Married, just broke off affair

[dotherightthing]

I've been married for nearly 13 years. I thought happily. Until 2 years ago when I began an extremely emotional and physical affair with a coworker. I finally decided to break it off. My husband never deserved that and neither did the wife of the man I fell in love with. Why am I writing? Because I am so damn sad. I consider this sadness my punishment for what I have done. I set myself up for this fall. Now I know I have to take it. I'm not sad for what I have done. I'm sad b/c I miss the person I have fallen in love with....and that is the very reason I broke it off....I fell in love so hard. I'm obviously not trustworthy or loyal or any of those things. I thought I was until this. I want to get my marriage back with truth and honesty, but I cannot tell him what I've done. It would only serve to hurt him. If I felt like I could tell him, I'd rather do that and be with the person I'm so in love with. But I know if that ever happened, we'd have major trust issues down the road. We both know we are capable of affairs. I just love him so. How do I let him go? How do I learn to feel that way about the man I'm married to? Has ANYONE ever been through this? God, if you are the victom of something like this, I'm so sorry for you. I can't change how I feel though. I love a man who has a wife and I am a woman who has a husband. I'm sad. My punishment should be more severe I'm sure. I want to do what's right.

[GettingOverIt]

dotherightthing,

First of all, work on NOT beating yourself up over this... Believe me, I am a man who just ended an affair (well, NINE months ago it ended, and yet I still battle with many of the feelings for the other person and my own feelings of betraying my wife, kids, ugh..)

 

Please feel free to PM me if you'd like...

 

I would also suggest No Contact with him ,if at all possible... Again, this is advice based on my own experience, and I am JUST NOW going No Contact, and it is like a withdrawl from an addiction. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do...bar none.. to quit talking to, emailing, etc someone I had so many feelings for.... (On top of that, I ended up falling for someone else via the web and I regret all the hurt I caused her because of my own issues!)....

 

It will not be easy, but you will get through this, and I admire the fact that you do want to try and work on your marriage... Even if it fails, know that you tried!! And if it lasts the rest of your life, then know you succeeded in rebuilding your marriage!!! (I am working on the same thing myself...).

 

Like I said, PM me if you'd like...

[Reilly2856]

You want to get your marriage back with truth and honesty, but how may I ask will that be possible if you are not truthful about your affair? Everything you build will be that based on a lie, because in the back of your mind you will know that you cheated on him and he will never know. It also seems as if you want the best of both worlds: you want to tell your husband only IF it doesn't hurt him, and then when you do tell him...u rather leave him and be with the other guy...how I ask....how can that not hurt your husband? You've made a BIG mistake, but it's time to own up to it. Be responsible for your actions. If you are not honest with him, then in the end this marriage..no matter, how u try to build it...will be a lie. Fess up and be prepared if he doesn't take it easily. Wouldn't blame him...how would u feel if he had cheated on u?

[DN]

Perhaps a way to start getting your life in order is not to view yourself as a victim, or as someone who couldn't help herself, but as someone who made decisions and has to take responsibility for them - in her own mind at least.

 

Affairs don't just happen, they are the result of choices. And just as you chose to have an affair you chose to end it.

 

Some self analysis as to why you made those decisions, other than "My husband never deserved that and neither did the wife of the man I fell in love with.' would probably help you.

 

It is all very well to convince yourself that you ended it to save your husband unhappiness - but are you sure that your decision was not more self serving that that? If you can understand your own motivations in what happened - you will be better able to understand how to get things back on track.

 

Honesty is the best policy - especially about yourself.

[dotherightthing]

I don't know how I'd feel if he cheated. I'm so caught up in my own world and I have been two years. I've been selfish. I don't have EXCUSES about why I did it. I do have reasons and those reasons are only based on what I see in hindsight. Two years ago I had no idea why I began this.

Now...I think this...my husband was a very hard worker......7am -11:30 pm Monday thru Fri. Sat and Sun he did odd jobs for friends for YEARS. I begged him to stay home with me...be with me....love me. He wasn't open to that...he wasn't emotional. Then this. A flirt here, there. Before I knew it I was talking, flirting, spending time with another man. Then came a deep friendship and more.......

Christmas '03......party.....hubby walks in and catches me kissing this man. It crushed him. I tried then to break it off and take care of my husband. It was too late....or so I thought then. I was in love and so was he. So I eased off of the affair and did the best that I could then (granted I could have done MUCH better) to help my husband through it. He stayed with me. How could I not stop the affair then? But I didn't. It kept going and it got deeper. My husband changed drastically. Became so loving, but so smothering. Here's the bottom line. I love this other man...the passionate, sexual, connected kind of love. I love my husband...the comfortable, sweet, can't be without you kind of love. I want both of those loves with my husband...that's what I want and need. But god, I'd be lying right now if I said I didn't choose the other if it were easier. I need to reconnect. I KNOW what I did was wrong. Why in the world would I WANT to tell him? So that I could feel better and he could feel worse??? The BEST reason I've seen on this site is so that HE would have a choice in the matter...to leave...or to stay. Maybe that will help me do it. I don't know. But unless, you've been where I am, you'll never know what I've been through, who I am, or what I'm capable of.....good or bad.

[michelemybell]

You may always live with the guilt, but you can start doing the right thing now. The present and the future is all that counts now. You should only feel guilty now if you CONTINUE your affair.

As far as getting over the other guy, that's a toughy. The only advice I can give you is to remember that your life probably wouldn't have been different with the other man (And you really haven't seen his truly awful qualities that only his wife sees).

I'm curious if you are missing out on things in your own life and substituting relationships to cure your frustration or boredom with yourself? Do you like your job? Are you in school? Do you have cool hobbies? Do you travel? Are you making a difference in this world?

[Reilly2856]

Though I have never been married nor cheated, I have experienced this whole issue of affair. My sister's husband cheated on her and I saw the hell he put her through. But the best thing he did was fess up...now, I know ur husband is going to feel hurt, but hiding it from him doesn't make u responsible for your actions. Perhaps you need to see that hurt, to permantly stop yourself from going back to this other man. Who is to say, that in a few months you won't reassume this affair? Since you havn't fessed up and won't, how can you truly see the effect it has had on your husband and then use that to motivate yourself to stay away. Look, I don't want to be mean or anything, but none of your excuses for not telling him CUT it. It feels like you just want to justify your actions...and feel good that you broke it off and that's it. Well that is not it! Take responsibility now. Also, if you want your husband to love you the way you were loved by this other man...you should have discussed it with him before starting this affair. COmmunication is what keeps a marriage going. Choice is yours.

[dotherightthing]

I thought about that.....the part about not really knowing this man. I see only the good side. I don't see what his wife sees. I don't see all the things that I love about my own husband that some might find repulsive. You know the morning breath, funny dancing, nasty noises. All the things we laugh about behind closed doors with the people we are most comfortable with. I was bored maybe....being alone alot. I have a very fast-paced job, two kids, busy life. God, NORMAL life...except this. Things have changed in two years. Hubby stopped working so much...for me. Hubby got rid of race car....for me.....Hubby did SO much for me. I need to give back. I need to find what I'm supposed to give back. He deserves more than me. So I'm not sure if I'm it. And how do I stop fantasizing about another. It was TWO years. That's hard to get over. I WANT to.

[michelemybell]

I dont know if you listen to Dr. Laura on the radio, but her advice to cheating spouses is to NOT tell your spouse. It only places the hurt, guilt and burden on them and relieves YOU of the stress and burden, which it shouldn't. Why hurt your husband even more? And it seems like he already knows something is up--and chooses to be with you anyhow. If you decide to stay with your husband, I think he would be more impressed by your actions, rather than telling him you have the hots and want (or were) doing some other guy.

[Reilly2856]

But how can you build your relationship based on truth if u aren't truthful about something like this?

[dotherightthing]

Signing off for now after my first post on the internet - EVER.

To those of you who were kind and gentle....Thank you.

To those of you who gave me a good "talking to"...thank you as much. When no one knows what you've done, you get no advice, no direction, no slap in the face, and definitely no divorce. God, do I have a hell of a path in front of me and an even worse one behind me.

Thanks for listening. Good night.

[michelemybell]

Reilly, that is a very good question. I would think so too. But I have seen spouses absolutely destroyed when another spouse spills the beans to basically "ease their own conscience". Sometimes the spouse goes crazy thinking of their man or woman with someone else, or feels absolutely devalued. It's worse when there are children involved. Honesty is always good--but in these cases it can be tricky. I think a better approach would be to show through your actions that you have changed and absolutely stop seeing the other person.

[SadnConfused]

Sorry, you do NOT deserve ither of them. Plain and simple you decided to break a sacred bond. You did it, pay the piper. If you dont tell your husband, you are lying your entire life. If you stay with they guy you are messing around with, you are ruining his and his wife's life. Good job with this one... You accepted the ring then accepted adultry. I hope to hell there are not kids involved because you have messed up thier lives also, on both sides! I can not understand for the life of me why people do this? When you are about to even think about doing someting like this, look down at your left hand and remember how that felt... Remember there was someone who decided to dedicate thier life to YOU and you took that for granted. Good luck.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I dont know if you listen to Dr. Laura on the radio, but her advice to cheating spouses is to NOT tell your spouse. It only places the hurt, guilt and burden on them and relieves YOU of the stress and burden, which it shouldn't. Why hurt your husband even more? And it seems like he already knows something is up--and chooses to be with you anyhow. If you decide to stay with your husband, I think he would be more impressed by your actions, rather than telling him you have the hots and want (or were) doing some other guy.

 

I have been cheated on. It was devastating. I found out by accident.

 

I say do not tell him. But do realize that what you had with that cheating man [edited] was half fantasy. You didn't live with him and you both had the exhilarationg (and exhilarating, forbidden sex) that goes with adultery. THAT was what made it so good. Not that this man [edited] was so wonderful; he wasn't...after all, he was cheating on his wife with a married woman...toying with wrecking two homes. What a jerk. If y'all had stayed together, you would always wonder.

 

Your husband loves you. Whether you deserve him or not at this point is moot. He loves you and obviously doesn't want to let you go. Are you two seeing a counsellor? Cause you should.

 

Breaking it off with your husband seems like it would be oh-so-easy doesn't it? Wrong-o. Plus that man[edited] would probably opt to stay with his wife and leave all of your loooove behind in the dust when reality comes knocking. Know what I mean? So stay with your husband, don't tell him, and try to remember why you fell in love with him! Your attitude makes your life and I see right now that you need to change it, big time.

 

Sex with hubby isn't that grand? Don't whine. DO something about it. You have problems with the marriage? Talk to the only person (besides a counsellor) that you should be talking to...your husband.

 

Oh and by the way...I forgave my cheater. We've worked on our relationship and we've had ups and downs but it's going great now and the trust is coming back. The cheating happened about 9 months ago.

 

hugs,

phreckles

[Lexicon85]

Great post phreckles

[michelemybell]

I agree--Great post phreckles.

 

SadnConfused, I think she already has plenty of guilt to deal with and is not happy with the situation. She came to this site to get advice, not to be cut down. Nobody here said this was a great thing and nobody advised her to continue this. And it seems like she wants to change and be there for her husband. Making the person even more guilty keeps them stuck in a wasteland of depression and immobility. I believe in learning from your mistakes and moving on.

I have read that most women cheat because of lack of attention and affection. While she should have dealt with the problem directly with her husband instead of having an affair, I'm sure there are many things her husband needs to work on here as well. It seems BOTH of them have extremely busy schedules and need to find time for each other. So let's not put the blame squarely on her for this happening. I'm sure there are plenty of factors involved with this.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

maaaaaaan my post was so much betterbefore they edited the nasty names i used for her paramour out...c'est la vie.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

She has got to tell him for two reasons.

One as the young but very wise beyond her years 17 year old girl pointed out the relationship would not really be real or healthy with this hanging over it. If they are gonna break up they might as well get it over with.

2. even more importantly perhaps, what if the husband does find out about it (other guy or his wife contacts him and tells him, he finds evidence etc) it is gonna be a hell of a lot worse if he finds out from somebody else than it will be if it is his wife shedding a tearful confession.

He is (understably actually) liable to act violent, sadistic, or in a way that will make things a lot worse and he will resent her ten times worse.

If she loses the relationship that's her fault but this is the best option to mitigate possible pain.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I respectfully disagree. If he finds out, the effect is the same. It's not going to be better or worse depending on how he finds out. Lying is lying. Put it this way, if you had a choice between doing something that might get you killed but you might not, or something that would definitely get you killed, which are you going to choose? I'm gonna go with option B. You're either DEFINITELY going to cause the guy pain or you can keep your trap shut, live with your guilty conscience, and have a chance of NOT causing him pain.

 

If he were violent or something, he's going to be violent no matter what, no matter how he finds out (IF he finds out). Bad news is bad news. And as someone who's been cheated on, I don't see why he'd resent her any more or less because she opted to dump her pain on him, when he could have lived in blissful ignorance.

 

That's the reality of it. Some things are better left unsaid. The affair is over and she's staying with her husband. So she needs to look forward. She obviously is very important to him, so why shatter his world, why devastate him, when there's a large chance he could go on living just fine without that knowledge?

 

She should do everything she can to keep her marriage intact, especially because she has children with her husband. That does not include dropping an atom bomb on it.

 

If he finds out later, then that's a different ballgame, but why screw with it?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

She has got to tell him for two reasons.

One as the young but very wise beyond her years 17 year old girl pointed out the relationship would not really be real or healthy with this hanging over it.

 

Oh I forgot to say something. It IS real for the husband. It IS fairly healthy for the husband. The only person it may not be real for is his wife. So why mess with HIS feelings? It wouldn't do any good.

 

2nd, there's no guarantee they will break up, as both of them are now trying to work at their marriage. Why mess with that?

 

To the wife: you earned your guilt, now deal with it. But the best way to deal with it is to be the best wife you can to your husband going forward. Put all your efforts, fully commit yourself to your marriage! But don't assuage YOUR guilty conscience by shattering HIS world!

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Phreck

 

1. It would make a great difference to me and to a lot of people I suspect about how he finds out. If somebody comes and tells him he is gonna know she was still remaining dishonest about it and keeping it a secret. That will cause him to wonder and suspect even more than if she sobbingly confesses, admitting she still loves him. It might not be much, but she has that slight self-respect and tiny bit of integrity to fess up about what a horrible thing she did. If I found out my wife was cheating I would be devestated and furious either way. But I would hate the person even more (if possible) if I found out from somebody else and not my wife because then she's also being dishonest by keeping it a secret when it is very much his business and his decision to stay or not.

2. The whole marriage will be based on a lie. Who the hell wants that???

What is the point of a relationship if it is only conditional on an untruth?

As far as the children go, they should not be the main reason here. The kids will probably be less damaged than he will actually. For once this woman needs to be strong about something.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

2. The whole marriage will be based on a lie. Who the hell wants that???

What is the point of a relationship if it is only conditional on an untruth?

As far as the children go, they should not be the main reason here. The kids will probably be less damaged than he will actually. For once this woman needs to be strong about something.

 

He doesn't know she lied. He may not ever know. The only person it would be good for would be HER. She would get to unload her conscience. Yippy skippy for her.

 

Have you been cheated on?

 

Yup, sorry, but the children absolutely should be the main reason! Why wouldn't they be? My God, that is so selfish. Parents needs to put their children first always. They are the ones whose lives are being shaped, she has their entire life in her hand! They are the ones who need stability, who need mom and dad to stay together. She needs to sacrifice, live with her guilt, and try to make it as good as she can for her husband and children.

 

That whole thing about "what is the point of a relationship if it is only conditional based on an untruth" thing is not about her husband's feelings. That is only about her and serving her interests. That may not be the utopian version, it may not be ideal, but it is the reality.

 

I think that a truly honest and circumspect view on this will lead her to know that she needs to keep her trap shut and work on her future. She was selfish and now it is time for her to step up and get to work on this marriage and stop thinking about herself 24/7.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Actually the person who is gonna be hurt the most (who is among the innocent parties) is the one who should be considered first.

Kids are hurt by their parents divorce but not anywhere close to how hurt he is gonna be. Sorry but the relationship is more about them than it is the kids. Parents each have an individual relationship to give to them.

And I couldn't disagree more with you on this.

It's like saying would you rather live an average life awake or a great life asleep. The interaction of their marriage would be based upon dishonest communication and even if he is gonna be in pain he is owed the truth. In the long run anybody who isn't terribly weak is gonna be able to appreciate that much.

No I have never been cheated on. But I do know what is important to me. What's 'real' is what is important. I want to know the truth.

I might hate her for it. I might even want to die. But i deserve the right to know that my wife has acted like a monster and the choice to be or not be with somebody like that. If he can forgive her, great. If not, he deserves the right to move on.

And if he finds out from somebody else I am telling you it is gonna be ALOT worse and she will have the bonus problem of not being able to plan the situation in which she would have informed him (like when the kids ain't around that weekend).

[westwind61]

dotherightthing- Not to disparage the good advice you are getting in this thread (some really wonderful helpful things are being posted) I would not base the decision on whether to tell from what you read or what you hear on Dr. Laura. Get professional and or spiritual advice from someone that can assess your situation fully and know both you and your husband.

 

In my situation, my wife finding out about it, and her subsequent behavior, will be what saved our family.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Oh god. Who is quoting Dr. Laura????