Almost back together...then it ended

[byates5637]

My story with my ex is kind of strange, i'll try to sum it up the best I can.

 

We dated for two years. I was the first real love of her life. She told me this and i felt this. She was wonderful to me, never cheated, was always there for me. However, during these two years i was commitment phobic. A few times i dumped her because I needed my space. I always realized within a few weeks after the break that i really loved her, and she would always take me back.

 

About four month ago i broke up with her. We spent 2 weeks apart and then i tried to get her back. We spent a few days back together and then she left for a 2 week trip with school. During this time when she was gone, i started to really fall for her for the first time. My commitment phobia was over and i fantasized about living with her and being together for a long time. To my surprise, when she came back from the trip, she didn't want to be with me anymore. I tried to get her back for 2 weeks and finnaly i couldn't take the pain anymore. I went on no contact for about 6 weeks. She would still call me and i would ignore her calls. She sent me a text message telling me how much she missed me. I called her to see if we could work it out, but she said she just missed me as a friend. Another two weeks of no contact went by after this.

 

I ran into her at a party at my friends house last week. We ended up talking and she came back to my house. We cuddled and kissed. I was so happy, i sent her flowers the next day. We spent several days together after this. I became the loving, thoughtful guy she always wanted me to be more like. She told me she was confused about what she wanted, but she said "in a few weeks i could see us starting a new relationship that lasted longer then our old relationship."

 

We eventually slept together. The next morning she drove me home and went to work. After she got off work she called me. She said "I dont want to be with you. It's not working" Since this happened we stayed in contact and even spent a night together just as friends. She tells me she could still see herself being with me in a couple years, just not right now.

 

I can't take the pain anymore. All i can think about all day is how much i love her and what we could of had together. I havn't talked to her in about 24 hours as of right now, and i think i have to go back on no contact for my own emotional well being. But i can't let go hope that we will get back together. So what is everyones opinion on what my ex is thinking? Should i do no contact, or do you think i can still save our relatinship? Any advice is much appreciated, as i feel very desperate and weak right now

 

And i should probbly mention that there is no other guy in her life. She had a drunken one nighter with a guy while we were separated, but they dont stay in contact and as far as i know she has no love interest.

 

Thanks for any advice in advance. This is a great message board

 

-brandon

[byates5637]

one more thing. Last week when i was spending time with my ex before she said she didn't want to be with me, I was very emotional. She saw me cry my eyes out for the first time ever (after knowing each other for 5 years and dating for 2) I think i came on very strong and was very pushy about getting back together, bringing it up very often. I also called her more then ever before, sometimes 6 or 7 times a day.

 

Do you think i just scared her away by being different then i ever was before, or do you think she really just isn't in love with me anymore (she still tells me she loves me, just as a friend). If i did just scare her by coming on to strong, what can i do to make up for it? Anything at all?

[BellaDonna]

To my surprise, when she came back from the trip, she didn't want to be with me anymore.

 

I think she still loves you but is too afraid to give you her heart again because you've broken up with her so many times before. She is probably tired of you being so uncertain, and tired of getting dumped/hurt. Even if you seem certain that you want to be with her now- I fear it may be too late.

 

I don't recommend calling her multiple times every day. It will just drive her further away and make her feel pressured. If you want to let her know how you feel write her one last letter and let her know you want to be with her, and that you hope she will come back to you so you can build a future together. Then begin No Contact. Do not call her anymore. There's no guarentee that she'll come back after the letter, but I think NC is the only way to find out.

 

In the meantime, try to work on yourself and get to the bottom of why you were so afriad of commitment- because that issue will negatively affect any relationship- whether it's with her or someone else.

 

BellaDonna

[byates5637]

Thanks for the quick reply. I think I will do the love letter thing. What do you think i should include in the letter? Should i tell her in the letter that I am going to begin no contact, or should i just let her figure it out. Should i apologize to her for the way things were before (i already have done this several times) or should i just tell her how i feel now? And anything else im forgetting.

More opinions and replies are still welcome because i'm still very confused

 

Thanks belladonna

 

-brandon

[Satin]

Byates....

 

Hi, I think you made the first right step coming to this forum.

My advice would be basically the same as the last poster....write her a sincere letter...stating what you want. It does NOT have to be sappy...but it DOES need to be sincere. Mail it...THEN do strict NC. If yu wish to reply if she contacts you, that is something you will need to decide. I would say

that you may have scared her off with your emotional displays before....considering your past. She may think you're not even sincere, after all the times you broke it off with her, etc..and may think you only wanted your way because you couldn;t have her anymore. Remember...YOU dumped her many times....that tends to numb peoples emotions and feelings.

Go back to being who you were when she fell in love with you. Were you a weepy crying mess??? Of course not! She loved you because you were strong ...and maybe even a little indifferent. Doing No Contact will help bring you back to your center...which is what you need in order to gain your confidence back.

Keep us posted!

[heloladies21]

Don't send any letter, just go back into No Contact. And stop apologizing for the way you were in the past. You two were in a long relationship full of positive memories and those are what she'll remember. No woman want some sappy weepy guy who they feel like they can control. You are a man and you need to act like a man. You let her know you're still interested and if she ever wants anything more, she'll have to let you know. And you can't make it too easy for her to come back into your life.

 

And don't even think about being her friend. If you do that, then you messed up!

[byates5637]

Well i wrote her the letter. I kept it short and to the point.

I told her i loved her and i told her that im going to stay away from her for a while. I told her to not call me to see how i'm doing. I told her to only call me if she trully missed me. I also told her to not worry about me, that i'm a strong person and would be better soon.

She called me before i finished writting it just to "see how i was doing." I told her to come pick up the letter and she did. When she came to pick up the letter she was with my friend matt. The two of them have been spending alot of time together lately and it is freaking me out. I don't think anything is going on with them right now, because i talked to matt's brother about it, but i still can't stop thinking about the two of them together. I want to call her so bad to ask her if anything is going on with them. Im leaving with matt on a fishing trip tomorrow and it is going to be on my mind the whole time. What should i do? I'm not going to call her because i'm starting no contact but i really dont want to go on this fishing trip with matt if he is messing around with my ex.

Thanks for all the help so far everyone. This forum is really helping give me the courage i need to cut her off.

[byates5637]

Well i talked to matt and he said nothing is going on with them. He told me he would never do that to me because he knows how much pain i'm in right now. thank god for that.

 

This no contact thing is killing me. It has only been about 2 days so far. I keep thinking that she is going to forget about me and any chance i might of had with winning her heart back is going to be destroyed by not talking to her. I'm just going to stick it out for now and see what happens. We both go to the same college, and classes start in two weeks. Chances are we are going to run into each other there. I don't even know how i want to handle that.

 

I feel like i break up with my ex again every morning. I dream about being with her all night. Then when i wake up i have to realize all over again that she is gone. Last night i had this dream that i was sleeping in my bed next to her with her arm around me. Then i realized i was dreaming and woke up to find her really in my bed next to me. But i was paralyzed. I could only feel her, i couldnt move to look at her. Then about 5 minutes later i really woke up, to find myself all alone again. Will these dream ever stop?

 

-brandon