when to move on ?

[Avi]

i asked my bf to commit seriously... we've known each other for 11 yrs.. he had proposed last yr but things didn't work out at that time. later when i asked him he said he needed time. i agreed & we continued being friends.

 

itz been 20 days since i asked him to commit... havn't heard anything from him. what shd i do now... how long shd i wait ? he's imp to me & i'd hav him in my life even as a friend. & his silence is driving me crazy.

[DN]

Why didn't things work out last year? Who was the one with the problem then?

[Caterina]

Move on. HOw unromantic to have to chase down a guy for his love. Don't you want someone who wants you? I know you do. We all have had to put up with this, but its undignifying and if things went perfectly, we'd dump the guy as quickly as possible. Try to forget him...even if it takes time and pain, try. Get someone's help to do it.

[loveydovey]

I know I may be over-reading or under-reading, but when you say, bf, do you mean your boyfriend or your best friend of 11 years who is a male? If he's your boyfriend, are you two taking a break from one another and that is the reason you haven't heard from him?

 

But if this is a simple thing of you waiting on some form of confirmation from him before you decide to move on and forget about him, then I agree with Caterina--try everything in your power to stop worrying about what he wants to do next.

 

HTH!

[shes2smart]

11 years is plenty of time for someone to figure out if they want to: 1. be married and 2. be married to you. I'm making the assumption that this 11 years started when you were late teens (at the youngest) or older than that.

 

Do you want to be married? Do you want to have children? If the answer to those questions is yes, I suspect you may not get those things with this guy. What happened with the proposal last year? How come there's been no reschduling? How much more time does someone need? Another decade?

 

If you want to have children, then time is a huge factor for you here. Once you get into your 30's it becomes more difficult to get pregnant. Not impossible, but definitely more difficult. Once you get into your 40's even moreso.

 

My suggestion to you is to figure out what you want: marriage? children? Once you have that figured out, have a talk with him about what his relationship goals are. If you are in agreement on goals (like: you both want to be married to each other, you both want kids) then start working on a timeline.

 

If you are not in agreement on relationship goals (you want to get married and he doesn't or he "doesn't know") then you need to figure out if you are willing to sacrifice your own goals to stay with him, or if you'd rather find someone else whose goals better match your own. Keep in mind that if you do sacrifice your goals -- especially goals regarding children -- there is a very good chance you will come to resent him for that later because you may start feeling like you've missed out.

 

Incidentally, if you know you want to get married and he doesn't want to get married that's a pretty clear-cut choice. If he gives you an "I don't know"....IMO, that's worse. When I was single, dating, and knew I was ready to get married, the ones who claimed they "didn't know" if they wanted to get married were more than happy to waste my time and delay me from getting to my own goals while they puttered around not making up their mind. I'd run faster from an "I don't know" than a flat-out "no, I don't want to get married." At least with the "No" guy, I knew where I stood and could enjoy whatever interaction/conversation for what it was, knowing there was nothing more there. The "I don't know"s.....ugh....

[sorryJason]

My suggestion is to get to know him better, does he have a stable job, is he doing ok in his life, if he is an honest and nice guy, he may just have some problems that he has to work out before he will marry you.

 

I am speaking from experience, I dated my ex for 6 years and we never got married, I always make jokes about it, (which now I realize was mean) and I even was so close to asking, but I quit my job, due to injury and things in my life started going bad. I don't know if women understand, that for a guy to ask you to marry him is a big decision for a lot of men. It doesn't just have to do with love, we want to provide for you, we want to give you the wedding you are always talking about, we want to give you the perfect honeymoon, we want to get you that perfect ring, and when sometimes our lives wont allow those things we tend to push marriage away.

 

So my advice to you is to look at him and his life, maybe he is scared of commitment? Maybe his mom and dad have a terrible relationship and he is scared of that, the thing is you never know, I am sure he really loves you, but there is just some obstacle that you can't see that is preventing him from asking you, don't assume that he just doesn't want to be with you. I know for me, I really wanted to marry my ex, but like I said I couldn't give her the things I wanted to. But in the end, and maybe you can help you b/f see this, if you really love someone, you can't let those other things get in the way of being happy together forever.

 

P.S. maybe you two could go to couples conselling and that might help the situation?! Hope this helps a bit.

[Avi]

we both r 28. i love him. he too said he loves me.. we've been through a lot in these 11 yrs.. have fought with each other, sometimes very bitterly, stopped talking, been out with other people, but somehow always got back together after apologising. he's always been like this-when i ask him to do something he'd immediately resist & when i've given up or forgotten abt the thing he would do it one day & expect appreciation for it !

 

i've no idea whatz going on in his life at present. he did tell me once that he is having problem with his parents & that he did talk about me with them. now he's been silent again... & it feels that he doesn't even care about what i asked for or said. i'm not desperate & don't wanna be clingy , but he is imp to me & even if he's unable to give me what i asked for i'd love to have him as my friend in my life. but his shut down has filled me with mixed feelings of sadness, anger , frustration. maybe he is trying to do his best or maybe he's not interested.. problem is i don't know what to do now... how long do i wait for him. shall i tell him that his silence is bothering me & i'd appreciate an honest answer ? but common sense tells me that i shd leave him alone , if he wants to be with me, he'll come back. any suggestions ???

[Avi]

another thing i wanted to ask- how do i make him see that there will always be some issues in life.. they shd not hav anything to do with marriage when u've found the one u want.

& parents too can be convinced if we try hard & sincerely enough.. afterall they only want the best for us.

 

i want him to at least discuss with me whatz stopping him & tell me what he wants.

but he's one of those tough, macho guys who'll go to any lengths to show that they don't care even if they r bleeding inside. & i've noticed whenevr he's discussed abt marriage or love he's done so when i've not been expecting anythng like that, in a very casual manner as if its not a big deal. is he scared of being open.

 

he is out of town & the only way i can communicate to him at present is through e-mail.

[shes2smart]

One of the things that is vitally necessary for a healthy relationship is communication. In your posts you describe him as having shut down. Unfortunately, none of us can make another person do anything.

 

I understand you have a long time invested in this relationship, however, it really sounds to me like he doesn't want to get married and/or doesn't want to get married to you. It is not your job to deal with his "issues" whether they be with his parents or his lack of communication or fear of commitment or whatever they may be. Dealing with those things is HIS responsibility, and he also has the choice to NOT deal with them if that's what he wants.

 

The only thing any of us can control is our own thoughts and behaviors. At this point, you may want to consider some other options. It takes two to make a relationship work, and it doesn't sound like he's carrying his share of the weight.

 

Again, I think your best course of action is to figure out what YOU want, then let him know what you want --- without nagging, demanding, whining, etc. --- and ask him what he wants & listen closely to any answer he gives and see if your relationship goals match. You need to state what you want in as neutral, and matter-of-fact a way as possible. If what he wants doesn't match up to what you want or if he will not tell you what he wants...well, if it was me, I'd be out the door because sticking around would be more frustration. I'd treat no response or an "I don't know" as a mismatch.

 

My husband was beyond broke when I met him. He was working an $8/hour job (most of that was going to his ex-wife) and living with his grandmother. Yet he KNEW within the first 5 minutes of our first date he HAD TO be with me. He proposed a week later. Point here is this: If a guy wants to be married/married to you, he will find a way to make it happen. If he doesn't, he will find endless excuses to make sure it doesn't happen.

 

You've already waited a long time for this guy. You say that it doesn't even feel like he cares about you. When are you going to give YOUR goals some priority here?