Physical chemistry verses love

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Having observed this forum and all the horror stories and not entirely sure what I want (I still have mixed feelings as I want my ex who is 24 yrs older but also want to date women my own age who have shared in my own experiences growing up too.)

I must confess some of the stories on this website occasionally leave me a bit disgusted.

When I love somebody or I am strongly emotionally attracted to them to where it could turn into love they usually become physically attractive to me even they were only okay at best before and the thrill of that emotion creates physical chemistry. (this isn't referring to the woman above who is physically very beautiful to me and I do not recall what she looked like before I cared deeply about her emotionally).

Here I hear "I am in love with him but I don't want him cuz there is no physical chemistry or I broke up with him even though I loved him just because the sex wasn't that good."

I never realized how spoiled people are.

I personally get tired of sleeping with the same person many times over.

The repeated act of sex diminishes physical chemistry over the years

(although I know how to combat and defeat that now)

When I am in love with them that doesn't make me want to be with somebody else even if I am burnt out sleeping with them.

And if I am in love with them it creates physical attraction.

So I must admit many of you leave me baffled.

The person is good looking and you are emotionally romantically attracted to them -- but you dismiss them cuz they kiss you wrong, or don't make love to you the way you imagine it, or they are cute but you don't enjoy something about the way they look.

If you are in love with them those things should go away.

If there is strng emotional romantic potential those things shouldn't be a prblem.

When I say 'should' I mean the problem might be in unrealistic romantic expectations for every encounter and relationship or your own psychology might is getting in the way of you having any really long lasting connections.

And it seems a bit shallow and rediculous to expect so much.

Perhaps it is a lack of imagination. Perhaps it is too much imagination.

I suppose I used to presume being in love with somebody would make them physically attractive. But I do forget we are living in a glamorized culture.

[GuiltyAsCharged]

This is exactly what I too, have observed while reading these forums and quite frankly it has made me afraid that even though I would find a perfect partner who would be 100% compatible with me it still wouldn't be enough if there weren't this irrational "chemistry" that women can't live without. I'm not saying we should go back to arranged marriages, but when everything is based only on lust it surely sucks.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

I am even starting to wonder if as a whole women in the west aren't the more shallow gender when it comes to love. Which might make sense since generally speaking, men come to them.

[michelemybell]

It's interesting reading your posts because men have always done this to women!

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Mich so your suggesting men should quit trusting women because they are in general trying to get back at men? Shou;d we give up trying to have a relationship with them? And no, no men I know worry about magical auras.

If we are romantically attrated to them on an emotional level and we find them good looking there is never a doubt that there isn't chemistry.

[ChiMan]

No matter how evolved we think we are or how enlightened we believe we have become, sexual attraction is still a very primal urge. Basically, women still respond to men based on how "superior" they perceive them to be relative to another man. Distilled down to its essense, it is about how much power (translates to ability to reproduce) a women perceives a man to have.

 

In a twisted sort of way, the shallow pretty boy who is able to attract a lot of women does so not exclusively because of looks but because of attitude that gets constantly reinforced. He is seen as desirable thereforeeee he does not have to work as hard for the attention of women. His aloofness is then perceived as power. Contrast this with the attentive, caring, considerate guy who is perceived as needy/weak.

 

It is not any one gender is more superficial than another. It is that we still respond to some of the same urges we did 10,000 years ago.

[michelemybell]

NB, I absolutely am not suggesting that.

I think women now just have more options and are using them. Not all women are like that. You just have to weed through the bad ones. Just like women do with men. Men dump women all the time because the sexual chemistry fades, even if everything else is good. You can't generalize.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Whi i agree with most of what you just said except for the reproduce part AND I think our brain has evolved to the point that we really don't need to think this way anymore. Unfortunately few people question anything.

[ChiMan]

Oh, could not agree with you more NB. We all have the ability to reason beyond conditioned behavior. However, sexuality is one of those areas where logic goes to hibernate!

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

One more thing to the last post: I think our most primal nature is what constitutes shallow.

 

Mich sexual chemistry fades because they get tired of having sex with the same person. Those are usually people who are either selfish, young, or not that in love to begin with. My point is that emotional (romantic sort) chemistry and an attraction to the way the person looks (even if they are ugly) is for most men all you need.

Perhaps the excessive amount of resources (quantity) women are given has indeed made them more shallow in someways then men as a 'general' rule.

[HajiMaji]

Im the same way!!! If i love someone then they become very attractive to me. Even if they werent to begin with. I think its a beautiful thing, to have that.

[ComputerGuy]

I tend to agree with OP. Companionship and having someone there, and just having a person you enjoy being with and can talk to about anything is awesome to have...and to give it up over something like the way they kiss or whatever is a complete waste. Remember you felt like that about the person before you kissed them...so what difference should how they kiss make to anything (just using kissing as an example)

[Juha]

Truthfully women in the western culture are very shallow and do not know what they want...There are not that many good women around becaue of all the crap they are fed....

 

I am only generalizing here but latin women know how to have a loving relationship with a man much better than a western women...

 

I have experienced many of both and there are not that many good women here in the U.S.....

[katefl24]

As a "Western" woman, I found the last post to be offensive. I have had conversations with Latin women about the relationship differences that exist. The opinion of my friend was that latin women are trained to be subserviant and to accept their husbands affairs/poor behaviors due to the economic reliance that exists in the culture. The difference? I work and thereforeeee do not HAVE to rely on a man and hence do not have to "put up" with affairs, mistreatment, etc.

 

Now, maybe because of that I am going to come off as "less loving" (although I do come home from work and cook dinner for my boyfriend, do his laundry, etc...some of the "traditional" gender roles) but in reality what must threaten you is that I am not going to put up with as much of your crap as a latin women might.

 

If you want a doormat, that's fine but don't make a statement that there are no good Western women. That's like saying all men are pigs....

 

I guess I am so lucky to have found a man who isn't threatened by my intelligence, independence, and career and doesn't view it as a negative.

[JustAHuman]

The opinion of my friend was that latin women are trained to be subserviant and to accept their husbands affairs/poor behaviors due to the economic reliance that exists in the culture. The difference? I work and thereforeeee do not HAVE to rely on a man and hence do not have to "put up" with affairs, mistreatment, etc.

 

quote]

 

As a latin woman I think what you said is also a HUGE generalization based on ignorance. We go to university, become professionals and work, thereforeeee, we don't have to rely on a man. I went to university for 5 years, I currently have a job and I also have a very loving relationship with my partner, who is also latin and has no poor behaviours...and I'm not the only educated latin woman, that's for sure.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Why do both of you ladies assume he was generalizing about treating them like a doormat? He didn't say that.

[jevonj77]

As a latin woman I think what you said is also a HUGE generalization based on ignorance. We go to university, become professionals and work, thereforeeee, we don't have to rely on a man. I went to university for 5 years, I currently have a job and I also have a very loving relationship with my partner, who is also latin and has no poor behaviours...and I'm not the only educated latin woman, that's for sure.

 

I know what you mean. I am also currently dating a latin woman from Spain and she has been to college for 5 years and is one exam away from her economics degree( I am not latin). As is common in Spain it takes 5 years as opposed to the 4 years it takes in America to get a Bachelors degree. I do know that the system is currently changing to less years( 4) and that some areas have already changed.

 

She is very intelligent and knows exactly what she wants and won't take any crap let me tell you. However, I do find that she is very cultural. I love this...but she knows that she does not NEED me...so that thereforeeee she is only with me because we are in love. I love this because I don't want her to need me, I want her to want me...that way everything that I do, will be seen more as a gift as opposed to anything else.

 

In general, I relatively believe that the western women is much more shallow...and less cultural than some of the other women from foreing cultures. However, I think this is due more to the fact that America is still a young country and thereforeeee, in some areas, not much of an established culture is present. However, of course there are always the exceptions, which is why I said that I was speaking in general.

[darkblue]

I relatively believe that the western women is much more shallow

 

One what basis?

[Shadows Light]

Truthfully women in the western culture are very shallow and do not know what they want...There are not that many good women around becaue of all the crap they are fed....

 

I am only generalizing here but latin women know how to have a loving relationship with a man much better than a western women...

 

I have experienced many of both and there are not that many good women here in the U.S.....

 

WHAT constitutes a good woman to you??? WHAT constitutes a loving woman to you??? WHAT would it take?????

 

women in the western culture are very shallow?? why??? because we doin't cow tow to men. Because many of us DO KNOW what we want.. Because many of us WON'T accept BS from a man. Because MANY of us know how to draw a line in the sand and say... OH NO.. I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE.. I AM NOT YOUR POSSESSION.. I AM AN EQUAL. and that makes us shallow??? LOL... I hope you do find yourself what you are looking for.. some little miss who will "YES" you to death so you can feel all manly man.

[abitconfused]

I agree with Chiman. I think you should all check out the following link:

 

link removed

 

OK, it's rather long and it's in men's health but it's scientific and logical.