Phone sex....it ended our relationship.

[simply_lost]

Hi,

 

Yesterday, I broke up with my boyfriend because I found out last week that he had been looking for phone sex on one of those phone dating lines. I am heartbroken beyond belief.

 

In addition to my finding out about that, he lied and lied and lied to get himself out of the situation and I learned all about it. I feel so betrayed, so sad, and so angry. I loved him and he said that he loved me, but there is no way that I could ever trust him again. I thought all weekend about whether or not this could be salvagable, and I realized that if I tried to take him back I would always wonder what he is doing, who he's with, whether he's lying to me. I just can't live like that.

 

Some people might wonder why I placed my story in the infidelity category since (as far as I know) he never actually slept with someone else. It's because bringing other people into a relationship like that IS CHEATING. It takes away all trust and builds a wall between the people. I don't even see him the same way anymore. I can't even look at him. He took something that was wonderful and precious and turned it into something ugly and disgusting.

 

The act, the lying about it....everything.....it's completely ruined a relationship that made me so happy. He was happy too...he said that he started doing it again a few weeks ago....and that he doesn't know if he's addicted or what...That's all I needed to hear "ADDICTED" and I ended it right there. Who needs to be in that kind of relationship constantly wondering if it will get worse and escalate into something even more disgusting?

 

Now, I'm sad beyond belief and I wish everything could be the way it was before, but I know that it can't. I just don't know how I will ever truly trust again. I've lost something now and I just don't know how I will ever get that part of myself back.

 

Simply Lost

[speedracer780]

Good to see you can stick around when the going gets tough. The guy talked into a telephone and even admited he needs help. Real supportive...

[Heretic]

I'm truly sorry to hear that, but if you can't deal with the phone sex you've done the right thing. You can't expect someone to completely change for you.

 

I'm sorry you lost him but there will be others who will respect your wishes.

 

Good Luck.

[MR]

I know you're hurting but I have to agree with the poster above. Love takes work and things like this WILL happen. Maybe spend some time 'getting to know him' again.

If it's real love, it'll be worth it. Promise!

[faeriechyld]

You did the right thing. A person has to desire to change on their own. Just saying they need help isn't enough. If he truly loves you and thinks you are worth it, he will get help and then it's up to you if you forgive him for it. Too many people hang around in a relationship being "supportive" in hopes the person they love will finally fix a problem in their life. And no I don't mean they stick around trying to change them. I mean like drug addictions, alcoholism, and this guy used the word addiction, not you. Yes he has admitted the problem, but you did the right thing by not sticking around in hopes he'll fix it. Besides, leaving him will either do one of two things, give him the motivation to get help, or prove that he really doesn't see it as a problem in the first place; it was just him saying he needs help as a line to try to get you back. Move on girl, if it was meant to be, you will come back to each other.

[Leo_panda]

I know it probbably feels like you can never trust anyone again. And it feels like love is something that you'll never ever allow yourself to fall into with another person. Everything you had for them seems to consume you and when it doesn't work out you are in pain. Pain so bad you cannot let yourself get hurt again. But love is bigger than that. When you stop searching for answers is when they will find you.

 

True Love trancendes all boundaries.

 

LeoPanda

[speedracer780]

In my earlier post I was not saying that you should stick around and be a chump. However if you talk to elderly people who have been together 50+ years they will all tell you there were times that they had to get through that were tough and needed the support of the other half. Now if he doesn't change then you should go. But to leave without even trying is pretty selfish and heartless. True love supports. Why do you think vows include "for better or for worse.." You only know how to be there through better...

[faeriechyld]

I read your earlier post about before he finally came forward with the truth. I know you are not a kid, but you are still young and have plenty of time to find a guy who is not going to lie to you. And I was wondering if you could clarify something, you said that your boyfriend said he wasn't sure if it was an addiction or not. Did he ever even mention getting help or was that just inferred by people responding. When I reread your post and read your earlier one, I didn't see a mention that he actually said he wanted to get help, just that he wasn't sure if it was "an addiction or what." I don't think he plans to get help and as I read in your earlier post, you are unsure even to consider him a boyfriend, as you put it in quotations. I don't think you are selfish, I think you are sticking up for yourself. Look at it simply, he not only did something you saw as cheating, he also lied about it. Honesty is important in a relationship just as support is. But how can you support someone you don't trust?

You need to look in your own heart, are you willing to forgive him and take him back or is it too much. Only you can decide that. We here can only give you advice from our perspective.

[speedracer780]

I agree with that...

[Heretic]

Yeah if it wasn't for the trust thing I'd be with you too speedracer. You should always try to work things out but there are limits.

 

I thought you advice was otherwise very well thought out.

[activelife81]

i fully agree and support your feelings...its not just "a phone conversation"...its an indication of lack of respect, love and committment. i think you made the right choice. majority doesnt rule

[cruisin]

simply_lost,

 

I think you did the right thing and should stick by your decision but I think that NOT because I think he did a horrible thing. It's your life, your relationship and you have to be in it with a person with the same value system as you. Now, I am assuming here that this guy knew you wouldn't be too tickled by him having phone sex. Thus the lying and trying to hide the fact.

 

The most important thing in a relationship is honesty, I'd say it's more important than trust. If you know what you're dealing with you are allowed the dignity of making a decision on how you react to their actions, beliefs, values. If things are hidden you are not given that choice.

 

I recently found out that my boyfriend had been two-timing me for months. It wasn't until he walked out that I found out. It was humiliating and disgusted me, not his deciding to leave me and not his finding someone else, but the way he did it. He wants to be "friends" he says but to me that is an impossibility. I entertained the idea but after a while, thought, "no, why would I want a friend who deceives people and enjoys it?"

 

We don't have to stick by anyone and even though some people do it doesn't make them better people. A marriage perhaps has more at stake and people may make compromises or weigh all sorts of pros and cons and figure certain factors are tolerable in light of other benefits they have from a relationship.

 

But, in your case, it's just a boyfriend. You're probably still young. There are so many people out there. Why stick around for one who doesn't even add up to much in your book. It'd make as much sense as staying with a job that didn't offer you much.

 

Besides, what was this guy going to someone else for sex for anyhow? If you're his girlfriend and you're in an exclusive relationship, then, yes, that constitutes cheating and what more it shows that there was something lacking in his feelings toward you, so you probably wouldn't have worked out anyhow. Sure, there can be rough times but these I think should be about things that are highly uncharacteristic, real flukes. You're still getting to know this guy so you have to assess the situation (and what kind of person you think he is) by everything he does, now! It won't help you to get married and find out he was this kind of guy from the start.

 

Don't be too sad about what you've lost. A person comes as a whole package and there were obviously some other things in the box that you hadn't seen yet. They came with the deal and yes, as other posters say, people don't just change. And besides, it's not our right to be trying to change people. That's a big lesson I'm finally learning. Let the guy go and he can find someone who's into this as well. You can find someone like yourself who's not. That's true support. If you're being "supportive" of someone who's trying to change to please you, then you're not truly being supportive of that person, you're being supportive of your attempts to change them only.