Whose responsiblity is it to break NC?-and is it too late?

[phishgirl]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years almost a month ago. (please bear with me through the long post!)

 

Background: (see my other posts) I'd been feeling trapped in the relationship due to his judgmental criticism about my work friends (whom I liked), who he felt were trying to break us up. In addition, I was no longer sexually attracted to him for months due to my resentment of his control with my social life (though he is an attractive person). However, he is the most considerate, affectionate, family-oriented person I've ever met, which I found very attractive-he is the marrying type, and not afraid of commitment. I know he has insecurities about guys hitting on me when I go out with my work friends, (which I believe is why he had become so controlling).

 

I'm 24, he's 30, and I felt too naive and immature for the relationship at times. He was insecure about my guy friends, but I was unable to communicate effectively during conflicts with him. I ultimately felt undeserving of his knowledge and maturity, and broke up with him. I told him that I felt trapped, and that I loved him but was not in love with him. This happened at my apt.-he didn't want to leave, because when he returned, he would be the "ex-boyfriend".

 

For the next few days after the breakup, he called me daily, wishing I would reconsider. He said, "This is stupid. This is a mistake." I told him I wasn't sure, and that I needed time to think about things.. this was a Thursday I'd told him at that time that I don't communicate well orally, and he suggested I write a letter. I said, "OK, then I will.". He told me the show he was watching on DVR ended in 1 hour, so I have until then to write it (jokingly).

 

I called him 6 minutes short of the "deadline" and he was on the phone with his friend 3 hours away. He called me back 20 min. later asking if I'd finished. I told him, "Yes, but I'm not sure if I want to read it to you", meaning, in the letter I'd expressed my love for him, but wasn't sure if I meant it or not. He inquired further re: the content, and I didn't divulge about its contents. Finally, he said, "Well, I guess I may or may not read it depending on whether you decide to give it to me." I was so indecisive about my decision and fearful about the choice I'd made, I wasn't sure what to do at that point.

 

He then suggested maybe I'd sort throught things better if we didn't talk until I could think clearly about my thoughts about us, and I agreed (with doubts).

 

I thought much throughout the weekend and decided we would possibly be able to work things out-so I called him on Monday and told him so. He said, "So why didn't you call me this weekend? Now I've started to heal,and it's really hard. Now I'm not sure what to do.".

 

He told me he wasn't sure whether he'd be willing to take the risk of getting back together with me, as he felt like "It says a lot about someone's character if they hurt the ones they care about so much. I feel like I don't deserve this, and I'm not sure if I can be with someone who can do this to me."

 

I accepted this and validated his hurt-that he did not deserve this, and I was sorry for hurting him so much, and that I wished I could take it all back. I inquired whether he thought there was a chance for us to work on sustaining our relationship, and he replied, "I just don't know. Maybe I'll read this letter and change my mind tomorrow. Maybe it will be a week, or a month. I just can't give you an answer. I don't think I'm ready to talk about this right now."

 

 

I became emotional and left. He told me, "You take care of yourself." I was heartbroken. He had asked me to watch his dog this weekend (before this meeting) while he went out of town, so I knew I'd talk to him by Thursday to make plans. Asked him for a "quick hug" before he left on Friday, and he gave me a tight, extended hug. Ultimately, he came to pick up the dog on Sunday and we hung out socially and without emotional flareups for a while. He told me all about his weekend, and stayed for a while, asking me for pics of our previous vacations together. I walked him out, and before leaving, he initiated a hug like the one I initiated before he left. He then told me, "Talk to you later," and left.

 

I still have his apt. key, and he has still not brought up anything about "us". I'm doing NC, as I know this will push him away.

 

He feels hurt by me and unsure of his abiltiy to regain his trust in me because of my original breakup with him.

 

Questions: Do you think we still have a chance of reconcilliation?

 

Does it have any significance that he hasn't asked for his key back yet? (he still has mine as well)

 

If so, is it my responsiblity to contact him, or his to contact me?

[RayKay]

This will be a short answer because I think this is what matters:

 

You broke up with him, ultimately I think it is your responsibility to break NC.

 

And next, considering you broke up with him, you MUST communicate with him - everything you said here, what you said in the letter.

 

Honestly, the impression I get is you do love him. However somewhere the communication fell off, and you had a problem expressing things when they first started. It may be too late, but I think it is a risk you may need to take. You need to lay it out there. I think it is the ONLY chance you have of letting him know how you feel, and giving him an opportunity to see that you are hurting too. You MUST be honest and open. You can do it by letter, but honestly I think you would be better doing it in person. I like you am better communicating by written word then orally, but in this case I really think you MUST overcome that and just go for it if he is open to it.

[DN]

Have you contacted him yet?