Need advice on getting over an ex I work with

[cn1104]

Ok, this is going to be a bit long but I am at my wits end. I just don't know what else to do. Part of it is my fault...I got inovled with a married man, although he did profess that he was very unhappy and had been contemplating divorce. And he also suffers from depression, which might explain his confusion.

 

Anyway, we got together in July of last year. We moved in together in September, he filed for divorce and it became final in October. Well, come Christmastime, he wants to get back with his ex...they've been together since she was 15 and he was 18...total of 10 years. So he moves in with his parents. Come January, he is wanting to get back together with me. Then in March we break up for good. One other thing, I lied to him about being married before.

 

Ever since March we have been on again, off again. And keep in mind, we work together. Well, in the interim, his ex moves to Atlanta and they still talk.

 

Finally, in the last month, he really professes that he has always loved her and our relationship was just based on passion, not love. Even though he said it was the greatest passion he has ever had. Well, I can't seem to reconcile this. I have his password to his email and I check it and he writes emails to his ex stating how sorry he is and he wants her back. But then, he comes over to be with me.

 

Well, last night, he writes her this email saying that he has thought about her every day for the last year. he wants her back, misses her, etc.

 

She doesn't know that over this time, we have been on again, off again. He has made it very clear though, that he doesnt want to get back together. WHY CAN'T I LET GO??? I have lowered myself to checking his email to see if they email each other. After reading this last email, I want to email her and tell her what's up...but I know I won't do it.

 

How do I get over this. I have been interviewing for another job, but if that doesnt work, how do I go on while working with him. Why should I care if he wants his ex back? It's just so hard to see him in the halls and not be able to talk to him. And our office is small..,

 

Does anyone have any advice? I just don't know what to do anymore....

[DN]

Yes, don't tell his ex. Stop checking his e-mail as that is unethical and probably illegal. And it won't help you get over him.

 

Decide that you made a mistake, realise that he will not be coming back to you and decide to get on with your life without him.

 

And keep looking for other jobs so you can start afresh = new job, new life and eventually a new partner who is not involved with someone else.

[cn1104]

I really wouldn't contact her. I just want to so bad. I am so angry and bitter and I don't enjoy feeling this way. It is becoming all consuming.

[gardens]

OK--this may sound harsh...you have got to get a grip and move on. This guy is using you and you're letting him. Make finding a new job your number one priority. Stop checking his email. Take a deep breath and move on...honestly, it's the best thing for you. Redirect your anger and energy into creating a new life for yourself. He's married. He has a wife. He has another life.

[PB]

Part of it is my fault...I got inovled with a married man, although he did profess that he was very unhappy and had been contemplating divorce.

 

Rule of thumb. Don't get involved with men professing to be unhappily married until they are professing to be happily unmarried.

 

One other thing, I lied to him about being married before.

 

Why?

 

Finally, in the last month, he really professes that he has always loved her and our relationship was just based on passion, not love. Even though he said it was the greatest passion he has ever had. Well, I can't seem to reconcile this.

 

Why can't you reconcile it? You've allowed yourself to be his mistress while he's been struggling with issues with his wife. Naturally, his time with you is more exciting and passionate because it is secretive, forbidden and a nice diversion from working through problems with his partner.

 

Well, last night, he writes her this email saying that he has thought about her every day for the last year. he wants her back, misses her, etc.

 

Like the others said, don't read his email. It will drive you crazy. I read the email of my ex for about a week (guessed her password) after she started dating another guy and it only caused me additional heartache. I finally told her what I had been doing and advised her to change her password. She changed it, and it's been better for both of us.

 

How do I get over this. I have been interviewing for another job, but if that doesnt work, how do I go on while working with him. Why should I care if he wants his ex back? It's just so hard to see him in the halls and not be able to talk to him. And our office is small..,

 

I share an office with my ex and spend 40 hours a week less that 10 feet away from her. It has not been easy. We've shared the same office for maybe 7 1/2 years (3 years before getting involved, 4 years after getting involved, and coming up on 7 months since breakup). You will go through a zillion mood changes if you stay there. It will be best if you can find another job.

 

For me, I have stubbornly refused to change jobs because I like what I do. After 7 months, I'm finally getting a little more relaxed about the whole thing, but it has been an ongoing struggle. My ex and I even had lunch together yesterday (at one of our former favorite spots) after a business meeting that we both attended. We are "ok" with each other a lot of the time, but the same dynamics that caused us to fall in love (proximity) are still in place. If you stay there, expect to be confused, hurt, excited, hopeful, depressed, and everything in between on a daily basis for many weeks ahead....

[Maggy]

My ex of 1y 1/2 whom I was going to live with in october, and with whom I work, broke up with me 2 months ago and started dating another girl from work 5 days later. I went on vacation for 3 weeks, and started searching for a job. Well...i'm now going to move jobs & country. . I think it's the best way... though it helped that I didn´t really like my job. But even if i did, it wouldn't do.. I keep trying not to go to the part of the office where they both work, (it's a big company), and sometimes make ridiculous detours that no one else understands (I kept the relashionship pretty much a secret in the office). I think you should do your best to find another job. Though it isn't easy...

[cn1104]

All this advice is good. I think one person got confused though. He did get a divorce when we were together. He is NOT married anymore. Just wanting to get back with his ex...

[gardens]

Oops...my mistake on the divorce...sorry about that. However, like some of the other people on this board, I too recently broke up from a year-long office romance. Ours was a secret, and remains to be post break-up. We were only in the same suite of offices a couple of days per week, and we've stayed on a "friendly" basis at the office, having lunch once a week, or so. I have to say, we've both been very considerate and kind to each other during the past couple of months. And it's still been hard. He had a transfer in the works b/f we broke up as part of a promotion, and just moved to another location this week. Today was the first Friday that he wasn't in the office with me, and I've got to say, I feel great relief. I think it's mainly the lack of distraction that has given me peace of mind. Doesn't mean I don't miss him, because I do.

Hang in there!