will time help?

[sunshine85]

Hi all, just found this board...and it has been sooooo helpful! Trying the NC thing although...doesn't seem to get easier!!

 

To be short and sweet, me and my ex-bf(almost fiance), broke up because he cannot get over things that happened in my past (problems, crazy behavior, other partners)...all of which have not affected us now, except the fact that he "can't get them out of his head"

 

When he moved out he told me that everything was perfect...us getting along etc...and he would marry me except for those issues, and that maybe another guy could handle those past issues better than him.

 

So my question is will time help him see that we had a great realtionship and those past issues are not going to affect us...I cannot understand giving up a great relationship because of somthing in my past....

 

 

I have done 2 weeks straight NC, even though his mail is still here and some of his stuff, I haven't used that as an excuse to call....although I want to!!!!

 

Thanks for listening

[DN]

A lot depends on what those problems or issues are. But you should realise that they have already affected the relationship because he can't deal with them.

 

It is a little hard to advise you without knowing more specifics, partly because I don't see how you can demonstrate that whatever those issues are will not affect a relationship with him in the future if you are not talking to him now.

[sunshine85]

I hear ya...

 

In the past I had problems with eating, and sleeping with people....but it has been years!!

 

I thought if I was going to marry someone I should be honest with my past...but he feels he would rather not know.

 

We thought about giving it time, but he kept saying that he didn't know how much time it would take to get over these things....

 

I guess I keep thinking if I do NC, that will give him the time to "get over it"

 

but I guess you are right....if it is affecting him now it is a problem

 

thanks for the post

[DN]

Try talking to him. Tell him that what you did in the past is over and done with, that you have learned the lessons and don't intend, or even want, to repeat them. That most of us make mistakes as we mature, some of them bad ones. The fact that we made those mistakes is not as important as the fact that we have changed as a person - matured, wiser, and can know the difference between positive and negative behaviours.

 

Ask him to understand where you are coming from because of his own experiences - he must have done things that he regrets.

 

If that doesn't work - then he may be right in that he cannot get past them, and you may have to move on to someone else. If you do have to do that, more discretion about your past may be wise. Honesty is a good thing - but discretion is good also.

[sunshine85]

I guess I should also add more specifics, so the situation is a little clearer.

 

We had moved into together...started planning the wedding, he was just saving for the ring. We had booked it and everything.

 

Then when he found out about my past, he said if the wedding was tomorrow he wasn't sure he could do it.

 

We went on like that for a few weeks, post poned the wedding...yada yada

and everything was fine except he couldn't getr over that.

 

His big concern was how long would it take hime to get over it...he went to see a therapist once......but he got nothing from it he said.

 

We talked for weeks about how this wasn't part of our relationship now, and how much we loved each other....but he couldn't get it out of his head...especially my past partners....(when he had plenty too!!)

 

He said his gut told him to leave, the same gut thattold him weeks before he wanted to marry me...so I am very confused!!

 

I want to break NC and see if he changed his mind, but I know if he did he would call me....still it is hard.

 

I keep thinking in time, he will miss me and what we had, but the future is never clear.

 

I am also worried, that he will change all his contact info etc, and he will be out of life forever....he also owes me some money, but I am too tired to try to deal with that now.

 

Maybe time will make him realize that the past is just that the past!

 

I can only sit here and try not to think about it...and how easy it is for him to move on.

 

I keep thinking about how he cried like a baby when he left....was that just an act?

 

so many ???'s and no answers

 

thanks for listening

[DN]

Ask him to go to couples counselling with you.

 

Ordinarily NC is a good thing but it seems to me that you both have unresolved issues that could possibly be worked out with help from a third party - a good professional. None of those issues will be resolved with NC because he is stuck in his way of thinking right now. And even if he were to come back those issue would still be there.

 

You asking him to go to counseling may also help to convince him that you are very serious about loving him and wanting the relationship back on the right track.

[sunshine85]

I keep thinkning about calling hime...telling him all that..

how the past won't hurt us etc....but we talked about that to death before he left...

he just kept saying this is too big of a problem, and he doesn't know how much time it will take to get over...He reminded me I'm not a bad person, and he doesn't want to not see me again....he even confused me with maybe in some time we'll want to date again, or he would want to and I wouldn't, but these could just be statements people say when they leave

he just packed his stuff and we haven't spoke since...

 

I feel like when he is ready he will call, but who knows?

 

I suggested the couseling thing, but he really wasn't into that before he left.

 

thanks for listening

[alphonsefa]

If these things from your past, are things that weren't done when you were with him, and have no direct effect on your relationship, besides him being mentally hooked up on them; then what he is doing is very unfair to you. You were honest with him and told him and now he is using that honesty against you. This guy is bad news waiting to happen. Think about how disrespectful and unfair he is handling this. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? Leave him be and if he contacrts you call him on his behavior.

[DN]

People can't help how they feel. Even though you were honest and it didn't directly affect him, it altered his view of you as a person and adversely affected his feelings for you. And that is a very difficult thing for some people to get past. Look at this way: you were honest with him about what you did - he was honest with you about how he feels about it.

 

I don't think it helps to 'blame' him for how he feels. If he can get get past it and make the relationship work despite them, all to the good. If he cannot, he is right to end the relationship now rather than allow it to destroy it slowly over time.

 

All you can do is to give him the opportunity to work through those feelings - blaming him certainly won't help.