19 and never been in a relationship

[DiscipleOfChange]

I'm a 19 year old male and I've never been in a relationship. In fact, I don't think a girl has ever even been attracted to me. I know it is foolish to think there's something wrong with me and to try deperately to be in a relationship wont get me anywhere, but what can I do? How can I approach women and meet someone I can be happy with? Are there many people in my situation?

[easyguy]

Yes, in fact there are tons of people in your situation, myself included.

 

I'm 18 (2 months from turning 19) and I have yet to be in a real relationship. I've been in an online LDR (lasted a couple months), but that doesn't really count. We lived accross the country and we never met or talked on the phone for that matter.

 

One thing I have found is that the more you look, the less you find. The worst thing you can be is desperate. I was desperate for a while, then I decided to chill out for a while and not try so hard (I went through several relationship attempts in just a few months). Relationships pop up sometimes at the most unexpected times. And do not fear rejection. Just because a girl rejects you doesn't mean she directly hates you. It could be for a number of reasons. Don't take everything personally. It's all about the attitude you have. You will make just as many hits as misses when it comes to relationships. So far I've yet to make a hit but I'm still in the game.

 

How to increase your chances of meeting someone? Get off your butt and volunteer for something someplace that you like doing (which a friend of mine did, and within a matter of weeks he met someone! but that doesn't mean everyone does every time), hang out where there are lots of people your age, but don't do it for the sole purpose of meeting someone. First, you'll constantly be distracted because you're not there to work but to hunt for someone, and second, if something goes wrong with a girl then you suddenly feel really uncomfortable volunteering there. Do something you enjoy and do it with other people because you want to have fun, not try and find a girlfriend from the get-go. In most cases, she'll come to you instead of the other way.

 

If you need to get in shape or buff up for whatever reason (for your own health, hopefully), then join a health club. Lots of people there at certain points in the day. I was just at a health club today. If you see some cute girl on the stationary bike or something not doing anything, go bike beside her and strike up a conversation. But remember, don't go there to MEET girls or expect a relationship to happen. They're not there to meet you in most cases. They're there to work out, and they may not always want company. Also, you don't know if a girl is single, married, or already has a boyfriend. A health club does not = a singles club. If a girl starts to show you signs, take the opportunity to go over and chat.

 

Learn to smile more if you don't, always seem friendly, say "Hi" to people for the heck of it, maybe compliment someone on what they're wearing (if it's complimentable). Overall, you want to be approachable. Start flirting with girls once you start talking to them. Even if they reject you or don't like you enough to start a relationship, at least you are practicing (talking/flirting/teasing). To throw in another quote, do what you want and say what you want because the people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind. It's a win-win situation. If you get rejected (which you will), learn from your mistake(s). The first relationship attempt failure could be, Oh, I went too fast or I was overly nice. Ok, so then you know what you did wrong. Just wipe it off your shoulder and don't dwell on the past. There are plenty of fish in the sea, as they say (school is a tiny pond (if even) compared to what the world has to offer, so don't feel as if there's no one out there). If you ever have gone fishing before, you will know that rarely do you make a catch on the first reel. For some it takes a long time, but you will eventually make a catch (and you are the happiest if you take forever and finally do make a catch). If you simply give up after a few times in fishing then good luck catching any fish! It isn't going to fly out of the water and into the boat for you. It takes work, man. Some people are a lot older and in our same situation, bud, so it's not a teenager thing.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What is attractive to one person might not be attractive to another. You don't know how many average to less than average looking guys I've seen with amazing looking girlfriends/wives. But you know what, it's not so much the looks as it is the personality in a person. The reason that the average guy gets the stunning girl is because he worked up his CONFIDENCE and showed his personality, and that overuled his looks. Girls love that in a guy. You could look like Brad Pitt and be an unconfident, arrogant guy who never gets women because it never gets past the initial (physical) attraction. Relationships don't go very far if you aren't on the same wavelength and can get along with each other. The most compatable couples are ones whom share a lot of the same interests.

 

Good luck, and don't let it get you down!

 

P.S. Work up the confidence thing. That helps a lot when meeting girls/women (plus most girls/women find that to be very attractive in a guy). Don't be afraid to go up to someone and start talking. What's the worst that can happen? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Go for it or you'll never know.

[Caldus]

^ That was a very good post. Not much else I could add.

 

Except that it is very important to be at peace with yourself the whole time and not give in to this "need for a partner" business. You want one, not need one. Just be at peace, enjoy life, grab life by the balls, live life, and you're good to go.

[Mr. Cactus]

Are there many people in my situation?

 

I am more than twice your age and have never had a relationship. So don't worry, there is always someone else who has been in your situation, no matter strange, unique or embarrasing you think it is. And I am 100% positive there are vast numbers of people in the world much older than I who have never had a relationship either. I'm sure many mature people lived their entire lives and never had a relationship. I'm actually happily single, and I enjoy my independance. That said, if I ever did find someone, I would be happy to share my life with them if they wanted to share their life with me.

 

As easyguy points out (and many others have done the same), the harder you try, the more difficult it often is. Things tend to fall in our laps when we are thinking about them the least. Only a couple of weeks ago I lost two wonderful friends and I felt devasted, but I knew from experience that I would get "better" in time. Lo and behold, this week when I was not expecting it, somebody contacted me completely out of the blue and suddenly I felt part of society again lol

 

Anyway, I can give you plenty of tips to cope with not being in a relationship, but they are all well known. Value any friendships you have, show others that you care for them, spoil yourself and immerse yourself in hobbies and "me" time. Learn to love and respect yourself and if you don't, try to work out why you don't and take steps to fix it. Try to take any opportunity you can to socialise people, but don't do so with the motive of trying to seek out a partner - just do it to integrate with people and enjoy their company for what it is. A pet is often a good idea too if you are in a position to look after it properly.

[randy]

I'm a 19 year old male and I've never been in a relationship. In fact, I don't think a girl has ever even been attracted to me. I know it is foolish to think there's something wrong with me and to try deperately to be in a relationship wont get me anywhere, but what can I do? How can I approach women and meet someone I can be happy with? Are there many people in my situation?

 

well the more u go looking the harder it is to find someone.

 

I recommend improving yourself on the inside AND outside. Get some fashion magazines or take a look at some fashion shows ( what not to wear is a nice on ) . Also, . . . look at other guys ! ! ! No . . . not like that . . . i mean look at what they're wearing, their hair styles etc . Copy some styles if you have to . It' s unbelievable how many women will approach you just from changing your outer appearance a bit .

 

Next, work on your confidence. Don' t wait for the woman to approach you . Approach her instead .

 

Make eye contact, smile, start a converstaion, be funny confident during this converstion then ask for email (# if your brave enough ) .

 

 

I know this sounds like some kind of formula but it really does work . It' s a great place to start then build on .

 

And 19 and single ain' t bad . You have LOTS of time to change . Try what I said above . ( I know the talking to girls part is difficult so just start slowly at first . Talk to girls your attracted to and firt with them FOR A BIT for practice ) .

 

 

good luck MAN ! ! !

[Caldus]

I'm not a believer of dressing up like other guys in order to attract women. Just practice good hygiene and maybe work out if you really want to improve your appearance. Just my opinion.

[ShySoul]

Don't change yourself, embrace who you are. Wear what you want, do the things that make you happy. In doing so you will begin to see that you are just fine the way you are. Copying someone else is just that, copying. If it isn't you then it's not going to make a difference. Anyone can copy a hair style or change their clothes. Doesn't mean a thing or means success with women. It just makes you like everyone else, following the masses. Be a rebel. Strike out on your own and do your own thing. Be the unique individual you already are. Once you see that you will be enjoying your life so much that you'll barely think about attracting women, and that in turn will attract women.

 

And ask yourself, do you really want a girl shallow enough to approach you because of what you wear or how you get your hair done? Or do you want someone who talks to you because they want to know the real you?

[Caldus]

Took the words right out of my freakin' mouth.

 

And most of all, relax relax relax. Life is still good. Don't let a girl or a lack of one be the main reason for happiness or depression in life.

[Iori_Yagami]

Oh, this topic appears so often... The roots are deep, my friends.

They come from society moral settings.

 

The new society is to blame in all this.

Emancipation, too.

 

I often compare our culture with yours, western. And with eastern, too.

It is such a pity that men are caged in laws and stupid regulations that they do not have much power left.

It often seems odd, why tons of your western people go seeking a wife from our lands? I think it is purely to the unspoiled nature of our women, who have not been touched by horrible practice of emancipation which perverted itself.

Actually it was a good idea at start. Gicving them voting rights, salary and such. But now, women do not know what to want anymore. Like immature and spoiled children, they greedily exploit their rights, never stopping and never having any shame. They don't have it, it is a MAN who must govern her and care for her, to be a spine in the family, while she becomes flesh, and together they form a living element of a healthy society.

 

In eder days it was perfect - parents would chose wisely who to marry, what the family trend woud be and so on. Now young people are like children left on their own. They can surely care well for themselves, but cannot even think to care for others, to create a real family.

 

Only thing left is the will to reproduce, but that is not enough. You can't overrun with quantity where quality is required. i mean good life level alone is nothing without educating morality and truth-loving.

 

So, women now can easily chase you off NOT because you are immoral or untrue, but because of your looks, money or so-called "status".

 

Yes, I know it is depressing, but I don't see nay other way out only to start hard work on your morality and truth. That is neede for whole western civilization.

 

NEEDED, now! Start with yourself, and continue further with your family. Don't forget roman empire which ended rich but rotten inside, fully covered with filth and sins. Money won't save anyone.

[Davidsan]

hey man just be your self if the women dont love u for wat u are well u wna stay away from them this is wat i do and once i found out it was so simple i had a girl friend a week after it dident turn out to well but im still happy just live life from the moments man

[ShySoul]

Anyone can follow the latest trends, but before long they'll be "so last season" anyways and you'll need to change again. You'll constantly be following others instead of breaking off and on your own. For all you know you could develop your own style that in a couple of years becomes the next big thing. Then you can say you had it first. Be a trendsetter, be an individual.

 

Yes, just relax and stay cool. When you obessess over something, that's when you have the most trouble. There's so much to enjoy in life, a relationship isn't the only thing that makes life good.

 

Like immature and spoiled children, they greedily exploit their rights, never stopping and never having any shame. They don't have it, it is a MAN who must govern her and care for her, to be a spine in the family, while she becomes flesh, and together they form a living element of a healthy society.

 

Um... that's not a very accurate description of women. Yes, there are women who take advantage of things and people, as there are men who do that. But most recognize that we are striving for equality. Neither governs the other, they both share themselves and share in the decisions equally.

 

Now young people are like children left on their own. They can surely care well for themselves, but cannot even think to care for others, to create a real family.

 

Yes, some choose poorly and don't make the right decisions. But most do care for others. A real family can come in many different forms, as long as there is love and support for one another (both physically and emotionally). This is especially true when it comes to children, most parents would do anything for their child.

 

So, women now can easily chase you off NOT because you are immoral or untrue, but because of your looks, money or so-called "status".

 

In many cultures the concept of arranged marriages where designed around "status." Nobility had to be kept away from commoners after all. So there can be just as much superficial actions in that arrangement as well.

 

Though you are right in that money, appearance, status isn't important and that morality means alot. Be a good person and stay true to yourself, that is what counts.

[cranberry]

Everyone has made some excellent suggestions so far, but I just wanted to comment about the clothes/style issue. It's one thing to copy trends and desperately wait for the latest fashion magazine to arrive on shelves, but it's another thing to stay moderately in style. Being in style and being unique can be coterminous. For example, perhaps you like to wear neon socks with sandals and (hideous) hawaiian-print t-shirts...yes that is unique and that could be very well how you like to express yourself...but face it, that outfit is horrendous. Instead you could incorporate your uniqueness into a modern outfit. For example, you could replace the neon from your socks with a bright-coloured t-shirt and wear that under a blazer.

By the way, I am by no means suggesting that you dress horrendously and that is why you do not have a girlfriend. I agree with the previous posters--you just have to put yourself out there and you will meet all kinds of people--some may become romantic interests, and others may become friends.

[Caldus]

I will stick to my t-shirts and jeans.

 

Honestly who gives a crap what other people think of your outfit. Just freakin' wear whatever you want. The more you give in to this idea of having to be a certain way and dressing a certain style, the worse it's probably going to get. You'll lose sight of who you really are. Part of being at peace with yourself is just simply not really giving a **** what other people think of you. Isn't that what attracts women anyway?

[ShySoul]

I will stick to my t-shirts and jeans.

 

Honestly who gives a crap what other people think of your outfit. Just freakin' wear whatever you want. The more you give in to this idea of having to be a certain way and dressing a certain style, the worse it's probably going to get. You'll lose sight of who you really are. Part of being at peace with yourself is just simply not really giving a **** what other people think of you. Isn't that what attracts women anyway?

 

This time you've taken the words out of my mouth.

 

One question: Is a cowboy hat in style? If it is then I won't bother. But if it ISN'T then I think I might like to try it.

[DiscipleOfChange]

Thanks for all the replies.  I understand that what I have to do is pursue my interests and "play it cool" so sto speak.  What I worry about doing is taking that to the extent that my head is in the sand.  I'm not saying I want a girl to make the first move, but I think I wouldn't know if a girl liked me unless someone walked up and popped me in head with a big sign.  I guess my question is, if I do my own thing and join clubs that interest me and what not, will things really come that easily?  A person I knew put this question to me: Would I rather have 100 female friends or one girlfriend?  That's kind of an ultimatum and obviously I like have female friends but I'm still in search of that middle ground between having my head in the sand and trying to be in a relationship

[Caldus]

Best thing to do is to not worry about relationships period. Easier said than done. But worrying about relationships period is going to screw with your head a lot in the near future. Just relax, make some new friends, and something will come along. Don't sit around and do nothing but don't be too desperate for your search either.

[ShySoul]

It will come to you when it comes to you. And when it does come to you, it will be right. The point of joining clubs and doing things that interest you isn't to meet someone, its to enjoy your own life. What happens from their is anyone's guess. It may not be easy, it may take awhile. But it will happen.

 

Don't listen to your friend. If you make it out like you can only have one, you'll probably end up with neither. Focus on having fun and making friends. Maybe one of those friends will turn into that girlfriend. Think about it. A hundred female friends is a hundred chances that it grows into more. And its a hundred chances that they know a friend they could set you up with.

[cranberry]

Caldus wrote:

The more you give in to this idea of having to be a certain way and dressing a certain style, the worse it's probably going to get. You'll lose sight of who you really are.

 

I think you have misunderstood me. I clearly said that anybody can remain unique and in style. Why are you assuming that just because someone is in style they have lost their uniqueness? I did not imply anything about "giving in" to a certain style.

Perhaps we should all agree on what the definition of "in style" really is. It seems to me that you (Caldus & Shysoul) believe that being in style means copying the latest trends (whether you like the trends or not) just to fit in; aka a "slave-to-fashion". But in my opinion, being in style shouldn't be stereotyped as strictly conforming to society's so-called fashion standards. Because there are no standards to fashion. Fashion is continuously changing. In fashion you have certain staples (for example, jeans, good-fitting trousers, etc) and with trends you can constantly change (or keep) your look to whatever you like. You can make your own style by incorporating classic pieces with or without the latest trends. Yes that's right, you...yes you (not a fashion magazine) can choose what you wear every single day of your life.

If the blazer is not your thing, then you do not have to feel obligated to wear it. There are hundreds of other things from the season that you could pick and choose from. And if none of those things appeal to you you can always stick to the classic pieces you love, which stick around year-round.

 

Shysoul wrote:

One question: Is a cowboy hat in style? If it is then I won't bother. But if it ISN'T then I think I might like to try it.

If you don't want to wear a cowboy hat (because "everyone else" is wearing one) then don't wear one. But if you feel it represents/fits your personality, and you want to wear a cowboy hat, then go ahead wear it any time.

 

Caldus wrote:

I will stick to my t-shirts and jeans.

 

Honestly who gives a crap what other people think of your outfit.

 

Just a thought, but are you sure you don't give a crap what people think of your outfit? T-shirts and jeans could be interpreted as playing it safe.

And by the way, t-shirts and jeans are classic pieces, so I guess you are in style . Last night, for instance, I saw dozens of guys wearing t-shirts and jeans. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. I'm not saying that all these guys (or you) are playing it safe. I'm saying that what you wear reflects your personality whether you like it or not. I don't think it is shallow to assume at first glance (and by instinct) that Caldus is a relaxed, easy-going kindof guy because he is wearing a t-shirt and jeans.

 

Part of being at peace with yourself is just simply not really giving a **** what other people think of you. Isn't that what attracts women anyway?

Would you rather have me imagine you without clothes on?

Anyway, you're right. Contrary to what Shakespeare (Hamlet) might say, clothes do not make the (whole) man. Personality makes the man. And like I said before, clothes can reflect a little sense of your personality. Fashion isn't about giving an iota what others think of you. Fashion is about how you want to represent yourself to others.

[Caldus]

Just a thought, but are you sure you don't give a crap what people think of your outfit? T-shirts and jeans could be interpreted as playing it safe.

And by the way, t-shirts and jeans are classic pieces, so I guess you are in style . Last night, for instance, I saw dozens of guys wearing t-shirts and jeans. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. I'm not saying that all these guys (or you) are playing it safe. I'm saying that what you wear reflects your personality whether you like it or not. I don't think it is shallow to assume at first glance (and by instinct) that Caldus is a relaxed, easy-going kindof guy because he is wearing a t-shirt and jeans.

 

Not really. I understand your points but most of the time I just throw on whatever shirts I have on without too much thought. Guess I'm not as into fashion as so many other people in the world are today. Let's see, I have an Office Space t-shirt, my tennis club t-shirt, college t-shirt, uh ... some other stuff including the typical jeans and shorts.

 

Would you rather have me imagine you without clothes on?

Anyway, you're right. Contrary to what Shakespeare (Hamlet) might say, clothes do not make the (whole) man. Personality makes the man. And like I said before, clothes can reflect a little sense of your personality. Fashion isn't about giving an iota what others think of you. Fashion is about how you want to represent yourself to others

 

Hey birthday suits are the new thing.

 

If you're talking about clothes in the context of dating, then I would be glad if I ended up not being with a girl just because she hated my clothes or something like that. Makes it easier for me to weed out the girls who are too focused on those trivial things anyway. And yes, I do wash my clothes by the way.

[cranberry]

Guess I'm not as into fashion as so many other people in the world are today.

 

Perhaps we should all agree on what the definition of "in style" [or into fashion] really is. It seems to me that you (Caldus & Shysoul) believe that being in style means copying the latest trends (whether you like the trends or not) just to fit in; aka a "slave-to-fashion". But in my opinion, being in style shouldn't be stereotyped as strictly conforming to society's so-called fashion standards. Because there are no standards to fashion. Fashion is continuously changing. In fashion you have certain staples (for example, jeans, good-fitting trousers, etc) and with trends you can constantly change (or keep) your look to whatever you like. You can make your own style by incorporating classic pieces with or without the latest trends.

 

If you're talking about clothes in the context of dating, then I would be glad if I ended up not being with a girl just because she hated my clothes or something like that. Makes it easier for me to weed out the girls who are too focused on those trivial things anyway.

 

Personality makes the man.

In the context of dating, I regard his personality as the focus not the guy's clothes. Yes clothes are trivial. But clothes can take a voom to a va-voom. One still has voom, but now one has that extra touch.

[Caldus]

One still has voom, but now one has that extra touch.

 

Hey you know they love those t-shirts I wear so I got the va-voom.

[ShySoul]

Well, it doesn't matter what clothes I'm wearing cause when the ladies get a whiff of the rest of what I'm offering, I'll go right past va voom and into va va va voom. Hey, I'll even get a yowzers!!!!

 

Clothes don't add anything to the man, the man adds the touch to the clothes.

[sparkly]

I'm 20 and have never been in a relationship and i won't ever change myself just to get someone else. You shouldn't either.