Need insight about this triangle...

[FindingMyTrueSelf]

I have been separated from my husband for three months. I left him because of abuse... two months later, I find myself in love with my married girlfriend whom I have known for four years. I was always bisexual but she never knew that about me until now.

 

She told me one day that she and her husband had fantasized about a threesome with another woman. That conversation made me hot as I realized that I wanted to be the other woman. That night, we went dancing, and then after a kiss we had sex with each other. We had sex the next day, amazed at the level of passion and depth... I think it was the second time sleeping with her that we began to give voice to a growing love between us. By the third time we were together, we were both scared about what it might mean. The feeling is deeper than anything I have ever known, and she says the same is true for her.

 

She decided to tell her husband afterwards... I had wanted her to tell him from the beginning because if he doesn't know, it's cheating. At first she didn't tell him because she wanted me all to herself; but after feeling the love, she thought she'd better include him or we might end up running off together!

 

So she told him... but she only told him half the truth... pretended we never did anything before, and that our first time would be the three of us together. He was excited... I was relieved. One problem: After the threesome, he told her that I behave more "like a man" in bed and has now pulled back from ever doing it again. I'm surprised, because I did things to him that woman do; I didn't leave him unattended, and he seemed to enjoy having sex with me! I feel that he is threatened by what I was able to do to her in bed; things he never was willing to do to her. Now I think he will slowly try to remove me from hanging around his family. He told her not to have sex with me unless he is there because it feels like a man is loving his wife, not a sweet, harmless woman (my words).

 

In the meantime, we have not been able to keep our hands off each other (secretly, of course). I have never felt the love I feel before... the tenderness and the complete surrender and the unlimited passion; a spiritual connection that feels like I have been waiting my whole life for her. We constantly call each other and are so happy to feel this love, even though the husband disapproves.

 

We fantasize about running off together; but I freeze when I consider the social impact that would have on our families (my boy and her two boys). She is still with her husband and she is not happy. The more we talk, the more I see his abuse and controlling patterns... the same patterns I escaped from in my own ex-husband.

 

Although I make plenty of money for the both of us, he would probably try and financially bury me alive if she tried to leave him for me. Dragging the kids in would be so horrible for everyone. I would hate to fight him! I am scared!!

 

Please shed some insight from any experience you have had in a similar situation. I would love to not feel so alone.

 

~me.

[DN]

I don't think that you can cast yourself as 'sweet and harmless' if you are thinking about trying to break up his marriage. Seems to me that he is aware that you are a threat and is reacting accordingly.

 

Remember that the relationship you have with her is based on lies and deceit. That is a toxic start to any relationship that you may be able to get going with her. A divorce for her vould be very messy - and would probably end up hurting the children.

 

Be very careful how you proceed. You could find yourself walking into propeller blades before you quite know what has happened.

[pizzachick13]

I have been in that situation before, except she wasn't in a relationship before I got to her. She got into a relationship with a guy while I was with her. So I know kinda what it feels like.

 

I say that if she's in an abusive relationship then she shouldn't drag you into it and get help. Like call the police about it or something. If he is as abusive as you say then she shouldn't be with him, as the situation could be potentially dangerous for her, her kids and you if you get more involved than you already are.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Sappho...

[Cadence308]

I have never been in your situation. You are in a sticky one and you realize it.

 

It sounds like you really want to be with this woman, but are scared of her husband. You need to talk to her and find out what she wants because maybe she still loves her husband and wants to continue her marriage with him, as well as all of the fringe benefits of having you!

 

You really need to make some decisions with her soon about the status of your relationship and where all of this going before things become even messier or you get your heart broken.

[melrich]

It is great that you are finding out more about yourself since the break up of your marriage.

 

But seriously why go into a friend's marriage. Yes you have discovered a mutual lust and potentially more but really the mess you risk bringing down around you makes you wonder if there wasn't a more appropriate decision to be made by you.

 

Anyway, you have removed the first few stones, I guess you need to ask yourself if the potential relationship is worth the landslide. I'd be running for all I was worth.

[patience]

gender aside, you are "the other woman" in this situation, and most likely she will not leave him for you...why would she leave him when she can stay with him and have you on the side?

[FindingMyTrueSelf]

Yep, I see that it's a bad idea all around to try and be with a married person. I knew that already when it concerns married men; and now I know it's true for married women too. In fact, any person who is not free to give me her heart should be off limits to me.

 

The fact that I thought I was just having fun and didn't know I would end up loving her is another indicator that I shouldn't start something unless it is with someone who could go the distance with me. You never know when you will begin to love someone.

 

I think I need to pull away from her family for a while; even though she and her family had been my safe haven when I left my husband. I see I need to enter therapy so I can stop making messes around me... I deserve to get my head and heart straightened out so I can live the life I was meant to live.

 

I just realized that I am running out of friends! Note to self: don't sleep with your friends if you want them to remain your friends.

[patience]

I agree that you should distance from them. It would be best if you break it off with her now, not later.

 

They are not 'safe' for you if they are having sex with you...maybe they had that in mind all along? For all you know, you may have been preyed on. Step back, and everything will become clearer in your mind. Sometimes the only way to see the reality of a situation is to get out of it.

 

Make efforts to make new friends...friends who were not part of your past.

[FindingMyTrueSelf]

My son loves her sons... their family loves to hang out with mine.

I guess I have really screwed things up pretty badly because I can't imagine hanging around them acting as if nothing happened.

 

What do I tell them? What reason do I give to my children and their close friends as to why I don't come around anymore?

 

Also, what do I do when she begs me not to leave... should I threaten to tell her husband if she keeps pursuing me?

 

Mind you, I just did this to my ex-husband... cut off all contact and shunned all his advances to reconcile... hurt him by leaving him even though it was for my own good. Here it is happening again!

 

Where do I find the strength??

 

Gosh what a mess.

[europo27]

Well I read the post that you had given to me......and it seems like simular situations (except for the 3some). My advice to you is to take some time and separate your self form the situation time will tell all. Right now there are so many feelings and emotions flying around that to make a sound decision would only be destracted. In other words wait until the dust settles. You had just left your hubby deal with that. It sounds like you were turned on and being that she was a close friend that open the door for the thing you might had needed at that point and time. When me and her (my friend) got together we found each other irresistible too. But sometimes you have to question lust or love and if it love you can put time between it and it will grow stronger or the lust will die out. Let everyone deal with what just happened and don't rush. But definitly take a break find yourself a heartbroke and alone.

[patience]

You don't have to tell anyone anything.

Her and her husband aren't idiots, they will know why you are not coming around...because you are NOT interested in such a mess!

Don't contact them anymore.

If she calls you, be honest with her...tell her what you told us.

Tell her you need some space, and ask her not to call you.

Remind her that she is married...tell her you are not interested in being the third wheel, and that you are not going to be the other woman, and that you respect yourself too damn much to be part of an affair.

 

If you seriously want this to be over, you need to be strong, have some values and stick with them.

 

If they were in an open marriage, and if you were all comfortable, that would be a different story...but as it stands, this is pure BS, and you know it! If she really wanted to be with you, then why is she still with him? Plus, this all sounds like lust gone wrong...otherwise why so much deceipt, and why on earth involve him? Ick!!!

 

Are you in counselling to deal with the break-up of your marriage and other issues? I personally think you're way too vulnerable to be having sex with anyone right now.

[FindingMyTrueSelf]

No, I am not in counseling. I really do deserve it though. I made two appointments, both for Monday. One is with a Life Coach, and one is with a therapist who specializes in the sexuality issues I am facing.

 

The life coach is for helping me to be accountable to myself when making goals and sticking to my values. Helping me consciously plan and map my own success so that I don't behave like a victim. Choice is at the root of all things. I need to take responsibility for my own actions and if I don't like something, I can choose to change my part in it.

 

The therapist is for really helping me to separate my emotions from my true self... I want to learn how to listen to my pain instead of run from it or stuff it down. I need to learn how to regain my self-esteem. I want to learn how to say "no" to sex with people even when my body is screaming to connect and share sexual energy. Or if I say "yes", then how to do so and ensure that my boundaries are respected? In other words, I would love to learn how to make my heart and my head agree with each other so that I am living in harmony with the Greater Good.

 

Why did I wait this long? God only knows. I've been so busy making sure everyone else is taken care of; now it's time for me. I have been pampering myself; so therapy is one of the things I deserve to spend money on because it makes me a better person.

 

Thanks for all the insight you guys. I noticed that no one is saying "hang in there and turn your live upside down for LOVE". Hmm... interesting.

[patience]

I noticed that no one is saying "hang in there and turn your live upside down for LOVE". Hmm... interesting.

 

Your situation doesn't sound good for you, so I wouldn't suggest that you continue to torture yourself. You did not describe a healthy, loving connection...far from it.

 

It takes more than 'love' to make a relationship work...so much more!

[FindingMyTrueSelf]

I just spoke to my friend; told her I wanted us to cool off and take time apart. She begged and begged; it broke my heart! I had to be strong, and she kept begging to see me "one more time" so we could "tallk about it". I was thinking What's to talk about? Something tells me she will just try anything once we get together to convince me to not leave her.

 

She is very romantic, thinking love conquers all. Somehow me taking care of myself looks more to her like I am trying to hurt her. Why is it that when we do things for our own well-being, others are offended that we didn't put their feelings first?!?! They are baffled that we would choose to take care of ourselves even though it unfortunately hurts them in the process.

 

Then her Latin Passion came out and she begain to get REALLY ANGRY. Saying things from "I hate you" to "I love you" to "I want to hit you" to "I want to kiss you". During this conversation, I began to fear the depths of her passion. I have heard from others how angry she can get, but never experienced it myself. Anyway, she hung up on me so I took that opportunity to turn off my cell phone!

 

No one ever broke up with her before; she's only 32 and been married for 8 years. Geesh, now I have to worry about my safety?!?! Thank God she is on a beach vacation with her family. Maybe during her 1 week vacation she will come to her senses!! In the meantime, I'd better change my locks (she has a copy of my key).

[DN]

Chances are that when she cools down she will realise that if she causes trouble for you it could cost her more trouble in the end - loss of marriage and maybe her kids.

 

But you should change the locks.

[patience]

this woman sounds very selfish and very unbalanced. She wants to have her cake and eat it too...now that you no longer want to meet her needs, she is pissed off...wow, how mature. Well, now you know what sort of woman you got involved with, her true colours are showing now!

 

If you are certain that you are not going to reconnect with her, and if you want to do "no contact" to truly end this and start to heal, then yes, change your locks, change your email address (if you emailed each other) and block her phone calls, or change your phone numbers (both land line and cell phone).

 

I don't recommend dating people with anger problems...it's never worth it.

[FindingMyTrueSelf]

Yes, Patience, you hit the nail on the head. Selfish and unbalanced. And anger is never good... didn't I just leave an angry spouse? Geesh, like I need to replace him with another!!

 

As DN suspected, she did call and apologize for her behavior and her words. At first I didn't want to answer the phone, but I didn't want to make things worse either, so I picked up. We talked, and after I stood my ground, she finally capitulated and told me that she will do whatever I want, evn if it's painful for her. I told her that yes, that is how a person who loves another person behaves. They want what is best for the other, even if it hurts themselves or doesn't serve their own needs. So I asked her not to contact me; and I will contact her when I feel comfortable doing so.

 

She agreed. Let's hope she can keep her word.

 

On a lighter note... I went to a club in NYC last night (called LoverGirl) and it was awesome! I am feeling more and more comfortable with my unfolding self, and I even met someone nice there! Things are definitely looking up.

 

Thanks all of you, for your keen insight... I am sure that, if left to my own emotions, it would have taken me months to see the reality of the situation.