Why is she so cagey

[The_Doc]

OK some thoughts/advice.

 

Well my whirlwind new romance continues apace. Just over a week ago the new g/f told me that she had decided that she did want to move in with me on a permanent basis (she has been living with me for a few weeks as a stop-gap until she found a new apaprtment). This was a few weeks after I had initially asked her to consider it, during which I had left the issue alone and not subjected her to any pressure.

 

Anyway we continue to have a whale of a time and she has warmed affectionally more and more. The way she looks at me, and smiles at me makes me certain that she is being cagey about her emotions.. but I however am falling in love. So whats the problem?? Well she is such a closed book. Whenever she is away she almost never initates any contact – calls, messages etc. She always replies if I send her a message and if I call she always tells me how pleased she is to hear from me. I'm very conscious of being perceived as 'needy', 'clingy', 'desperate' etc and deliberately avoid bombarding her with messages or calling her frequently. When I do contact her I try to always keep it light and funny, upbeat etc. But should I always be the one chasing? I'm fighting my natural instinct to be overly romantic but everything has happened in a blur. I know one of my weakest points is impatience…

 

So what do people think – replies from the girls in particular..

 

thanks

[MetallicAguy]

I think you should ask her what's wrong...I think she is hiding something from you you should know about.

[The_Doc]

My thoughts on why she is cagey

 

1. She got out of a long term relationship in March and was not looking for another 'serious' one and then I came along and BOOM

 

2. She knows that I also came out of a long term relationship in April and have unresolved issues (belngings mostly) with my ex

 

3. Her past relationship prevented her from doing voluntary service overseas and she has her heart set on this and a relationship now threatens to complicate this again (she plans to go in 6 months to a year)

 

4. The whirlwind nature of this is freaking her out a bit

 

5. She is younger than me (8 years) and has less experience of love and long term relationships (she has only had one previous LTR)

 

More thoughts?'

[Reilly2856]

Firstly, it could be due to the fact that since she plans to leave for 6months or so...she doesn't want to get too emotionally involved and have to carry out a long distance relationship. Since she's only had one previous LTR, depending on how that went, she may not be ready to commit again. As you said, you still have some stuff to resolve with ur ex...get that done, so that it sends a clear mssg that ur past is over and you are ready to concentrate on her. Overall, just give her time to come around and get her feelings sorted. Till then, reign in your impatience and try not to overburden her with too much emotion/affection. Moderation works best.

[katefl24]

Reading your post is weird because your g/f sounds exactly like my b/f's ex (except the timing would be off.) But anyway having gone through the whole ex issues with her and my boyfriend, I feel as if I know "situation" of a girl like that a bit.

 

The main reason they broke up was because she wanted to go overseas, and he wasn't willing to wait indeffinately. To me, a girl like this thinks only of herself. She would LIKE to have a boyfriend at home, patiently and faithfully awaiting her return. More power to you if you can do that. But how do you know that she will ever return, and that she will be content in one place when she so desperately needs to travel? I don't think she knows what she wants in life or in a relationship right now, probably is too young or too immature to know - I am young but mature and know what I want out of life already, have begun a career, bought my fisrt home vs. someone only a tad younger who is still figuring out "what they want be when they grow up"? It seems like it is leading someone on to tell them you want to be with them, invest the time to develop a relationship, and them say "Uh, but I'm going to do my thing and that is what comes first."

 

I have no doubt that what you have said already is the cause of her behaviors. Be careful though as she has the potential to hurt you when it comes time to leave.

[The_Doc]

Thanks for the comments so far.

 

I know its probably stupid to fall for someone who in all probablity is going to leave to do voluntary work in another country at some point in the next 6-12 months.

 

Still you can't help feelings and I've decided I'd rather enjoy what might happen and the experiences we will share.

 

In the meantime perhoas she will decide she doesn't want to go but I know that ultimately that is her decision and I cannot and should not try to force that issue, especially so early into the relationship.

 

A related question is how much chasing should a guy do at the beginning?

 

She did send me a really sweet SMS yesterday morning and evening, but again all communication yesterday (3 texts) was in response to messages from me rather than anything she initiated.

 

I really want to call her and talk but a little part of me keeps saying 'Why the hell should I be the one who always calls etc etc' and I know that a lot of guys advise backing off -- let her miss you etc etc

 

Still I hate playing stupid games like this

 

The Doc

[Minty80]

Are you busy during the day? School, work, etc...?

 

I rarely ever contact my boyfriend, because I know he's busy at work all day. In the beginning he was a bit hurt by this and said something to me so we were able to talk it out. Because he talked to me I did try to initiate more contact and called him a couple times but it was often when he was busy and it turned out best that I didn't contact him and let him make contact when he had time.

 

Could it be a simple misunderstanding like that?

 

Or, another possibility, maybe she's just not a phone person? I generally dislike talking on the phone. If my boyfriend calls I'm always happy to talk to him but it's pretty rare I call first, unless we are meeting up and I have to call to tell him I'm ready.

 

Then there is possibility number three, that SHE doesn't want to seem pushy and clingy and waits for you to initiate contact because of that.

 

I think the best bet is to talk with her about it. You might be surprised at her answer (in a good way).