Suggestions wanted on how to get girlfriend back

[mtzwa]

My girlfriend and I have been going out for about two years now. We are/were exteremely close. We both went to the same schools, grew together, and even our families know each other.

 

Our first year of dating was pure heaven. Everything went right. We never fought or anything. We even were talking about marriage after 8 months of dating.

 

While we were dating, she would write me cards and say things like "I want to be with you forever" or "no matter what guy comes up to me even if they're better looking, richer, etc... it wouldn't matter because it's not you". She would say these things that , what i thought, you can't take back.

 

Fast forward to about two years after we initially started dating. I took a job which requires some what of an amount of domestic travel. She's now in her last year of college. Additionally sometimes my job requires me to work long hours. Anyway, the stress from my job and the stress from depression (seasonal depression) really got to me around Novemeber and December of 2002.

 

She ended up wanting a break. The problem is, I was so stubborn at the time and didn't give her the break. I kept calling her. Made her cookies. Tried randomly visiting her......all for fear of losing her. Fast forward another 5 months and now we're completely separated.

 

It really hurts me that we are not together and what's worse, it hurts me when I see her out in the bars/clubs out with other guys and her friends having fun. I don't know if I can ever get her back, i just want to know what you all think.

 

The past month, I wanted to give her the break that she wanted. I made a promise not to call her until classes were over. When I finally called, it seemed as if she didn't care - almost like "why are you calling". We had dinner the next day and I asked what she was feeling and she had no response. She still says "I don't want to have a relationship with ANYONE, if I wanted to have a boyfriend I know I would want to be with you".

 

Anyway, she is going to Vegas for fun this weekend. I know not to call her... but I am tempted on calling her after she gets back. She is also going to Hawaii with family late July/early August and then right afterwards San Diego for work.

 

How should I approach this? How can I make her want to go out with me again? I really miss her.

[Tat2DGurly]

It sounds to me that maybe you two just grew apart. Usually if someone wants a break its because they want to move on away from the relationship. Maybe going off to college and growing has made her think about her life and where she really wants to be and that may not be with you. Honestly you sound like a nice guy I would give her the space move on and have a good time in your life as well. Don't call her and see what comes of it she may just find out that she really missed you and wants you back but for hell's sake don't put your life on hold because some girl can't make up her mind about whether or not she wants to be with you. Have fun and live it up, if it's not her it will be with someone else. ~Tat

[mmackenna]

it really should be her decision to get back together with you. As hard of blow as that is. Sorry anyway, i'm going to tell you something that my father always told me not married are ya" It has some truth. It sounds like your life is completely centered around work and her. When do you get to have fun? If you go to clubs, have a good time. Maybe she'll be there and you can help her to remember what a good person you are and why you guys were together in the first place.

[mtzwa]

I was thinking about calling her a couple days after she got back from vegas just to see how she is and how it went. I also plan to tell her what new stuff I have been doing to show her I am strong.

 

I am a very persistent person and she knows that. If that doesn't help, I am thinking of writing a letter basically telling her how she makes me feel and asking her to make a decision. Even if we take it really really slow, that's okay. I just want to be with her.

 

What do you all think?

[S4il]

let me start of by saying WOW...umm this post might be a little long but I'll try my best to give you as much information about how to WIN her back, since i was in the same situation here not too long ago.

 

ok, lets start off by saying this girl i assume is a really important or crucial part of you're life, growing up with her, and even making her cookies. etc...it's obvious you still love her. and cant seem to let her go. she told you alot of things that made you initially believe you were SET for life with her. all those comments she told you about never wanting too date other guys despite there wealth. or looks. i think that was her way of telling you how she felt about you at the time, And proudly has no regrets saying it. but after you said you do alot of domestic travel at your job, i think thats where the problem started, she felt apart from you, NO TIME...to do anything, not enough love/connection when 2 people either travel, or don't see each other much.. which is one of the most elements in a healthy relationship. you too being so CLOSE for 2 years, and then all of a sudden your not around as much, cause of your job. cause of your depression, she picked up on those emotions, the Constant thought that you weren't going to be around. made her DECIDE she needed a break, kind of what you were doing to her. BREAKING off (blame partiality your job for that) i know it hurts to think about, Or to see her in clubs talking, meeting new guys, going out with friends. etc... i felt the same way when this exact same problem happened to me. I felt almost Betrayed, Used, Thinking to myself "how can she have fun without me being present" But listen to me when i tell you this.

 

If she wants another relationship she told you that you would be the one.

 

-sounds to me like she still needs time, to think things over. ask yourself this.....If i get back with her, are things going to be different, does your job still require alot of domestic travel.? thats what shes looking at, she doesn't want a repeat of what happened first time around. you see my point.

 

But to win her back, i guess it would be safe to say....ahh TIME can only tell, when i had this happen to me, it was because of me having no car to go see her. and it SUCKED.. i still think about the time me and that girl spent together, and cant forget those good times. Or forget her.. i resent saw her again, but to my depression she was at a club with another guy. it HURT inside. cause those feeling were still there, but TRUE loved overcame those feelings. I approached her after her boyfriend wasn't around i told her this..."i see your happy, thats whats important"

She sat there, looked into my eyes while a soft tear streamed down her face, her make-up slowly washing away forming a black line, "you still have your charm, your such a flawless person. Sail I'll always think about you, no matter who I'm with." i then said "I'll never forget you either, no matter who I'm with." hugged me gave me a kiss. and held me tight.

 

With what i just told you. Think about this, instead of TRYING to get her back, TRY letting her go. As long as Shes happy, you should be happy...i reefer to it as universal Love. So no more cookies, no More calls, Let her decide, When she is ready. or when you least expect it...you might run into her again. or she might call. and want to commence a Trust/Love/Friendship then leading into another relationship. hopefully a healthy one where you 2 can spend more time. as ONE.

[mtzwa]

thanks for the suggestions, they're greatly appreciated. But I just don't want to grow apart from her. It's already saddening that we went for a month of ZERO contact. I made the contact to her... man i don't know what to do. I just want to call her when she gets back to see how she's doing. Is that okay?

[S4il]

huh' i leave this one up too the experts to comment on.

 

 

 

8) your welcome.

[mtzwa]

what do you mean experts? I don't get it? I'm assuming they're going to say don't call... but i really want to . I just want to make sure she doesn't forget that I'm here and that I really want to be with her.

[S4il]

DUDE, your fine....she knows about you. you have been in a relationship for 2 years, YOU made her cookies. she acknowledges your around, and that your still pursuant in trying to get her back, just don't OVER kill the Situation too where she Dislikes you "if its not to late" no call BAD BAD BAD i would let it stay Stagnant for a while. Let her think. about what SHE wants. don't be obsessive in your thoughts, or you trying to constantly contact her. your FINE the way you are, just keep it that way. maybe she will wonder why you haven't called. and then in turn CALL you. then go from there, and if she doesn't call. Well then maybe she has moved on. and you should too. don't keep thinking "oh if i don't call her then shes not going to think i like her" thats being pessimistic. Be optimistic. think GOOD but NOT too good......ya' know what i mean.

[mtzwa]

the problem is that we went a MONTH of ZERO contact, nothing. it seems like she has forgot about me. what if i just call her to see how she's doing, no talk about relationship?

[reinvented21]

Hello Mtzwa,

I'm so sorry to hear about youre situation. I can really feel the pain that you must be in for such a tremendous loss. I've been there before and its gut wrenching. Here's what i want you to do. I want you to feel the pain. Feel the pain, acknowledge it and let it go. Pain teaches us that we are vulnerable. That is the first step to recovering and putting a smile back on youre face. Second i think the best thing for you to do is continuing "no contact" with youre ex girlfriend. "No contact" is great for several reasons. First of all, she isnt making a great effort to contact you....so why should you do all the work( calling, making cookies, etc.) Third always remember the distancer/persuer theory. Think of relationships in terms of a human chasing a cat. What happens when you chase a cat?? It runs. If you stop chasing a cat, it stops running, and maybe if youre lucky it will come back to you. In every relationship there is a distancer and a pursuer. Right now, you appear to be doing all the chasing, while she is running further and further away. Not good. Women do not like "needy" guys. Let her go, without expecting a certain amount of time for her to come back. She chose to leave. You two were together for a long time. If she loves you enough and regrets her decision enough, then she will be back. Remember, its impossible to miss someone who is always in our presense. Another reason for "no contact" is that it creates a sense of mystery around you. If you give youre girlfriend all the time and space she needs she "may" very well wonder what youre doing? Wouldnt that be great!

I think another idea would be to give youreself a break! Remember youre girlfriend fell in love with you because you are strong and confident! Even though it may be hard, you need to show her how strong and confident you are without her. I suggest you go out with youre friends. If you neglected friendships in the relationship, now is youre chance to work on them. If you lost youre hobbies in the relationship, work on those. Go to the gym and workout, if you already dont. Do volunteer work. Its great for youre self esteem. It teaches you that you are important and that others need you! Read more. Learn more. Do an internal audit on youreself. Think about youre role in the relationship and reinvent youreself. The great news is that if youre girlfriend comes back to you two months or even two years from now, you will be a new man. Heck, you may not even want her anymore. And if she doesnt come back, well its her loss. You will come out stronger in the mind and in the heart. You will come out wiser than ever before. I dont think anyone can tell you how to win her back, we can only tell you how to win youreself back.

 

Create a good night!!!!

[Tat2DGurly]

If you want my honest opinion and I know this will probably offend you but it sounds like you are being very obsessive. She may be getting a good thrill out of you falling all over her too. I use to date this guy that was just like you and it really boosts your self esteem to know someone wants you so bad but you know you have no intention of getting with them. Think about yourself in this situation, you were fine without her before you new her why wouldn't you be fine now? Be real with yourself DON'T call her. It's like the VERY old saying goes "if you love someone let them go, if they come back to you then you know it was truly meant to be but if they don't then it just wasn't meant to be" however, only you can make your decisions, and you are the only one in control of you life and you need to remember that. Good luck ~Tat

[mtzwa]

Thanks for the replies all. The thing is, I just don't want too much time to pass to let us drift apart.

 

I'm thinking that I should write a letter stating my whole emotions and everything to her... if she takes it, good. if not, then i guess it wasn't meant to be... but I have to try. I feel like if I don't give it my best shot then I'm still hanging on to strands of hope.

[mtzwa]

what do you all think about the letter? I think it's kind of like a hail Mary pass.. i'm going to give it all I got and see if she takes me back.

[Tat2DGurly]

I think you should do whatever you feel is right in your heart. Maybe you should sit down and write out all of the pro's and con's of what you want to do. I just hate to see people set themselves up for a fall and it seems like she doesn't want what you want. I'm just gathering this from what you wrote the first time. I know how it feels to want someone so bad but they don't want you. In another post I wrote about a guy I dated whom I totally fell in love with, he was in the military and was being shipped off to another country. I told him I wouldn't wait for him and I instantly regreted it. I often wrote him and talked with him on the phone begging him to give me another chance but he wouldn't. I thought I would never feel that way about anyone ever again, but when I least expected it I met my now husband and I'm head over heels for him. I guess the point to this is, if you feel you need to exhaust all of your options take that chance, but be prepared for any answer that she is going to give you even if it is rejection. Another word of advice if she does reject you, move on and when you least expect it your dream girl will walk into your life and sweep you off of your feet. Good luck

[mtzwa]

Thanks for the advice again.

 

I really want to write the letter... I'm still torn on whether or not I"ll actually give it to her and "ask for one more chance".

 

My only fear is finding a "quality" woman. I really don't want some "club tramp" or some hooch. I want a good girl that has morals and good values. And, I want someone that matches my personality and is fun. Ahh.... i guess I'll just wait it out for a bit.

 

Thanks again all.