I don't get turned on...

[northernlights]

I've always wondered if I was born with less of a sexual drive than other people or something, because so far, no guy has been able to turn me on during intimate settings. (I do know I like guys and not girls though, so that's not the problem here)

 

I can develop feelings for guys, and I like cuddling/etc. but when things start getting sexual I'm just completely lost. Usually, the guy is all ready to go, and I just kind of go along with him even though I'm never "in the mood". I haven't had vaginal sex yet, but I have done oral sex (though never received it

 

It's not like I don't feel horny sometimes though. It's just that I never feel it about the guy I'm with (or any other person...it just kind of hits me randomly)

 

This bugs me because it seems that you can't have a relationship devoid of sexual intimacy (try telling a guy he can date you and be your boyfriend as long as he keeps his pants on...hah!), and yet I don't enjoy sexual intimacy. Is anyone else out there like me? Friends say maybe I haven't found the right man to turn me on yet, but I have met a few very attractive men before who never turned me on.

 

On an additional note, I also find kissing/making out boring instead of sexy or stimulating. Ahh what is wrong with my sexual drive??

[Tigris]

It sounds to me as though you are doing all the giving. You need someone to do oral to you. Or try the 69 position.

 

It's probably not your fault that you don't feel right, it's theirs for not doing their job properly!

 

Let me know how you get on.

 

Good luck.

[brando]

maybe you are not ready yet. Im not asking you to share but think about what goes through your mind during an intimate session with a guy. Something may be holding you back.

 

Unlike Tigris wrote it isn't their fault either. You need to be comortable with yourself first before being comfortable with somone else, this is on a sexual, emotional and social level.

 

Maybe a sex therapist or a therapist could help. I know you are still young, but talking to a professional may help.

[shes2smart]

You might also want to discuss it with your gyno when you go for your annual Pap smear. Best to rule out easily treatable medical causes before you go traipsing through the psychological minefield

[NJRon]

Despite what some people may say, there is no "normal" sex drive. What is normal for you is normal for you and can't be compared to what is normal for others. I'm going to assume that you don't have an physical trouble reaching orgasm on your own... if you do, you may want to read up on it some or see a doctor.

 

That aside, it just seems like it's not that important to you right now and that, perhaps, you aren't feeling the spark with the guys you are with. It sounds from your post as if you feel some pressure to have sex... that it's an obligation you have to a guy for him to like you. That can really negatively affect your sex drive. Also, if you are doing only the giving and not any getting, then you aren't experiencing shared intimacy... I couldn't handle not giving back... you should be with people that want to please you.

 

Sexual compatibility is not necessarily about having great sex all the time... it's about finding someone who has the same comfort level concerning sex as you do.

 

By the way, people can have fulfilling relationships without sexual intimacy... look up 'asexual' on the net. There are many people that share the same outlook ... some permanently, some for periods of time throughout their life. An asexual group may give you the support you are looking for. Just try to avoid labelling yourself and fighting to fit a particular mold. You are who you are and you also change over time.

[SimoneTiger]

Have you tried doing anything sexual with a girl? It seems to me that might be the simplest solution...

[sweetheart4ever]

True!

 

Girls are more givers..maybe that would work

 

PLUS

 

A girl will know your body better n know what to do better.

[Lexicon85]

It's not about whether the guy is attractive... Believe me, it used to torture me that the man who I was dating, who was physically my dream, would never turn me on, though others mysteriously would be able to. Good chemistry is exceedingly rare, and will likely not be found in the person you want to be with. However, getting extremely excited is not necessary. Sexual activity can be very enjoyable for emotional reasons. Personally, I love the intimacy of getting to know another person's body; it is very meaningful. I love looking at bodies, and touching them, and smelling them. I love how it feels psychologically to be underneath someone's weight, and also the power I feel when I'm the one pinning him. I love doing something well. Even though I rarely get excited enough to come with a man, I get such a thrill from everything else that the men are always blown away, the best they've had. I say, if you're frustrated with your body, you might be interested in relinquishing that "need" to be "turned on," forget about your clit, and enjoy how it feels to touch and kiss someone, and be touched and kissed. Stop worrying about being turned on (surprisingly, the one thing that might help you actually be turned on one of these days). And, of-course, there are certainly men out there (though hard to find at our age, especially) who have just as low of a sex drive as you do. And, if you want to swing that way, women. Though I just made a speech about how sexual activity can be enjoyable, I completely agree with you in that I don't find it necessary in any way to my happiness. Even as someone who does enjoy sexual activity, I promise you- you don't need to feel bad or like you're missing out on something vital to happiness.

[Shadows Light]

Agree with Tigris... you are on the giving end and not recieving. Not allowing your body to follow natures course.

 

Giving oral but never gotten it back..OMG Girlfriend you are definitely in for a NICE NICE surprise... sssshhhh... 8) Giving it... is nice... very nice.. its a different type of rush... Getting it... If you don't get off getting it!!! he's doing something wrong. Its mega mega rush.

 

No...Vaginal Intercourse...either...hmmm.

 

Well here's the question... you get bored making out... ok.. is it the type of bored thats like "been there done that.." I want MORE. or is it just the type of "bored" that says... ehhh boring, don't want more...there's no WANT or desire for anything else???

 

OK... so maybe you haven't met the right person. Or the chemistry is not right.

 

From personal experience... I lost my virginity at age 18 and was not "emotionally or mentally" ready for a physical relationship...body was... mind was not. Maybe this is the case for you. Looking back on my situation.. it was also the WRONG person. Had it been the right person he'd have knocked my socks off.

 

Try being on the recieving end of things for a change..and see how you like that.

 

You are only 19... don't worry about "drive" at this point or labeling yourself as "A Sexual".... its posible but time will tell. You could just be a late bloomer. I was.

 

 

[northernlights]

Wow, thanks everyone for your awesome replies! It's so hard to find people to discuss this with in my circle of friends, since the guys don't really understand me ("we're ALWAYS turned on!" they say) and the girls get embarrassed talking about it.

 

Well, looks like I really have to try some receiving one day. A few girls have told me that oral stimulation is simply amazing, but my ex never really got to that point with me.

 

It's also reassuring to know that there may be some men out there who aren't entirely driven by their testoterone! (Although my friend just told me last night that he thinks about sex all the time...)

 

But my situation isn't getting any better. A particularly fine looking classmate just told me yesterday that he likes me, and then we made out, but once again, I just didn't get turned on. It was as boring as all the other times I have been with guys. Now I'm dreading seeing him again when I get back to campus, because I know we'll get to that making out point and then I'll just feel horribly uncomfortable when that happens. I can't even imagine feeling that way every day for the next three weeks that I'm in this summer school with that guy...

 

Oh, and in response to your comments:

 

Shadows Light - My version of being bored during making out is your latter example. The "okay I'm bored and I don't want more" kind of thing. Usually I'm making out with the guy and trying to enjoy it, but my mind wanders to other things such as "when is this going to be over", "should I be enjoying this?" and "I wonder what's for dinner". I really do try to enjoy it, but I just can't!

 

SimoneTiger and sweetheart4ever - I've thought about trying stuff with girls because with the occasional erotic video I watch, the girls turn me on more than the guys. But at the same time, I'm just not attracted to girls emotionally. So basically, emotionally and physically (as in checking them out) I like guys, but I sexually I'm turned on by girls. I don't understand it myself.

[Vert]

Hmmm... sexually turned on by women but like the emotional attachment to men? Bi-sexual perhaps? A very interesting post there...

[Lexicon85]

Really! I'm sexually turned on by men but emotionally turned on by women. Wanna swap?

[Lexicon85]

Maybe the guys you are with are boring lovers. Do you just lie there and kiss? Maybe you need a very, very... er... aggressive guy to keep it moving and passionate, pulling you around, pushing you down, and doing it fast! That's fine! Some guys just want to lie there and give soft gentle kisses and then... whoo... my mind starts wandering, too.

[northernlights]

Really! I'm sexually turned on by men but emotionally turned on by women. Wanna swap?

 

Oh yes, let's switch, please! Haha. If only we could really do that, we'd be the two perfect sex machines!

 

But at least it's nice to know that there's someone else out there who is emotionally and sexually turned on by different genders!!

 

Maybe the guys you are with are boring lovers.

 

Hmm...well, I've made out with some very different guys. My ex-boyfriend was a pretty sweet guy who liked to kiss a lot, and I guess I kind of liked it when he kissed my neck though he didn't do it half enough to get me turned on. Yet this current guy that I'm half with is a complete chauvinistic animal. He shoves his tongue down my throat (UGH) and treats my nipples like water faucets. So I guess real rough doesn't really get me turned on either.

 

Now that I think about it though, I enjoyed making out with my ex a little more than I did making out with this current guy who I have no feelings for whatsoever (beyond his amazing looks, that is), so attraction and emotional attachment probably contributes a lot to making out too. Guess I gotta keep looking for that guy who I'm crazy about to turn me on...

 

Hmmm... sexually turned on by women but like the emotional attachment to men? Bi-sexual perhaps? A very interesting post there...

 

Hmm I never thought of myself as bisexual. Does that apply even if I'm not emotionally attracted to girls at all? As in, if I were to become sexually involved with a girl, I still would not want to kiss her. Doing anything else with her sexually might turn me on, but I have a feeling that kissing her would just kill the drive for me. So what would that mean then? Weeird...

[Vert]

Hmm I never thought of myself as bisexual. Does that apply even if I'm not emotionally attracted to girls at all? As in, if I were to become sexually involved with a girl, I still would not want to kiss her. Doing anything else with her sexually might turn me on, but I have a feeling that kissing her would just kill the drive for me. So what would that mean then? Weeird...

 

Umm, yes, if you're having sexual thoughts and desires for the same sex while also enjoying the opposite sex then you are definitely bi-sexual if not bi-curious in the least. You say you don't want to kiss a girl (you equate kissing with emotional attachment then, yes?) yet you'd have sexual contact with her otherwise? I don't think it's a horrible thing, but I would definitley say you are bi as of now (considering what you said and how you feel about sex with a woman).