Still have a wish......but moving on. Opinions?

[toonsy]

Well, a couple of weeks ago I posted my breakup story. In a nutshell we dated for about 6 months and we fell passionately in love. We talked about marraige, children.....everything. He never thought he'd ever feel this way and I never thought something like this could be possible! But it also scared him, he was vulnerable and scared I might hurt him one day. He pushed me away at times (testing me) and he also had a lot of stress going on in his life. We argued about every 3 weeks. He broke up stating: "I love you so much, I still see us together in the future, but I have to chose between loving you and arguing with you. Right now with all i have that is overwhelming me the arguments we get into are something I cannot take due to stress."

 

Well, we did break up but agreed that we would like to work on a friendship (something we didnt have since we jumped in to the relationship so fast), see other people, and see what happens over time.

 

I had contacted someone else but it made me too sad to be around anyone else. I am just not ready. i sensed however that he might have started seeing someone recently because of how 'different' he was acting....standoffish, withdrawn, not initiating any contact, etc.

 

I wrote him a letter telling everything i needed to say. I love him, and i dont want anyone else. That even though I contact another and even met them all I could think of was him. I still recognize we have things to work through but that could happen over time. I didnt run, havent run and i still want him in my life. I told him it's likely he's seeing someone new and that i wish him happiness if he finds it, and if he finds the love we had with another then i am happy for him. I told him I still hoped we could work on being friends over time if he still wanted that too.

 

He sent me an email reply to my letter yesterday:

I've been trying to think of a way to respond to your letter but haven't really been able to come up with anything. At this point, I'm confused I guess. On the one hand I still do have feelings for you (can't really turn things like that off) but on the other hand we argue so much and communicate so differently. I will say that, yes, I am seeing someone else and the biggest difference is that she and I don't argue. This isn't to say that arguing isn't a bad thing but rather that the amount of time spent arguing is what's important. While you and I have fun together, we simply argue too much and that stress level for me is something that I can't have. You know, between my class and work, my time (as is yours) is extremely valuable and I just can't have it spent that way.

 

I did enjoy seeing you the other day, you look great and cute in your summer outfit Again, thank you for the letter and sharing your feelings - I realize that you put yourself out there and how hard that must have been...I respect that. I am open to developing a friendship - I think that's what you and I missed - and who knows, anything can happen.

 

We emailed back and forth a bit, and I said i'd like to work on the friendship too but would not want to interfere with his relationship. He said he's been completely honest with her and it wont be a problem.

 

Now, they've only be going out 2-3 weeks.....OF COURSE THEY HAVENT ARGUED!!! But also, when you have the amount of passion he and i did, you have far more emotions involved, both up and down.

 

This does hurt, it's hard to deal with.

 

But, I feel he hasnt shut the door. Could be a rebound, could be someone to fill the time he would have been with me.....who knows. I am certainly not putting my life on hold or even holding out that we will be together again someday but it's in my heart, yes. Being with him is what I want.

 

What is anyone's opinion here, about his note to me, about how to go forward?? I must say, he's not a 'typical guy'....he DOES want to stay in contact. It is important to him he has said, and he also told me once he talks to the girl he is seeing a bit more about things he will be initiating more contact with me. In fact, this is what he said:

You are not going to affect my relationship with her. She's cool that way. I'm honest with her (and have told her about you)

I would definitely like to get to a point where we can have dinner and drinks.

I'll make contact but after I speak with her about things.

Thanks for understanding.

 

Please, anyone, give some feedback please. i am a smart girl, intelligent, self reliant......not going to call him or text or anything. I am going to leave the ball in his court with the contact for a while. I take care of myslef and I am not 'depressed'. i am heartbroken, yes.

 

??

[Satin]

Hi Toonsy,

 

It sounds like you are handling things with class and dignity. I would just let him come back , when he's ready. He already stated he had intentions to do so. I think for him to say he and the other girl don't argue

"as much" was a little insensitive. It was as if he is comparing you to her..and that's unfair, especially if he HAS only been dating her a few weeks. I am sure you and he didn't argue the first few weeks either!!

Keep plans with other guys, even if they are just casual. Get yourself "out there" and have some fun. While I know it hurts..you only dated this guy about six months, right? Six months is right about the time that "lust" faze wears off.

As for being "friends"...this is tricky with someone you were so emotional about. It could work..but you have to REALLY be his FRIEND...and sometimes it's hard to go from so much passion to just friendship. Can you REALLY do that and be ok?

I truly hope things work out for you...

[toonsy]

Thank you.

Actually, he said "the biggest difference is that they DONT argue" but yes, it's only been 2 or 3 weeks. No, we didnt argue at that point either.

 

Yes we only dated 6 months but it was an amazing whirl-wind. It was very unusual for us both. We talked about marraige and future plans. The lust didnt seem to fade at all in fact. It was one last argument that sinched it and made him leave. We were as passionate as ever. I guess every 'next' argument felt worse to him "here's another one" kind of thing.

 

I do have hope, but am moving on the best I can.

 

You know what i hate the most? The feeling that they learned from their mistakes while with you, and then will do it differently with someone else! I mean, he realized with me that his schedule was very stressful. I would imagine he will spend less time with this girl and be sure not to put off his studies. Thereby......no arguing due to stress! Of course that relationship is going to seem easier!

 

But, I do remind myself........he hasnt said "I love you" in over 7 years until he met me even though he has dated a lot. I know what we had was different. I just hope he remembers that over time. Differences in communication or stress levels are things that can be worked out over time. That passionate love is something that is rare!! You dont throw away the love and the potential over something that can be fixed! Baby and bathwater! But I do know right now the stress is something he cannot handle.

 

HEAVY SIGH........ I guess time will tell.