Speak out or shut up!!?? She doesn't get it.

[babysteps]

I have a friend who is married to an alcoholic. He has made promises of changing, but there has been little/no effort. He hasn't been able to keep a job, so she is stressed financially. She told me that she caught him cheating (later she said it was an inappropriate friendship). She has a child (I will call Suzy) from a previous relationship who is repeatedly sent to other people's houses whenever he relapses. When he drinks, he always is asking, "where is Suzy?" That concerns me. And now Suzy's father is giving up his rights, so her husband can adopt her. I have always thought that her husband was mean to Suzy and did not allow her to be a kid, but now I am worried. My friend's father was/is an alcoholic, and her parents are divorced, so I thought that her childhood would play a role in her decision making. I want to say something; however, some of my information/details came from a mutual friend, and I don't want to cause any problems. All three of us have been friends for about 20 years. Do I try to talk to her or do I keep out of it?

[sweetheart4ever]

TALK TO HER! Dont let him ruin her life and her daughters, say you dont say anything, youll feel guilty and then what if he hurts them both. you have to help her somehow. and if she doesnt listen you cant just say "I told you so" when he does something, you have to step in and help her, dont back down fight for what you believe in and what will help your friend and her daughter.

[DN]

Talk to her but don't expect her to listen. Does she have family that you could also get to talk to her?

 

You could also suggest AlAnon

[confusedashell]

My mother is an alcholic. For YEARS we've been trying to make her sort herself out. She destroyed the whole household with her drinking. There are three types of drunks:

1. The happy go lucky type who is the life and soul of the party.

2. The guy who falls asleep

3. The person who turns into a paranoid, vicious, evil MONSTER.

 

My mother is nr. 3.

When shed start drinking, which was usually every two or three days, it'd be HELL. You'd get abuse for NOTHING. All my life growing up she put us down, blamed us for everything, screamed, screamed, screamed. broke things. It was HELL. I hated every minute of it. Any time I did get the courage to tell her to get herself together and get some PROFESSIONAL HELP shed tell me that I was making it all up and that she hadnt drunk in ages. Shed hide her bottles, when i found them shed claim they were there since last xmas. yeah, right. She would rive us back from school drunk as hell.

Now, I come from a very respectable family. My father is a very successful business man and my family are wealthy. No no "sterotypes". But she was out of control. To this day she is still like that and doesnt understand why my father left her after almost 25 years of marriage. He just couldnt put up with the constant abuse, screaming, nagging, blame. He just left. I dont blame him and when my mother calls me crying, i really cant comfort her. Because I feel like saying "blame yourself".

 

They dont listen to talk. Only to action.

[phishgirl]

It's not surprising that she chose an alcoholic to marry, since her father is one. All of it typically comes down to seeking acceptance from her father, who most likely neglected her as a child. Now her husband is doing this with Suzy. Your friend feels loved by her alcoholic husband, who indirectly is the replacement for the love of her father she never got, likely.

 

Her excuses put her further and further in denial about her cyclical situation, and Suzy is influenced by this, no matter what her age.

 

Please STRONGLY advise your friend to seek counseling if she can, through her insurance or a community health center. She needs to be made aware of her role as the enabler of the situation. Talk to her, let her know your concern, and the impact of the situation on her daughter, fast.

[HaloDestroyer]

Why do you even need to ask this question?

 

I understand your confusion, but it is morally WRONG to stand by and allow a child's life to be ruined through actions which you *may* be able to prevent.

 

Sacrifice your friendship for the well-being of the girl.

 

You might not even need to do that. Your friend might see sense, and nothing bad will come of just talking to her.

 

XxX-Ben-xXx

[suprema99]

What is the question exactly? Very confusing. are you worried cause your friends father is an alcaholic, and she's currently married to an alcaholic? Or are you worried about the kid 'suzy'?? Liike Dn said don't expect miracles, she's been making her own desicions for awhile. I would tell her your worried about the kid and see what her take is on it. She may have to try to take care of this girl on her own if at all possible.

[melrich]

You have to play it carefully. Trying to talk her out of the relationship is likely to drive her further into it, that's just the way people react, they don't like being told what to do. Take a supportive position, be subtle and suggest counselling.