A contradiction... "Friends first?"

[Hephaestus]

Ok, anyone can answer this, but I am particularly interested in hearing answers from the girls.

 

I've read a lot of posts about girls that want to be friends first before having a relationship with a guy. I've seen the phrase "it's better to be friends first" in a great number of posts. Usually this seems to be in reference to a guy that gets shot down by a girl that seems interested, but then says she wants to be friends.

 

The sad truth is that very few guys ever get out of the "friend zone" after that. When you try to ask her out after getting to know her, she'll almost always tell you she doesn't think of you like that.

 

Doesn't this seem like a cruel way of leading a guy on?

[patience]

I think that sometimes women say this when they want to take things slow. Actions speak louder than words though. If there is no sexual chemistry, you'll pick up on that (hopefully).

 

I agree that once you're in that 'zone' it is hard to get out of it.

 

If you like a woman, ask her out. Don't pretend to want to be friends when what you really want is to date her. You probably already have enough friends, right?

[toonsy]

Speaking for myself, I have always been friends with a guy before dating them (except for one time, and I got my heart broken).

 

I personally do not believe in "dating". I think it's a farse and a game. You meet, on best behaviour, and 3-6 months later you realize who each other really is and it's over. Why not just get to know each other casually with no strings attached and let things happen NATURALLY??

 

If a guy asks me out on a 'date' I always say NO! I make my boundaries clear from the get-go.

 

And case in point, the one incident where my heart was broken? We met and dated right off the bat. We fell in love. And then little things got in the way that I think having been friends first would have helped us deal wtih them without so much emotion involved. Now, we are apart yet still love each other. He is with someone new, and NOW we are going to try to work at a friendship. maybe we will find ourselves together again someday, maybe not.

 

Friends make the best partners!!

[Hephaestus]

I can't say the chemistry thing is always true. I've had chemistry with women friends that said they weren't interested and had no chemistry with women friends that were interested.

 

I've also had a woman tell me once I was like a big brother to her, only to tell me a few months later that she has feelings for me. This is also one of the women I had no chemistry with.

[patience]

I meant mutual chemistry...when both people are feeling the vibe, it's obvious. After a few dates, you'll know if there is a connection or not worth exploring.

[Markers]

 

If a guy asks me out on a 'date' I always say NO! I make my boundaries clear from the get-go.

 

well yeah, that's why nobody should say "wanna go to date with me" when asking out. Instead ask: "I'm going to play minigold on saturday, want to come along?" Then you're "asking her out" but not for "a date". It seems more than a friendly get-together, but it definitely could be a friendly get-together.. and you must be in "friendly terms" with her before you can do that.. but not "friends" if you get my point

 

so asking them out that way before you go to friends zone is one good way, I think.

[Miss M]

The sad truth is that very few guys ever get out of the "friend zone" after that. When you try to ask her out after getting to know her, she'll almost always tell you she doesn't think of you like that.

 

Doesn't this seem like a cruel way of leading a guy on?

When I read this it seems you're saying a woman who says "friends first" before romance, is then obligated to take it to another level after a certain time. Sometimes being friends first, helps a woman realize she doesn't like a guy in the romantic sense. Being friends first doesn't mean she's going to automatically develop romantic feelings just because the guy feels that way. It just means she needs some interaction with the guy before she can decide about dating him. And after that interaction, her answer just might be "no." But that doesn't mean she was trying to lead him on. Maybe she just needed more info, more time to make a decision.

[Day_Walker]

I think the whole friends first method is fairly common with a certain type. It seems to me that if you arent interested in the person for more than a friendship or you just dont know much about the person then being friends seems like a viable solution.

 

Personally I would be cautious if a person says that they want to be friends first. I think it says something about them and/or the situation they are in.

[confusedgrl23]

I am currently in a situation where I am really good friends with this guy but I KNOW that he has a crush on me and wants to be more. He has asked me before regarding this and I simply told him that "I want to be friends first and THEN we'll see".

Im not interested in a serious relationship nor am I looking for one. I need a good friend, someone I can open up to and then maybe one day when that moment strikes we'll know if we want to b more then just friends. Im not leading him on, or "feeling him out" Im just not interested in a relationship. Not sure if thats how most girls think but it is how I do

[Miss M]

I am currently in a situation where I am really good friends with this guy but I KNOW that he has a crush on me and wants to be more. He has asked me before regarding this and I simply told him that "I want to be friends first and THEN we'll see".

Im not interested in a serious relationship nor am I looking for one. I need a good friend, someone I can open up to and then maybe one day when that moment strikes we'll know if we want to b more then just friends. Im not leading him on, or "feeling him out" Im just not interested in a relationship. Not sure if thats how most girls think but it is how I do

I can understand how saying "THEN we'll see" means you're not interested in a relationship, but I can also see how telling that to a guy who has a crush on you will be interpreted as something much more hopeful. It's probably much more to the point (i.e. unambiguous) to tell him you're just not interested in a relationship. Saying "we'll see" to someone who has a crush on you seems confusing.

[patience]

I would feel led on by such statements.

Either you are romantically attracted to him or you are not.