Finally know the truth...

[marthaceleb]

Well I hvae posted here before, last time was about my husband visiting an "erotic massage place", but now I have found out that that he has actually been having an affair and possible has visited this massage place as well, that I'm not sure about. So I have now found out that this OW loves him, and he has told me that he only slept with this OW one time a year ago, and that that was all that happened. He told me that this OW woman was someone that had some dealings with the company he worked for and that she would come by from time to time, and that is how he got to know her, and that is why he was still in limited contact with her a year later. He told me that he does not love her, and that she continued to contact him and told him that she was prepared to leave her husband, who she doesn't love and only married him for money, and my H told me that when he realized how serious this OW was and that she was obviously reading too much into what happened, that he finally told her she should not come around his work place anymore.

 

Now the only reason all of this came out into the open was because recently I heard a voice mail message on my H cell phone which was " I'm not coming back, sorry bye, I love you" well of course I freaked out and confronted him finally and that is how all of this happened. Now the message I heard was somewhat confusing, and didn;t really know if I should believe my H explanation. Still struggling with this as I can't really believe much that he tells me.

 

I have not left him, as I have not decided what to do yet....

[venus777]

that message definitely doesn't agree with the story...

 

that's a tough one. even if his story IS true (kind of doubtful) he was lying to you the whole time by cheating and it will be very hard to develop trust in him again...

[chai714]

My money is on you staying with him. I would bet that you'll stay with him.

 

Should you? No. Why should anyone tolerate cheating?

 

The bottom line is that people do. You would have left him by now if you were really going to leave him.

 

I think you ought to consider counseling with him, although that won't resolve the trust issues that will haunt your relationship for years to come. Good luck.

[marthaceleb]

of course my first thought was to stay with him, as I didn't wnt to be alone, and thought that I could forgive him, but as the days go by I find that it's getting harder to try and forget all of this and move on.

 

We have been together for over a decade, and we really know each other well, and are really good friends also, which makes all of this really hard to digest. I don;t have a clear answer as to why he did this. He says it's not me, meaning he's still attracted to me, and still loves me, so the questions is WHY? Why does someone do this? He is really trying to makes things better between us, and I think I do want to stay with him, question is will I be able to forgive him.......

[Hope75]

I don;t have a clear answer as to why he did this. He says it's not me, meaning he's still attracted to me, and still loves me, so the questions is WHY? Why does someone do this?

 

He's right that is has nothing to do with you, it's a choice he made and followed through on.

 

I don't believe this guy. You said yourself that he spent loads of cash unaccounted and you found evidence of this "rub and tug" place he seems to enjoy so much..... and now that your intuition took you further you finally had the courage to call him on it, and got what I believe is a small portion of the truth.

 

What about the message? How do you account for that?

 

You say he is a good friend, do you think a good friend who loved and respected you would cheat on you, and lie about it?

 

Do you think you will ever really be able to trust him again?

 

Are you willing to risk he may do it again, uncluding that right under your nose he may be getting jacked off at a massage parlor?

[marthaceleb]

I am so devasted by finding out about this OW that I have not even addressed the "massage place". I know he is not being completely honest with me, and in a way I don't even know if I want anymore details. Once is bad enough, now if he did it more often, well that doesn;t ereally change much, he still did it. I think I would feel even worse if I knew all of the details. He know that if it happens again that I will leave him. I have made that very clear. Now I know I'm putting myself at risk, but I still love him and cannot leave him right now.

I'm really scre wed.

[Hope75]

He know that if it happens again that I will leave him. I have made that very clear. Now I know I'm putting myself at risk, but I still love him and cannot leave him right now.

I'm really scre wed.

 

What if it is happening right now at the massage parlor? Do you really think it only happened one time with his office mate, given that recent message?

 

What do you mean you can't leave him? That's a pretty flimsy excuse, of course you can leave him. Will it be hard? Absolutely. Will it be painful? You betcha. Can you love him and still know that it is not acceptable for him to sleep around and to leave him? YES.

 

What's worse? Staying, knowing that he knows you aren't going anywhere and that he can cheat all he wants and you will stay (and don't say you won't because if you would leave him for cheating you would do it NOW, not wait until you catch him AGAIN),

 

Or,

 

Respecting yourself enough to know this kind of lying, cheating and deceit is a pretty clear indication that he does not love nor respect you and walking away knowing that you took care of yourself and were unwilling to settle for this?

[marthaceleb]

I know that what you are saying is probably right, but for some reason I feel that I cannot make the decision right away. I know that ultimately I will have to forgive him, or walk away from this relationship. I continue to make very bad remarks, I'm very sarcastic as well, which only ends up hurting me in the end. Right now I feel that the hardest part to get over is not the sex, but trying to understand how someone who knows they have a chance of loosing their spouse and disappointing their family members still takes the this kind of chance. This is what I cannot get over.

The problem is that I still love him. I am deeply disappointed, and upset and really angry that he has disrupted our lives and caused so much pain. For someone who wanted to start a family with me, I just can;t understand what he was thinking. Just a few months ago he expressed how much he would like to have children with me. Does this make any sense?

[Hope75]

Of course it makes sense.

 

You are hurting because the image he has been presenting you is not who he is, and now you have found out who he really is and it hurts.

 

I am sure you feel deceived and lied to, and it is hard to understand how someone who claims to love us could do this to us.

 

You have to consider that you are right, he made a conscious decision to step out on you, knowing that he could hurt you, devestate the marriage and possibly lose you, and knowing all of that he still chose to sleep with someone else. I honestly don't believe it was one time a year ago, do you? If so, why is she still calling him and leaving this message on his phone?

 

Than there is the separate isssue of the massage parlor. It just seems this man is dispecting you left and right, and who wants to live this way?

 

A healthy relationship must have trust, honesty, mutual caring and respect, and love, and it seems a great deal of these qualities are missing from yours, don't you want those?

 

Do you really think you can trust him and go forward, or will you always be suspicious of what he's doing and feel the need to track him? I don't think I could trust him.

 

Ultimately the decision has to be up to you, but given all he has done, I just don't see that as someone I would want to continue to allow in my life if I were you.

[BellaDonna]

Hi marthaceleb,

 

I don't think you should consider children unless this is fully resolved.

 

Right now he's getting off far too easy.

 

I think should tell him EVERYTHING you know about the massage parlor. I also highly doubt he only slept wiht this OW once a long time ago. Her message does not fit with that story. He HAS to come clean on everything or you'll both be fighting a losing battle.

 

I continue to make very bad remarks, I'm very sarcastic as well, which only ends up hurting me in the end

 

Your reaction to his cheating will lay the foundation for his future behavior. If he gets away with it- he will take you for granted again and again....you'll become a doormat. Your remarks are really not bad compared to what he did to you.

 

If you truly want to give him antoher chance- the only that you'll have even the slightest chance of it working out is if he

 

#1 Admits to EVERYTHING and takes full blame

 

#2 Tells you "why" he did it

 

#3 SHOWS you that he's regretful and that he will change

 

#4 He enters counseling

 

Right now he's being sweet because he knows his butt is on the line. What's going to happen a motnh from now, 6 months from now, a year from now? Do you think this new found sweetness will continue?

 

Can you imagine being 9 months pregnant and wondering where he is, what he's doing, etc?

 

If you plan to stay with this man, he needs to go into counseling. You will never get any closure from this, and the relationship will never heal, until he takes ACTIVE and long-lasting steps to earn your trust again.

 

He needs to be given an ultimatum.

 

BellaDonna

[Upsetwifeofone]

Oh marthaceleb, firstly a huge hug.

 

I'm in the midst of counselling because of my husbands emotional affair. We have kids which makes it more important that we try to resolve the issue rather than just walk away from each other. My husband is remorseful, said that I couldn't have done anything different and is haunted daily by his mistake. Hopefully his greener looking grass theory has been dismissed, at the end of the day, he still had to mow it, but jokes aside, go with your heart.

 

Being with a partner for many years means you have so much instilled in them. I get my days where the hurt and anger and not understanding is overwhelming, but I'm learning to tell him what hurts. The not knowing is worse, not knowing why.

 

I hope you find a resolution to your soul searching, but think of healing yourself first.

[yeawutever]

Oh dear, yes I do remember you post yesterday stating about your husband going to the massage place. It's a good thing you finally found out what's really been happening afterall, now you have two options, staying and forgive or moving on without him.

I would go for later option, b/c what he's telling you does not seem to agree with what you heard on the cell phone. It could be true, but know knows after all the lies he's been hiding for a year, a living lie and the fact that he says it has nothing to do with you nor the relation, shows that he would do it again if given the chance to.