His ex is coming to visit

[SandyD]

Hi all... I´m seriously distraught over this and I have no one to talk to, and I´m having a hard time dealing with confused feelings. I need someone to shed some light on this for me.

 

I´ve been seeing my boyfriend since last December, but we´ve only been together officially for 4 months. He´s a great guy, but we had some problems at first because he´s so laid back and shy (as am I). The thing is... he has an ex girlfriend moving to Australia in about a month. I think she was his only serious girlfriend prior to me (and he´s almost 30, talk about a late bloomer...). They were together for 3 years, lived together, and he was very much in love with her, but things didn´t work out and they have remained very good friends, even though they live far away.

 

They broke up about a year ago. At first I thought it was cool that he was able to remain friends. And then I found out they talk at least once a month on the phone, a bit more often on msn. She is still on good terms with his family, and calls them as well.

 

Well, before she goes away, she will be coming over to visit him, and drop off her dog for him to take care of while she is in Australia (they got the dog when they were still together). And I am mortified of having this girl staying in my boyfriends house. I am pissed that I might have to look at this poor dog everyday, and know that she will one day come over again to retrieve it. That she will call all the time to know how the dog is, and it´ll be a guarantee that their relationship will continue, because, well, they have the dog in common.

 

I have an ex-boyfriend who lives overseas, and he wanted to come over to visit me and my family. We have remained good friends as well, after a 7 year relationship. He was here last year. Well, he´s not sure he wants to come over because he thinks it will be strange to see me with another guy, and it would be uncomfortable for everyone. All my friends think it wouldn´t be such a good idea either, out of respect for my boyfriend.

 

That´s what upsets me... and confuses me. Granted, I believe in friendship with exes, but they will always be your ex. You shared your life with them. It will never be a regular friendship. I don´t want my boyfriend to be so close to someone he slept with for 3 years. It´s a threat to me, as ugly as that sounds. It makes me insecure.

 

And it´s very strange to me that this girl would seriously think of coming out here to drop off her dog. We´re very far from where she is. She knows my boyfriend is in a relationship... would she seriously be comfortable meeting me? What the hell is my boyfriend thinking?

 

I don´t know how to deal with this. I almost want to break up with him because this is too much for me to handle. I think he still loves this girl, and I feel very disrespected.

[RayKay]

I only have what you just told me to go on...but I think you are reacting more out of hurt and insecurity than actual threat. And I think you are reading too much into some things.

 

I do think you have the right to request she stay in a hotel when she comes to visit, but beyond that, I think you need to put an element of trust in this situation.

 

It seems you would of been okay with your ex coming over, but he just felt he could not do it himself. Kind of a double standard in a way...and I mean that is fine your friends think that, but sometimes friends don't know everything either.

 

If he only talks to her once a month and every now on MSN, after having lived together and had a serious relationship, well, I think that is fairly normal...and it is what *friends* do.

 

Have you asked him why he is taking care of the dog? Maybe HE offered, maybe there was no one else in position to be able to and she did not want it to go to pound.

 

I mean...there is no guarantee they will remain friends...but if they do it is because they WANT TO, not because of the dog.

 

Look, they may care about each other and that is totally normal...but they have both apparently worked towards moving on. Maybe YOUR ex just is in a different position. Honestly, did you ask how your partner would feel about it...maybe HE would not see it as disrespect? I mean, I am friends with an ex of mine, and he and I talk regularly and my boyfriend is very aware of this and okay with it. Sure he has some jealousy but there is nothing I am hiding, I am completely devoted to my partner. I CARE about my ex, but am not in love with him by any means. There are many situations we are altogether, and my ex is okay seeing ME with someone else, as I am okay seeing him with someone else. If she is moved on, it may not bother her. My partner on the other hand has an ex whom is not totally "over him" though she broke it off, and CANNOT see us together even though they have been broken up for 3 years. Everyone is different.

 

I think the BEST thing you can do is communicate with your boyfriend that you feel uncomfortable with the situation and see what he says. Until you know the entire situation, I think you are just getting very worried and using your *own* experiences as HIS experiences...when they are likely different. And I think you are threatened by a friendship because you are insecure about his own feelings for you. If you have only been dating a short while, things take time to develop, she will always be a part of his life/past...but he is CREATING a future with you right now, right?

 

I mean if you want to break up with him over this that's your choice...though from what you have said I am still not sure *why* exactly you would be...if you have a great relationship and he is a great guy...

 

But it is your choice of course.

[jna35]

RayKay has great insight and I couldn't have said it better myself! Also, you said they got the dog while they were together, so perhaps he loves this dog. I know I would miss my pooch terribly if I didn't have her around and would definitely want to care for her. Just a thought. Talk to your boyfriend and share your feelings. Don't let your insecurities ruin a good thing.

[Tigris]

I agree with what the others are saying.

 

If you're worried about her sleeping at his place why don't you sleep with him. That's one way of protecting your interests and getting rid of your insecurities!

 

Finally, if she's moving to Australia I don't understand why you're worried?

 

The dog will miss her terribly so please befriend it. If you have problems with it just post a message and I'll be willing to give advice. I have 2 dogs of my own and voluntary experience with the Guide Dogs for the Blind Association as a Puppy Walker.

 

Hope you solve your problem.

[DN]

If they only talk once a month and occasionally on msn - I don't think you have a thing to worry about.

[Hope75]

Can you stay with your bf while she in there?

 

Would that make you feel better?

 

I agree with others that I don't think she is as much of a threat as you do, though it would be nicer if you got to stay there at the same time she does.

 

Than you can see her face to face, see the way they act around one another, and know for sure if you really have something to worry about.

[Cecelius]

Invite him to stay with you while she is there.

 

Some things are not a big deal, but your current b/f having opposite sex sleepover guests who are not his sisters is quasi questionable, and it being his 1 year ex is completely not appropriate.

[Tigris]

If you leave them alone together you don't know what might happen!

 

My advice stays the same. Make sure you sleep in his bed that night!