 'taking my side' in things.

 

I've already told him I don't feel good about her being there but I do not want to get into trying to find a solution for her or give her money etc since she is not my responsibility.

[Hope75]

If it is upsetting you this much and he can see that, what he should be doing is telling her that she needs to take care of herself and that he is with someone else now and that they are over and she is on her own.

 

He should be taking your feelings into consideration before hers, and he is not doing that.

 

This is not the way a boyfriend should treat his girlfriend, and you are getting the short end of the stick.

 

If it were me I'd tell him to make a choice, her or me.

 

If he refused to stop helping her I'd send him packing.

 

If he respected you and cared for your feelings he would never be doing this. It's totally unreasonable and way out of line for an ex to be going to great lengths as he is to be helping her, when he has a new girlfriend.

 

Why are you allowing yourself to be put second to her?

 

Why do you not demand more for yourself?

[Farami]

I do feel uneasy yes when I think about it because it is a change that might occur. As this far, we have not discussed this issue anymore and I am leaving him to come up with a responsible solution. I don't work on a "This or nothing" policy, I understand he's going through a dilemma right now as well.

[Hope75]

I understand he's going through a dilemma right now as well.

 

In his "dilema" (which is actually her dilema that he is making his dilema, and why?)

 

He is forgetting to take your feelings into consideration or respect for his relationship with you.

 

If he invites her to stay he takes her feelings in before yours, and that does not vouge well for your relationship.

 

What about your dilema? (the fact that your bf cares more about her and her needs than you?)