Reconstructive Heart Surgery: recovery from a broken heart

[temperamental_taurus]

I'm in the process of performing reconstructive heart surgery on myself. I haven't posted here in quite awhile, having had a relapse of my "heart condition" once again. It seems to be a chronic problem, that doesn't quite go away. Since it's such a persistent affliction, I don't usually have enough time to recover from the last episode before a new bout hits me even harder than the last. I've been dealing with it going on a year and a half now, I'm weak and tired and just ready to heal.

 

My history is documented in prior posts, and to bring everything up to date - I went back to him. And it was worse than ever. This time I guess I took the approach of, well if you can't beat him, join him and partied HARD weekend after weekend with him. It didn't matter. I was still verbally abused, cheated on, lied to, broke down, ignored, isolated, and even sexually abused. He leads such a corrupt life-style. It's quite disturbing, but I figured maybe he'd love me if I just was there having his kinda fun right along side of him. I started smoking pot with him, took tons of uppers, drank bottles and bottles of wine, hard liquor - everything - oh yeah, it was a party every weekend. We'd end up driving home, completely wasted, in my car... him nearly driving off the road he was so intoxicated, only to get home and allow him to whatever he wanted to, to my body, to ME. Then the weekend was over and he'd pretty much ignore me Mon through Thursday (unless he was horny) until the weekend hit again.

 

Through this last month, I had finally gotten to meet the two girl roommates he had moved in with. They are actually pretty cool people, one of the girls and I actually have quite a bit in common. To make a long story as short as possible - the owner of the house has decided to sell it and they all have to move out. D (my ex) is moving now to a condo 3 miles away from where I live. This is extremely bad. Up to this point, this man has completely controlled me. If you knew me, you'd swear I was one of the strongest people you'd ever met, but with HIM, I'm mush. Knowing this, I approached my doctor and she prescribed me an anti-depressant specifically for this type of thing. Hopefully it'll give me the backbone that I never had with him.

 

I walked out on him Friday morning after finding out that he had a date later that night with another girl and that I'd just have to "get over it and deal". I don't think so. He had tried to lie and say he was going out with work friends - but I knew better. What a cheating lying..... !!! I left him - for the last time. The idea of him living 3 miles away from me makes me sick!!! Ugh. This is only day 4 on my meds, I needed more time for them to take affect, I'm still feeling weak when it comes to him. But I'm determined now, because my life will be ruined if I allow him to still be in it once he moves out by me.

 

He called me yesterday (Saturday morning) and against my better judgement, I listened to what he had to say. He was screaming at me that I was ruining his life, that I had told someone that he had said he had slept with his roommates - which is EXACTLY what he had told me - and probably alot of other people too. Blaming me for all his problems. I calmly explained to him that it was about time he started taking responsibility for his actions and that perhaps he shouldn't lie and then when people talk and start comparing notes, there are no inconsistencies in his story... That he made his bed, he needs to lie in it and that I am no longer interested in dealing with the drama that he has surronding him because of his poor choices. None of this is MY fault and I refuse to take the blame any more! It's like I was listening to a child! He was upset that I actually became friends with his roomies, he blamed me for the house getting sold (?!?), he blamed me for people calling him on what he had said about them, he blamed me for ruining his life (?!?) - I told him he did that quite well on his own... WOW is all I have to say.

 

So, here I am AGAIN... determined more than ever to be done with all of this and need this avenue to pour my thoughts and feelings into... as well as the support of all of you, to get me through this. I have heard that it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them so I'm looking at a 9 month healing process - and that's ok with me. At this point, I am happy being by myself, not interested in dating and just want to have some piece and quiet... to go out, have fun, to find myself again and allow these anti-depressants to work. I can't wait to feel stable again and free of this madness. More later... A.

[saltwatergirl]

I think it is great that you have made this final decision. Just don't set up in your mind some time-frame of healing....you may not require 9 months to heal. but if you get that into your mind it could very well take that long.

 

Also try not to consider the medication as a "requirement" to your developing a backbone. You have one and it has been there all along. Every time you talk about being "weak" around him, you reinforce that thought and set yourself up. Watch what you put out into the universe. Replace words like "weak" with "strong" and "hard" to "easy", and turn those thoughts around in your head. You can make this as easy, or hard, on yourself as you want.

 

Find your legs, and get back up on them. Then take all the energy you are putting into him and channel it into being your own personal bodyguard, or soldier. Defend yourself by "catching" those thoughts in your mind and changing them. Thoughts like "this is hard" or "i am mush around him". No you aren't. You just weren't guarded. Think of yourself now as a soldier---protecting YOU. Even if it's only from thoughts in your mind.

Go into "soldier" mode when the phone rings, when you have thoughts, when you feel "weak". The weak need a protector---YOU have to be your own protector. Become your own personal soldier and you will be surprised at how easily you can lift yourself out of this.

 

You already see the destructive path he is on, you already see how careless he is with you and your life. It's like some lowlife coming into an empty house, taking what they want, partying, tearing things up, ransacking the place and then leaving with valuables they want to take....then coming back the next weekend to do it all over again. You were the empty unguarded house, but all you have to do is lock it up.

You are not weak. You are strong. Find your legs and start defending.

 

Here is one to get you started: dont think of him as having other girls. He just has other empty houses to ransack.

 

Congratulations,

Salt

[temperamental_taurus]

Thanks, Salty, I've never thought about it that way before! And it makes sense. He IS a low-life and I lowered myself being with a person like him.

 

I spent the weekend with family and then left today when the guilt trips started. (they are Catholic and good at the guilt thing) Not really capable of dealing with those kinda things on top of everything else so I left - but it was good to see them - it's been awhile.

 

On the drive down I analyzed myself and decided that I'm going to focus all my love inwards and start treating myself like I do these unworthy idiots. Maybe then my life will get better - because all they do is suck the life out of me.

 

Looking forward to a life without him, and although I do still think of him, it's only a million questions that will always go unanswered because even if I got an honest reply out of him, he's so messed up that he probably doesn't know why he does the things he does anyways. Such a waste of a human being, although to be human - you must possess a heart...

[rionmccloud]

Some lessons in life have to be learned the hard way. But the most important thing is the lesson is learned. It's good to see the light of reason bloom. I wish you good health and a speedy recovery.

[temperamental_taurus]

Thanks rionmccloud, I appreciate your support! Lessons learned huh? Well, I can't really say I've learned any lesson through this except for one: substance abusers never change and that a relationship with one will never work.

 

Sometimes I question God as to WHY he allows these types of people to enter my life. I didn't ask for this! I know that he never puts one through anything they are incapable of handling - and that makes me feel a sense of relief - knowing I can and will get past this horrible time in my life.

 

But I don't blame God, and continue to pray for the strength to stand up to such a dark influence in my life. I feel so good today! The thoughts of D are fleeting and are only filled with pity for him. That he's such a wreck, that he's so messed up, that he's so lost, that he lost me. And I look towards the future and know that anything is better than the place that I was at with him. It almost makes me a little smug, knowing that his life will continue on in the same way, the names and faces may be different but the end result will always be the same - and I won't be there for him to blame anymore!

[temperamental_taurus]

So, my very best friend in the whole world contacted me at work today to see how I was doing. It was so good to hear from him! I gave him an update and he was absolutely amazed. He was like, "Girl, one thing I've noticed about you is that when you fall in love with someone your loyality to that person is unbreakable - no matter what happens you are always there for him." That most men he knows would kill for that. That he's jealous that his wife is not that way.

 

But is that a good thing? And I suppose that even if it's not, it's who I am. I have something inside of me that insists that giving up is not an option. Yeah, I'm a Taurus and loyality is one of the traits - but then I don't see stupidity listed there - could stubborness and tenacity be my problem? Am I THAT stubborn that I can't even convince myself to walk away from a bad thing?

 

Ah, who knows. Feeling pretty good still, got alot done at work today - organized everything, threw away alot of stuff - amazing what you can get done when a 195 pound weights been lifted of your shoulders!

[temperamental_taurus]

Couldn't sleep last night, between these darn diet pills and the anti-depressant, I was up all night again. It's been quite awhile since I can remember sleeping more than 5 hours at one time. But, I'm holding up pretty good, got a little nervous when I had some pains down my left arm today, my B/P was high and my pulse was 132 bpm. Maybe I should lay off the drugs for a couple days...LOL... but I'm so determined to lose another 30 pounds that I'd risk having a heart attack for it! LOL

 

I got a lovely email from him today:

 

 

I have no intention of keeping any type of relations, sexual or otherwise with you. You bring contention into my life and I've realized that it is not something I desire at all. No need to argue or anything. Go on with your life and I hope you find happiness, but please do not contact me ever again.

 

Thanks,

-D****

 

My response:

To: link removed

 

 

I'm sorry you feel that I am the one that causes contention in your life. Maybe my presense made you uneasy because of things you were doing or had done – but I have done nothing to you. You can't blame everything on me, D**** – just because I was "around" does not mean I'M your scapegoat. I am not the cause of your problems. And you can be pissed, hate me, tell everyone that I'm the reason your life is chaotic, ignore me, never speak to me again – whatever, I'm just hoping someday you will realize. Just know that I have forgiven you for everything and that I love you very much. And I will for a long time. And in regards to you and C******, I hope that goes good for the both of you, I wish you happiness. Love always, A.

 

As usual, you were blaming me for everything, not taking responsibility. Yup, it most definitely is my fault that you were such a pig, you're right. I should never have walked out and let you go out on dates with girls while you were with me, I should have never cried when you called me names, I should have never pleaded with you not to move in with 2 women, I should have never gotten upset that you were always lying to me, I should have never questioned you on the other girls' text messages on your phone or why you felt you had to delete your responses. I should have just kept quiet, right? Like a good little woman and swallow every dang thing you put me through! Well, guess what!?! I may have come back to you over and over again, but those things will NEVER be okay to me! NEVER! And you can blame me, hate me - whatever makes it easier for you to get over me and forget me, but know - and I mean KNOW - that how you treated me was completely and totally WRONG. I LOVED YOU and because of that devotion I allowed myself to be put through a year and 1/2 of misery to be by your side! And if you believe for one second that ANY OF THIS is my fault then you are deluding yourself.

 

Um, wow - where'd that come from? My little rant for this evening. Sorry I guess it just ticks me off that HE doesn't want to talk to ME ever again. What the heck have I done? I'm not a bad person! It's offensive to me that someone could possibly dislike me THAT much. I'm really sensitive to that - there is no one that I know that DIDN'T like me after they had met me. I suppose it's all part of his warped personality and I should forget it, but it feels just like another of his put downs, another way to manipulate me, bring me down - one final kick to the ribs. Sigh, well, someday this will all be done and over with... just wishing I was already there... On my way into Scottsdale - more later...A.

[temperamental_taurus]

Figured I'd include this IM from early this morning since I tend to forget how rude he is to me sometimes!

 

 

 

another example of the way I am spoken to all the time - although this happened to be more docile than most. And HE wants ME out of HIS life??? I am way too good to him, I should just tell him to kiss off about my extra phone, too bad I'm a moron

[saltwatergirl]

My gawd, this has got to be the most disrespectful exchange I've read lately, I cannot even believe you can stand to speak to this jerk!!! Why would you be nice and agree to give him a phone??? Why would you even answer a sentence from him?????????

 

girl what is wrong with you, this guy is just as rude and disrespectful and mean as he can be to you, and all he can do is laugh at you because you just take it.

 

I'm not real sure what to even say to you. Im at a complete loss. Jeez you must have NO self esteem to even put up with someone acting that way toward you. AND giving him anything on top of it! And still talking to him when he's telling you to get lost! HOW do you do that? Arent you mad? That would make my blood boil. You couldnt pay me enough money to even ACKNOWLEDGE this person let alone talk to them, or send them something. GET A GRIP!

 

How old is this guy btw, 15??? He sounds like a teenager. Gawd, the sooner you lose this idiot, the better. And dont send him a thing!!! As a matter of fact, BLOCK him from EVERYTHING and forget you ever knew him. Find some shred of dignity and pretend this little situation never even happened. You are getting a blessing to be rid of this idiot, truly.

Ackk, I can't even stop reading it, it's so incredibly UNBELIEVABLE.!!

 

And by all means, try to spend some time getting to know yourself and figuring out how a woman should be treated, because you obviously have not a clue right now.

 

Salt

[temperamental_taurus]

Salt – He'll be turning 31 this year and I have no idea why I continue to talk to him etc. I think it's because of the kind of person I am. I forgive very easily, I tend to forget very easily too, that's why I posted that IM – I'm trying to keep it fresh in my mind.

 

I also got a few lovely emails from him yesterday during work; one saying "I'm so proud of the way I dumped you! F(omitted by me) you in the (omitted by me) and sent you packin'!!! Slapped your "butt" – (real word omitted) down when you text msg'd me being all lame... YAY ME!!!" and another "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Trash is dumped and so are YOU" and another that said "Welcome to Dumpedville – Population – YOU" – sigh… Niiiiice, huh?

 

Funny, I was the one who walked out on him; but honestly it doesn't matter who dumped who. I simply don't care anymore, and have reached a point where I truly do not want him back. Yeah, it took a LONG time for me to get to that point, but I'm an awesome girl and deserve so much more. Those emails didn't even affect me – AT ALL. I'm so far past the hurt now, I've dealt with so much that I'm just numb to it all.

 

I'm willing to let him buy that extra phone off me because I know he needs it. That's just the kind of person I am. If I am able to help someone, I will – even if that person is one of the most cruel people I have ever come accross – the kind of person HE is does not change the person that I AM, and so if he needs the phone, he can pay me for it.

 

As for me, well, I actually DO have a self-esteem. I'm pretty, smart and have no problem attracting men. I'm just TOO NICE and I am walked all over because of that. And I feel that no one is worth giving up on – that people in my life are SPECIAL and my loyalty to them is darn near unbreakable. But once it's severed, it's severed for good. More later…A.

[temperamental_taurus]

I think I'm just a glutton for punishment. The ex and I hung out this weekend; he came over Saturday afternoon and immediately brought up the fact that he met some petite little "hottie" the night before that his shirt was covered in lipstick, etc. Yeah, it hurt to hear because I'm definitely not "petite" – I stand 5'7" without heels. That he left with the hottest girl in the place, etc. He then accused me once again for causing "contention" in his life. This is his new word, you see. "Contention". I told him that for him to continue to bring this up he must be having mixed feelings about me and needs something to pin on me. I asked him for one TRUE example of how I cause this conflict and he brings up an issue that occurred over a year ago with his family. There is this family website that allows pics to be uploaded and commented on by its users. He made me part of his family website. He and I and a few of his brothers and their girlfriends made funny little remarks to the pics that we all posted and in response to something I posted a family member over-seas outwardly attacked me. "D" responded hatefully and it started a huge uproar. Because of the horrible things that were said about me, I withdrew from the family website and never went back. He is now blaming ME for this entire incident. Nothing I had said was out of line etc, it was just a judgmental individual striking out at me. Yet, it was I that caused this "contention"! Um, ok? I have since then been around these particular individuals and have never brought the subject up and have always been completely respectful and polite to his entire family. I immediately started crying out of hurt and frustration. I'm so tired of having to defend myself, and being blamed for the things that are caused by him and his hateful family.

 

We then went dancing at a hot club in Scottsdale, and had a blast! There were beautiful people there, both men and women. I think this made him uncomfortable because he definitely doesn't have "the look" and he knows it. He's a short little dumpy guy, no toning, with a boyish face. Kinda looks like that hobbit in Lord of the Rings, Frodo – yeah, he's cute but do you really want one??? LOL and, – it was quite obvious that I attracted attention. He must have felt threatened. Well, after the bar, it must have been eating at him because we were talking about the fun we had and I asked him if he saw the guy that had walked directly up to me while we were dancing and that it made me uncomfortable and I kept looking away and finally turned my back on the guy. I was hoping that the guy wasn't about to grab me and dance which might have started something between him and "D". Well, D exploded. Saying this is what he means by me causing "contention". That he was having fun at the bar and then I cause this drama. I was stunned into silence at first. Was he serious that it is MY fault that this guy came up to me??? I got fed up and told him to shut his face, that he must have bi-polar disorder or something. He makes no logical sense and it makes me wonder if he has alcoholic dementia already or just a personality disorder – either of which, rational minds will never be able to comprehend because it doesn't make any sense!

 

Most of Sunday was spent sleeping, cuddling, and being intimate with each other… (except for the time he was searching for cute girls online to be move into the new condo he's renting – I had to ask him to refrain from searching for women while he was at my house). I guess being exhausted and hung over I wasn't as emotionally strong as I have felt lately and started talking to him about "us" and told him that I loved him. He said we're just friends with benefits and refused to talk to me. I told him that hurt me and said that he should probably just leave and he got up out of bed, and walked out, leaving me wrapped in a sheet crying on the floor. Funny that how after he leaves, it's like the fog lifts and I can think clearly. Amazing, the power and control he has over me. But the second he leaves, it's like the spell is broken and I'm ok. I stopped crying and immediately felt better.

 

Amazing that in the span of 22 hours this guy made me cry twice and caused a fight after the club. How obvious that he is the cause of his own drama in his life and not me. I need the distance from him. I also sent him an IM stating we should not have sex anymore, because I don't like knowing he's just using me. Amazing that he can sit there, say that he loves me etc and be lying to my face. This whole thing makes me sick, I'm angry I can't stand up to him, I'm angry that I can't walk away from him, I'm angry that I'm not in control… especially of myself. What is it going to take for this to be over??? When I have to check myself into an insane asylum??? He's tearing me apart! Ugh!

[saltwatergirl]

Well, I dont have anything to post to you really, because i cant understand why you continue to allow yourself to be treated this way.

 

This guy comes right out and TELLS YOU that he is using you and cares nothing for you, yet there you are in bed with him. You had to ask him to not search for other girls while at your house?? Give me a break. I dont understand why you let any of this go on, but you obviously have NO SELF RESPECT or DIGNITY. None. To have slept with him and gone out, etc, after that IM exchange you 2 had the other day? Its pathetic and I feel sorry for you.

 

You have no respect for yourself. You have completely proven that, and to sum it all up were cyring in the sheets on the floor after he wiped his feet on you and left...it's truly disgusting, and I am not gonna post anymore on your threads, because this is a support site, and I just cant offer you any.

 

On a side note, the "guy coming up behind you at the bar incident"----I hate to say this but, that was your fault all the way. Why would you bring it up? You purposely did that to try and get a rise out of him, draw attention to it. Im sure you did that to get some "angry" reaction thinking that would be some glimmer of caring on his part, but it backfired. I think he is the scum of the earth, but that ONE incident was wrong and all on you, girl. It was, as he said, creating drama. You shouldn't of even acknowledged it...I've been hit on/gawked at when out with my bf, never ONCE would I have brought it to his attention and created that drama. I think playing jealousy games are lame. But then again i wouldnt have a bf that I had to FORCE into some show of concern for me, so what do I know.

 

When will it stop? Who knows---im starting to think you deserve whatever you get from him. It's that pathetic.

 

Im done, Im disgusted by your behavior and hope one day soon you will be too. And Im sorry if this post is critical, but your behavior is really ridiculous.

 

Salt

[temperamental_taurus]

You are absolutely right, Salt. And I 100% agree with you that what I put up with and allow to be done to me is ridiculous. As I have said before, I absolutely have no control of this situation. Do I deserve it? Perhaps... because I love him that much, even though he is undeserving. (Perhaps love is not the right word here - I'm controlled) Such is the conditioned behavior of those involved with a narcissist. I happen to be trying (meek efforts, i know) to get out of this situation after only a year & 1/2 - others remain in it for many more years than I have. And they are just as degraded and humiliated as I have been.

 

One website I was on trying to educate myself, trying to understand, said exactly that. People will not understand how a woman, even a highly intelligent one, could allow this to happen to her, that it is near impossible to break free from, because the victim is too weak and their abuser won't let them go.

 

I post what I go through to document it for myself, so I can remember, and also to get feedback like you've left for me. I do NOT think clearly when it comes to him. I do not make rational choices or decisions. This is his creation - kinda of like the boiling frog theory. I've become used to this treatment - and so I accept it as my reality. Yes, it is disgusting - what he does to me, what happens to me, what I tolerate on an almost daily basis. He is an abuser - and a darn good one. Trust me, I value your input - even if it is harsh, that just may be what I need.

 

Temp

[temperamental_taurus]

I want to include this quote from a book called "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisted"

 

The most terrifying thing to learn is how completely normal they look and act, at first. It's easy to fall into their trap and getting out is nearly impossible.

 

Perhaps this sheds some light on my situation. It's not an excuse, just a reality of my life.

[saltwatergirl]

Im glad that you responded...I wasnt going to post anymore, but you know, every time you say that you are "controlled" or that you "have no control over it", you reinforce that thought. Im not going to debate any pop psychology theories with you here, but I will say this. You are perfectly capable of walking away from this person. You are not fearing for your life, or your childrens lives, you are not financially dependent, you are not held captive. You are CHOOSING to allow this person in your life irregardless of how you are treated. Why is that?---With that question, the focus is put on YOU not HIM. Not why he does this, but WHY YOU FEED OFF OF IT. Because that's what you're doing.

 

We remain in situations that we get something out of. What is the payoff for you? What need are you meeting by staying and allowing yourself to be done this way? You should ask yourself those questions. Somewhere, somehow, this is doing something for you, and in some weird twisted way, you're getting a payoff (reward) otherwise, you would not do it.

 

Instead of researching his condition on the net, start researching yours. Figure out what need is being met, what hunger is being fed, by this person. Then when you get that realized, go to work on getting it met another way. it starts with yourself. Not him.

 

I can also sense that you enjoy the 'victim' role. Have you felt this way before, ever? When? Under what circumstance? What did you get out of it? Attention? Do you go through "pain" as a victim does in order to avoid the very real pain of some other facet of your life? Past or present? What is it that you are not dealing with?

 

Just some random, probably meaningless thoughts.

But worth thinking about.

 

PS: If you are involved in a dominant/submissive sexual relationship with him (BDSM, role-play, etc), I'd disengage. It's gone too far and you're lost in it.

 

Salt

[Hope75]

Hi Temp,

 

Welcome back.

 

I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough time right now.

 

I always think back to that question someone asked you when I read stuff like what he's done to you, "What is it about the way he treats you that you love?" Remember when you couldn't come up with an answer, and that surprised you and helped keep you strong?

 

You mentioned that you feel weak when it comes to him, but I want to point something out to you He only has as much power over you as you choose to give him.[/b] Salt is upset with you and frustrated and I can see why, you are choosing to allow him to treat you this way and by allowing that you reinforce his behaviour and let him know that it's perfectly acceptable to treat you this way because you are more than willing to take it.

 

You certainly deserve more, and some short, fat, dumpy, unattractive guy who treats you like dirt shouldn't have any power over you.

 

You have to change your mindset and know that you can walk away from him and yes it will be tough and yes you will be lonely sometimes but it's so much better than allowing yourself to be victimized by someone who clearly doesn't love you.

 

Someone who loved you would never treat you this way.

 

You mentioned that all you learned from this is that abusers and people like D never change, well that is a valuable lesson to know, and if you can take that information and use it to your advantage (as in NEVER giving him another chance!), your terrible experience will not be in vain.

 

Believe it or not you do deserve more, and you won't give yourself that chance until you stop accepting treatment like D has given you.

 

Personally after the nasty things he has said and done to you within the last few days that would be more than enough to reinforce for me why I would never go back to him--ever.

 

Stay strong girl!

[temperamental_taurus]

Thanks both of you, I know how frustrating all of this is. Trust me, I, more than anyone know. You said to research myself Salt, and I did just that. Why do women stay in/ go back to abusive relationships. The answer: Stockholm Syndrome. Victims even after they are out of the situation will still defend, go back to and cover for their abuser.

 

I called Chrysalis today - it's an abused woman's counseling service. Usually it is for physically abused women, so I'm not sure if I will qualitfy for their program or not. But I figured anything's better than nothing at this point.

 

No, I have never been a victim in anything. I think that I do have an issue with abandonment though, stemming from being dropped off at a very NAIVE & sheltered age of 15 to a upscale college prep school in MA - thousands of miles away from any family. I still have nightmares about that and remember the depths of depression I fell into being separated from my loved ones. From this I think I must be doing ANYTHING not to be alone - yet I love my alone time, so what gives?

 

I'm determined though, I found a forum that is filled with people who have gone through and are experiencing the same things I am. I'm realizing that this abuse is not just particular to my and D's situation, but that it is predictible throughout any relationship with a person with D's personality disorder. I'm not alone in the things I have let myself suffer through. They insist that NC is the absolute and only way to escape from this situation. I think I'm ready.

 

I fully agree with you, Hope - after the past 2 weeks, the things that he's done to me are pretty much unforgiveable. I'm actually starting to feel anger, just a little bit. I'm not sad, I'm not hurt. But I want out.

[Hope75]

How are you doing today, temp?

[temperamental_taurus]

Hi Hope - I'm doing great!

 

I wanted to share with you some of the things I have learned. 100% without a doubt D has NPD "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". The reason WHY I fell in love with him is because they are experts at "mirroring" - definition: During the beginning phase of the relationship, they display back to you everything that you give them. If you are a funny, loving, caring, upbeat person; those qualities will be presented back to you - allowing you to think that WOW we have so much in common etc etc etc -in essense - you fall in love with the type of person YOU are... and if you're a good person, that's easy to love.

 

Their victims are called "targets" - we are actually CHOSEN by them.

 

After they have you hooked, the mirroring stops. You are rejected, insulted, cut down, demeaned - because they were so wonderful the "target" wonders what we did to cause this sudden change in their partner. We try and change, compromise, do whatever it takes to get that person we first met back. This is called "the dance". Unfortunately, that person never existed in the first place. They are skillfully deceptive, self-serving, incapable of true emotion, they will back-stabbed, lie, isolate, control. They will abuse substances - any substance, and encourage you to follow suit.

 

They manipulate, have poor impulse control, are suspicious and accusatory. They blame you for everything that has gone wrong, they will never admit anything is THEIR fault because to do that would be admitting they are not PERFECT. Their expectations of you are so great, they can not be filled. They lack empathy, they are devoid of emotion.

 

They will rage at their target - called Projection. When they say we are bad, unworthy, the reason everything is going wrong, etc - they are essential blaming everything on the victim that THEY THEMSELVES are. They can not accept, not will ever accept that anything is wrong with them.

 

The next step is called D&D: "Devalue & Discard" - they will break their victim down (Devalue) until there is nothing left of their self-respect, dignity etc.

 

Eventually, the victims may "see" them for who they truly are - this is the stage I have been in lately with D.

THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious. He'll be back for more.

 

And when it no longer becomes fun, they discard their victim without a second thought - for a new "target". See attached email from D:

 

I'm so proud of the way I dumped you! F**** you in the "butt" and sent you packin'!!! Slapped your "butt" down when you text msg'd me being all lame... YAY ME!!!

 

Needless to say, I was the one who walked out on HIM but a warped perception of reality is one of their traits. He will never believe it was I who essentially left HIM that day.

 

I am completing day 3 of absolutely strict NO CONTACT. I had first thought I was just dealing with alcoholism, which can be cured, with help they can stop. I had always maintained hope that he'd be different, or COULD be different if he got that under control - but with D, the substance abuse is just PART of his mental illness. There is NO CURE for personality disorders - there is no cure for NPD - period. There is no hope of him ever changing - he will always be a narcissist, and knowing that, I am able to maintain NC, and WILL FOREVER. He is mentally ill, there is no hope. Clinically proven that no amount of drugs, therapy, prayer, tears - whatever - will help the situation. He is what he is... And because of that, I am walking away from it all.

 

I am not hurting anymore, Hope. I am so much more educated than I was 4 days ago. They say that it is nearly impossible for a victim to leave their narcissist. Well, I'm out to prove them wrong. I'm hoping that I have upset his fragile self-image so much that he doesn't WANT to return to me. Either way, I'm not going back. EVER. The only way to ensure that it is over forever - is strict NO CONTACT. This forum that I found is actually therapist recommended. There are so many people there - living it every day like I have. They understand. I have finally found a place where I can begin to heal. Thank God for that because this has been such a crazy ride... but such is the way with Narcissists.

 

And if anyone reading this can relate to anything I've said here, understand it is NOT YOUR FAULT. NC is the only way to truly end it. They can not change. They will be this way with every other person who enters their lives. People are OBJECTS to them... They are incapable of love. No, you won't be the one to change them... you are NOT SPECIAL to them even though they try to make you believe that you are. My best advice, educate yourself. I thank God I did... and am now able to start my way into recovery.

 

*hugs* to everyone

 

-Temp

[Hope75]

Wow girl!

 

Knowledge is power!

 

Those things you describe sound exactly like D... and I think it's good you can use what you have learned to stay strong and stay away from him. You are right in that guys like this rarely change.... and the only way for a positive change is to LEAVE HIM BEHIND and be happy and satisfied with your own life.

 

You are a very strong woman and I have no doubt you will be able to keep clear of him. Don't let him get to you with phone calls or emails, texts.... just delete them, erase them, don't read them or listen to them, you don't need to hear what he has to say.

 

All it chalks up to is, "blah, blah, blah, I'm a big fat jerk who treated you poorly..."

 

Stay strong! And keep us updated.

 

((HUGS))