Head spinning, need to act fast, need Advice ASAP

[LuckyDuck]

My ex g/f broke up with me a month to b/c she thinks she needs to give her ex b/f a second chance. She broke up with him to be with me in the first place but his persistent is changing her mind. He only lives 5 min away. Since then they he only comes over her house and talks to her and her family. She still refuses to go anywhere with him when he asks. She still talks to me and still has strong feelings for me. She said she loves and don't love him. She is happy with me but feels that going back to him just to give him a second chance is something has to do.

So far nothing is happening b/c I think I am still talking to her. But everytime I talk, I have feelings for her again and start bothering her about why we broke up and she gets upset again. I don't know what to do. I told her Friday that I need a month off to try to accept that we broke up. I'm not sure if it was a good idea. I am terrified she will see and spend more time with him and my absense will draw them closer together. My hand itches so much to want to call her and ask if she is seeing him more now that I am out of the picture. I have never loved anyone this way before. Right now any Advice will help me greatly.

[soul]

I am going through the same thin as you. My g/f is thinking of leaving me for her EX b/f. Give her her space because if you don't it will drive her to him, be patient and worry about your self. If she wants some other guy then forget her, its not worth it. good luck

[cruisin]

LuckyDuck,

 

I feel your desperation and it hurts because I've been there and also because I have a strong feeling that though you're reaching out for advice you're very unlikely to take it, because of that very desperation. You're panicking, "terrified" of losing her and yet you HAVE done the right thing by wanting a "time out." Unfortunately, I think you're using this timeout period merely as a ploy to get her to "wake up" to you.

 

Stop throwing yourself at her. She's confused, out of touch. Look at her actions, don't take her words to heart. When someone says he or she loves you but does something that indicates otherwise that is NOT love. Repeat. That is NOT love!

 

This is something you have not learned and you are going to keep on hitting your head against the wall so to speak until you do learn it. Let the other person learn this and then they can come to you and into your life.

 

Don't think that by you being out of her life she's going to realize her true feelings for someone, you or otherwise. This girl sounds confused and out of touch with her feelings. Only SHE can get in touch with them. You can't help her. You can't guide her to her feelings.

 

Please listen to someone (me) who's done what you're doing over and over again, trying to "help" a guy like I was a therapist or psychologist. I kept doing it until I got so sick of myself, so sick of the pain I was putting myself through that I was able to admit to what I was doing. Work on yourself and recognize what you're doing. You DO recognize that she doesn't really love you and you want desperately to deny that. Don't deny it, don't deny yourself! Listen to your feelings. You intuition is trying desperately to get your attention. Don't let your panic grab a hold of you and swing you around. Try to grab a hold of yourself, calm down and LOOK, really look at what is going on. This girl is, at this point in her life, not capable of truly loving. Let her go.

 

It's a horrible feeling I know to "give up" on someone, to "write them off" but this is what acceptance is about. Accepting doesn't mean being happy with the situation. It means seeing the situation clearly, for what it is and basing your next step on that clear assessment.

 

Be brave LuckyDuck. Be brave!

[LuckyDuck]

soul

I think i driving her more to him since i have tried to not contact and ended up calling her before and blaming her for leaving me. This is my second attempt to give myself time away. man you hit me like a brick when you said to let her go. it is so hard to grasp it but i know it is right.

thank you soul

 

cruisine

you must been deeply scared in your past to know my situation so well. you right, she is confused to really know who she really wants. I am trying to be there hoping it will have some infuence on her. You are right, i am taking this time off to plan a way to get her back. after what you said, i am back to sqaure one. I am so desparate that I think of her being with him every second. I only have 5 hours of sleep everyday now b/c I wake thinking of her and how happy we were. I almost called her but after reading your post, it made think again. cruisine, i truly think she does love me but the way she had treated him to be with me was harsh and now quilt surfaces and she needs to correct. I gave my heart without hesitation b/c I wanted to feel true love, without my head saying" be careful, is she right for you". The consequence is that the pain will be far greater, I feel and taste it now. But I would do it again.

Thank you cruisine for your wisdom

[me33]

heres what you do

they guy is over you so basically you should be able to see that you also need to move on, all i have to say is when you find someone new your heart will forget the old. go on dates! experience life and new guys. have a good time!

[LuckyDuck]

hey me33,

 

I don't think she can get over me that fast or i am just tricking myself. I is just hard to believe someone that says they love you can do that. I treated her well. I am still confused and weak.

Thanks for the advice

[cruisin]

LuckyDuck,

 

Did you mean 'scared' or 'scarred?' I think you meant scarred, as in what happens after you're wounded. If so, yeah, I was probably scarred for many years but through more and more fresh wounds I was probably opened up and vulnerable enough to get some healing time/experience in there too.

 

It probably sounds preposterous of me to talk like I know your situation. But I really think I do. I can feel your situation because I was there, believe me. I remember myself, years ago, in what you write, and it hurts. It's your disbelief at what people can do to you that hurts me now. It doesn't hurt because I'm being wounded. It hurts because I remember how it was and it angers me to see another person, innocent, naive, with what sounds like a heart of gold, going through this because of another person's inability to deal with her own emotions. Yes, I guess I was scarred even later because I continued, after the worst pain was gone, to continue this pattern with other guys, saying that I was strong and could take it and I could be there for them and that they needed me to help them.

 

I didn't want to blame them for their shortcomings, even if they were hurting me. And you're probably doing the same right about now, not wanting to blame but wanting to always be there for her. Sure, it's not her fault she's the way she is. She learned this somewhere, probably in her past as a means of coping.

 

But she has to heal herself and you can't help. Many people who are unable to access their emotions never are able to. Don't play shrink. You'll need one yourself eventually.

[LuckyDuck]

How pathetic am I

This is the second attempt at trying not to contact my ex. The first failed because my ex called me and so we continued to talk after that. And now I am so desperate to call her that I am telling my that it is ok to call this time since she called me the first time. I want to kick myself in the a**. But I have not called, my will power is weakening. Must fight this evil force.

[cobro]

Don't call her!!!! Please, I know what you are going through dude. I went through the exact same cycle beginning on April 30 (yes, I will always remember that date) when my ex decided to go back to her ex, I lost like 10 pounds, not being able to sleep or eat, plotting on ways to get her back, always checking my voicemail to see if she called. I wanted to get her back, but it's not going to happen. If you continue to call her, she will lose respect for you. If she continues to call you, tell her you don't want to talk for a while. It is EXTREMELY hard to do, I had to, and because of that I've moved on and you can too, in less than 2 months. My ex would always call me after we broke up, for like the first month. Even after spending the night with him, the next morning she would call me to say hi. That was when I drew the line, I told her her to not call me for a while. I talked to her last week and it was completely "friends" and I think she was with him at the time, but it DOES NOT bother me now. Let her do what she wants to do. It really hurts more to talk to them. After a few days, or weeks in my case, of not talking to her, you will feel better. Just stay strong and keep posting here if you need more advice. Also read the posts on this forum, alot of people are going through what you are going through.

 

Later,

cobro

[cruisin]

LuckyDuck,

 

Don't beat yourself up anymore. That's what you're doing with her. Don't do it without her. There's nothing wrong with you, nothing pathetic. You were doing the most natural and healthy thing in the world, loving someone. It's just you picked the wrong person to love. Don't jump ship, get new bearings and change course.

 

OK, I know it sounds easy. It's not. It's probably the hardest thing you can do because you probably have to learn just how to do it, just what it is you have to do. But you'll never get in touch with that if you start hating yourself. Look, going through these things are going to teach you things you have to learn. So, learn from them, don't shut down thinking you're pathetic. Try to keep a sense of lightness about this hell you're going through even though that sounds like the most impossible thing.

 

Look, don't worry if you slip up and call. It's human. It's how you learn. Yeah, I agree, it's best for you if you don't call but if you trip up don't beat yourself up on top of the pain of falling. Just get back on track and try again.

[LuckyDuck]

Cobro,

It seems like I am just following your experience right after you went through yours. I must be in the "want to get broken to pieces lane" and I am next after you. My heart just jumped out of my chest when you said that you lost weight, checked you email, trying to get her back. I have lost 5 pounds so far. Every time my cell rings, I pray it would be her. I am always checkin for missed calls from her. Even though I have not gone through the full painful journey that you have traveled, I know that my turn is near and it's unavoidable. I will meet you on the other side of recovery soon. Thanks man.

 

Cruisin

Sorry for misspelling you name earlier. For my whole life, I have always bottled my emotions to myself fearing the risk of getting hurt. I never felt comfortable expressing my feelings to people especially strangers. By doing so, I learn on my own through experience and experience only. I could have avoided a lot of unnecessary decision if I had opened up more. I am glad I took a chance and found this site. I am overwhelmed by the support of the members on this site. Now there is a way for me to channel my thoughts with those that can empathize with me. I know I have a lot way to go, but with the care that you can cobro, the road is brighter.

Thank you both with all my gratitude and appreciation to help me through this.

[LuckyDuck]

I have slipped and fallen again. I called her last night at 11:30PM and she was sleeping. It is 9:15AM EST, and I just got off the phone with her. She is always honest with me (so I think). I asked her what she did this weekend (trying to find out if she was with him). On Saturday, she went with him to Foxwoods but also with her sisters and friends. I asked what time they got back and she said they all ended staying in a hotel at Foxwoods. She said every one slept in one room but they shared the same bed. He tried to make moves on her but she pushed him away. I could not believe what I heard. I know she is telling me the truth but eventually she will give in.

I told her that I wanted to see her tonight at 10:30 or 11:00 and she said yes. She said she would have to pretend that she is sleepy so that can get off the phone with him sooner. My question is why does she still want to see me? I know right now that I am still weak and I need to do see her to realize how low I have placed myself before I can get back up. It is easier for me to move and accept things when I look in her eyes and see for myself, a transparent wall that used to cry out so much to me with love and passion that she once had for me. I don't like to assume, I need to hear and see her actions and expressions in person. I need to feel that almost unbearable pain before I can move on. I have always been and in person kind of guy. Even if I wanted to break up with someone, I would tell them in person. I am doing all this because I want to move on faster. The more I see in her that there is no chance for us the faster I can let go. I know I am still weak because I am letting her dictate when I could let go.

All your support is helping greatly, I just have to go through this weakness before I can be strong. Thanks for listening