Why do I still want her back?

[Bounder]

Its been almost a month since she dumped me (see my post on should I have seen this coming for details). After all that happened, my own mistakes, and now the way she dumped me (over the phone while I was away, met someone else and didnt tell me, had slept with someone the last time we broke up and lied to me about it when we got back together) I should just be able to say screw you and walk away. How come I can't?

 

I have moments of feeling like I am getting there, the anger is so strong, but then I realzie that she is not pefect, no one is, so I could probably fins it in myself to forgive, if I knew what was wrong, or what I did to make her lose faith in us as soon as I left for a couple of weeks. Why didnt she talk to me about? Did she try and I didnt notice?

 

I am giving back the last of her stuff tomorrow....we are in a sort of mutual NC after talking a fair bit after the break up, she said it makes it too hard for her to move on, tired of feeling huilty over me, like a [deleted by mod for profanity] and of hearing me get angry at what she did. For myself, I kept pushing her to tell me why and she would say some really huirtful, petty things like I didnt hold her hand the right way, or didnt take charge enough, or was flexible enough in my plans for the future, or (get this) wasnt commited to get married (this after she left me just 3 months earlier to figure things out). I didnt want to feel like I was cnstantly trying to change for her, so I said I needed some time away from even talking to her to get my strength and self-respect back.

 

Last night she messages me saying she was away for a few days and was ready to get the last of her stuff. I said I wanted to drop it off when she wouldnt be home, so I will do it tomorrow. I asked how her trip up northj was and she said her grandma was in the hospital, thats why she went. I felt terrible, I had met her last year during a trip wit her and she was a wonderful woman and I knew my ex loved her dearly. I wanted to call her, say its ok, go over and give her a hug, but then i remembered she didnt want that from me anymore....

 

I tried changing topics, but all I could ask was "Do you resent me? Because I feel like you resent the way I have been handling this, and I am doing the best I can not to bother you and to think of myself, but I miss you."

 

She said she actually admired me this time, that I was doing good (I feel she was stroking me there) and that it was hard for her not to talk to me too, but this is what we needed right now. I felt like saying speak for yourself, I need to know you're ok and to show you much I love you! I didnt though.

 

How do I get rid of these urges, this hope, even though there should be none? I feel like if I give up hope, I give up everything that was us. Argh!

[LostInTranslation]

Bounder,

 

I am feeling what you are feeling too, but we must stay strong. You said it yourself that you needed some time away from even talking to her to get your strength and self-respect back. This is such an important move that we underestimate the power of NC. Every time I think of calling my ex, I seriously ask myself, "Would things really be okay if we got back together right now?" The answer is always "NO." Just continue to get better emotionally. Fight your urges as strong as they may be.

 

My girlfriend has been seeing someone else for the last couple of weeks. Although it kills me inside, I just remember the abuse I endured for nine months to show her I loved her and I come to my senses.

 

The more we try to convince them to see things our way, the more they resent us. If you see or talk to her when returning her stuff, be cheerful and detached. She will see this as a sign of strength. I believe she really meant it when you said she admired you because you displayed strength when you said, "I am doing the best I can not to bother you and to think of myself, but I miss you." It's caring, yet detached.

 

I will have a rough time tonight considering my ex will be on another date, but I know I will not interfere and allow her to realize she lost the best thing to ever happen to her on her own. I suggest you do the same.

[SeaDogg]

Man Bounder, I feel like i'm exactly the same boat, the petty things in a relationship end up being made into something more than what they should be. I was also very close to my ex's family, I had spent a lot of time with her mom, grandmas, grandpas, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers and sisters... I was so happy that I was able to spend time with them, and that's one of the things that hurts most right now for me, is NOT being able to spend time with such GREAT people that thought their daughter, neise, sister, whatever was going to marry me...

 

The way I see it, is if I love her the way I always told her and still do to this day, then I just have to accept the fact and RESPECT the one I care about, even if there is a 0% chance of never getting back together, just have to think that maybe one day she will also realize that she misses me as much as I miss her and want to atleast chat about things... but then again, just go about life not expecting anything, do what you want, eat what you want, enjoy doing whatever it is you like to do, and bottom line GET OUT AND ENJOY LIFE, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!... I myself have been thinking about my ex a bunch lately, which is weird because I thought I was over it, after 3 months of NC, now all of the sudden i'm thinkin' about it again, but I just go out and keep myself busy, have been in the best shape of my life, been eating great, and having fun with my friends i've met since moving 3 months ago.

 

Also, your post in itself is a way to keep up the fire, and deal with things, better to put it on here then cause drama elsewhere!

 

Have a great day bud.

[SeaDogg]

Bounder,

I will have a rough time tonight considering my ex will be on another date, but I know I will not interfere and allow her to realize she lost the best thing to ever happen to her on her own. I suggest you do the same.

 

My ex has tried starting something with 3 other guys in the past 4 months, and it never kindled into anything, why? Probably because 1. She's still not over me, and 2. She knows that I was the best thing that ever happened to her like you mentioned with your ex... only know this from talking to one of our joint friends, who she thinks I never contacted because I was supposedly some big anti-social guy all the time... boy was she wrong.

 

Keep the posts coming, for me, it's great to put it on here once a day or even a few times just 'cause it makes the time roll by and it's better than pissin' anyone off that doesn't want to be bothered

[Bounder]

Thaks both of you for you great boosts. Its hard not to internalize those petty things she blamed for me not being the one for her, to carry them with me (I am tempted to really squeeze someones hand just to test my grip now).

 

I know she could make a list of things like that that probably did factor in on her decision. But I could make a list of things like that too,,,,it didnt make me decide to do what she did. Again though, I cant blame her....it takes two....I need to understand that. It wasnt just me, but its not all her either, but rght now it feels like a lot of my pain is her fault.

 

I miss her nieces and nephews, and I know two of them will be upset to hear that I wont be ocming aroun danymore. Not that that matters, I wasnt dtaing THEM right? Lots of people have nice families. Hers was kind of messed up (and in fact a psychologist would have a field day with her family tree) but I loved it because of that.

 

I read other people'sosts about worrying about their ex forgetting them. i dont think she will forget me, but maybe she'll forget how good I made her feel (I know I did sometimes, otherwise why stay for 3 years).

 

When does it end...3 months a year, I wish I knew so I could push towads it

[LostInTranslation]

Bounder,

 

Trust me, you will be fine. You can't put a time limit on love or on healing from it. It may takes months, even years.

 

I had a five-year relationship that I totally messed up two years ago. I thought of her everyday when she left. But more and more time passed and before I even realized it, I was over her.

 

That breakup helped me to learn what not to do. So in my current breakup, I am backing off immediately. I want her back more than anything right now and I am dying inside, but I know I will heal one day and hopefully find love with someone who will reciprocate it back.

 

Your story is pretty hurtful and I wish you the best, but you have to help yourself now. It's fine to miss her family and even miss her, but if she felt as you do, she'd be begging you for your forgiveness right now. Stay strong.

[gradle]

oh bounder,

i'm so sorry to hear tht you're having a rough time. you seem so sweet and sincere and i can't believe she would do those things...

i, personally, think you are doing awesome! it takes a lot of time to get over someone, and i'm tending to lean towards waht lost has been saying...

"The more we try to convince them to see things our way, the more they resent us. If you see or talk to her when returning her stuff, be cheerful and detached. She will see this as a sign of strength. I believe she really meant it when you said she admired you because you displayed strength when you said, "I am doing the best I can not to bother you and to think of myself, but I miss you." It's caring, yet detached. "

i think you are doing great keep it up, go out and have some fun, and you seem so sweet, even telling the make out girl the truth, i'm sure she really respects you for that...

keep us posted, k?

[Bounder]

Thanks Gradle,

 

Maybe I am sweet and sincere, but I know that when she thinks of me, she doesnt see that anymore, and that sucks. A lot of it may be my fault (two years ago, maybe being insensitive during the break up) but I know I am an okay guy, its just sad she doesnt see it anymore

[heloladies21]

Well friend, after all she's put you through all I can say is to do strict No Contact and stick with it. Give all her stuff back, never call her again, and don't pick up if she calls. Then you can start to heal up for real. Stay busy and talk to other chicks.

[blueyes25]

Hi Bounder!

 

Just wanted to let you know that I struggled with hope as well - what I learned is that you cannot force yourself to give up hope - as you cannot force yourself to feel differently. It is all part of the healing process.

 

I still haven't given' up complete hope - however, my hopes have changed as time passes...my hope is not so much about us getting back together today or tomorrow - but more that hopefully one day we will talk again - and we will both be healed. That may never happen, but it is still in my heart. I am not so sure hope completely dies out if you truly love someone. I only say this b/c everyone says if you truly love - that the love won't ever go away - it will always be a piece of you - I believe this is where hope lies as well. However, all of this is simply my opinion based on my own experience with these emotions.

 

As old as it sounds - you just have to give it time! Yours is still very new - the heartbreak is fresh - youhave to give it some more time and don't try to force your way through your feelings - you will only make it harder on yourself. Trust that your body and mind know how to heal - take it onme day at a time...

 

and remember that you are not alone - we are here for you to!!

 

Blue

[Bounder]

I am so tempted to write her and say that i still have hope for us...buthat would make me look incredible weak wouldnt it....and I would not be happy....I dont want to be a doormat in this, but its hard to shut the door

[brando]

Then don't shut the door, just stop gawking at it... their are other doors as well. not necessarily a new relationship, but their are plenty of other doors, maybe now is a great time to start opening up some of those other doors...

 

I feel your pain, but you need to focus on other things...the sooner the better...

 

be well,

Brandp

[Bounder]

But leaving that door open limits my ability to expore other doors doesnt it (oh my this getting abstract)...will I always be thinking that I am just biding my time until the she changed her mind if I leave it open?

[blueyes25]

From my own experience - the answer to your question is "no" - this is because your feelings will begin to change - it is a natural progression. I do not mean that you won't love her or anything like that, but you will slowly begin to see things differently. This has already begun happening to me.

 

About those other doors, they will start to open if you refocus your attention - this will start to happen automatically - you don't have to open these other doors - the Universe will do that for you. It is up to you what you do with them once they open....

[brando]

no... jst by learning to live without her is important. Going out and having fun..date other woman..no relationship has to be all or nothing.. it is about learning of yorself.. talk to other girls become friends with some date others..do the things you want to do.. whatever it is.

 

Chances are your not ready for a new reltionship anyway, in fact your not even ready if your ex had second thoughts about the two of you. This is why it is important to go out...and build up that self confidence again.

 

Leaving the door open and not persuing her is the one way you can go for now...as you grow more and find yourself more..the door ma still be open, but you may find you arent bothered by it any longer.

 

I am no expeet on relationships but who says the door needs to be shut?? It will always be theri your just not knocking on it anymore...so you find another door to knock on several more..friends adentures whatever it is you want to do.

[saltwatergirl]

Bounder,

Ijust want to say that I think you are doing fine, it is normal I think to have these fears about never being able to shut the door.

 

You have a very rationale approach to this, and just the fact that you are contemplating all these things shows that you aren't drowning in the sea of misery quite as much now. You are very aware of your own thoughts and that is a good sign. Youre thinking of yourself now! What a great step!

 

Get the stuff back and then go on your way. I agree with the others that you'll slowly start to move on and not even realize you're doing it.

Good luck, keep walkin on...

Salt

[innbranna]

When I'm in this situation, I always try to see the thing from the outside. I know that what I long for the most is his love. Well, I won't get that. Then what's most important? To at least earn his respect and/or admiration.

 

I often find that I'm thinking of myself as a book character, and I want to be the enigmatic but generous character that everybody admires. It sounds sligtly stupid and unrealistic, but in this kind of situation I'm filled with huge emotions, and I need to create a story for myself that's grand enough to fit those emotions. I feel that by detaching myself from him, not nagging him by my presense and begging for love that he can't give, I'm also honouring the love I feel for him. Then, later on, when it's all over, I can take rest in the fact that I have nothing to regret. That's a very good feeling.

[Bounder]

Oh man, this is so hard. I wake up this morning to get ready to go drop off her stuff and herss MSN statsus says "Hung over at work, I am getting too old for this!" and I felt like I was going to explode. Means she was out partying, probably doing crazy stuff, with god knows who, maybe even doing E (she told me when we broke up that was somthing she wanted to try while she was still young, and wanted to be single when she did it) and who knows where she slept are with whom. I know she probably went home, likley with the new boy toy, but that could be even worse,....she is at her kinkiest when she s been drinking, I know! I cant stop thinking about this stuff. I should take her off my msn, but she wants to keep the lines open.

 

Why is this so hard? Why do I just wannna say FU and keep her stuff?

[brando]

Your angry, part of the process. Feel those feelings just dont act out on them. The best thing to do is just be nice. Not for her, but for yourself.

 

Kill her with kindness. She doesnt need to see you hurting... in a way they get satisfaction from this, they see this and justify their reasons for leaving.

 

When you see her say hello, be kind, keep it short and sweet and say goodbye. Have someplace to go...no need to stand around and talk if you are highly emotional. It will do nothing for you self steem and confidence.

[Bounder]

Well, this is turning into more of a blog for me than anything, but I guess it still helps. I was able to go drop off the last of her stuff this morning, she wasnt home so there was no contact. I left her a cheque because she had shipped my bike for me while I was away, and I left more on it to ocver her long distance bills for the few talks we had after the break up witha little note saying why I left money and that I was praying for her grandma, signed Love, me. I got my stuff, some of it I didnt want so left it behind.

 

She left me a note, I waited until I got home to read it. Here are some pieces of it "I just wanted to let you know that you're amazing. I didn't appreciate it, and I didnt see it after the break up, seeing things I didnt like instead - I think its something I had to to do to begin the process of getting over you. Now though, I see how amazing you are, how you were great with me, so patient, so present, so encouraging, so funny, so loving....

 

You will make some woman sooo hapyy one day (soon I hope)...Too bad it wasn't me, my loss for not being able to appreciate everything you give and all that you have to offer. I cherish all the times we've spent together (and remember them often since everything here reminds me of you or things we did).

 

I hope to be firends some day....this will be for you to decide.

 

In the meantime, take care, and take chaces, they're well worth it, even if they dont work out (though you already know that, having taken a leap of faith with me more than once)

 

I will ALWAYS love you!

X

 

Part of me wants to feel that this might just be to make herself feel better, but I know she means a lot of what she wrote. It's so sad, if she sees how amazing I am, how come she deosnt want to be with me anymore, how can she have left me to fall into a chasm after taking another leap with her a few months ago? God this is hard!

[brando]

i once read it does not matter how you feel it is all about how she feels.

 

And that is what it all boils down to.

[Bounder]

I dont understand what you mean Brando

[brando]

If your ex feels she doesnt love you anymore, then it doesnt matter that yo do. By telling her you love her especially when she doesnt she does not want to hear it or acknowledge it. I guess their is the guilt the dumper may be feeling. So regardless of how strongly you feel you love her, she doesnt love you in the same way, and thereforeeee it does not matter.

[C.C.]

Hi Bounder,

 

I am sorry for your pain.

 

When we broke up, my ex-bf told me that he loved me so much and that there are some very special qualities about me which he will never find in anynoe. He also said that when I find some one someday, that man will be a very happy one. He wanted to be friends and that I will always be a part of his life.... He told me to call, e-mail, IM him when ever or what ever I want to. Still, these did not change how he felt about his decision of breaking up with me.

 

Those words didn't comfort me at all, they only confused me and gave me false hope over and over. I want to believe that he meant what he said, and I have also realized that I do have a choice to be who I want to be. I, too, wonder from time to time if he thinks that I am that special why wouldn't he give us another chance. But the more I think about it, the sadder I become.

 

Bounder, we do have a chioce to be who we want to be and how we want to feel. The exs are not responsible for that. When I started to stop contacting him, I started to slowly find myself back. He made his decision to give up the relationship, I make my choice to refuse to feel like a victim. I still think of him everyday all the time, but doing the stric n/c allows me to think rationally, and most importantly you will once again get a sense of self control.

 

Hope this helps, and you feel better today.

 

C.C.

[Bounder]

One month today. I was planning on going to the archives to work on my thesis, but I feel paralyzed. I keep thinking of her, wondering where she slept, how is she doing, if she is getting things in her life figured out better now that i am not there. I hate feeling like I dragged her down, or that she felt I did. I hate feeling that she sees how great I am, and yet i wasnt great enough....even though i loved her for everything, good and bad. I want someone to hold, to want me, to just be there.......how do I get the wheels turning again?