Am I crazy?

[TiredMan]

I probably am posting too often these days but I have no real support system. For those not familiar, g/f of 8 years doesn't want us to be together, my family has been very distant and cruel throughout my life, all my close friends betrayed me at one point so I had to cut them off.

 

Anyway my problem is that my whole life has been very hard and I have had to do so much alone. I never felt comfortable except with the ex g/f. According to her, I pushed her away by emotional reactions towards her. She knows all about my emotional background and claimed to have been understanding. I was yelled at and made to feel worthless all my life by my family. It's shaped who I am. Anyway, when she would say or do something that made me feel that way by either yelling about something or not understanding my pain, it really hurt me. I used to always bottle it up when hurt. For about 24 years I did this. Then I hit a point where I just exploded on people when they hurt me because I felt anyone who cares and knows how I take stuff wouldn't hurt me.

 

So I would not talk to her for a while, say mean things that I know hurt her, or even punch a wall or something. I never touched her nor would I. I just felt she understood as I was trying to work through this. I'm in therapy for it now. But she basically cut away by saying how I hurt her and it made her feel so bad. I never wanted to do anything that hurt her and I have not forgiven myself once ever. She has plenty of her own issues as well (many like mine) but her family was not one. They don't talk about their feelings but they also never made her feel bad no matter what. It was unconditional love by them.

 

Anyway, I just watched Kindergarten Cop on TV. I have seen it before but never thought about this. The lady has an ex husband who is a lunatic criminal. His mother, which they show, probably had a lot to do with that. He obviously isn't sane but she is still running away from him. Made me wonder if that is how she sees me now. I don't want to hurt anyone and I am trying with all my heart to stop with the therapy and making strides by myself. I just feel like she all of a sudden got sick of my emotions and cut off when she got fed up. Am I crazy to have these emotions? Am I crazy to think that she would stand by me through this when we were together for 8 years and she knows all about it? I felt like the fact that I can admit my problem and get help for it, should show something. But I just can't help feeling so alone and betrayed. She WAS my support system when others hurt me. I was hers as well. But without me as it, she still has her parents to feel love and not alone. I don't have anyone. It's killing me.

[Jetta]

Sounds like you're doing the right thing by working with a therapist. Maybe your girlfriend needs this space to heal her own issues. I really think you need to focus on getting well. Perhaps she'll return, perhaps someone else will come along once you're healthier. But for now focus on getting well.

[TiredMan]

My situation is where I haven't met one person I would consider during all 8 years. I just don't understand how she knew exactly how I was from even before we started, then now it's not good enough to stay? She has many of her own issues as well but you can't talk to her about the, because she gets VERY defensive. She admits that but doesn't do a thing about it. Many of my outbursts was that she did something that hurt me (usually not intentionally) and I would tell her what bothered me. She would ALWAYS get defensive and that got so frustrating, my head would burst.

 

Like I said in this post or another (dont know how many lol), I really have no one to confide in anymore (family is a horrible situation as well as friends), she was the only one I could be open with the whole time. Before her, I kept it all in. By the time my therapist learns how much stuff I have, I will be 75 years old. There really is that much. I'm basically screwed.

[Mun]

I think we all have our limits about how much we can take. Maybe she reached hers and couldn't be around you any longer for her own peace of mind. Like you said, she has her own issues to deal with.

 

It's great that you're in therapy and working on these things. Keep doing that. Is there any kind of support group you could take part in? Ask your counselor.

[TiredMan]

I think we all have our limits about how much we can take. Maybe she reached hers and couldn't be around you any longer for her own peace of mind. Like you said, she has her own issues to deal with.

 

It's great that you're in therapy and working on these things. Keep doing that. Is there any kind of support group you could take part in? Ask your counselor.

 

But why not give me a hint that she was going to leave? She said it just "hit her" after the last time I got mad and didn't talk to her. She still loves me and cares but why not stand by my while I go through all this? i could stand by her through anything but cheating. I'm sure of it because I have. I'm still here.

 

How can a person wait 8 years then decide this? She knew how I was from when we met. I just don't understand.

 

I thought about groups but knowing myself, I can't open up in them. Getting myself into therapy was hard enough because of it. Not to mention the people who know about how I feel (her and my mom) both aren't supportive now.

[Mun]

It might have taken her 8 years to reach that point ...usually people don't make rash decisions.. they are a long time coming. I don't know for sure though as I don't know her personally. Just something you might consider.

 

It might do you better ( in her eyes) for you to go through this alone. Sort of like tough love---if you see the consequences for your actions you may be more likely to change. If she was still there then there might not be as much incentive for change. Don't know, just a guess here. Does that make any sense to you?

[TiredMan]

She knows I am suffering. She knows I'm not sleeping or eating right. She knows I'm vomiting when I eat because of nerves. She knows I'm thinking of leaving home and just going anywhere with no money because I'm at my last nerve. She also knows I'm considering not being alive anymore. All parts of it.

 

I know it built up. But it was NOT communicated to me, in fact she spoke like someone who was staying with me forever from day 1 to the end, knowing how I was. If she had told me that she was close to leaving, I would have been in therapy no matter what. She is the type that expects everyone else to fix things. But I accept her like that. She isn't even talking about the things she did. But I always forgave her no matter what. It's very tough.

 

Let me add that she knows how emotional I have been and how sad. So she is constantly worried that I will give up on my life and/or just leave and go somewhere that no one can find me. I have thought about both considerable. The going away thing was very close on Saturday and I told her. Anyway, once we got off the phone, I decided to take a brief trip. I haven't spoken to her since Saturday afternoon and she has left me text messages saying "you know how I think. I'm very worried. Please call me" And in her voice messages she sounds like she is in tears. I was about to rush to call her to ease her feelings but I thought better of it, as of now. I'm not gonna rush for someone who can't stand by me right now. I don't know if it's the right thing to do but who knows.

[TiredMan]

Spoke tonight because she was/is worried about me. She then talked about being friends and see what happens. I told her that I can't forget that she turned her back on me. So much pain.

[Mun]

I know that you're hurting about what happened. Did you ask her why she turned her back on you?

 

If she has a valid reason then you might have to weigh whether it's more important to hold on to that hurt or have her in your life again. Your choice.

 

I think if she wants to be there for you now you should give her, and yourself, that opportunity...but of course that's up to you.

[TiredMan]

When I say that, she feels she didn't turn her back on me. I'm telling you this woman rarely admits to anything. She feels she is there for me. It's funny that when I am really emotional now and she gets frustrated, she gets off the phone. Yeah I really feel like she is there for me then.

 

She was really worried that I just left or had done something bad to myself the past weekend and you could hear it in her voice.

 

But she still does not think she turned her back. My problems got so bad that she feels she was saving herself because she was so hurt. Her reasons for being cold were that she was still hurting. I told her I have been doing everything I can (therapy, not getting upset, even squashing grudges I had with other people, listening to everything she talks about and being interested in even minor things) and she said she doesn't feel like I have done everything. It's like it's never enough. I asked her what has SHE done? She talked about the things that upset me emotionally are still there. That upset me. When you break out on someone because they have problems, that is turning your back on them.

[Mun]

I see what you're saying TM.

I had a friend who went through some very difficult times last year. It was hard to be there for him sometimes...he was a little draining and sometimes I couldn't be there for him. He brought me down. I didn't know what to say or what to do.

 

I'm not excusing her behavior...I just see how it might have gotten to that point that she had to leave.

 

Of course when you're in the other position you can see that as them turning their back on you. So I guess I turned my back on him .

 

Things changed a bit when his doctor put him on medication. Has your doctor or you thought of that? Of course medication isn't going to take away how you feel towards her...just wondering if that might help you out a bit right now...being suicidal is serious.

[TiredMan]

It's a tough situation. Like she is definitely different towards me NOW (whether it's anger subsiding, love peaking it's head out, or worrying about me or all of them) than a couple of months ago. I saw her today when I went by her work for an hour. I went to drop off a DVD I had bought that I know she likes. I only intended to drop it off and leave but we walked around for an hour. Absolutely NOTHING about the situation other than she said she is happy we are not arguing. I guess it was a positive but who knows. I may just leave everyone anyway.

 

I call it turning your back when over 8 years, you don't say a word. If she was always saying "I cant take it anymore. I am leaving" and I would beg her to stay cuz I promised to change and I didn't, then I understood. But I didn't hear one word about leaving once.

[TiredMan]

I saw her today for an hour. We hadn't seen each other for about 2 months. She always said "I don't want to see you" but today she sounded happy. But at the same time, she is also extremely worried that I might just move away or do something drastic to myself. So it's hard to gauge. We didn't argue or anything and spend an hour walking around together and talking. It was pretty nice except for no hand holding or anything like that, which was weird for me. Very weird for me.

 

I know she is scared of and tired of us arguing so she was happy we didn't today. So much pain.