My boyfriend and porn - cheating?

[Julie_Julie]

I have never used one of these discussion boards before, but I am so glad I stumbled accross this one, because now I am not feeling so alone in the world.

My boyfriend tried to hide the porn he had been looking at on the internet by deleting the history files, but he forgot to delete the temporary internet files...and thats how I busted him.

 

I am so in love with him and cannot imagine life without him ,however,I cannot believe how selfish he is in going and making me feel so inadaquit and sickened. I have been living healthy for 6 months now after verging on annorexia nervosa. Knowing he is lusting after these women in his mind is pushing me back over the edge with this sickness. It makes me feel so horrible inside and so sick to the stomach. It makes me feel so ugly.

 

When he masturbates to porn he is cheating on me. I support this fact by saying that love is an absolute togetherness of two people, in body as well as in mind. Its when you are connected to him on a completely higher level. So, i believe sleeping with other women in the mind is just as bad as "physically" sleeping with other women.

[RayKay]

I am sorry to hear you had anorexia, I too am a recovered anorexic, and have been living healthy several years now...so keep at it I hope you are seeing a therapist or professional for this? It's not something you can do alone...and I say that from experience.

 

I think you need to remember "he" is not making you feel inadequate, a lot of this will be related to your own insecurities and body image issues. Now, if he flaunts it in front of you or compares you, thats another issue. But it sounds like he is not doing that from your post? I can see how it HURTS you, but its important to separate how you feel about it from what he is actually intentionally doing to you...

 

Does he know how you feel - truly? Have you talked about how you feel like he prefers them to you, or how it makes you feel about your body?

 

Maybe if you two have different views on porn and sexuality, you need to realize that maybe he is not compatible for you. Because while you believe porn is "cheating" there are many who would not feel the same way..so its not so cut & dry as that. While sex is "intimate", I personally would not classify porn as cheating....it's a visual fantasy, not one in reality. Personally porn (as long as it is "normal" porn") is in my eyes not threatening to my relationship or who I am as a person - its something we can even enjoy together sometimes. However if my partner were ever to actually physically get involved with someone else, they would be out the door so fast. So if you do view this as cheating, maybe you need to realize that you can't change him...and let him go?

 

People sometimes have thoughts, it does not mean they are "cheating"...we are all attracted to what is pleasing to the eye, what is cute, what is attractive, what is arousing. It does not mean we would follow through on any of it...and you cannot control HIS thoughts either. Even if there was no porn to look at it, you cannot control him from still fantasizing...what if he masturbates without porn, but visualizes in his mind other bodies? Is that also cheating?

 

I think you two need to talk about this more, and see what you can agree on. And also be prepared to realize that perhaps you two are not right for one another if you are not sexually compatible or do not share the same views on sex/porn, it does not sound like he is "addicted" from what you have said, or he is purposely hurting you, but it does sound like a lot of this is also related to your own body image/health issues which I hope you are getting.

[Sugar-Rush]

Hey Girl,

 

I wanted to post a reply so you knew you had my support, but Raykay has said it all exactly right. I do understand your pain, but i'm sure he doesn't understand how much he's hurting you as generally speaking most people are okay with there partners looking at "Normal porn" he probably just pressumes you would be.

IMHO its far better for my man to see these girls in magazines and dvds than to actually go out and find one, which i'm sure he doesn't want to do.

Just out of interest why were you looking through he internet historys? were you trying to catch him out? if so maybe this is something you need to think about too.

My thoughts are with you

Love Sugar xxx

[Day_Walker]

I cannot believe how selfish he is in going and making me feel so inadaquit and sickened.Knowing he is lusting after these women in his mind is pushing me back over the edge with this sickness. It makes me feel so horrible inside and so sick to the stomach. It makes me feel so ugly.

 

When he masturbates to porn he is cheating on me. I support this fact by saying that love is an absolute togetherness of two people, in body as well as in mind. Its when you are connected to him on a completely higher level. So, i believe sleeping with other women in the mind is just as bad as "physically" sleeping with other women.

 

Well first of all you need to take responsibility for your own feelings and realize that he isnt making you feel this way. That would be like blaming him for your anorexia. You already have these feelings of inadequacy inside of you. His actions are not creating these feelings but they are provoking them, if they arent manifested in this way then they will be in another way. Porn is not the issue here, the actually issues are your feelings of insecurity and inadequacy and these you can change because they are your personal issues.

 

Look at your own definition of cheating it only shows the insecurity that you have within yourself. Learn to trust and learn that you dont have that kind of control over peoples actions. When you realize this you will be better off.

[Julie_Julie]

Thank you for your outlooks on the situation, you have given me self realisation and I feel alot better now that I have stopped panicing and taken time to think about it. You have also given me a boost in my confidence.

I have devised a plan which I think will really work...

 

I have decided that I dont want to change him, but I am going to try to give him what he wants. I am going to remind him that being in reality with me is priceless compared to being in fantasy with those other women!!!

 

Today I went to the adult shop and bought one of the costumes just like the ones that the girls were wearing on the internet pictures....this really skanky schoolgirl outfit! Even the knee high socks! I have to pick my boyfriend up tonight after he finishes work, so i will dress up before i go to pick him up and just wear my big shoulder to feet coat. When we get home he usually goes and lies in bed so when he does i will just take off my jacket right in front of him.

 

hehe I cant wait to see his jaw drop to the floor!!!!

 

The way i think we can work this out is by me actually becoming his fantasy.

Maybe this will encourage him to talk to me more if he wants to try something new!

 

What do you think of that idea??

[melrich]

Hi.

 

First I agree with all the advice the other posters gave you.

 

I also really applaud you for tackling the problem head on. I think your idea is a good one but I am not so sure about surprising him with it.

 

Some men look at porn and the fantasies it represents because it is just that....a fantasy. It may not be something they actually want to act out. This is a complex thing I am trying to explain here.

 

Google up "Madonna Complex" and read about it. I hope you will understand then what I am doing such a terrible job of trying to explain.

[Julie_Julie]

Yes, I understand what you are saying, but he has actually suggested to me before when we were going to a fancy dress party that I would look really hot in a school girl outfit.....

I thought he was just kidding at the time, but now I realise he was being serious!

[melrich]

Ok so if you know he would like it I think it is a great idea.

[MissPotBelly]

I don't think masturbating with porn is cheating. Love and fantasy are two different things, aren't they?

[BillyJean714]

I know how it feels. I used to have a problem with my bfs and porn when I was younger, but the older I got, the more I realized that "Hey, it's just dirty fantasy." I mean, really, what's so great about this trashy stuff?

 

I developed my own motto, and maybe you can use it too. "If you feel sexy and confident about your body, then why feel bad about these raunchy lookin porn freaks?" Develop an attitude about it. Don't let porn make you feel bad. Do little things that make you feel good about yourself, then porn won't bother you as much. In fact, if you feel classy, sexy, and sophisticated, then the girls on porn are nothing compared to what your man has- which is you.

 

But, you can draw the line somewhere. For me, I'm okay with my guy watching porn, but not okay if he's going to a strip join, and letting some girl press her cootchy in his face while jerking him off! In any case, shift the focus on you and not porn. By doing so, you won't feel bad about porn as much, and you'll develop a more positive self-image about yourself. Trust me, it works.