I read her email

[kalsman]

While casually checking my girlfriends email for her (she asked me to), I saw she had a recent one from her exboyfriend. Curiosity got the best of me and I checked it again later to see what he had to say.

 

He really didn't say much and was just replying to something that she sent him...something that has me now questioning things. She said: "Thanks for hanging out with me the other day. I had a lot of fun."

 

(there was a bit more to the email but was irrelevent)

 

It seems innocent enough...had she told me about it! Everyday we ask eachother what we did the day/days before but she said nothing about hanging out with him. Should I be concerned that shes being sneaky about this? ...and if so...what do I do? I cant come out and say that I was reading through her past emails and I really dont want to come off unnecessarily jealous.

 

She once asked me if it was ok that she was still friends with him. I said I didnt have a problem with it so long as she didnt have any feelings for him and that I trusted her. I know that she really cares about me and our relationship but not telling me about this is killing me. I would NEVER hang out secretly, or even openly, with exgirlfriends so I am having a hard time rationalizing this.

[stratguy620]

Ive been in this same situation before. If you ask her, youre afraid she'll get mad, if you dont ask her, youre afraid she might be doing something behind your back. Looking back, I regret not bringing it up, if that helps at all...

[dw_rc...Confused]

Well seeing how she mentioned it to you I would draw a line under this as being nothing. If you don't bring it up then you have to live with the irritating suspicion but if you do bring it up you risk her thinking you don't trust her.

[beachieca]

Maybe she didn't see it as a big deal, which is why she didn't bring it up with you....if she were trying to hide something I doubt she would ask you to check her e-mail for her...she would be doing everything to keep it from you. I'm sure everything is okay =) If it keeps bothering you, then I suggest just gently and casually mentioninh it. I wouldn't take that as jealousy or anything...

[kalsman]

One thing I dont understand is the desire to hang-out-with/be-friends-with ex-lovers. That would be sooooo far down on my list of priorities that I just cant see why she would call him up wanting to hang out.

[OceanEyes]

I just cant see why she would call him up

 

And you won't until you talk to her about it. You can picture 1000 scenarios in your mind and let it eat away at you, or just come right out and ask her what's up.

 

If she's really the type of girl you want to be with, and you trust her, she'll be completely honest about it. If you find out that she's lying about it or trying to hide it from you (really ineffectively), then it might actually be a good thing that you find out now.

 

You will have no idea what's going on until you talk to her. As her boyfriend, you're allowed to ask her things like that without her getting upset. Don't you think she'd wonder if you were hanging out with your ex-girlfriend without her knowledge? You guys should be able to talk about things like this easily.

[lady00]

I think since this seems to be bothering you so much, you may just want to casually bring it up. Don't say "I saw the email." Say something like "Hey, how's [her ex's name] doing? Do you ever hang out with him anymore?" Try to find a better way of bringing it up than just saying it out of the blue because that might be a little awkward. If she volunteers the information about them hanging out and says what they did then you will just have to trust her on that. If she becomes defensive or seems not want to talk about it then you may have something to be suspiscious about.

 

Some thoughts about friendships with exes:

 

Sometimes, friendships with exes can actually work. Other times, it doesn't work out like that. In my experience, I have been able to remain friends with exes who I no longer really have any feelings for or am no longer attracted to and these are true friendships which I enjoy and want to continue with no matter who I happen to be dating.

 

I can see that you may be upset about her hanging out with him without telling you but then again, if he's a friend then I don't see why she should necessarily have to tell you about specific instances of hanging out with him...If he really is just a friend then, like her other friends, she would hang out with him without necessarily telling you about it and it wouldn't be like she was hiding something.

[kalsman]

So it just happened that her ex called the other night while drunk. She talked to him for like 15 min. all the while I was waiting in bed for her to return. I got pretty angry and she obviously picked up on this and asked me what the deal was. Thats when I asked her if she had been talking to him much and if they had been spending any time together. She said that they hadn't. I asked again. and again she told me no. Thats when I told her about the email and that I knew that she had and she was lying to me. She told me that she didnt tell me because she thought I would take it out of context and get mad at her and then she said that she wouldnt talk to him again because it was putting an obvious strain on our relationship (there was a lot more to the talk but I'll spare you the details).

 

Soooo....anyway, I just wanted to give an update to reinforce what everbody always says on this site...you gotta talk about things!

[mavrick]

Hi buddy

 

I have been through a relationship and the exactly same thing which happened with the email broke my relationship.

 

What mistakes I did pls dont repeat them otherwise u will land exactly at the same place as I had.

So

1) Never tell her or ask her directly about such situations.

2) Never tell her that she should have told you that she mailed him or went out with him.

 

This is all too hard but atleast this can save your relationship i guarantee.

See by asking her about what she has to say about this (even casually) she would think that you dont trust her much.

Maybe she didnt tell you cuz she thinks that everything going on between you two is too good and why her ex be back in your conversations.. so that u r not upset in any way.

 

Think positively and never repeat my experience.

Things will turn out great just be carefull about not asking her (even when she knows that u love her a lot) insensitively.

 

The key in a relationship is the Sensitivity... maintain that and you will be a victor.

 

All the Best.

[lady00]

Hi buddy

 

I have been through a relationship and the exactly same thing which happened with the email broke my relationship.

 

What mistakes I did pls dont repeat them otherwise u will land exactly at the same place as I had.

So

1) Never tell her or ask her directly about such situations.

2) Never tell her that she should have told you that she mailed him or went out with him.

 

This is all too hard but atleast this can save your relationship i guarantee.

 

I agree...keeping quiet may save the relationship but it's also unhealthy. If one has concerns, one should voice them. If she becomes defensive or lies to, then that's an indication that something is up.

 

 

See by asking her about what she has to say about this (even casually) she would think that you dont trust her much.

 

 

True, but he may be justified in not trusting her if she's lying.

 

For me the bottom line is...if she has nothing to hide then she need not lie when you ask her something point-blank. If she had been upfront when he asked her about it, there would be no reason for him to worry but saying that she was worried he would take it out of context is a poor excuse. If she was worried, she should have just explained to him the context of the meeting.

[OceanEyes]

Keeping quiet about a situation like this is absurd. It's basically settling to have someone treat you in any way they wish.

 

There are people out there who don't want to lie or cheat and you'll never feel the need to 'withhold' this type of information out of fear of how he/ she will react. If you allow people to walk all over you, some will.