Is there a such thing as "the one"?

[Carnatic]

Dude you really believe that out of the 3 billion girls in the world only one is right for you? Good luck finding her.

 

If this was true then does that mean that all of my mates who are in love with each other and happily together in long term relationships or even marriage are all either, really really fantastically extraordinary lucky to the tune of winning a 3 billion to one bet, or they are all deluding themselves that their soulmate is really their soulmate.

 

'the one' is a fallacy, think of it as 'the million'

[RayKay]

The One is the one whom you choose to be the "one". Sure, there are other people out there that you could also have a great relationship with...however the One is the person you choose to be the one for you, where you no longer search, and you KNOW you want to be with THIS person and have a relationship with this person.

 

It is when all the compatibilities fit, the communication, the love, respect, honour, compassion are all there, when you both encourage each others growth, when you accept the person for whom they are, not for whom you hope they will be. When you are emotionally fulfilled, when you two both are in it together, and partners in this life.

 

And one thing to remember....if a person does not reciprocate and feel the same way of you, or hurts you or emotionally manipulates and abuses you - they are NOT the one.

 

And yes, I HAVE found the "One" for me, and he has found the "One" for him. But it happened after many years of being with "not the one"'s, or learning whom I was, what relationships were about, what I deserved and what I did not deserve, it was learning that just because you loved someone, did not make them the right person for you, or you for them. But when I was at a great place in my life, felt good about whom I was and knew whom I was, I met the man whom I choose to spend my life with now.

 

Of course, finding the one does not mean the relationship is always perfect or there are never problems, it is about HOW you work through those issues that counts.

 

You truly do KNOW it when you find them.

[ShySoul]

Dude you really believe that out of the 3 billion girls in the world only one is right for you? Good luck finding her.

 

If this was true then does that mean that all of my mates who are in love with each other and happily together in long term relationships or even marriage are all either, really really fantastically extraordinary lucky to the tune of winning a 3 billion to one bet, or they are all deluding themselves that their soulmate is really their soulmate.

 

Thing is, as random as the world seems, there is a an amazing pattern to everything, a beautiful tapesty forming around us. Each person we meet fits into the puzzle that is our life. And "the one" is the piece that makes it all come together. It is in the box, it just may be hard to find.

 

You are looking at it as a numbers game. Love isn't the lottery. There aren't odds. That's a defeatist attitude to take. For your friends, the ones in the relationships may have found the one, they may not have. Only time can tell if its true or if its a false alarm. I don't know them, so I can't say. The married ones, assuming they stay married, aren't lucky as much as they have completed the puzzle.

[Carnatic]

I think you may be look at it too romantically. RayKay had it right, 'the one' is who you choose to be 'the one' and there are millions of people who that could be. I reduced it to numbers because it really is absurd to suggest that there is only one, that is more defeatist than suggesting there are millions, even if it takes some of the specialness away from believing there is only one.

[Huli]

I had this discussion with someone before who only believes in one person as the right person. I said 'I think I disagree', but less politely.

 

To me, there are no 'the one', but a group of 'the ones'. out of this world, couple of people will just fit with you. The more time you spend with someone, let's say for 5 years, wondering whether that person's 'the one' for you, the more you'll be doubting things. Instead, just go on living your life and build up a relationship with that person. Cause when you suddenly feel like he/she's not 'the one', so many years have past, you have lived and built up something with that person that you can't just leave behind so easily. That person has grown into 'the one' for you. Easy as that. The ways of meeting and fitting with that person might differ, but it all ends with a similar situation; you're happy with what you have and you can't imagine leaving it all behind and go hunt for your imaginary 'the one' after all the years you've spend with someone.

 

btw, PendingVendingmachine, if you're age is correct, you're still 16. in that period of time you've found 2 persons you want to spend your life with. You have to endure more suffering and give and take to be able to say that sentence, don't you think?

[ShySoul]

I think you may be look at it too romantically.

 

Yes, I am a romantic so thats how I look at things. But I can back it up with logical stories of people falling in love and knowing that person is the one, then ending up together. My best friends dad knew from the moment he met his wife that she was the one. Didn't choose it, he just knew. And she wasn't interested for the longest time. They drifted apart, he never weavered. And they ended up together.

 

As for being a romantic, no less a wise man then Plato said that the soul which has seen the most of truth is a philosophor or lover.

 

. RayKay had it right, 'the one' is who you choose to be 'the one' and there are millions of people who that could be. I reduced it to numbers because it really is absurd to suggest that there is only one, that is more defeatist than suggesting there are millions, even if it takes some of the specialness away from believing there is only one.

 

If it is so defeatist then how come day after day, person after person is finding "the one"?. How come if you ask them you'll more then likely hear something along the lines of, "I just knew (s)he was the person I wanted to spend my life with." It isn't a choice, its a feeling. I haven't found "the one yet" so I'm going off of what other couples have told me, couples that have been together many a year. As for my experience, I have been in love once. I did not choose to fall in love with her, I did. I even tried to fight it, tried to choose not to love her. But I couldn't. It simple happened and I had to go along for the ride. The same thing happens when you find "the one." You do not make a conscious choice, you get this feeling in you that says, "my god, he's the one I want to be with forever." Ever hear stories of older couples reminising about the moment they realized they were in love? Those stories don't go, "So, I ran this guy over in my head and I decided I would choose him to be the one."

 

The only problem with thinking that there is one person out there is when you start to overdo it. If you get to the point where you sizing everyone up and asking if he or she is the one, then you are missing out on the point. Your putting extra pressure on yourself to find him or her, and that can bring depression should you not encounter the person soon. But the best attitude to take is to believe in that one special person that is out there, that you will find, and know that eventually you will be together but you will let it happen when it happens. You don't have the problems of worrying about it, you still get the magic, and when it does happen, you'll be in pure bliss.

[Carnatic]

Yes, I am a romantic so thats how I look at things. But I can back it up with logical stories of people falling in love and knowing that person is the one, then ending up together.

 

Well people saying that they know the person they are with is 'the one' is not proof that there is only one person they could be happy with.

 

And there is nothing unromantic about believing that there is more than one person you could be happy with. Naturally when you find someone you are extremely happy with you can't imagine yourself being with anyone else... you will say that this person is 'the one' but this is just a figure of speech, it does not mean that there is only one person you could be happy with.

 

Saying there is only one can lead to people feeling that searching for love is pointless, that when they see 'the one' the love will just be instant. yes love does come when you least expect it, but you have to do a bit of looking for it, you can't just sit their waiting for it to come to you.

[wind]

I say there is no such thing as 'the one'

we try our best to keep in touch with society.try our best to invite someone to our lives.

But if that person doesn't like us they'll leave us,and we start looking again until we find someone that we like and accept us too,that many of us call them 'the one'

[ShySoul]

Well people saying that they know the person they are with is 'the one' is not proof that there is only one person they could be happy with.

 

The proof is in the test of time. It's in pledging youself to someone and sticking in out til death do you part. They really are then the one who you are with forever.

 

Naturally when you find someone you are extremely happy with you can't imagine yourself being with anyone else... you will say that this person is 'the one' but this is just a figure of speech, it does not mean that there is only one person you could be happy with.

 

Guess you haven't felt the feeling off finding the one then. Because when you do you know that it is more then a figure of speech. It is something that engulfs your very being and you honestly can't imagine ever being with anyone. That is real love. It's something that most can't understand until they feel it in their souls. But its funny, when people go through it for real, the non believers tend to convert pretty easily.

 

Saying there is only one can lead to people feeling that searching for love is pointless, that when they see 'the one' the love will just be instant. yes love does come when you least expect it, but you have to do a bit of looking for it, you can't just sit their waiting for it to come to you.

 

Nope, you don't have to look at all. In fact, you don't even need to think about it. Put it all aside and focus on living your life. Life is a wonderful, although sometimes confusing and often dreary, tapestry. It all weaves together to form the picture of our existence. And part of that picture is love. It will all work out, and love will find you. I have done zero looking, and love managed to find me twice. So don't think, don't try, just let things be. Live in the moment and let it happen naturally. Searching for love is pointless, because when you search for something like that it usually becomes more elusive. To quote a song, "you can't hurry love, no you just have to wait."

[Carnatic]

Clearly neither of us are going to suddenly convert to the other's point of view... I knew this to begin with anyway. So I'll just briefly sum up what I've been saying for the benefit of anyone who comes along now.

 

I believe that there is more than one girl out of the three billion in the world with whom I could be happy. Who I find love with is dependent on a number of factors. Not that I want to take away any of the magic of falling in love, I just don't think that there is only one... as a matter of fact if their was only one then that would be reason for me to be very depressed and pessimistic because chances would be she lives on the other side of the world and I would never even see her.

 

Carnatic

[MissJones]

I don't believe there is only one person out there for all of us and that we have to find that person in order to find complete happiness and contentment.

 

I do believe that whoever I end up with will be the one that I love dearly and want to share everything with but that being said, I think that in every country and every state in the world, I would find someone who I could be equally happy with.

[Rainz]

The one, I really believed in "the One", it's a qauestion I'm still not sure of whether there is just one "one" or not.

In my twenties I had 2 relationships with guys who felt like the one, time revealed otherwise, I was left totallu heartbroken and devastated by both of them. Recently had met a guy, I would have sworn up and down, that he really was "the One", time again revealed to me otherwise, again I've been left to move on and heal from the devasation and heartbreak once again. This most recent ex really felt like the person I'm supposed to be with and love forever.......so I'm totally undecided about whether we have just one "one" or many "ones". If we only get one, then I may as well just not bother with relationships because I've already exceeded that quota! Or maybe they just weren't ever, true "ones"....

[wlfpack81]

Nope...soul mates don't exist.

[Zerohero]

Nope...soul mates don't exist.

 

I'm starting to believe this sadly.

[Carnatic]

I'm starting to believe this sadly.

 

Well all it is to say is that finding love isn't as simple as waiting for 'the one' to come along, you do have to engage in a bit of looking around. It doesn't mean that no-one will be perfect for you. Well maybe not perfect if there's no such thing as perfect, but pretty damn close.

[ShySoul]

You don't have to look around. Cause "The One" will come to us when it is right. It could be anybody. It could be someone we have known for years and suddenly see differently. We could one day realize that we have been searching for so long when everything we have ever wanted was right in front of us the whole time. We don't find love, love finds us. And all the searching could just leave us alone and discouraged. It will happen when it is right, it always does.

[Double J]

There's that saying that goes along the lines of, "if there's a will, there's a way." In my opinion, if two people truly care about one another and work hard to make a relationship work, then Tom, for example, could ultimately have a meaningful and long-lasting relationship with Ana as he could with Sarah.

 

I disagree with ShySoul on some points. It's very easy to give yourself unconditionally to someone once things are nice and dandy and consider the person to be the center of your universe, but if it doesn't work out, you're eventually gonna look for someone else to claim that position. And the person with which you end up with at the very end, obviously, is going to be reasoned as "the person who was the one for me all along."

 

There are billions of people in this world. To say that only ONE person is the one for you is a very implausible thing to say, in my opinion. I've been with my g/f for almost 8 months now. I'm as happy as can be, and I love her dearly. I do feel that she's the perfect one for me, but that isn't to say that if I wouldn't have met her, and would have met someone else instead, that THAT relationship couldn't have worked out the same.

[Carnatic]

You don't have to look around. Cause "The One" will come to us when it is right. It could be anybody. It could be someone we have known for years and suddenly see differently. We could one day realize that we have been searching for so long when everything we have ever wanted was right in front of us the whole time. We don't find love, love finds us. And all the searching could just leave us alone and discouraged. It will happen when it is right, it always does.

 

I don't want to offend you and if I do then my apology is here in advance, and don't think of this as flaming, but if you keep this attitude then you will always be single.

[ShySoul]

Carnatic,

 

That attitude has this year alone got two girls to fall in love with me. It also got lots of girls noticing me and complimenting me, as well as a fair share of heavy duty flirting. Got me spending the night with a girl, got me cuddling up with her. It got me my first kiss. It got me having some very heated discussions with other girls. I'm in no danger of always being single, I could probably get a girlfriend if I really wanted to. But it's not about getting a girlfriend, its about getting the right girlfriend. It's about finding "the one." And if I haven't met someone that I am interested in or think she could be the one, then I'm not going to worry about it. Love will happen when its right. Always does.

 

Double J,

 

And the one you do end up with will be the one. Everyone else will be the stars that point you on your way to the final destination that is everlasting love. They are the ones that hurt you cause it doesn't work out and you have to go through all the pain of breaking up. You go through the disappointment of getting your hopes up and believing all your dreams have come true only to see it was a false alarm. But those false alarms are what helps us to see and appreciate true, everlasting love when it does finally come our way.

 

If there wasn't such a thing as "the one" then couldn't you theoretically take two people at random, make sure there hearts are set on making each other the one, and let their will power to always be together be what leads them to a way to make it happen? Clearly that isn't going to happen. (And the issue of arrange marriages are slightly different as there are certain cultural aspects that changes things slightly.) Each day people are getting married, those marriages last until death do us part, and they know they have found the one.

 

Non believers will not believe. They will not be convinced. At least, not until they find the one. Then their attitude really changes.

 

"Every long lost dream lead me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you"

 

"Bless the Broken Road" - Rascall Flatts

[Carnatic]

Shysoul

 

So you have had plenty of chances to get a girlfriend, but you haven't found 'the one' yet? You never will find 'the one' with this attitude though, you might find the perfect girl, you might fall in love, but since she won't be 'the one' because chances are she won't be absolutely perfect for you in every little way, she won't just fit into every single desire you have and she won't immediately and instantaneously ring a little bell in your head that says 'I am the one' so you might have a great time with her, and ultimately you will fall in love. But reluctantly you will let her go because she isn't 'the one' and you are hangin on doggedly to the idea that when 'the one' comes along alarm bells will ring and you will not have to put in any effort whatsoever.

 

Are you really suggesting that this might happen? Next time you meet a girl, ask yourself how happy you could be with her, don't just hold her to this arbitrarily impossible standard of being 'the one'

 

Because what you seem to be saying is that it is more important that she fits that description than all the other things that would make her your perfect girl.

 

And by the way. How does there not being such a thing as the one equate to it being possible for two randomly selected people to always fall in love with eachother. It's not a case of one or nothing. it's a case of several million out of a few billion

[ShySoul]

Carnatic,

 

Hey buddy. How are things going for you? Hope you are doing well today.

 

First let me say that I enjoy a friendly discussion and am not offended by what you are saying. Hope you don't feel offended by anything I say. But I believe passionately in this, so I'm speaking whats on my mind. Hope you enjoy it.

 

I have the confidence in myself to know that just because I haven't had a girlfriend, does not reflect upon me. I'm not going to adopt the attitude that something must be wrong with me because I haven't had one, that would only serve to make me depressed. I look at things objectively. And what I see is a case of very bad timing and unfortunate luck. Girls who are taken, girls who aren't ready for a relationship, girls in other parts of the world, other circumstances.... annoying but somewhat humorous when I think about it. Circumstances haven't been right.

 

It's not that I am picky. I don't go around comparing girls to some checklist of things I want from her. I don't even go around looking for someone or expecting anything to happen. I just get to know the person and see what happens. I do not expect perfection from her, no one is perfect. I will love her faults and all. She doesn't need to be perfect, because in my eyes she will be. All I ask from her is to love and undestand me, to be there with me in good times and bad, sickness and health, etc. Anything else, doesn't matter cause I'll love the person.

 

I will have to put in some effort, relationships are about communication afterall. But the actual falling in love won't be extra work needed. It will flow. Of the handful of girls I've ever "liked" it did just hit me suddenly, like alarm bells ringing off. With the one girl I got close to, it hit me suddenly and she even said she liked me first. Another girl said she liked me, and it also happened automatically, no work necessary. Unfortunately, we weren't in a position to act on the attraction.

 

I'm not holding anyone to a standard. I'm not going to go around looking at girls and wondering if I could be happy with her or is she is "the one." I am simple going to appreciate her company and be friends with her. Should something happen, it will happen naturally through the course of our friendship. My feelings for her will grow naturally, as will hers for me.

 

What I am saying is that the one I end up with will be the one. It it will happen in its own way and its own time. I can't make it happen. You can't hurry love. So I'm just not going to worry about it. I'm not looking for the one. I'm not looking for anything. I'm letting it come to me. I'm living my life. And should I meet someone, should she end up being the one, it will all happen naturally. I will find myself wrapped up in the wonder, surprise, and magic.There is no description of the perfect girl, of "the one." Well, except for the description of the one I end up with. And that will attend to itself.

 

With my two random people example I was trying to get to the idea that if there was no such thing as the one, and that our willpower made a relationship work (as I believe someone said, may have been another post though and I got it confused) then two random people who were determined to make each other the one would use their willpower to make it work and it would work. But that clearly isn't going to always work.

 

People who speak against the one turn it into a numbers game. But love isn't about the numbers. You can throw in all the mathematically examples you want, doesn't mean anything. I've always loved numbers and math puzzels. I studied accounting and finance. Numbers can be manipulated and lie. Look at Enron. You can say that it is one in a billion, doesn't change the fact that people are finding that one in a billion every single day. Ask them, and they will tell you they have found the one. Don't believe know, you will later.

[Carnatic]

I like to weigh off my romantic side with a bit of realism, keeps me from getting false hopes... this situation is maybe the opposite, in that I would very much hope that there was more than one girl in the world that I could be happy with. But I don't want to say that falling in love, or the feeling of finding that special person doesn't exist, it's purely the idea of there only being one that I dispute.

 

Most of what you said just there I believe could just as easily happen without there needing to be a limit of one placed on the number of girls who are right for you (or me). In my time I have met a number of girls who were right for me, except for one crucial element. they weren't attracted to me. Now it may be that girls who are both right for me and who are attracted to me are rarer than ducks teeth but saying there was only one would for me be taking rarity to a ridiculous extreme.

 

Relationships do take something special to make them happen, it all doesn't just click from the offset. I'm glad you do understand after all. For a bit there I was beginning to get this image of you just going around not meeting girls and waiting for the one to find you. In my opinion the successful relationship is 1% physical attraction, 9% compatability and 90% circumstance. Circumstance includes both partners inputs into the relationship. Sometimes you will find someone who fits that first 10% but the circumstances just won't be right, maybe she lives too far away, maybe you aren't in the right frame of mind to fall in love at that time, maybe you don't get the breaks and end up never getting to know her.

[ShySoul]

I know I always sound optimistic and fanciful. But I call myself a realistic optomist. I know that things aren't always perfect or magical. But if you always deal with the harshness of reality, you can easily get lost in it. I'm very realistic in how things will play out, but I keep my eye on the dream, combining the best of everything.

 

You object to the term "the one." I think its not something that should really be debated. As I've said, when me meet the one, then we believe in the one. The other girls you mentioned, they were not the one. There were some of the many false alarms and close calls that people encounter. So many of us let ourselves believe that they either could have been or were the one. But if they were really the one, it would have worked. At the time our feelings are so strong we believe them to be the one. But when you do finally meet the one, its much more powerful and you just know.

 

Actually, I do just wait for the one to find me. I don't go around meeting girls. Relationships aren't a priority, if I don't have one for 10 years I won't mind. Things will happen in due time, when it is right. Live life. If something happens, see where it leads. If something doesn't happen right away, I'm not going to force it. I say its 1% physical (less but I'll round it up to be generous), 5% circumstances, 94% compatibility. Cause if the person is truly the one, circumstances would not get in the way. And even if the circumstances do at first, it may be a delay, not the end.

[NR498E]

The idea of a soulmate is just a bunch of romantic crap that kills more relationships than it helps.The divorce rate as everybody knows is about %50 and it is estimated that of the %50 that stay married %50 of those marriges are unhappy, and those couples only stay together because they are dependent on each other.Dependency is often mistaken for love.The i cant live without him or her is a common saying.Your better off to be dependent on heroin.Heroin will never let you down.Anyway, way to often people give up on a relationship because difficulties arise that they are not willing to work through.They figure if this is such a problem there must be someone better.Its is a search that some people spend there whole lives on.Theyll never find it.Anything worth having takes work.And true love is sepratness if you need someone to be happy youre more likely to be dependent than in love.So of the %50 that do get a divorce its estimated that %25 of the couples would have lived happily together, if they would of tried counseling or somthin.IInstead they decided to find the mythical "one".That they will never fight with and just get along with perfectly.Society tells us thats how its supposed to be.Its simply not true.Well its maybe true for %25 of marriges.But those are not very good odds.

[ShySoul]

Major factor in the high divorce rate is that many don't take the time to ensure that the person they are marrying is truly the one before they get married. They think that once they get married everything will be perfect. They get caught in the fantasy of making this one person the one without looking at it objectively and truly seeing if he or she is the one.

 

If a person is truly the one, it will work. But you need to make sure the person is first, taking the time to see it before you rush into something serious.