im grateful for being here.

[On The Road]

Sometimes i wonder why i still come back to this forum. It brings back a lot of bad memories. But maybe it's the feeling of knowing im not the person i used to be. Today i came back to write about how i might have started to accomplish something: Letting Go. Anyone ever let go of something that has been eating at them for the past 11 years? It's tough. Although I'm sure most of you know that.

 

I'm adopted. As i have explained every time i have made an entry on here. Which kind of sucks because every time i meet someone i feel like if i don't tell them then they'll get mad at me which is exactly what some of my friends have done and ya know it should be for me to decide when im ready to tell someone something like that to someone i feel trustworthy but...... i digress. anyways. My biological parents left me when i was 5, i found out i was supposed to meet my mother this past july but it never happened for other reasons that would take a whole nother 15 pages to explain and it was tough and blah blah blah.

 

The point of the matter is that I've been killing myself over the fact that i was ditched on the side of the street. Which is not entirely true, okay i was never dumped on the side of the street. In fact i have very loving parents... which also could be argued but as a whole they are good people. But she was never part of my life. Except for those 5 tiny little years. But even if she came back in my life now.... it would be too late. And i feel like im starting to let go. not forgive. but let go. and sometimes i feel like part of me is going along with that.

 

A few months ago i found out that i was an accident. you know, my biological mother taking meds for an infection that complicated her birth control pills. But more importantly, im actually able to say outloud that maybe i was meant to be here. Which i think is a big step. Now i just have to believe myself.

 

Someone left me a comment a long time ago when i posted on here and he had said that he was adopted too and that there was not enough of us out there. At the time i was like whatever. But i realize that he is right. I don't know who he is but i do know that that comment stuck in my head for a long time. it still is in my head. I could have been a victim of abortion. And for that im thankful for my life.

 

I slit my wrists about a year and a half ago. Not bad enough for hospitilization or even bad enough for anyone to really know but myself. But i soon became a victim of self-mutilation. Hmm. This is harder to admit to myself than i thought. But i do know that i don't want to be that person anymore. And I haven't been for awhile.

 

I believe that i have the strength to keep going.

 

I can't say i love my life.

 

I can't say i don't fear being alone.

 

but i can say that I am grateful for being here.

 

sorry for ranting on but i felt as if i wanted to tell someone. And maybe no one will read this. But i certainly feel better after writing it.

[DN]

I read it and I am glad you feel better about writing it.

 

One thing to remember - the people who adopted you chose you. So you must have been special to them.

[Cyndane]

Thats the great thing about this forum - the freedom of being able to express yourself and how you feel. I hope you are feeling better after putting your thoughts down. Reading it brought me to tears and made me appreciate your strength even more. I'm glad that despite all the difficulties, you've chosen to be strong. Take care.

[skyjuice]

Hi On The Road,

 

It is good to express yourself.

Glad that you are not the person you used to be.

Start living life for youself. Be good to yourself, because you deserve it.

[MetallicAguy]

im actually able to say outloud that maybe i was meant to be here. Which i think is a big step. Now i just have to believe myself.

If you think about it, if you weren't meant to be here, your biological mom could have got lucky(maybe lucky for her at the time, because she didn't want to put up for the responsibility) and the infection meds didn't "kill" the birth control. But since, it didn't complicate the pill then, you WERE meant to be here . I mean you believe God has ALL the power in the universe right (sounds cheesy but really take your mind off that for a second lol)? Hope you feel better after reading that.

[Shinobie]

Ya i really love this forum.The only bad thing i got out of it is that it has opened my mind.And i cant stop thinking lol i am constantly thinking.Think thats why i have insomnia.I hope u keep coming to this forum and people can help you.Hope things just get better for you.