...Just confused...

[truthbetold]

Well I don't have much time to write this, because I have to get ready for work, so I'll try to make it short and sweet.

I have a b/f he is 29 and I am only 19. The first nite I met him he was already telling me he loved me! He told me lots of things about marriage and kids. And btw he is separated (but married) and he has 2 technically 3 kids. Because of all this info I freaked out the first couple times we had plans (group plans not even just me and him) and I pretty much just ignored him. Finally after a while, he "kinda" got a new g/f and I got jealous and she hated me from the moment she saw me because before they even started a relationship he told her he liked me better. I told him he shouldn't have done that but the instant he saw me jealous he dumped her and we started going out. We have been going out for a month and a week now. We have not left each other's side except when we had to work. I LOVE being around him and the same with me, but even at first I told him he will get sick of me if I'm always around. He assured me he wouldn't, which made me happy. I haven't been bothered by him, but I keep thinking things which I know I shouldn't be. Before I even met him I liked someone else, and I still keep having that what if on my mind even though I shouldn't because I e-mailed him about my feelings...but he never responded! My b/f things I am not open enough with him and I have told him that I have been trying, I am not an open person and it's hard for me to be so trusting because of my past. And I keep having concerns because of his past. He has cheated on his wife numerous times and claims that he would NEVER do it to me, but I still have my doubts I told him "you must've said the same thing to your wife at some point" and he gets upset but I tell him what am I supposed to think, so far he has been good and I trust him as completely as I have ever trusted anyone, and I love him to death, but I still can't help but feel that if I am not with him, I might just decide to leave him... I don't know why I feel this way...

 

Sry I gtg to work, I will try and fix this post later, I just needed to get it off my chest now.

[BellaDonna]

It sounds liek the 2 of you are on different pages. He's ready to settle down- to open up quickly, to spend a lot of time. You like him, but just don't have the same idealogies as him.

 

It's likely due to the age difference. At 19 you want to explore, at 29 he wants to find someone he can build a future with.

 

My best advice would be take it slow, be honest with him, and don't string him along or give him any false hopes. Try to keep his feelings in mind and avoid hurting him. Cheating in the past is a bad sign- but I do think some people can grow from it and they truly reform if they find happiness in a relationship.

 

Sometimes if you doubt a relationship early on- it's best not to drag it out because it only hurts worse later. Listen to yourself and be honest with both him and yourself at all times.

 

BellaDonna

[Blurr]

The age difference is definitely a contributing factor to the issues you two are experiencing.

 

At your age, much as BellaDonna said, you are just beginning to find out about yourself and about life. I think back to when I was 19 and how I am now and know that I am a completely different person.

 

At 29 I'm sure I'll be even more different and have a different world perspective than I do now.

 

I generally don't view relationships with such a large age gap as possible because the people are just at different points in their life and have different priorities (especially when one person has kids, a HUGE responsibility).

 

I'm just a little suspect of your situation since you said he was saying he 'loved' you the first time you met...doesn't that seem odd to you? And the fact that he isn't even divorced yet from his wife is another factor that worries me...there could always be the possibility that he could get back together with her and you end up with a broken heart.

 

My advice would be to let him go and find someone who is ready for what he has planned in life...you are young and have many more years of flirting and dating ahead of you. you don't need to get tied down to the first charming guy who comes along.

 

Just my $0.2

[Meow18]

I don't know about this guy. First he's telling you he loves you right away. How many other girls do you think he pulls that one with? I mean, he basically told you without knowing you and then he starts dating someone else until he realizes you like him.. So basically that just seems like a line he uses to get girls..

 

You can feel a strong attraction to someone when you first meet them, but love? He didn't even know you.

 

Also, he cheated on his ex wife numerous times? Honestly, I wouldn't trust him. What makes you so special that he won't cheat on you? I would have thought the mother of his children would have been special, but yet he cheated on her.

 

You may really like this guy, but he just doesn't seem right. You have only been dating for like a month. Just because he's telling you he loves you and all about marriage and opening completely up to you on the first night does not mean that you have to also. Maybe it takes you awhile to open up to a person. He should respect this.

 

Honestly, I don't think you should just leave him because he said he loved you the first time you met him. However, just keep your eyes open. .If something doesn't seem right, or if you find out that he's been lying about anything at all, then really think about it. This guy doesn't seem like one that can be trusted at all.

 

Also, this is your life. You control who is in it. You can control who you give your heart to. You can't control who you fall for, but you can control whether or not you allow someone to disrespect you or hurt you. If this guy is undeserving, then realize it.

[truthbetold]

Some of what you guys said is right but some is too sterotypical. Yes I am 19 but I have been watching my lil' sister since I was 11 (she is ten yrs younger than me) I have taken care of her her whole life and she is my life. I base alot of my big choices on her alone, she is just like my own child and anyone who disagrees either (a) doesn't know me or (b) has never had to care for another being. Yes he is on a slightly different page...but not far from my own. He was married already and has kids. There is no real chance for them to get back together because he has introduced me to his entire family, and I have introduced him to mine. He has repeatedly had to tell people that he is not getting back with his wife because they were married for soo long. I have not had many real boyfriends, nothing like this I should say, but this is kind of what I wanted. I never wanted someone who was only there for the fling. I didn't want someone who was going to make empty promises that he would claim one day than change when he's talking with his friends or w/e. I wanted someone who would look at the big picture and see what could happen in the future without making any huge promises (like marriage or kids) Yes I am "just starting" my life, but that doesn't mean anything. I like older men to begin with the one I was obsessed with before my b/f is 40, so ten years doesn't seem that bad huh?

I have told him myself that saying he loves me and everything the first time he met me was very sketchy but there was a big attraction and he knew about me from my friend (who is who hooked us up in the first place)

He did cheat on his wife numberous times, but he has told me that he never really wanted to be with her, he only married her because she got pregnant and when he was going to leave the second time, she got pregnant again. He was just too miserable and cheated on her so she would leave him. As of now she still wants him back and is going to make a divorce absolute hell.

[Meow18]

I have no problems with the age. I think that you are old enough to make your own decisions.

 

What I find a problem with is that you are making excuses for his cheating on his wife and for him saying he loved you right away. Actually he's the one making excuses, but it's no better for you to go along with them and believe them.

 

Do you really think that his reason for cheating was ok?? What if he had a "good excuse" for cheating on you? Would you be ok with it? I don't think there is ever a right reason for cheating. If he didn't want to be with her, then he needed to do something more mature about it and less hurtful to his ex.

[truthbetold]

I do understand Maggie, thank you. I dont' think it was right for him to cheat on his wife under any circumstances. And I have told him time and time again that I will not tolerate cheating. I told him I will always have doubts in my mind because of his past, I can't just delete that information. I have a great deal of faith in him and that is not something I usually do with anyone (I can't even trust my own family) But unless he gives me a reason to doubt him, I will believe that he will not cheat on me, that's just how it goes to have a relationship right? And I have let someone cheat on me before without any serious reprocussions from me, and all it did was cause problems, I am not willing to let that happen again.

 

It's hard to do but I believe all people have the capability to change and although I can't see how he could've changed from what he was to who he seems to be now, I have been told that it is possible. I have been told by his friends and relatives how happy he gets when he talks about me or when he's around me as compared to anyone else. It is significant. He told me something that I thought to be completely stupid before, he told me that he never really had a conscience and he finally got one, or rather more of one sometime after he started seeing me. I didn't really believe it, but besides his kids he's never really cried over anyone. I was the one who kept blowing him off in the first place and he kept coming back like a hurt puppy and it was sad and I was stringing him along...because I had another man in mind. But it showed a completely different side to everyone who knows him.

 

I still don't know what to do, or what I should feel. I love him, I love being with him. Right now I can't see my life without him. We make each other happy. He gets me things, and I him. We only had one disagreement which was last nite over something I didn't tell him, but besides that, everythings been good, and I hope it continues.