Jealousy and abuse

[ytrik]

I met my husband about 3 and a half years ago. We were dating long distance for about 6 months when we decided we couldnt do the long distance thing anymore and I left everything behind to live with him. I came to be with him on a 'whim and a prayer'. I trusted him to take care of me, I loved him so much. What he did was slowly whittle away my self respect and confidence that i ended up being scared, shy, nervous reck. It started with an text message from a male friend back home, saying he loved me and missed me. The entire day my he ignored me and had no idea why. That night we wnt to a party and he humiliated me in front of all his colleagues by completely ignoring me. The worst part was that people cud see there was something wrong and I didnt even know them. We had a huge fight and I apologised a hundred times. From then everytime we went out he wud accuse me of looking at other men, being attracted to them. He checked my cell phone, my bag, constantly interrogated me about my whereabouts. I wasnt allowed to go anywhere unaccompanied and if I did it was hell to pay. I had to ask permission to go to the shops or the bank. I tried to talk to him about it and he blamed me, that I couldnt be trusted. After an argument he wud say sorry and he knew the way he was acting was wrong and he'd try harder. He never did. We got married the beginning of this year and 2 months later he hit me for the first time. He happened to be drunk, big surprise. Promised never to do it again, but he did. The second time was in front of our friends. He has never 'beat me' up but I cant say he never will. Someone always stops him from inflicting further damage. He is so angry about everything and when he drinks its even worse and thats when he gets violent. We have countless argument about his drinking, but Ive given up now. Ive learnt to watch what Im saying and be extra nice when hes drunk, but on the inside Im scared stiff. I really identified with one of the other posting even though the story was much worse than mine. A lady wrote about the night her husband was drunk and driving so fast, I been there done that. My husband was so drunk, and he was fighting with me on our way home one night, he was driving at 220km. I thought I was going to die. Every time we fight I am told how stupid and childish Im. How I cant even talk properly, how confused and dumb I am. I ended having panic attacks, I used to pull out my own hair and scratch my arms till they bled. I didnt know how to deal with any of this. he fought with me constantly, thought I was cheating on him all the time.

As a result the person I was, bubbly, outgoing friendly, person has turned into a reserved, unfriendly person, who avoids making friends because it will upset my husband. I hide my sadness and depression from everyone, including my husband and sometimes even myself. I fool myself into believing that everything is fine when its not. I feel like a prisoner. I come from a poor family and as a child and teenager I didnt have much, but even now when I can afford most things, I cant enjoy any of it. I feel trapped, like a prisoner.

 

I dont knw who will respond and what you will say. I just need a place to get this stuff off my chest. Its hard to talk to anyone about any of this, cos most people will say, get out of there now. But unless u in this position u can never understand. The worst part is I feel like Im exaggerating when I tell the story, I feel almost guilty. I think to myself come on, it isnt that bad. But it is isnt it?

[RayKay]

Yes, it IS bad. And you DO need to get out of there. No one ever said it would be easy, but there ARE people who HAVE been there and have left, and so I KNOW you can do it too. You DO need to get out of there now, as you said yourself you are terrified to be with him. As you should be.

 

It does not matter if he has never yet "beat you up"...he is violent with you, and it only takes someone else not being there, or one instance for it to seriously seriously harm you and put your life in jeopardy.

 

This is not a normal way to live...we should NOT fear the ones we love, or the ones who are supposedly in love with us. The ones we spend our lives with should enrich it, not destroy our self esteem, our identity, our body.

 

You MUST leave, you MUST turn to your friends, to the professional help in your area, to the police (get a restraining order, and press charges), to abuse lines, to here, and you MUST get out of that situation. Now, as your life depends on it.

[Tigris]

I agree with RayKay, get out of there immediately!

 

All the signs were there before you were married, you just couldn't read them.

 

Your male friend at home sounds good to me.

 

Take care.

[jna35]

I agree, you definitely need to get out of there right away. No one should have to live in fear! There's lots of help available. You are not alone in this!!

[cichlid]

You poor thing! Get out of there when he isn't home...go where he doesn't know where you are. Ask for help from friends. You really need to get out of there.

[Hope75]

It is that bad, and it does not get any better. I was engaged to an living with someone for 5 years who abused me, and it started with the control, and the breaking down of my will and emotions, friendships, isolation, and finally, abuse. It's a pattern, and it only progresses. I nearly lost my life. It can and will happen to you if you stay.

 

You need to get out of there if you can. Do you have family back home that would take you in temporarily if you asked for help? How about a friend? You say he's been violent in front of others which is even more scary... he really has no limits on what he will do to you. Do you have children?

 

Here is a link to another's post with some fantastic advice and some links to abuse hotlines and websites:

 

link removed

 

and here the number for the National Domestic Abuse Hotline:

 

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

 

Please call them.

 

If you need to talk feel free to PM me and we can talk more.

 

I'm glad that you reached out here, there are some wonderful people here willing to help you if you will let them.

[DN]

link removed

 

Have a look at this page - it may help you to understand something about you and him and the situation. And why you should leave.

 

Then leave, if necessary get help, get a lawyer, get a restraining order - get whatever you need and get out.

[birdgirl]

And delete your Internet history so he can't see this post!