I'm conflicted. . should I stay or should I go?

[Sugaree]

My boyfriend and I have been together or a year and a half. Lately, he's been really down on me for everything. I'm older than he is and am ready to start moving my life along. I'm 25 and he's 23. I graduate college in a year and I think it's time to start thinking about my future. He tells me that he loves me, but just can't picture himself with one person. But then he calles me his future wife and talks about how things will be when we are married. BUT, he told me a few days ago, when I was upset because I don't think our relationship is going anywhere, that he has "expectations". Meaning that he wants me to have a perfect body and he thinks I need to work out. (I'm not fat. I'm 5 ft 6 and weigh about 130). So he's telling me that until I have a perfect body, our relationship isn't going anywhere. Is it just me, or is telling me that our relationship isn't going to the "next level" wrong because of my body??? He says he knows that everyone thinks like he does; it's just that society has make it a taboo topic. How can he love me and then tell me that I don't meet his expectations, that I think are a little high and unrealistic.

Am I crazy? He makes me feel like I am a total nutcase. I don't know what to do. He's sending me mixed signals and I can't take it.

[gs121]

forget him, how can someone tell you that he/she loves you and continues to, only if you lost weight or were hotter? you deserve much better, if you doubting your relationship, just go... definitely don't waste your time, when someone else will appreciate you for who you are and how you look..

[newts]

Sugaree,

 

You sound like you are just great the way you are. Please get out! One of my friends is going through the same thing at the moment, he said he would marry her tomorrow if she was a size 12. He hit her the other day and she stayed and within days they were engaged- with conditions, she has to be a size 12 by next October otherwise he wont marry her.

 

I think it is pathetic! If you truly loved somebody it wouldn't matter what shape or size you are, you just love them because they are who they are.

 

Good luck, there is somebody else out there that would think you are just perfect the way you are.

[Meow18]

You are the average body weight. You are at a perfect body weight for your height. Don't let this guy get to you. It's actually really scary that hes saying this stuff, a lot of times eating disorders can be caused by boyfriend who don't think you are skinny enough. Don't let his words get to you! You know you are perfect the way you are.

 

This guy sounds like a jerk. Maybe he treats you well enough, but the things he doesn't do well with are really horrible. He's just confusing you! First he says he can't imagine only being with one person, then he calls you his future wife, then he says you won't have a future together unless you have a super model's body. That is not right and he is wrong about everyone thinking the way he does. Some guys actually like girls to not be super skinny. The girls in magazines and on tv are not reality.. You know this though.

 

You could do so much better than this guy. You can find someone who thinks your body is as perfect as you do. What about when you have kids with your boyfriend in the future? You will most likely gain some weight. It will be hard to get back the body you had before you were pregnant. Will he leave you because you no longer have a perfect body? It's scary to think that it's possible, and just over your body!

 

Your body is a part of you, but you are not your body. You are more than your looks. He should love you for the whole you. In my opinion this guy is no good for you. If you stay with him, you will eventually start believing what he is saying about your body not being perfect enough. There is someone out there who will appreciate you for you and not bribe you into having a future with him. Do what's good for you and leave this guy.

[Sugaree]

He's telling me that I am a victim of society because I think he's wrong and mean for saying these things to me.

I didn't know I could love someone who hurts me so much.

[CluelessInFla]

The dangerous thing about these types of relationships is that you will never meet his expectations if he doesn't accept you right now. Today it could be your body he doesn't like and tomorrow it could be the way you look at other men. He probably doesn't think he's enough so he needs you as a prop to the world so that everybody can see that he's an ok guy because he has a girlfriend/wife with a perfect body. I'm not going to say to just kick him to the curb since I don't know your entire story but ask him why he feels the need for you to change your body when you're fine with his. Or ask him how it would change your relationship positively if you were to lose that weight. This is about his ego and not the wellbeing of the relationship or you. Also, when he says he's unsure about settling down, ask him why he's saying it, don't just swallow it.

[michelemybell]

This is scary stuff!

I dated a guy once like this. I was in the best shape of my life, and he would tell me how beautiful I was...but then he would point out where he thought my future stretch marks were going to be! Then he didn't like my clothes, then eventually it was my hair, and so on. I became ultra-paranoid because I didn't want to lose his approval. I became insecure about things on my body that I had no problem with before.

I think people like your boyfriend do this because they aren't secure with themselves. People who are secure and really have things going for themselves aren't so focused on other people's "flaws".

I agree with the other poster--You could be perfect, and he will find something wrong. So, it's really up to you. Do you want to be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself?

Probably more important is the fact that he told you that he can't picture himself with one person. Take these words seriously. You are both young, and he doesnt sound like a guy who is ready to take the plunge, hence the mixed messages.

If it were me, I would leave the guy as hard as it may be. He's got a lot of issues and sounds confused and he's taking you along for the ride. You dont need that.

[OceanEyes]

This is such an unhealthy situation for you Sugaree.

 

He is dead wrong - society is not to blame - HE IS. HE is the one who is brainwashed into believing that a size 0 is the epitome of beauty and what is really "sexy". There is no ultimate prototype for beauty. What makes him think he's such a prize anyhow?

 

Aside from that, I think you should be careful if you decide to stay with him. This is a guy who is basically telling you "I can't be faithful" by saying that he can't see himself with only one person. When he finally does cheat on you, he'll say "hey, I told you so!".

 

Don't be *that* girl who changes her life (and look) for some man who is really not worth it. If you do, be aware that you're giving him control over your life and emotions, which is a disasterous place to be. A man who loves you won't ever tell you that you're not good enough. I had a similar issue with my ex-boyfriend, but it was where intelligence was concerned. He would never listen to what I had to say or take me seriously, and would always downplay my accomplishments. After a while I started to feel like he was right - you will start to believe the crap he says after a while.

[RayKay]

Ugh, he's a jerk.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am ALL for working out and keeping healthy - even if you DO have a great body because it is also for your heart and brain, and your future health (ie prevent osteoporisis, heart disease, etc) however there is absolutely no way he should be giving you those kinds of conditions and in any way implying your body is not perfect! 5'6" and 130, heck that is most definitely not overweight!

 

What would happen if you got super skinny and sick (being super skinny is not healthy, especially not when you force yourself to be that way) and you have children in the future. Yes you can regain your previous body, but it does not come easy for most and even then some parts are more stubborn then others...

 

What would happen if you got ill and the side effects of the life saving drugs were some weight gain? (Temporary or not)...

 

This kind of behaviour on his part will only serve to lower your self esteem over time, until you actually believe what he is saying as truth. Don't end up there, its a terrible place to be, and a very hard one to leave. And it also sounds like he is not the epitome of faithful or committed either, if he is already admitting he can hardly see being with one person for life.

 

Personally, I say you dump his butt, and then go to the gym or start running/cycling whatever for YOU and your health (not your weight, but for your strength, confidence and energy), it can be a great stress reliever after a breakup Of course you don't need too, but I am just one of those who thinks everyone - skinny or large - should try physical activity, it really does feel good

[loveseeker]

I have to say that I agree with the others. My ex was similar; it's not a nice place to be, because the temptation is to believe that there is something wrong with *you* because otherwise, he'd just love you without these complications, right? Wrong. Very wrong.

 

There was nothing that I could change in my case; my ex was undeniably physically and sexually attracted to me; he thought I had the best body EVER but because he couldn't always say that he thought I was beautiful, he was scared of committing.

 

I realised that he was making excuses. Maybe he wanted me; maybe he didn't. The fact IS that he was creating (or seeing) obstacles that I would have to tear down for our relationship to survive. I bailed. I didn't want or need that kind of pressure or confusion; still, I internalised his criticisms about my face, and it's like a stigma that I have to live with, even though I have since been told PLENTY of times that I'm beautiful.

 

What I'm saying is that this guy is really toxic. He's bad for you, and even if you get rid of him (which I really think you should do), you'll have to deal with the impact he's already had on your self-esteem. When you find it tough, just imagine how much worse it would have been had you stuck it out--only for him to run out when he saw someone 'better.'

[Meow18]

Sugaree, you have been getting a lot of good advice here.

 

I really think that if you have to ask whether you should stay in this relationship or not, then you really know what you need to do. I think you already know this guy is no good for you. Maybe you just need some support? I know you love him, but whether you stay or not should not be based on just that.

 

If he can't see a future with you the way you are, then why let him share tomorrow with you the way you are? For thinking the way he does, he doesn't even deserve you the way you are now whether you have a "perfect" body or not. What is perfect anyway? What makes him so special that he gets to say what perfect is? Most girls arent' confident with their body even when they are thin. You seem pretty happy with your body, so why wouldn't he be happy that you are confident in yourself? He's only trying to turn you against yourself. He should love you for you, and want a future with you no matter what your body looks like.

[Mermaid]

He's telling me that I am a victim of society because I think he's wrong and mean for saying these things to me.

I didn't know I could love someone who hurts me so much.

 

I'm glad you're so aware that something is wrong -- because something is. Your boyfriend is being domineering and cruel. It doesn't even matter, in this case, what you weigh -- because, let's face it, no matter what the scale says, you'll never be good enough for this guy. He's a schmuck. You should dump his sorry butt (it'll give YOU the satisfaction) and then take some time to work on your self-esteem so that the next time you enter a relationship, it's with a guy who treats you like you deserve to be treated.

 

 

 

By the way, if he wants to play the "you're just a victim of society" thing (which he has all backwards, I might add), then tell him that HE's just a victim of society because society thinks guys like him are losers.

[SexySadie7]

he sounds incredibly shallow to me... there's nothing wrong with being 130 lbs when you are 5 feet six.. you are the right weight for your height.. believe me... Why do all women have to be reed thin to be thought of as beautiful now?

It's him who's a victim of society.. cuz he's bought into the crap (Victoria's Secret, Covergirl Model thin) that this is how normal, beautiful women HAVE to look...

Sorry, fella.. you think those women get that way naturally? In lots of cases.. they've either starved themselves to look like that.. or had a visit to the plastic surgeon...

You need a guy who appreciate you the way you are... i'd say dump him too and give yourself an ego boost.

[OceanEyes]

The weight thing is completely besides the point, I don't think it would matter if you were 150 pounds. This guy knows that it's going to hurt your feelings when he puts you down and does it anyway. I was with a guy once who I could swear that used to love to upset me as a way of controlling me and keeping me "in line".

 

Only you can decide whether or not to stay in this relationship, but really, you're wasting your time and eventually you'll see that and wish you made the decision to leave much sooner.

[Cecelius]

I agree with the above. I think he has some odd fixation on staying in the relationship out of insecurity while picking on you. It probably will not get better.

 

If it were a basic attractiveness issue, he should just excuse himself from the relationship.