Feeling so down.. sort of long, but please read.

[misery12]

Hey all, I'd like to vent here a little bit, advice would be appreciated.

 

So my ex and I broke up about 2 months ago, or more.. and since then we've kept in contact.. talking a few times a week. We used to hang out a few times a week, but then she would tell her friends I was clingy and things, so I backed off, and I think she's seeing that im more independent now.

 

Here's the thing, my 2 closest buddies have girlfriends, and they're always happy, and go to their girlfriends houses, kiss them, and cuddle with them, and I miss that. I am not interested in any other girl in my school, and I don't like dating girls outside of my school, because it's hard.

 

I still have feelings for my ex, and I wish we could get back together, but only if she changed some of her ways. I know through a mutual friend that she thinks im a great guy but just wants to be friends right now.. (that's what the friend thinks she understood while talking to her).

 

Awhile ago I posted saying that my ex might have fooled around with another guy at a party, I found out she didn't.. and that she is now realizing he's just another loser, and isn't what she thought he was.

 

I am 16, and I'm getting my license within the next few months so that opens up some new doors.. but some nights I just find myself feeling jealous, and envy people in healthy relationships. They go home feeling happy and fulfilled with their love life, and can kiss their girlfriends every week, and I have nobody. I loved my ex so much.. and wish we could be together again. I've kept strong and gave her space, and in the past 3 weeks or so she's been initiating conversations with me on IM a lot more, and I occasionally do too.

 

I find her checking my away message many times per day .. She checked it 6 times in like 2-3 hours. I just don't know what to do to overcome these feelings right now. Whenever I see people kissing or holding each other, I can't help but think of her.. or ANYTHING mostly that involves a relationship... then I end up feeling empty.

 

I don't think I should talk to her about this, because she's never really been the type of person to talk about her feelings.. with anyone. Also, if 2 months after our break up, I come out asking if she wants anything with me again, that'll make me look more needy than anything.

 

At the same time though, I don't want to be her security guy, that she can come back to if she doesn't find another guy... I dont think she's looking though. Her whole family loves me, and yesterday her sister asked me to hang out with her. It didn't work out and she said "maybe another time?"

 

Does anybody know any tactics to overcome these feelings? What are these feelings? What should I do.. and please don't say... "work on yourself" I know all of that.. What can I do/think of when I get these feelings to make me feel better?

 

Thanks.

[annie24]

Hey there - well, when you start feeling bad, just think of the things that are going well in your life. Like you said, the driver's license... new opportunities. Or, go read a book or watch a movie, or call a friend. Focus on the things that make you happy, as opposed to unhappy.

 

About the ex... Well... here's the thing.... didn't she JUST turn 16? Different people reach their maturity at different rates. Maybe she's immature, or maybe she just wasn't that into you. You'll have to come to terms with that. Sometimes, no matter how awesome and good-looking we are, there are still people out there who aren't in love with you. All the time, you hear of beautiful actresses and models that get cheated on or dumped.

 

As for feeling jealous when you see other couples....I just wrote this on someone else's post this week... if there's anything that eNotalone has taught me, it's that there are plenty of people who are unhappy in their relationships. Tons of people on here write about how unhappy they are in their relationship, but I'm sure to people on the outside, they look like just another happy couple at the movies or at dinner. Mis, the grass isn't always greener on the other side....

 

Don't worry about your friends - just... you know... work on yourself And take care of yourself and be happy. Focus on your schoolwork when the academic year starts again. Maybe then you'll get super high grades, get into a great college, and you'll meet the love of your life in the dorms.

 

Take care

[lady00]

You've got to cut the contact with your ex. I suggest you also block her on your messenger so that you don't know if she's checking your away message or not. If you want your feelings for her to fade then you need to not keep in touch with her. Keeping in touch is great for her as she gets all the attention she wants from you with zero committment but it's hard for you because you have feelings for her. The feelings will only fade if you stop talking to her and stop doing things such as checking how many times she checks your away message. That stuff will just drive you nuts because you're trying to figure out whether she misses you etc based on these kinds of signs. It won't work. To get over her, you need to talk more to other girls and explore more your potential for having feelings for others. Try to make some single friends. It will help to have some unattached friends.

 

Also...don't think of being single as a burden. It doesn't have to be. It can be a new found freedom. Being single is great but only when you're not worrying over an ex. You will get to that point but you need to stop any absolutely unnecessary or inevitable contact with her. Good luck.

[melrich]

I know you'd like one but there is no magical cure for heartbreak. No one can tell you how long it will take before you are back to "normal" because it differs for everyone.

 

The reason you keep hearing the advice, "keep busy, work on yourself" is because it works. But in the end it just takes time.

[annie24]

The reason you keep hearing the advice, "keep busy, work on yourself" is because it works. But in the end it just takes time.

 

Well said

[misery12]

I don't think I can cut contact with her completely though.

She's a great girl, and she'd know if I blocked her or whatever, and then she'd know I was still wallowing over her.

 

The thing is, she may still have feelings for me.. deep down, I just have that feeling you know, and we were together for about 6 months, so I know how she thinks.. and what makes her happy/sad.. things like that.

 

She told her friends she'd probably be upset if I was with another girl, but that's the thing.. most of the girls I know ARE taken. The ones that aren't I have no interest in.. I have thought about all the girls I know, and She seems to be the only one.. maybe it's just my feelings thinking for me, I dont know.

 

Just for thought, anybody know what I could do to make her feelings come out? IF she has themm.. what are some things that will make them shine through, without tricking her, or doing immature tactics.

[lady00]

If she does have feelings deep down and she doesn't want them to come out (doesn't seem like she does if that's the case) there's nothing you can do to bring them out. If she has those feelings, it's probably that she is trying to forget about them and move on. Sooner or later, you're going to have to accept that she does not want to be with you. And, you need to meet other girls. You say all the attractive girls you know are taken. Well, there are plenty of attractive girls who you don't know that aren't taken. So, get out there and meet them. Get active, make new friends etc.

 

I say, cut off contact with the ex. Who cares whether or not she thinks you're pining away for her? I mean, she must have a huge ego to think that the reason you would not be talking to her is that you were still wallowing. No contact is for you. It's not supposed to affect your ex in a particular way. It will help you heal.

 

Right now you have blinders on and you onlys see one girl. Cutting off contact will open your eyes to a world full of attractive, single girls. More importantly, it will help you move on from your ex and enjoy the single life!

 

I am sharing this advice with you because it has worked for me in the past. I was once incredibly in love with someone and I thought there was no other person in the world for me. I don't talk to him anymore and I can't remember what all the fuss was about in the first place. The reason I don't talk to him isn't cause I'm not over him. It's actually because we were not really friends and the only reason I maintained contact was because I still liked him. After a while, the feelings faded away and I talked to him less and less. I am friends with some of my exes, and not with others. The point is, think less about what she's thinking or doing and what your actions may suggest to her and think more about you and your happiness and enjoying a life away from her. Good luck.

[misery12]

I just really don't think I can stop talking to her.. I hope you can understand that.

We ARE good friends.. and I know if I try hard enough I can move on without totally erasing her. I just have to get my mind around some facts.

Such as, IF she really wanted me.. wouldn't she come to me?

But here's the thing... when I found out she liked me back in December, It was never from her. I was at a party and her sister was there and she was the one that told me.. and then my sister would say "go out with ___ she's so cute".. and I was never really into her, but then I got interested.

 

Never ONCE did she ever mention having feelings for me, we sort of just knew after awhile. I don't think she ever mentioned how much she liked me or anything while we were going out. I did say to her how much I liked her one time, and she said "same goes for me".. or something.

 

So.. do you think it's smart to say this to her..

"I have feelings for you, but I need to know if you have any intention on having something with me again, so I know if i'm wasting my time or not".

 

This.. will show her that I don't want to play her games anymore, and if she really wants something with me.. she better step up. IF she doesn't, then at least i'll know and I can move on and stop guessing.

 

I think that's the reason why i'm having such trouble moving on from her, because there's been SO much going on since the break up that I can't tell if she wants something with me, so im stuck here guessing all the time.

 

I really think I should say that to her... so I can get her solid word.. and move on.

[lady00]

Look, NC is tough. But it will help you heal. You seem really attached to the idea of being friends and maintaining contact but isn't that just hurting you? You say you are good friends but then in your other posts you complained about her disrespecting you behind your back. I don't get it. You see, to me it seems like right now she's not your friend. She's an ex that you want back and who has the potential to hurt you. I fully believe NC can work but you're not going to listen to me. Lol, that's okay. As you get older and date more, you'll see that NC is sometimes necessary.

 

As for telling her how you feel...I'm of two minds about that...

 

I agree, you should say it. Once and for all. Then move on. If she gives you some kind of wishy-washy answer such as "who knows what will happen" or "maybe in the future" that's just another way of saying no. If you feel you need to hear that from her in order to move on then go ahead. But consider this: you two are broken up. Does she really have to tell you again that she doesn't want to be with you? I think you're setting yourself up to be rejected again BUT I understand that you feel you need to hear a definitive word from her so that you can move on.

 

Hope that's not too confusing. Good luck!

[misery12]

Hah, no I understand that.

That's why i'm asking everyone, because im not sure what to do.

I'm asking a friend of ours right now, and she thinks I shouldn't ask her.. because she thinks my ex would have already said something if she wanted to be back with me.. but I don't think thats true because she's never said anything to me when she did like me, I had to find out from others.

 

About a month ago I found out she liked me again (1 month after our break up).. but it wasn't from her. IT was from my friend.. which I don't like hearing from.. I'd rather my ex just tell me..

 

It's just an insane scenario it seems there's no benefits in either direction.

Here's the thing.. IM NOT 25.. I can't get out there and meet other girls.

I'm going into grade 11, and I know mostly all the girls in my school.. seriously. I don't like dating girls from other schools because it gets confusing.. trust me.

 

I am getting my license soon.. I sort of just dont' want to be the only one left out of my friends that haven't really experimented with a girl.. my 2 closest friends have girlfriends, and im happy for them, but I hate being alone. That's one of the reasons im holding onto her, I think.

 

I really feel as if I should say something to her.. get her opinion, and then block her. So at least I know..

But on the other hand, I think if I keep busy.. once school starts, and I get my license.. i'll be very occupied, and might be able to move on that way.

[lady00]

You should NEVER hold on to someone because you are afraid of being alone. Whether or not you date should not be about feeling left out. It should be about being with someone who is right for you. If you feel you must ask your ex in order to move on, then do so. But don't expect her to want to reconcile. Since you're broken up and she hasn't made any moves to get you back, you should assume the answer will be no. So don't get your hopes up. But if that's what you need to do, do it. Don't wait around. Just do it. Let us know how it goes.

 

Being single can be a lot of fun, if you let yourself enjoy it. If you think of it in terms of what you don't have, then you will always be wanting more. Be grateful for the things you do have and if someone who you click with comes along, then great. I mean, just look at your ex, she's probably having a great time being single. There's no reason you can't as well.

[Hope75]

At the risk of repeating myself, Mis, YES, you should say this to her, get your answer, and if it isn't what you want, walk away from her once and for all.

 

There are plenty of other women in the world who will not play immature games, and when the time is right you will meet one.