How can I help an insecure guy?

[Karibo]

Hiya!

 

There's a guy I will call Lee , that i have just started to get to know. We met and got on really well and there was a lot of kissing and cuddling and we text each other every other day and got on so well. He told me he would love to have a girlfriend like me because i was "lovely".

 

He has a lot of insecurities though, which i thought were not as serious as they are when i found out a few nights ago. My friend and his got together through us and they are now going out, so we went on a "double-date" sort of thing because those two wanted us two to get together. I was really happy because we were all having a great time and he is a seriously nice guy.

 

As it was getting late, my friend and bf left me and Lee alone and we were talking philosophically about our own little insecurities and we thought it was extraordinary how similar we were to each other. I thought it was great because we were being so open with each other.

 

Next thing I know he is saying how bad he feels because he feels he cannot have a girlfriend because he is (to quote) "so messed up". I was very disappointed.

 

He said he felt like he's wasted the last four years of his life (he's 25) because he is so insecure that he doesn't look for a job and his parents are really angry with him because they just think he is being lazy. He said he didn't even have the guts to go to uni either because he used to suffer from acne and he is allergic to hair products so he is convinced he is very ugly when he is not at all!

 

He kept telling me that i could do much better than him, but i think he is so lovely. He said he has never had a girlfriend or been intimate with a girl because he feels not good enough for it. He sits at home all day and is broke and even told me he has suicidal thoughts! When we met at the start of the night i could see he was shaking and trying to hide his face with his hands because he was so self-conscious!

 

Basically he said it wouldn't be fair on me to go out with him because he is so depressed and it would bring me down, which is fair enough. We started kissing and he said it felt so good that we were hugging.

 

The problem is, I just wanna help him somehow but i know it has to be him who helps himself. There is seriously nothing wrong with him, but he is so low about himself and thinks he is a monster and stuff.

 

I saw him the other night and we chatted together quite well and I just kept seeing him staring at me through the crowds. We started talking about this guy we both know and he suddenly blurts out "You fancy him don't you?!" which i don't - but he's even insecure about who i fancy too!

 

How can i help him? I want us to be together but i understand why he feels we can't be. I want to help him, but i don't want to get hurt either.

 

He is a lovely guy and i can'd bare to think of him wasting his life like this.

[Unchained_melody]

Hhmm.. as weird as this might sound, but this guy sounds exactly like my ex. My ex broke up with me a few weeks ago because he was 'messed up'. He can't keep a job, he lives with his parents and he barely has any money.

My ex and I went to china to teach english but then he failed that too, all he did was get fired from one job and then from another. He couldn't keep a job.

 

I suggest you don't go for this guy, because my ex was like that too. I felt sorry for him and I fell inlove with sympathy and all the romance he did, but you gotta face Reality. Love isn't all about 'love', it also concerns money, stability, future, security, children, marriage and all that.

 

When you go and look for a lover, usually it's your heart that says 'I love him or her and that's all that matters'.. Not true.

You gotta use your mind too. Your mind is your power, your strength. Our hearts are too weak. We love too easily and it dies when we lose the love.

 

Our mind has no weaknesses, it doesn't feel anything, it's there and tells you the truth from what it sees in the world. You got nothing to lose with your mind.

 

It's up to you what you wanna do with this guy, but think alot about what you're doing first.

This guy seems extremely insecure, my ex was like that, but be carefull because guys who have low self esteem tend to either have a very short temper or become too easily angry or offended by anything - a bug anything! trust me i dated one.

If this guy can't find a job, that's also not a good sign. This guy isn't showing to you he is responsible enough to take care of himself - even more not responsible to take care of your future family or if you suddenly lose your job for some reason, he can't support you.

More likely you'll work day and night supporting him. Only you. Not good or fair.

 

Yes you might say - but i love him. Yes I agree with you I felt that way and still do, but you gotta think of the BIGGER picture. You love him, but you also might end up living in the streets. You love him, but you could also end up being dumped - because guys who are messed up will dump you because they don't feel macho enough to take care of their woman, and that HURTS.

You could love him, but he could end up feeding off you and only you doing the working because he can't.

 

Love is great, it feels great, but think twice before you make the same mistake I made.

It's easy to fall inlove and have love, but you can't just go after that feeling. You need to think about YOUR FUTURE. What it would be like with him in it.

[Beec]

Not quite sure if you have ever seen Spiderman, but it you have seen the kind of smile Kirsten Dunst gives in that, that kind of smile could make a man want to lift Mount Everest and carry it around. Spiderman would not need any superpowers if he got that kind fo smile. That kind of look is inspiring.

 

If you want to help him, I think you need to do from otuside any relationship, but I also think you need to do it in a way that inspires. You would also need to do so in a manner that makes him see that his ideas and all because fo what is in his head.

 

If you did it inside a relationship, he would probably be really passive aggressive and that would be really tough to deal with.