Newly dumped, need help to get over being a mope

[lovemycoffee41]

My bf and I broke up a couple days ago (I was the dumpee). He cited reasons that he doesn't see a future with us. Ok that hurt enough, but then he went on. "I feel the same for you, that hasn't changed"...ok..."I dont want to break up with you"...then what the heck are you doing? But it's over. Basically I know it hasn't been a week yet, but this is the first time my heart has been broken and I'm not sure how to handle it, especially if I'm getting crap lines like that. How would that make you feel? He called me the day after we broke up, telling me he misses me and wants to call me etc etc. Geesh, I want to hold out on hope so much...that he really misses me and will come back. So I find it hard to keep the lines of communication closed when I hope and pray he'll come back to me. But I know I need to close them for me also in case he doesn't come back. I think he only is calling me to see how I am and to make sure he doesn't feel so bad about hurting me. I really want to tell him screw off, it hurts. Leave me alone. But then the feelings of longing and missing and wanting to be with him ache.

 

Well we got the part where I'm heartbroken, at a serious loss, don't know what to do I'm so out of it.

 

The hardest part was that we A. spent all of our time together and B. have the same best friends. Yeah I knew this would be an issue if we broke up, but honestly, didn't see it coming. I met him through our friends. We never fought, barely had any disagreements. So now that I'm in severe need of not being alone, to be with people, it's hard to do since my closest friends are his. For example, last night I went to a movie and then heading home decided to detour by my friend Jamie's house so we could talk. Well he was there at 1130 at night (all the lights were on) and I first felt uncontrollable, crying and sobbing and just drove home. It really hit me. He doesn't want to be with me, but has no problems being with our friends...I'm trying to accept all of this, but wow. I'm a mess.

 

I've read other threads and they've helped me realize I'm not the only person going through this although it feels like that. I feel alone, except with the love and support of my family. But I wish my friends weren't in a hard spot, between me and him. But how can I improve myself and become a better person, someone who can look inside herself and find who she is and be strong because of that, without the help of people I consider friends?

 

And advice, personal stories, are welcome. I need to get better for myself, not for this loser. But if only I wished he was a loser, then this would be easier...all my friends love him. He is a great guy and it just didn't work out for us...help please.

[MaxPayne19]

Breaking up is always a terrible thing to go through, but as my friends have told me life goes on and the pain eventually goes away. Your boyfriend seemed really kind of mean saying those things right to your face. It seems like he is not being very mature about the whole situation, almost like he could be hiding something from you. I would probably go to one of your close friends and find out some of the things that they talked about when he hangs out with them. No matter how great people make him seem he obviously has some issues and insecurities with himself if he could just let someone go that cared for him so much. Just try your best to stay relaxed about the whole thing and just find some time when you get just be around your friends by yourself and without him around. Good luck.

[Muppet]

Thats alot... first of all, I think everyone should be happy with who they are, and it can't be easy.. this is the sorta thing that takes time.. I have alot in mind but I dont know if what i say will affect you in the wrong way, so I'll just say.. hang out there.. a broken heart can be fixed.. talk too friends, I think that should help..

 

Maybe the "I feel the same for you, that hasnt changed" is just him not wanting you too feel awkward being with him as a friend...

As I use too say, most people mostly means well..

 

Hope things works out, even though I dont think I've been of much help...

 

nothing too rational said?

 

take care!

[lady00]

Initiate no contact...it will help. It's going to be hard but don't take his calls that only make you feel worse. It's selfish of him to dump you and then call saying how much he misses you. He can't have it both ways...either you're together or it's over and he is left missing you. I think you're right though...he feels guilty and that is probably why he calls but he probably does miss you too, just not enough to get back together. Sorry...it will get better but you need at least a certain period of NC to see that.

[sandela]

It's true - no contact is really the only only way to get through a break up. I just went thru this in May. We didn't share too many friends so I don't know what that would be like. He's not friends with the other couple we hung out with. I however am still good friends with the woman from the couple.

 

But truly if you don't have any contact - it makes it easier day by day. I know it feels like you're never going to stop crying or that things will ease up - they do. I also thought getting back into a relationship would help get over it - it didn't. I've even been talking online to a guy in California for the last couple of months - now I am going to visit in August - another story.

 

With my breakup - I was with a man who had this "cave" thing going on with him. He was a man with some issues - some of which have been resolved. But his reasoning for breaking up with me and continuing to be broken up was he wanted to be alone. I had no choice - I could not make a fool of myself by tracking him down etc - I'm 41 and he's 55 - I knew I had to act like an adult even though I felt like a child in so much pain.

 

I guess I'm re-living the memory and realize that what just has happened is not smart of me. I did grow stronger. Friends were there to help and to keep me occupied. And of course I have two boys who need me. Each day does get easier if you stick your guns.

 

I just made a huge mistake or something that could put me back where I was months ago. Since it had been well over 6 weeks and thought I was doing ok because distractions, I emailed him pictures of his garden and home from early spring with just a friendly note. Another friendly note from him came back. It went back and forth a few times and then I said "hey I am open to getting together just to talk about everything and nothing". I didn't expect I would get the call so soon but when he wanted to see me I went. At the beginning it was fine, I felt in control of my emotions. But it was like he was acting like nothing had happened or that we were on a short break – he would try to kiss me and hug me like before – I didn't respond. He told me he missed me. I guess eventually we started to feel close again and like we were getting back together. We had a wonderful night and I thought we were together and starting fresh. When I went to ask or rather confirm this things – what I got back was I am not ready to analyze any of this – I just want an uncomplicated and simple relationship. I won't deny that is what I was hearing long ago before break up – but now cause I thought some issues he dealt with were done – we were making progress.

 

I guess through all my rambling what I am trying to say is that I am back to where I am weeks or months before we broke up. We had been together since last September. We are no where close to what I want but again I'm still hanging on and giving it another chance. Maybe he is not so relationship shy and hoping I'm the one that he wants to spend most of his time with. Now its like back to "dating" – where you hope for the call or where you decide should you call or not call.

 

I'm going to have to put the breaks on – should never have made contact . I will go thru another whirlwind of a relationship or whatever it is again. This will now just put me through the same struggles as bfore. Soooooo…leave it alone and tell him not to bother you any more, don't take his calls.

 

Hope this makes you feel that you're not the only one out there. We've all touched this before and I know what you're going through is not easy at first.

[Blue Skittles]

As others have said, No Contact is the easiest way to get over someone - and really its the only to get over him, other wise you are always missing him and wondering if he still has feelings for you and hoping to get back together. Don't talk to him for awhile - work on feeling better and doing things to make yourself happier. Its realllllllyyyyyy hard to lose someone, really hard, but you can do this, anyone can, just do things to make yourself happy and avoid him as much as possible. You will feel so much better after a couple weeks, trust me.

[Muppet]

omg all girls here, guess i'll have my own little lonely oppinion then ^^

Why can't you still be friends?

 

"Friendship leads too love, not the other way around.."

is it true?

[lovemycoffee41]

I really appreciate all of the replies and so quickly!

 

I know the key to being happy is not relying on someone else. However since I have always relied on someone else to bring me happiness, how do I dig deep and find out what makes me tick? I thought I knew, but really I'm pathetic and I don't know. I just like being with people, it makes me happy and confident. It's going to be hard to rely on me for a change.

 

As for his messages, I will not contact him at all. I blocked him off AIM, took his name and # out of my phone, deleted his emails. I have nothing from him. Well his pics I took down, but the memories, those are the real killers. We were so great together...tons of inside jokes, and we made each other happy. So I can't help but think after he takes this hiatus he'll want to come back to me. For the next couple of weeks, I have promised to initiate NC with him. But since we were close friends and all of our best friends are best friends, I will end of seeing him at a party I'm sure. Which will SUCK but I have to get over him. And the best way I've decided is to be happy with me, to let him have no control over my life and for me to look damn sexy I know he's going to come back and at least want to talk to me, and prolly start something back up. But hopefully by that time I'll be strong enough to tell him to back off.

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement, I'll keep yall updated.

[Blue Skittles]

don't go to the party - if your friends invite you to the party say you will only go if he is not there otherwise it will be awkward. Have lots of girls nights outs - girlfriends are always there to pull you through this kinda stuff... it'll get better. after a month or two you will feel better to go to parties when hes there.

[sandela]

I agree don't go to the party or parties for a bit knowing he'll be there. Surely there will be lots of opportunities where you will miss each other. But I know the feeling of when you're there you'll feel on guard and always looking over your shoulder.

[freedom]

Hey this may sound a little stupid to some but here is my story,

I have been in the relationship with this women for some months now and when she did decide not to have the relationship it torn me apart, but then here comes the cruel part, she wanted to be friends, so we bounced on and off again for a few months later. It farther ripped me apart till i had to go see a shrink cause i developed suisidal tendercies. Anyway, i had a really hard tie getting over it, i am still on contact with her.

 

To the point, emotionally i have been battered to the ground, i have nothing left, not even my self worth and self esteem. I had nothing, i advice many has given you of NO CONTACT is a good one, but to really get over it you have to do some self reflection.

 

For me i took me a rough camping trip to see a waterfall, the journey was 9-10 hours one way in a mini bus, it was a long journey, we climb a small mountain to see the sun rise with 12 other men, (no romanic at all and probably the last thing i would have wanted to see), we were on a truck on a rough road for 2 more hours and reached my base camp. Setup the 4 men tent and the kitchen tent. We then went for a hike to search for a smaller water fall and got lost, another 2 hours, we ended up finding our way back to base camp where i said forget it i am soaking in the river, which i did.

Dinner, long slow process, the camp leader wasn;t experience. Tent poles broke and it rain so i got wet. i had no sleeping bag so i slept outside where i was attacked by mosqitoes ad sand flies. 7am wake up itching frm hell, 8am hike to the main falls. 2 hours later i expected to see the HUGE torrid stream of water falling from the top of the cliff, instead i saw a spit of water. Very disapointed. 2 hours later after a swim the bottom of the water fall we headed back. I was way ahead and very disappointed with this trip. I made it to the bottom of the track and sat in the river, it then dawned upon me.

 

Life is not about the expectations, it is about the journey. I had the expectation the first fall was going to be a fantastic and we got lost, i expected to the a huge fall, i saw a spit. the journey was 39 hours of travel and lost hiking and sleep out of a 50 hour trip. That mean i spent only 11 hours at location. Now that was a HUGE disappointment! i then applied the theory "life is a journey it has it ups and downs but focus on the journey and not the expectations". It hit me, it was an exciting trip with disappointments but it was a trip that brought me to this journey. It was an experience. Dont take things to heart, accept that life is a journey with it's ups and downs, just accept that life is a journey and yuou will feel much better. i know that it is easily said and extremely hard to do, but accepting life as the way it is with ups and downs, enjoy the ride and not try to control it. COntrolling it is basically tryig to get your ex back or controlling your actions around him. Stop the controlling and life is already enjoyable, accept that life is a journey, then you will see happiness.