Sleeping together? How soon?

[wastedtime]

I know, one sleeps with someone once:

 

You've gotten to know eachother

 

You really like them

 

You trust them

 

The time is right

 

 

Here's the thing I want to be taken seriously. I am NOT a run by the night gal. And truly don't wanna rush, but also rules are just not human.

This must be a hard question, since everyone feels differently about it.

 

I think too soon can affect the relationship...either creating a closer bond or becoming a sexual thing.

 

The author of "He's just not that into you" recommends to wait 2 months before you have sex with someone, until you really know them. IS that a game?

 

I'd really love to hear a guys point of way.

 

 

[toad4466]

Well, I can only say my perspective, but from what i have seen and know most men are very good at "guilting" their lovers into sleeping with them. I would be careful if you have had the "oh go on" story, or the "its a sign of love" speech, or if he tries to fill you with alchohol. If your other half uses things like that, thats all they want from you. If you say yes too soon, then you could end up feeling used, and this will effect future relationships. Think of yourself in this matter, dont be pushed, and if you feel it is time, start slow, be sensible, and please dont be bullied.

[chai714]

Books, rules, etc. Everyone either lives by a book, rules someone else made up, or both. "He's just not that into you" is something many women live and swear by. Some read that book and keep it by them like it's the bible of relationships. Does it really take an author to tell you he's not into you if he: only calls you when he's drunk, doesn't call you, is married, or other VERY OBVIOUS signs that he does not want you? If I were a female, I would be insulted by that book.

 

Does it really matter how soon or late you sleep with someone? The first date would no doubt come off as "easy" to any guy. Would he respect a woman for doing that? Likely, it would not happen. Respect could later be established, but it's not going to happen after sleeping with him on the first date. If you wait longer, what will this do? If he's going to leave you because you don't sleep with him in "x" amount of time, does he really like you? No, and he's probably not worth it. The bottom line is that you'll sleep with him whenever you feel ready. For some, it's 2 months, for some it's not till their wedding night, and some women (a very small percentage) will never be ready because they have some serious psychological problems and distorted views on sexuality. There is no set time. I can tell you one thing for sure though - too late is probably better than too soon.

[annie24]

hehehe.... chai knows I have "he's just not that into you" burnt into my head

 

"There's not alot of guys that are worth my time" --Alicia Keys

 

But your quote is good. Sleep with him when you decide he IS worth your time!

[darkblue]

Don't believe everything you read.

[RayKay]

You will get a LOT of different responses on this question, and I really think it is something impossible to truly determine "when you should". I think having a timeline just to have a timeline is artificial and one should always realize that every relationship and every person is different.

 

Is it possible some might not respect you if you sleep with them TOO early (whatever that is)...possible. But also hypocritical. And honestly, I think if the relationship is meant to be, and you two are compatible, it won't matter, though it DOES add some complications if you aren't so compatible (like fooling you into feeling some feelings too soon, etc). Is it possible a guy might get impatient if you want to wait a couple months? Possible...if he likes you he probably wants to sleep with you, but if he is a good guy who genuinely likes you, a couple months is do-able!

 

You have to do what you as a person, and you as a couple feel is right FOR YOU. Not according to what the books say or other people say. I have read "He's Not That Into You" too, and while it is a funny, quick read, it is not a bible for relationships...it is stuff that would be obvious to most people looking in on the outside, just sometimes people need that push But honestly, waiting 2 months just because that book tells you too...seems rather like you are giving your own power over to someone else's ideas of what you should or should not do.

[wastedtime]

Well thanks guys...

 

I was wondering also, in general how soon before two people usually have sex? ... 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 1 month?

 

...like in general what's the average?

[chai714]

I was wondering also, in general how soon before two people usually have sex? ... 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 1 month?

 

...like in general what's the average?

 

My guess is this: generally, the older the two people are the sooner they will sleep together. The younger, the more time will elapse. This is my very general guesstimate.

 

Nobody can really give you an accurate age.

[Jetta]

Well I read on some spiritually based site that you should wait 40 days. It's something biblical. I was looking it up myself. I guess it takes that long to really get to know a person in a non-sexual way. And once sex is introduced it alters the chemicals and balance of the relationship. thereforeeee it's recommended to wait (so yeah the 2 month thing is pretty accurate). I won't say it's easy but if you want a geniune non-sexually based relationship that would be the thing to do.

[Mun]

You might want to wait until you know that you are exclusive ( unless that isn't important to you).

[cassandra]

I'd have to say it really depends on the people involved, if it feels right for you then why not. You can't base your experience and feeling on what someone else, has or is doing or feeling

[wastedtime]

You might want to wait until you know that you are exclusive ( unless that isn't important to you).

 

Yep, that's actually what I was thinking.

[Shadows Light]

Someone wrote that it may be age dependant... and I'd have to agree with this to a point.

 

At my age... come on... I've been there, done that... so the way I feel about it... is that I would sleep with him when I felt ready to do so. Yes, I'd probably get to know them etc....but if you're lucky enough to go out on a date with me.. that means we've established repour somewhere down the line. Not one to ....pick up bar flies or phone numbers... no thanx.

 

Don't ever feel pressured into having to sleep with someone. Its your body... your choice.. your wants and needs. Sex or making Love should be a mutually enjoyable thing with two people who want to share. Being goaded into ..."giving it up" when you arn't ready yet... is not sharing. or giving freely. No means no...and if thats not good enough for them.. they can move on. Not worth your time.

 

And I agree with other posts... books are great for a pulse check and a different perspective. Read many books and then pick and choose... to set your own boundaries and what works for you.

[annie24]

I don't remember reading the "2 month" rule in the "He's just not that into you book...." .... but I digress..... Maybe this was something the authors said in an interview somewhere?

 

In any case, I think like everyone else said, you should wait until the time is right for you. If you're looking for a one-night stand, go for it. If you're looking for a committed relationship, then wait until it becomes a committed relationship (and don't just assume that you are because you've been dating for 2 months! )

 

If you've known someone for 8 years, and then you start dating, I see no reason for a "two month" rule if you feel you are ready. And if you are an 18 year old virgin, well... wait until you feel the time is right, when you feel that the trust has been established, and this is something you are doing because you want to, not because you are scared of losing the other person.....

[wastedtime]

I think getting to know this guy better is key. And I will feel more comfortable too.

 

But how do I tell him it's dependent upon two things?

 

Getting to know him

Being exclusive

 

How do I bring this up? Awkard....

 

Help please.

[Mun]

You bring it up when he says he wants to /or/ tries to have sex with you.... and you say something like " I prefer to be exclusive with someone I am having sex with"

[wastedtime]

You bring it up when he says he wants to /or/ tries to have sex with you.... and you say something like " I prefer to be exclusive with someone I am having sex with"

 

That's funny you say that Muneca...cause another friend of mine said the same thing.

 

We were kissing and stuff the other day....wonder if that was a good time to say something....it just seems awkard to fine the right time to say it.

[wastedtime]

I don't remember reading the "2 month" rule in the "He's just not that into you book...." .... but I digress..... Maybe this was something the authors said in an interview somewhere?

 

You're right it's not in the book. He said it on Oprah.

[Shadows Light]

When to discuss exclusivity and akwardness....

 

Well... if you've arleady made love, seen each other naked and swapped spit... I'd say you were past the AWKWARD stage and just say what needs to be said.

 

Maybe just saying.. "you know.. I'm into Serial Monogomy..." and work the conversation from there... Seria Monogomy by the way... One person at a time in your life & bed.

 

Quit being shy... its an important topic..just let it rip... what can you lose?

[morethanyouthink]

i dk i think 2 months is a long time tho

[wastedtime]

When to discuss exclusivity and akwardness....

 

Well... if you've arleady made love, seen each other naked and swapped spit... I'd say you were past the AWKWARD stage and just say what needs to be said.

 

Maybe just saying.. "you know.. I'm into Serial Monogomy..." and work the conversation from there... Seria Monogomy by the way... One person at a time in your life & bed.

 

Quit being shy... its an important topic..just let it rip... what can you lose?

 

Very true, thanks.

 

 

i dk i think 2 months is a long time tho

 

U think?

[cichlid]

i dk i think 2 months is a long time tho

 

U think?

 

I think 2 months is a short amount of time. Heck, I'm just finishing some 8 week college courses and they flew by so quickly! It's like what they are over already?! So yeah...2 months is nothing.

[DarknHandsome]

did it at 6 months and i dont think we were ready, but then again it was the first time.

[wastedtime]

did it at 6 months and i dont think we were ready, but then again it was the first time.

 

I'm starting to feel as though I am ready but I am older than you too. I will only become intimate with him in an exclusive monogamous relationship. It just seems too soon to bring that up. But that's the only way I will move forward.

[Mun]

Just don't tell him you want him to be exclusive with you... Tell him something like.. " this is my policy"