need advice - how long N/C?

[studygirl]

I need some advice...I am going on 2 weeks since my b/f broke up with me and things have been getting better for me. Today (so far) is the first day that I have not cried, so I look at that as quite the accomplishment. Background - we were together for almost 2 years, we were friends for 3 years prior to becoming a couple. 6 months out of the year we were long-distance, I would only see him once a month or so, our relationship was mainly via phone for those 6 months.

 

Two months into the relationship (nothing had been defined at that point, we weren't officially saying we were b/f, g/f) I was at his house and found a pair of earrings next to his bed. I don't have my ears pierced so I asked him about them, to which he told me he thought his brother had put them in his room. I was like, whatever, we aren't really a "couple" so I can't go psycho on him or be possessive, really. About 15 minutes later he admitted that they were his ex-girlfriend's earrings - she had apparently been upset about their breakup, came over to talk to him, and strategically placed them by his bed so I would find them. Seemed reasonable enough to me, but I was wary to get into a really serious relationship when I didn't know what was up.

 

Over the course of the next year, we went through all the motions of a true couple, but neither of us sat down and talked about it. Communicating well is a very big issue for both of us. I grew up in a non-affectionate family, so I am not really good at mush/lovey stuff. I think we were both just waiting for the other to make the first step at talking about love, etc. But in the meantime, I had become very close to his family, everyone that knew us knew that we were together, we even talked about having children. In my mind, we were a solid couple, even though we didn't express "love" in the gushy sense.

 

One big issue that we always had is communication. Many times he would say things that I would misinterpret, and then get upset over, and vice versa. Many hurt feelings and arguments erupted over misinterpretations of the others words. Most of the time when he would explain what he really meant, I would understand and be cool with it. However, when I would explain what I really meant, he would still go on his misinterpretation and use it against me in arguments. He would also tell me that I would try to say the opposite of what he said just to be difficult, when all I would do is express a differing opinion. General communication problems.

 

Well, a month ago, he was out of town, and just didn't call me for a week. He tried to tell me it was because he just had oral surgery, but prior to then he always at least called to say good night or whatever. So finally I SMS'd him saying "I get the distinct feeling that you don't want me in your life anymore". What followed was a bunch of SMS from him saying how he was confused, he felt like we were never in a real relationship, he doesn't feel like I am serious about our relationship, etc. I tell him to quit texting, and start talking. After a long phone conversation, where he kept telling me that he didn't want to break up, etc, I told him that I thought we both needed some time alone to figure out what was going on, a "break" but not necessarily a "breakup". During the 2 week break I read books on relationships and communication, talked to friends and relatives and even a counselor on how I can communicate better.

 

During the break he is still inviting me to go to dinner with him and his family, go to dinner with them, etc. So I am thinking that we are just working things out. Well, one day I went to his house (he wasn't home,I needed to pick something up ) and found a bunch of pictures of him and some girl (July 3). I called him and he didn't call me back for 2 days. Finally when he called me back he kept bringing up how I try to discredit everything he says, how I was never serious about our relationship, etc etc, all on the phone. So he broke up with me on the phone (July 5).

 

I was really upset that he didn't have the respect for me to break up with me in person so I told him that if he has anything else to say he needs to say it in person. On July 7 we finally had a face-to-face talk where we let everything out (stuff that should have been said months ago,but both of us kept inside and let get to this point). I confronted him about the girl, and he said he slept with her for the first time during our "break". So one question I have is: Did he cheat on me? He claims that yes, they spent time together a month prior, but the first time that he slept with her was the past week.

 

My situation is really complicated too, in that I just moved into a condo that he owns a month ago. So not only is he now my ex, but he is my landlord. I would not have moved in if I had known all this was going on in his head, but he never told me anything. He knew all this a month ago when I moved in but let me move in. I feel really weird living here, but I can't really afford (time or money) to go through ANOTHER move when I just moved. WHY DID HE LET ME MOVE IN HIS CONDO WHEN ALL THIS WAS GOING ON???

 

And yet another question: while we were talking (July 7) he kept saying how confused he was, and how he needs to get his head right. How he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. So I said,"well I guess it is just not in my life plan to be with you" to which he responded "not in my life plan RIGHT NOW". What the hell does that mean??? I should also mention that I found out that he took the other girl to Vegas the weekend after we "officially" broke up. What is that all about? I need a guy's perspective. He kept saying how hard this whole breakup is and how hurt he is, then he takes some other chick on a vacation???

 

So the last time I talked to him was earlier this week - my garage door was not working so he had to come over and fix it. I was not home, so he called me a few times to let me know he was there. I was very short with him on the phone, basically"ok, yes, thanks, bye, click". He has been trying to be "friends" and I don't know what I want right now. What do I do at this point? I am pretty sure that I am going to see him on Monday (we have a mutual event that we will be at) - should I talk to him or what?? It is just weird to go from talking about having a baby to this in just 2 months. I am also really close to his family - read my previous post:

link removed

 

Sorry for the extremely long post, any advice is appreciated.

[toad4466]

I understand the diificulty of this situation. But always remember that people who keep secrets and behave sneakily are not good. A relationship should be open and well communicated, this guy seems to care about himself and try and throw you off his trail. Think of him as your Landlord now, and dont listen to his charming mush, im a guy and I know what a powerful weapon this can be. But I guy who is so deceptive should be given a wide berth. If you dont feel comfy with your living arrangments then move out! It will be akward and stressful, but you deserve better!

Ben

[Echo]

Ok....I found out recently my ex slept with someone 4 months ago...(so he says)...I cut him off right then and there. It has been one week today since he told me. I am sure he is surprised I haven't contacted him, as I have ALWAYS been the one to beg him back when we fought, or "broke up". I feel relieved I hung up on him and told him he will not see me again. He told me he slept with someone else...what did he expect to gain by telling me that? He got exactly what he wanted...for me to end it, so it would be MY decision and not his..thus for him to be guilt free. My point for telling you this is this....I did not let emotion cloud my judgement...you need to look at the COLD HARD FACTS...that is HE cheated on you...probably MORE than once, no matter HOW he tries to justify it. You found earrings in his bedroom... come on!!!! His ex planted them there???? Please don't tell me you bought that!! Think think think...

 

As for your living situation...I would try to get out ASAP...BUT if you can't, then pay your rent on time...and call him with any maintenance problems. Don't engage in small talk or about the relationship if he has to come by.

 

You've let him slide way too many times....Do NC if you can. He is a sneaky, mistrustful person. Post here often, it will help.

Good luck!!!

[studygirl]

You guys are so right. I have found a lot of solace in this forum, I am so glad I came accross it. The more I think about the relationship, the more I think about how many things there were wrong with it. Thank goodness I am not pregnant!! I just wish it didn't take 2 years of my life to get to this point...

[saltwatergirl]

Hey girl. I'm not a guy but I'll post a reply anyway.

 

The earring story is lame... but, you already know that. I dont think you should spend anymore time on that, just let it go. You will *never* know the answer to that one anyway. He wont ever cop to that. Okay?

 

The statement about "not in my life plan RIGHT NOW" is his attempt to not burn the bridge in case at some future point, he decides he wants to have you again. Keep you open to the possibility. He is being deceptive---take heed to this please..

 

I also think he is "picking" at you or throwing a bunch of excuses at you (things youve done wrong, etc) that he hopes will mask the fact that he is bailing. Switch & bait. Don't fall for that, please. I'm sure you BOTH made mistakes in the past.

 

My hunch is he is unsure of what to do with you, so doesnt want to cut ties completely until making up his mind for sure. what reasons might have caused that? Who knows, he isnt being honest enough with you for you to know that right now.

 

What you are doing right now is going back over EVERYTHING that has been done or said and analyzing it all, to try and make sense of something....Think about it, do you have this much trouble "understanding" or communicating with ANYONE ELSE in your life? Probably not. Its just a tactic of deception. Dont waste your time trying to "understand" or "talk", you cant understand or reason with someone who isn't being honest.

 

I wouldn't stress over whether or not to talk if you see him. Take things as they come and if you feel like talking to him, fine. Dont have any hidden agenda, expectation, or secret wish. Dont go out of your way to avoid, or to engage. Just go with the flow & do what YOU want. Unfortunatley, we sometimes just come accross cons.

 

Think about this: If he were truly wanting this, would he actually sit there and allow all of this confusion and uncertainty to go on? Would he avoid talking to you about it? Of course not. He would be more than willing to get past this & get you 2 on to better days. Right?

 

when you step away from it you will see it , and him, more clearly. Trust me. You're doing fine, don't stop now.

 

Salt

[Akua]

Your story, up to the 2 months and thinking he might have cheated but you weren't "official" yet, sounds just like mine. I was the exact same way. the only difference was it was long distance. But he broke up with me and never gave me a real answer. One day it was I deserved better. Another day it was me and my walls. He was sneaky and woudl talk me out of my suspicions. I'll never know.

 

Here's the thing. Do NC. I have for 1 month and 3 weeks. He was all wishy washy wanting me to be friends and still fly to see him and sleep with him. That was my last straw and cut it off. Now he has called four times. Has sent me a letter. And emailed me. Stay strong though, bc he still has not said he wants back together. At first it was he misses me. THen it the letter was why he did it. Then the email was how dear I am to him.

 

When he comes back, you really have to think about what wasn't discussed in your relationship. It shouldn't be that hard ot communicate with him. I know I communicate but I couldn't with that guy. DO you want that in your life? Trust your gut and instinct. Those are a woman's best friend. Even if nothing ever happened, omittion is just as bad as lying. Relationships are about communicating.

 

When you start getting angry with him and NCing, he might get angry. it is all about control and as your land lord, he cannot be trusted. Move. it will save you a lot in the long run. Plus you cannot get him out of your life if you are still connected to him some way or another.

 

If you ever find that you can have a relationship with him again, let me know. Right now I am in the position where he wants to communicate with me, but I just don't know if it si for the control or bc he wants me. How can you trust someone who is sneaky, right? Good luck!