Loneliness

[guapa]

I'm so lonely that I cry pretty much every day, sometimes just randomly, you know when I'm at work and I go to the bathroom and my loneliness just explodes out of me in torrents.

 

I've been in contact with my ex and he wanted me to confess to him that I'm not over him and all, I basically did and we talked for a while, I went home and wrote him and email saying that I was just attached to an idealized version of him and that it had nothing to do specifically with him, but then the following day I called him and we talked for five minutes or so (he was at work) and I said that I was sorry, that I valued him as a friend, but I just felt so much loss it was hard and I was trying to seem tougher than I felt. And he said he understood and we hung up to talk later. When he called he sounded a bit odd and I couldn't place it but he wanted me to call him back after I ate, but I didn't because I wasn't sure he really wanted me to.

 

So I wrote him an email (real short) just saying that I wasn't going to call him for the stated reason and that if I was wrong to feel free to call me. He called me the following morning really early at about 8:15 and I missed the call (he said he'd call me back later, but it didn't sound like he had read my email from the message, noting in the message I hadn't called him back). I went to yoga and didn't return the call til about 11:30 and I said I was going to go to a free concert (he was going to as well) and asked if he needed a ride. He didn't call me back, but the thing started at 11 so it was possible he'd already left at that point. It was really crowded and I didn't see him there (there were something like 30-40,000 people). So... anyways, he hasn't called me or written me since then and I am wondering if I should call him again? Also, I guess maybe there is no point because I am in love with him. He said in his email that he loves me even if I refute it.

 

He said he is over me and I believe it, but he also says he loves me and so.... I want to somehow convince him we could work, but when I'm so depressed and needy I know it's not helpful at all..............

 

I'm really sad.

[guapa]

I don't know what to do.... I'm so sad and lonely, I even started thinking about suicide again this morning. I don't really have any friends. I don't want to call him up and seem pathetic, but I feel pathetic.

[DN]

I don't know what to do.... I'm so sad and lonely, I even started thinking about suicide again this morning. I don't really have any friends. I don't want to call him up and seem pathetic, but I feel pathetic.

Do not commit suicide - it is never a wise thing to do over a lover or former lover. If you do you miss the chance of meeting the real love of your life.

 

Get out and about to meet new people. Don't just stay at home thinking about him. Join a theatre group, or something similar where you have a n activity to keep busy and your mind active but where you also interact with people during the activity or socially afterwards.

 

Never rely on one other person for all your happiness and activity.

[Mstyiyd]

It sounds like he is a manipulator of your emotions. Why would someone that can truly love another want the other person to "confess their love"? He is not caring about your emotions or feelings, not at this point. This all sounds like a big ego trip for him, wanting to know how far you'll go for him. Seems to me he should already realize your feelings and intentions and what you want---you have probably said it enough to him!

I am going through something similar, my ex sounds eerily like yours. Right now I personally am in NC w/my ex, and it sounds like you either want to be or need to be. It is the hardest thing in the world to implement, but you cannot screw up your own emotions any more than if u still had contact w/the ex.

It's the 'want their cake and eat it too" syndrome. It doesnt mean he doesnt think you're a good person, or that he doesnt care about you. What it does signify is that right now at this point in time it's all about HIM. So your best bet is to try and cut off all phone calls, emails, IM'ing, any communication so you can focus on yourself and feeling better and stronger. I am sad every day, but I try to get myself out of the house even if its just a trip to the grocery store. It can get hard bec. it seems the outside world everyone is either married or partnered up and its hard to find people to hang out with but they are out there. Takes a bit of effort that you might not have the energy to make, but you have to take your mind off this even a little bit a day.

Feel better and remember it is their loss, not ours.

[guapa]

Yeah, I don't think he is manipulating my emotions, though it does seem like if he knew I loved him why would he bring it up??? It makes it hurt because then I kind of hope that maybe he is asking me because he secretly also wants to be together.

 

I did call him before you all replied and left a short blerb 'hey it's me, give me a call' and he called back immediately but by then I didn't want him to hear me cry and didn't answer and he called back four times and I answered the fifth or sixth time and he said "i'm leaving, why didn't you answer?" and he sounded kind of upset/mad and I said "i'm sorry, i didn't want to" (yeah, i know, that's a lame excuse) and he said well, you know why you called. and i didn't say anything and then he asked me if I went to the concert, turns out he did too, probably wasn't standing that far from me, he asked me if i went with anyone and i said no, and he asked if i'd seen him, i said no...

 

he asked me if i wanted to go for a movie? i said no. he asked me if i wanted to go for dinner? i said no. he laughed and said "i'm serious, do you want to go for dinner" and i said it's too expensive and he said he'd pay... that i'd paid for him before... and i said.....o.k....

and he asked why did i call? i said shut up (jokingly) he said what? i said shut up and spelled it out for him (all joking), he was laughing. he asked me if i wanted to go with him to target, i said that's o.k.... and we joked about that too.... he made me smile and laugh again, it was sweet.

 

i just wonder why didn't he call me back already of his own accord? given that'd i'd called him last...

i don't know... it probably will hurt to keep being friends with him, but i do love him. i feel that he probably knew i was sad and lonely and that's why he asked me out...

[guapa]

and... i'm not going to commit suicide, though sometimes i feel like it... it seems like it'd be a complicated thing to do considering i just bought a car and it has a loan on it and i'm renting an apartment and my roommate would have to deal with it and my sister and brother wouldn't even be able to deal with it i don't think, we are so close and all, they'd be heartbroken.

i just sometimes look and life and say "why???" i want to do good things for other people, i want to be a natural doctor and help people that don't have insurance and everything, but it seems like maybe that'd be really hard to do because there isn't funding for it and it's so alternative to the mainstream....

and my mind spins because i just found out that i have the high risk kind of hpv the kind that causes cervical cancer and i kind of think i got it from him because i'd alway been tested. it's the kind that doesn't have any symptoms and it's very mysterious in the sense you can't tell who you got it from really, it could pop up years later. and so i'm scared about that and worried that i won't be able to fall in love again and have children.

[lifeiscash]

Why continue to let emotions control your life?? I don't see why people let themselves fall for their emotions. Emotions can be a great thing or a harmful thing, being optomistic about life and who you are will make these emotions positive and let you see the good side of how you are and feel. To always point out the negatives impacts and influences in your life, being pessimstic, only drives your emotions further down to a level that you should not be at. It;s just a way of thinking.. there is more than one way to view yourslef and the world. When you let your emotions control you, its not YOU its your freakin emotions. Sorry but I just see so many posts on here where people don't know how to deal with thier emotions because they are not strong enough to control them and the only way to deal and control your emotions is to understand there is more then one way to view things.. and most times being negative allows your emotions to take over.

[guapa]

yeah- easier said than done. you know, i went to a special consultation for depression and all, and they just recommended lifestyle changes, but the lifestyle changes are so hard to follow that most of them I've just given up on, It's too much work!!

 

Anyhow, I DOOOO try, it's not like I just sit back and feel lots of self pity and just don't try. I eat well, I do yoga, I try to do breathing exercises, I give myself oil massages, all that, but to no avail, when it comes to loneliness, it i a vice-gripping illness!! It hurts! Horribly! I felt better when my ex made me laugh and didn't get mad. It was weird that he didn't say anything about how I'm **obviously** depressed (does he just not see it)??

 

I don't know... I'm not lazy, I try...

[kazman32]

I understand,depression can bring on physical symptoms,fatigue,tiredness,etc..being bi-polar and having really low lows..I know what your going through..you have to fight it the best you can,even if you don't feel like doing anything..make yourself,it's the only way to get better.