JustGotDumpedHard Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 She was pretty harsh about the way she dumped me. We unfortunately both work within 4 feet of each other. So I'm going to act as though I couldn't care less. It'll be hard because I think I may be in love with her ... so please lend me a little support here. I want to test the advice I've heard on the subject which states that by doing this - I'll have a better chance of her wanting to come back. I'll try and keep a log of how thing s progress from here. You may think of this as a controlled experiment in an ideal environment. Link to comment
Vert Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 justgot, I know it's tough being dumped, but if she dropped you then why do you want to make her come back? I think your approach of aloof indifference will be good, but you can't make it overly obvious. How long were you two dating? Link to comment
JustGotDumpedHard Posted August 11, 2005 Author Share Posted August 11, 2005 It's been close to 6 months now. She's very nice and all - but I have occasionally noticed that she tends to fly off the handle and get abusive with me at times. I see those as red flags that I unfortunately never addressed. I want her back because I'm really into her. But at the same time, I don't want to act in the way other dolts she's gone out with have when she dumped them. I'm not begging nor pleading. I figure I have nothing to lose at this point ... so I figured why not try the aloof tactic and just see what happens, If she does come back - I'll cross tat bridge when I get there. If she doesn't, well - then I'm no worse off than I'm now. I least I will have kept some dignity. Link to comment
misery12 Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 It's a common tactic, it's not a miracle drug. It won't bring her back if for 1) she doesn't want to be together with you, and 2) you aren't meant to be. If you play aloof, and use it accordingly, and don't over-do it, it can work to your benefit, only.. and I repeat only.. if it's meant to. Link to comment
JustGotDumpedHard Posted August 11, 2005 Author Share Posted August 11, 2005 Ok - hey I'm open to any and all suggestions if you all think this is not a good way to go about this. Link to comment
Vert Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 I had the same situation with my ex-gf being verbally and emotionally abusive to me. She'd try to be controlling and domineering by being a verbal assaulting nightmare as well as giving the cold shoulder to control the mood in the apartment. I'm so glad that I got out of that a few months ago because that would have been a lifetime of guilt trips, not taking blame for herself, and vocal abuse. I think you need to just turn tail and run from her. Do you REALLY want that back? I mean, honestly, do you? Think it through... There are tons of far more stable women out there. Link to comment
RayKay Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 It's been close to 6 months now. She's very nice and all - but I have occasionally noticed that she tends to fly off the handle and get abusive with me at times. I see those as red flags that I unfortunately never addressed. Um.....just a comment from left field...but if she is abusive with you and does not respect you, WHY would you want to be with her? You can't change someone, and if she is like that, why subject yourself to that? This could be the best thing she ever could of done for you, take advantage of it and move on! Link to comment
misery12 Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 I agree. If you do want her back, just let her know you're fine without her. She's not the core to your happiness.. you can use working with her to your benefit, because she'll see that you are doing fine without her and soon enough she may be wondering why. Link to comment
JustGotDumpedHard Posted August 11, 2005 Author Share Posted August 11, 2005 Um.....just a comment from left field...but if she is abusive with you and does not respect you, WHY would you want to be with her? You can't change someone, and if she is like that, why subject yourself to that? This could be the best thing she ever could of done for you, take advantage of it and move on! I agree completely. I may well not take her back if she does decided to do so. I guess given that I'm willing to lose her for godd - I just wanted to try out this often dicussed tactic. I never tried it myself, so I thought I would do that now and share the results with all you fine people here. Maybe it'll help someone else. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 I want to test the advice I've heard on the subject which states that by doing this - I'll have a better chance of her wanting to come back. I'll try and keep a log of how thing s progress from here. You may think of this as a controlled experiment in an ideal environment. I think you need to be careful and realize what you are attempting to do. You are not dealing with a controlled experiement in an indeal environment. What you have is an emotional and dramatic situation hardly the basis for anything scientific. You need to realize that trying to get an ex back is difficult, given your dillusion about the situation (the controlled experiment and it being an ideal environment) I doubt you have what it takes to conduct yourself properly in order to get her back. You cannot be emotional when you attempt to get an ex back. The underlying principle in getting an ex back is that they want to come back but they are confused about it. That is when you actually have some control over the situation. I recommend you do not try and get her back, I recommend that you conduct yourself in a professional way at work and heal from this situation. Link to comment
misery12 Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 I know the feeling that you're experiencing right now. It's like... if your ex-gf comes back, then she must realize what she's done wrong, and wants to change, so i'll give her another chance. But really... nobody can change overnight. If she really wants you, she has to mend all the scars she single handedly brought to you. Which shouldn't be as easy as a "im sorry, take me back?". It should be a confession of her flaws, and a solution to her faults. Link to comment
JustGotDumpedHard Posted August 12, 2005 Author Share Posted August 12, 2005 I've deleted her from my IM and I didn't expect any calls today - but I expect that tomorrow will be a little weird. We have a company meeting on Friday mornings and we usually sat next to each other and discreetly touched feet. I think I'll show up a couple of minutes late so that I can sit elsewhere on purpose. Link to comment
misery12 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Yeah, or just sit right beside her and show no interest that she exists. I'm sure that'll hit her hard Link to comment
JustGotDumpedHard Posted August 12, 2005 Author Share Posted August 12, 2005 I'm having difficulty sleeping tonight - which means this is hitting me harder than I thought it would. That, of course, changes nothing about my plans. Tomorrow I act like I have no care in the world - I just hope the bags under my eyes don't give me away... Link to comment
JustGotDumpedHard Posted August 12, 2005 Author Share Posted August 12, 2005 Well, she didn't show up for work today. I guess the plans will have to wait 'til Monday - unless she calls over the weekend. I blocked her IM (and she may have blocked mine) so I won't be hearing from her that way. Link to comment
JustGotDumpedHard Posted August 13, 2005 Author Share Posted August 13, 2005 I haven't heard from her all day today - so I have to assume that she's pretty serious about the breakup. I know it's only been a day and a half of NC (if you can call it that). It's hard not to hear from her, even if I know she's toxic. We'll see if the weekend brings any attempts from her. Link to comment
misery12 Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 No man.. don't see if the weekend does. Don't you see what you're subconsciously doing? You're still keeping tabs on what she's doing, and trying to figure out if she's thinking of you. DON'T. It won't get you anywheres. You have to live your own life man, and if she comes, then she comes, but do not wait for the day.. i'm only speaking from experience. Link to comment
JustGotDumpedHard Posted August 13, 2005 Author Share Posted August 13, 2005 I hear you. Yeah that is what I'm doing, I guess. At first thought I always miss her and I want her, even if logically I know it would not be a good thing to have her back. I keep hoping she'll try and make contact - which of course, is probably what most people in this situation do. But I've resolved to act to her as though I'm completely fine with this and that's what I'll do ... Link to comment
ComputerGuy Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 I think you need to sit down and accept it's over. Continue on the path you are on now, and you going to end up where I was when I did the same thing. Depression, nervous breakdown, attempted suicide. It hurts, it sux, and it's somehting you probably don't want to accept, however you need to come to terms with it. Stop keeping tabs on what shes doing, stop trying to figure out if she is thinking of you. While NC is hard given your working situation, my best advice is just say to yourself "No more" and cut all contact...limiting it to only stuff that is necessary for your job and nothing more. This is also the reason that dating colleagues is a bad idea. My ex I also worked with....I left the state I was in and went to a whole new city just to get out of it and away from her. Don't put yourself in the position I was in, you won't feel better, nothing will change, and you'll just end up beating yourself up over it. Link to comment
JustGotDumpedHard Posted August 13, 2005 Author Share Posted August 13, 2005 Yeah - I can understand what you're saying. I think I may be in love with her, but there's no way in hell I'd ever consider suicide or anything of the sort because of this. I'm into her - but I'm not in the "she's the one" mode with her at all. If this is over for good - It'll be a little hard, but I can deal with it. Link to comment
ComputerGuy Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 That's good to hear. I wasn't sucicidal either initially, but after the long string of other crap that came about from me letting my ex continue her games and letting her mess with my head left me at a point I didn't see another way out. That's why I recommend getting out now, BEFORE it gets that far. Link to comment
JustGotDumpedHard Posted August 13, 2005 Author Share Posted August 13, 2005 That is good advice - there's no doubt about it. Hopefully I can listen to the big head more than the little onw. Link to comment
JustGotDumpedHard Posted August 14, 2005 Author Share Posted August 14, 2005 This is getting tough. I screwed up and got drunk last night at a party and then I called her. I wanted to find out why she was so pissed off at me. Turns out the reason is ridiculous (to me) but she was hurling insults at me and being a little psycho ... Now I think I need to get really far away from this woman. She's sort of freaking me out now. I do miss what we had ... but I realize now that I may heve been deluding myself into thinking she's someone she's not. Link to comment
ComputerGuy Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 Dont be too hard on yourself...everyone screws it up first try I think. But you realise your mistake and your need to get away, which is a big step towards getting her out of your life. Link to comment
patience Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 No contact is really hard work, but it is worth it. Go out with friends and have fun with people you like and trust. Stay away from abusive people...they don't change unless they get professional help, and even then, it's iffy. Link to comment
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