How does the dumper feel afterwards

[nikhilgore]

Hey people,

 

Having experienced being the person who got dumped I went through the usual cycle of emotions to the point where I felt like the dumpee was the best thing that ever happened to me and so on. Needless to say I have gotten over that and life is great now and though I wish it had worked out I have no regrets as to how things played out.

 

Now I have two questions that have come up in all the reflection that I have been doing

 

1. How does the dumper feel when the dump somone? Is there doubt, fear, happiness....?

2. Even though its been 6 months I still wish it had worked out for the better. Am i just reminiscing, am I still not over her, etc?

 

Edit: Changed dumpee to dumper

[arcane5]

I'm thinking you must have meant 'dumper' since the 'dumpee' would be the one who gets dumped...

[heloladies21]

Usually there's guilt, confusion during the break up and for a little while afterward, but after 6 months no feeling at all i'm sure, but it doesn't even matter anymore. The only thing that matters is that you find someone else who blows your ex away. So go out and get her and your ex will be a distant memory as well!

[HappyKat]

Hi. I just ended a 3 year relationship...actually, we had The Talk and I was the one who walked away. (long story *sigh*)

 

Anyway, as the technical "dumper", all I can say is: it's lousy on this side, too. Still not 100 percent sure it was the best thing to do, but it seemed the only thing to do, given our situation. So yes, there's some doubt on my part. This is not to say we ALL are unsure. (Even when there's no doubt at all, emptiness creeps in. Been there, too.)

 

I'm lonely & feel somewhere between empty and numb BUT at the same time hopeful that all the conflicting emotions will eventually calm down. Up and down, up and down, up and down goes the mood throughout the day--it's better when I focus on something instead of just sitting and brooding over all the 'what-ifs'.

 

Speaking of that, it's time to go do something else.

 

Take care!

[djedix]

I dumped mine, but she was kinda pulling away anyways, not acting like a g/f anymore. I saw it in her eyes the feelings just werent there anymore..

 

I knew it was the best thing to do, for ME. Because she did nothing but bring out an ugly side of me which I haven't seen in about 5 years. I really wasn't respected, because she had other intentions to wana be with someone else.

 

When i did it, it felt so good. I felt like finally i stood up for myself, and protected my heart. But then i started to feel crappy, and wanted to fix it, but there is no fixing it... and then when she started dating my other friend now, it's just like.... walk all over me why don't you.

[Bounder]

My ex, who dumped me, seems to have moments of guilt (thats when we have talked up until I cut her off) and I am sure she wonders about how I a doing, but not as much as I would like. Sometimes the dumpee can depair that they never meant anything to their ex.....then why did things get started in the first place? The tougher question to answer is why did it end? The dumper always know that much at least

[CassieL45]

That is what is tearing me apart now. I just keep wondering, is he thinking about me this much? Does he miss me this much? Does it matter to him? Why did he want this?

 

I want to know these answers so badly, but I'm coming to understand that I never will, which is frustrating. Does everyone feel this way when they are dumped?

[brando]

I dont believe the dumper is feeling the way we dumpees agonize over in our heads. If the dumper is acting this way then we are better off without them.

 

During my divorce i was a wreck..really showed me my insecurities and such.. and i realized she was not doing anything other than what she wanted to do. It wasnt a personal attack against me.. it was something i feel she needed to do for herself to make herself happy.

 

They are not sitting around throwing darts at our pictures, or planning some diabolical shceme to hurt us more. In fact in all honesty they did us a favor.

 

If it was falling out of love, well then they had the courage to at least be honest with themselves and realize they didint belong with us. If it was an affair/ cheating..welll then they should ave told us sooner...but who needs a partner with a wondering eye anyway.

 

The few women i broke up with was because i knew i didnt want to be wit them anymore, not in a relationship anyway, they are not forgotten about.. i remember their faces their names as well. They arent in my life, and i have no intentions of tracking them down... i just dont think of them in the same way anymore. It is a part of life.

 

I felt sad when i ended my relationship prior to my marriage, i cried and thought of her, and even missed her. But i never called her to talk to her. I guess i just knew t was best, (besides she was six years older). So the dumpers have their reasons, and if they told us those reasons, we would not believe them, and try to persuade and haggle with eachothers hearts.

 

I still care deeply for my ex wife, but she doesnt want that part of me anymore, it hurts, but i can do nothing.

 

I dont think any of us that were dumped ( i hate that expression) have to worry that our dumpers are laughing behind our backs..tey are grieving or have grieved as well.

 

best to all..

[Bounder]

Wise words Brando....but still they usually had the luck of grieving, getting over us, whatever, while we were still available to them, you know? That feels really crummy.....

[SeaDogg]

I recently found my ex still isn't over me after 4 1/2 months, and she mentioned she wasn't interested in seeing anyone anymore (she tried 3 guys right off the bat, didn't go anywhere) and just wants to be single for the rest of her life... Her new best friend is her Body Pillow because it reminds her of sleeping next to me... gotta love the 3rd party info, I sleep better at night now knowing that's she's regretin' what she did.

[brando]

Yes Bounder i think it is crummy too. As f they were so weak that they couldnt be alone to do it. Not sure on that one. Maybe they werent ready to leave th erelationship and they hung on until they were strong enough.

 

Either way it was crummy. I agree with 100%.

[Bounder]

Or they hung on until they found someone else so the fal wouldnt be so bad. I think that is what happned in my case

[brando]

yeah, kind of treating it like a job, find a new one and then leave the old one...lol

[HappyKat]

yeah, kind of treating it like a job, find a new one and then leave the old one...lol

 

This is so common...the first thing people think when they hear about a breakup...but not always the case.

 

Sometimes is simply hurts more to be with someone than without them.

[brando]

good point... i have thought of that as well. I think that is true. But why stay in a relationship if you know it isnt what you want. I think that was what Bounder was getting at.

 

It is painful, rejection no matter how it is sliced. No matter how it is looked at, and finally what i am left with personally, it is just sad.

 

 

One of the things my ex said to me was that just because you love someone it doesnt mean you have to be with them.

 

Maybe this goes along with what you posted Happy Kat.

[CassieL45]

Thats almost exactly what my ex told me. "Loving someone isn't always enough." Even if its true, it still hurts.

[sadbutrue]

I would love to know...

[Skullkid]

Love definitely isn't always enough.

 

However, "falling out of love", is (at least in my opinion) a crummy reason to leave unless some effort has been made by both parties to communicate and resolve the issue. Something's just can't be fixed and sometimes one or both parties refuses to compromise and change their bad habits and a breakup will ensue anyways, but I've always at least tried.

 

I won't try to change who someone is, but if they've been acting differently and hurting/frustrating me or turning me off, I'll tell them. If they aren't meeting my emotional needs accidentally, I'll tell them. That kind of conflict is healthy, I think, and if the relationship ever meant anything to me...if I ever felt highly attracted and affectionate towards them, I'll give it my absolute best for at least a little while.

 

It takes two to maintain things, though. If one side just can't/won't, then there's no point.

[Rabbit 5]

I agree if your heart not in it there's no point.

 

I fight for him but he still walk away.

You have all said if dumper not interested he walk away and knowing he did the right thing but what if he.... confused... my ex dating girl with similar features to me we could be sisters, only a couple months after we broke up. When we broke up he did crazy stuff to get my attention but I ask him to stop it. .. when I see him now, he still looks at me and checking me out and doesn't like the fact I'm spending time with someone else. I catch him with sad look on his face, staring at me... I don't know why. . He took his girlfriend to same holiday place and everything we went on a year before.....

 

so the dumper does have regret and still have feelings for dumpee but the dumper sometimes doesn't know what they want so they leave..

[jenbrooks]

I called it off a month ago. I didn't want to, but I broke up with him, I went straight into crying for the whole day. I'm the one doing NC, forcing myself to not have anything remind me of him. Sometimes, when you actually do the dumping, but you feel more like the dumpee, because the other person has already checked out of the relationship long time ago, they are just waiting for you to pull the trigger, and putting the blame on you. And when you try to call it off, it makes you look like a bad person, and they are not!

 

I, as a "dumper", going through a butt load of pain, a lot of writings on here, a lot of reading, a lot of therapy, and a lot of working on myself daily. Two weeks after I dumped him, he went directly to an online dating website to look for another Asian girl

[Allipie]

the online dating thing still messes me up. i don't know if they're trying to avoid the pain or just looking for an ego stroke or both. Sometimes i think HE is doing both-avoiding the pain and looking for an ego stroke bc i probably made him feel really bad once i told him all the hell that i've been through..

 

i mentioned this is my recent post....but i do wonder if he ever feels bad. if he ever thinks about our baby or what i went through.

[jenbrooks]

the online dating thing still messes me up. i don't know if they're trying to avoid the pain or just looking for an ego stroke or both. Sometimes i think HE is doing both-avoiding the pain and looking for an ego stroke bc i probably made him feel really bad once i told him all the hell that i've been through..

 

i mentioned this is my recent post....but i do wonder if he ever feels bad. if he ever thinks about our baby or what i went through.

 

I take things pretty literal when it comes to reading my ex profile. It almost made me puke. Basically, the pictures that are of him on the site are the ones I took. They look the best...

 

And what he was looking for was language exchange, romance, flirting, relationship, or friends. Yup, pretty damn obvious that he is looking for another Asian chick to around with so he's not so lonely.

 

He would rather find someone new than trying to help fix the relationship, then this is so clear and obvious he's not the one for me.

 

Now, can you see the same for your ex? Instead of working with you to solve problems, run away to the land of fantasy, romance, and possibly a new woman where your ex doesn't have to experience the same issue with.

 

Or it could be he fell out of love and actually is interested in someone else.

 

Either way, we cannot accept such an unstable type of men in our lives. Even if they come back, all new and shiny again, can you ensure that he won't do it again?

[Allipie]

from what i've observed, he has a hard time coping when things go wrong. When I last saw him, something had happened, he was drinking a lot, smoking weed, taking xanax, said he spent a bunch of money....all because he was upset. So perhaps losing the baby sent him over the edge and he's seeking comfort in the attention of other women and buying expensive things. He doesn't know how to deal with the pain so its easier to ignore it. And the selfish part of him doesn't care if he's hurting me.

Of course he will do it again and again. I don't know if he will ever come back. like i was telling a friend earlier, it's not like i broke my ankle. I went through something extremely traumatizing. I lost a life that was growing in me. how can he treat it like its not important?

do you think yours will come back?

[jenbrooks]

Your ex sounds exactly like mine, when $hit falls apart, turned to drinking, working a lot, avoiding, not talking, talking to his friends more about girls, traveling, etc. Basically, he went the unhealthy route of being a man.

 

I didn't like what he was doing, it hurt me a lot. He couldn't be honest and open during our counseling sessions. Which resulted in the end of our relationship.

 

I don't think he will come back. I was very harsh during our breakup. I explicitly told him to not contact me again. He tried to break what what I said and found excuses to talk to me after breakup, but I had to repeat, do not bother me anymore numerous times.

 

I have not heard from him for 35 days, I was going to say that he won't contact me again, I think sometime in the future he will, but in coming back. I don't think so. He hid me from his parents for six months, there is no way he can fix this anymore. We tried everything, numerous counseling sessions per week, and if this doesn't do it, then nothing will.

 

If he wanted to fix this, he would have done it long time ago. This is a petty small problem to me, to him, it may not. If the problem was that my parents didn't like him and threatened me, I'd be laughing at my parents and continued on with him, but for him, its completely not possible.

 

There is no way, no how, any woman deserves this kind of treatment. Would you want to be married to a guy where his family always has to like you? And if one day, his family changes their mind, he changes his mind too? In the end, who are you having a relationship with? Not just him at the core, but now I have to be a slave to his family in order to win his heart. ?

 

The same goes for you. Do you want to marry a man who runs away, searches for other women, drown himself in bottles, smokes weed when you are in need of him the most?

 

You see a month ago, I could not even speak like this, I was always asking why did he drink so much? Why did he gain so much weight? Is it because he's sad? Depressed? Poor him. That was me one month ago.

 

Now, I don't care if he was sad, depressed, turned to bottles, turned to his bad influenced friend who is a cheater and told him to cheat on me. He took this route then be it. I cared then, I was scares then, but now. I take those as excuses, not strong enough to be my man.

[Isandra]

it depends on the situation but when I dumped someone who wasn't good for me at all I felt relieve I mean you won't dump someone without a good reason, not me at least. After that I also felt sorry, not about dumping him but I didn't want to hurt him but I just had no choice. A lot of mixed emotions