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Advice needed on strange turn of events...


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Hello all,

I'm new to this forum, I was looking for somewhere where I could post my current situation and maybe get some valid advice. It is quite a long and complicated situation, but I'll also be happy to answer to any more specific questions.


I've met this girl, let's call her A, about a year ago over the web, we flirted a bit, nothing really serious, then she got a boyfriend and I recall her telling me around last September or October that "I can't flirt with you now as I'm commited". Sure, it didn't affect me, she was just a friend, and we didn't even get to meet personally. I didn't even see her online for months in a row.


Meanwhile I got to meet this girl, let's call her B, heavy flirting for months in a row, ended up in bed, last January, then she just backed off quite in an impredictable way (while I was off the country). I went out for 3 weeks knowing this great and sweet girl and came back meeting someone else. Apparently she got interested in this bissexual guy and was sleeping with him. I'm way over that now.


Around March, this other girl A shows up online again, we didn't talk in quite a while, and things kept going as they were before she got commited. She noticed I wasn't ok (because of B) and she kept talking to me every day, and eventually she got into the situation. Apparently, either she got to know the bissexual guy by then or knew him from before, as well as the girl, and she even got to find out stuff which I didn't know and were determinant for me to totally get over that situation.


Sometimes I was down, and she'd "flirt me back to place", I even got an erotic picture as a birthday gift on my cellphone. We were great friends by then, although I did avoid to meet her personally, because I wasn't sure either I could or not flirt back in person, if the situation would go that way.


After some delays, we eventually agreed to meet last June. She dropped by with her sister, who had some affaird to take care of in my city, and we were together for half an hour, and agreed on she coming back the week after all by herself. She was quite a beautiful girl, and there was some obvious attraction going on.


Next week when she came, things happened so fast, we were making out in the first hour, and going to my place in the second. She was really sweet and we had sex. She stayed in the city till the next morning (we spent the night out). Things were going just great, I was starting to like her and being liked back. We spent several hours together which were absolutely perfect. The next week I invited her to a private party, she agreed immediately, we didn't have sex that time coz there was nowhere to, but we spent another great night together. By this time she was telling me I wasn't like other guys, and that she was starting to like me more and more, instead of getting disappointed "as usual". I felt the same, in fact I was starting to fall in love with her. We talked every day and on how much we liked each other, and all that, and things were going great. We didn't get commited coz things were on their start and going well so we just were taking our time. At least I was.


Well 1 week after that she told me she was going to attend this party in another city, I offered myself to go along and get us somewhere to stay, she said she had already accepted an invitation to stay at someone's. Well, that someone's was the same bissexual guy she was friends with as well. I started to feel awkward towards it and eventually I got her to tell me what was going on. She answered me that she didn't know what would happen, but she would tell me afterwards, but whatever happened wouldn't change her feelings about me. I decided not to go to the party by then. She didn't contact me through the whole weekend, which left me worried as we contacted each other everyday and she promised she would.


Well, she did get to sleep with the guy. She did get to be great friends with A. She got tangled in my former past and of course I wasn't feeling confortable with it. I told her about it, she started telling me that she liked me a lot but not enough to lose some privileges. She tried to get me into all this "open relationship" theories, not even asking me what I wanted. It's important to say that both the guy and A meanwhile seem to have adopted that way-of-life. She apparently was following. In between the lines was something like a threat "just join in or you won't be getting any" kind of stuff. Nothing verbalized.. Just inherent.


We got to meet together shortly after. There was some tension in the air. We ended up looking at each other.. Cuddling together.. And not saying anything we were probably supposing to. It was another short meeting as she was again with her sister (this time we were totally alone for 1 hour though) and even though it was a sweet moment.. There was some awkwardness to it.. I was feeling somewhat down, as obviously, but we just tried to make the best out of those minutes.


Well right after that she just started to fade away. No phonecalls, no text messages, not online.. Only once in a while she would show up and pretend everything as ok, or text me.. or whatever.

I started hinting that I was going to get out of her life. She would panic and answer real quickly something that would counter that. Most times we got to talk online she would hint I should go spend nights at her place, drop by, even moving closer (as I'm looking for a job and may end up anywhere)"would be so nice". But things weren't natural anymore. She knew she was at a loss, I was kinda hurt with the whole situation. She noticed that and she apologised some times for being so distant lately, and telling me she didn't want to lose me over any stupid mistakes she could eventually do that would hurt me, and everything seemed to be ok for a couple of days, would go back to the way they were.

Eventually I got fed up and eventually started to move away from her and told her that things weren't ok the way they were, and that they were artificial, that I wouldn't want to feel dragged into a "boy toy" situation and all that.

She took a couple of days to answer me. She put all this act of "I don't know what you want from me, I give you all I can as a friend, and I never promised anything else, looks like that may just not be enough for you". That happened yesterday. I answered her that not even I knew what I wanted coz I didn't have enough time to, and wether she did or not. She eventually stopped answering me.


She hasn't been a friend for the last month, since the whole incident. She faded away, only showing up occasionally and briefly. I do respect her, and her opinions, but I don't wanna be dragged into whatever she stubbornly wants of me - an occasional sexual partner amongst others - I would have liked to have explored what was turning into a beautiful relationship and was shot dead at dawn by that turn of events.


More than it, I feel a great loss out of the time I spent everyday with her (even before we got involved), of her friendship, of the spontaneous way we dealt with each other, and hey, the sex wasn't that great for me (she was extremely passive, altough sweet. I could feel some inexperience there.), but I did work on pleasing her though and believe I succeeded, I liked her more as a person than out of sexual pleasure, (lthough I did intend to work on that in the future)I've been feeling quite lonely and sad for the last month for now I don't even have her to speak around with me. I don't even think it's possible to go back into friendship, as things got so complicated, and wouldn't be natural.


If I go along with her game, I'll be but a boy toy.

If I tell her we'll be just friends, friendship will probably be awkward as well.

If I try to pursue her, I'll end up probably outnumbered and be the disposable one.


I do think she felt the same way as I did back then, then she got that opportunity and decided to take advantage of it, and got dragged into this all "open relationship" attitude. I don't know what I want, although I recall the times with her as pretty much almost perfect, and I really was falling in love. I think she is quite naïve and I don't want to see her dragged into situations she probably can't handle and where most probably she won't find any love. I care for her. And I'm quite sad about this whole situation...


Any comments or suggestions on this situation would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading all this.

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Quite a read, but heres my take.


Since the two of you known each other for a while, she felt like getting the insider info on Girl A and the Biguy as a friend would.


Guy friends really don't care who our friends sleep with really.


But she slept with you also. and you both felt intrest.


I think that maybe she wants to play both sides of friend / lover. Perhaps shes a player from all the desperation to keep you in her life and keep her guy count up by +1.


Thats my $0.02

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Well, I might be able to try to be friends. You would be awkward then adjust. And I might be able to appear to be thinking of her as just a friend, while i pursued her. Indeed, that might be an excellent tactic. What I would not do is be a boy toy. I'd be very straight with her, you sleep with me, that's it, we don't sleep with anyone else. I'm not into open relationships, I won't be just a f-buddy.

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Well what I did tell her was: "We should meet, talk about stuff, leave the ego and the "speeches" back home, and work it out from scratch, and make a decision when and if we're confortable with it. Since we've both thought a lot separately about the issue we probably have created a lot of misconceptions. Now the question is, is it worth it? It's definitely not going to be easy".


I am still awaiting a reply, but she takes aprox. 48h to answer me on these issues, probably to think the answer out all neat and tidy. I doubt she will want to have a serious talk with me as she knows she'll be at a serious loss of arguments.

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I think that maybe she wants to play both sides of friend / lover. Perhaps shes a player from all the desperation to keep you in her life and keep her guy count up by +1.


I think you're right, it feels like doesn't want to lose me either way as friend / lover. But she doesn't REALLY realize she's doing it the wrong way. She is most definitely trying to force me into her bidding. As you said, mostly out of desperation. She doesn't do it as a direct threat, I reckon. I'd say it's mostly confusion / bad advice (as she keeps in regular contact with the other fellow).


Well, I might be able to try to be friends. You would be awkward then adjust. And I might be able to appear to be thinking of her as just a friend, while i pursued her. Indeed, that might be an excellent tactic. What I would not do is be a boy toy. I'd be very straight with her, you sleep with me, that's it, we don't sleep with anyone else. I'm not into open relationships, I won't be just a f-buddy.


That would be really hard. As in, we're not REALLY friends anymore, it's gone ever since that situation, it's more like we're "pretending" we still are, out of former ghosts. There's still concern about each other and all that, but we're totally apart in points of views, and thereforeeee not friends.

Also, since we live apart from each other it would be even more awkward, coz we'd have to arrange the meetings.... To just hang out or talk or something. That'd be EXTREMELY awkward.


I'm at a loss if I tell her that "you sleep with me, that's it, we don't sleep with anyone else." as she already sleeps with someone else, I'm obviously a goner, the disposable element as in the "he-doesn't-go-along-my-stuff" kind of guy. The other way around, though, as in telling her that "I won't be your f-buddy, so I won't have any more sex with you" might be a better way. Though far from perfect.


I wouldn't mind having us being each other f-buddy, IF I hadn't developed feelings about her, however, that's not the case. And thereforeeee I would be submitting to her will rather than mine.


What I really feel is that I should pursue her, although by doing so I would be forcing her into monogamy (as she is trying to force me into polygamy), and clearly her side wins, by head-count, and thereforeeee, I won't do it.

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