Jump to content

loveseeker

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    57

  • Joined

 Content Type 

Everything posted by loveseeker

  1. loveseeker
    I have to say that I agree with the others. My ex was similar; it's not a nice place to be, because the temptation is to believe that there is something wrong with *you* because otherwise, he'd just love you without these complications, right? Wrong. Very wrong. There was nothing that I could change in my case; my ex was undeniably physically and sexually attracted to me; he thought I had the best body EVER but because he couldn't always say that he thought I was beautiful, he was scared of committing. I realised that he was making excuses. Maybe he wanted me; maybe he didn't. The fact IS that he was creating (or seeing) obstacles that I would have to tear down for our relationship to survive. I bailed. I didn't want or need that kind of pressure or confusion; still, I internalised his criticisms about my face, and it's like a stigma that I have to live with, even though I have since been told PLENTY of times that I'm beautiful. What I'm saying is that this guy is really toxic. He's bad for you, and even if you get rid of him (which I really think you should do), you'll have to deal with the impact he's already had on your self-esteem. When you find it tough, just imagine how much worse it would have been had you stuck it out--only for him to run out when he saw someone 'better.'
  2. loveseeker
    Why does heroin appeal to a junkie? You've been going through this for such a long time now. You must know it's not healthy to keep yourself hooked into someone else's dramas. Just. Say. NO!
  3. loveseeker
    I hope you're okay, mate. The only guilt trip she felt was of her own making; I can't believe SHE tried to lay one on YOU though! Unbelievable. Glad to hear you're not going to contact her again. Stay strong; you sound like a great guy!
  4. loveseeker
    Yeah... I'd definitely advise you to ignore her attempts to contact you. If she has something to say, she should just come out and SAY it without making meaningless contact just to keep you hooked. You're locked in a cycle with this woman: there's only one person who can break it and that's you. So here's what you need to think about... do you want to look back on your time feeling resentful that you gave it all to someone who didn't really know if they loved you? The answer's 'no,' right? You want to feel proud that you walked away from someone who didn't know how to love you. It hurt, but you did it because you know that you deserve to be happy. You're probably scared of being on your own. It's not that bad, though. Once you get over all the horrid feelings from a break-up, you start to realise the benefits of life without the person who doesn't quite love you. Then you start to appreciate your life a bit more... It's time to start making friends with the person you should really care about; you!
  5. loveseeker
    Hi lifeiscash. I can understand why you're upset for your friend. I can also see why you want to avoid people who have too many problems. It's nice to be able to help someone you care about out from time-to-time (and for them to do the same for you). It's not nice to have their problems get in the way of being with each other. I'd suggest getting in touch and saying that you really ARE cool with what happened and that you reckon that you'd be a better friend to her than lover. Tell her that she should try to speak to someone about why she finds sex upsetting; she will be able to get really good help, professionally. From the safe distance of friendship, you might be able to give her some support--let her know if you're willing to offer it--without feeling that you simply attract screw-ups. In answer to your question--why do I only attract people with issues?--I think you'd be extremely lucky NOT to. Relationships are a mind-boggling perplexing experience... nothing's straightforward, and people handle their emotions in different ways. But we ALL come with some baggage--ALL or us. The real question is why we choose to get involved with people whose baggage is obviously too great? When we stop doing that, life will become much easier.
  6. loveseeker
    I can relate to those questions so well. I feel the same way about my ex, who was similar to yours, from the sound of it--horribly confused and/or cruel. Since the break-up, I've wondered whether I was too harsh (no); whether he really loved me (no); how he can expect me to stick around when he doesn't know what he wants (I don't know). These questions, along with many others, play through my mind in an endless loop. That's what happens when you give yourself to someone who is confused--you GET confused. There's only one way to move beyond these questions, and that is to focus on what you want. Ok, so you want her to love you the way that you deserve to be loved (she doesn't). So you can't have what you want with her. Maybe she'll be able to love you that way in a few years. Maybe she won't. You can't wait on the off-chance. The only thing you can do is go for what you want (to love and be loved--properly) with someone else. You're lucky. You're young. You have it all ahead of you. Please don't allow yourself to suffer because of someone else's confusion. It's her problem now, and don't believe for a moment that she won't feel it with someone else (the confusion, that is). She will. Over and over: I love him but... until she's ready. This isn't about you, honestly! She can't fault you or the relationship (my ex says the same thing), but she still has doubts. How stupid of her to feel that everything is amazing and yet throw it all away. She'll regret it. You do now, but in time you won't!
  7. loveseeker
    It's really annoying, isn't it? You know that this little t0sser is unworthy of your feelings and time. You pick yourself up and dust yourself down and you move forward with your life, but this THING holds you back and drags you down again. The more you allow it to, the more you hurt. So what is this THING? It's the part of you WANTS to be attached to him, still. You know, of course, that it's ridiculous; that you could never trust him again and that he doesn't deserve you. You get frustrated at yourself for feeling lonely, missing him, loving him, because your head knows what your heart does not and you want your head to win. You NEED it to. You're starting the really tricky part of the process now: the struggle with yourself becomes harder because the feelings are more surprising when they come up... they catch you off-guard. Be vigilant. Always. And remember, the person who is worthy of you will not make you feel like you're lucky to have them; you'll also know that you deserve them, without question. And never--NEVER--will there be a question about whether you are putting up with less than you deserve. In a natural and good relationship, questions of self-esteem and self-worth become irrelevant. Believe in yourself...
  8. loveseeker
    Buzz, I've read your entire thread and am jumping in a bit late, but I have one thing to say to you... Your ex DOES have every right to be angry with you. By your own admission, you hurt him when you were together and since you broke up. I know you've apologised, but sometimes--and especially when you've then repeated the same hurtful behaviour--saying sorry doesn't cut it. Your ex reached the end of his rope with you; he gave you a LOT of chances and the reason why he's so angry with you is because you messed up repeatedly. It seems as though you're incapable of recognising his feelings in all of this. He gave you a lot of opportunities when you were together to just love him and not hurt him. It sounds like he didn't want to split up with you but HAD to because you'd let him down so often; that's why he told you that he still feels a connection with you and why he's showing you his pain. I hope this makes sense. It probably won't make you feel any better--in fact, it may make you feel bad. That's not my intention. I just wanted to say this, though, so perhaps you can reach a better understanding of your situation.
  9. loveseeker
    Well, I had my own ephiphany last night! I realised that I don't need to pathologise myself..! I did nothing wrong in this relationship. I WANTED to give him the benefit-of-the-doubt and did so for as long as I could. Given that he was--in so many ways--a great boyfriend, I was able to put my doubts to one side. It was only when his behaviour became steadily erratic that I began not only to call him on it, but to doubt that the relationship could survive. And then I walked after much discussion. In other words--and sorry if this blows my own trumpet, but I deserve to do so, from time-to-time--I was strong, patient and loving. I DID read the writing on the wall. I DIDN'T want to leave before I had given it my best shot. But when I realised that there was nothing, NOTHING I could do to chase away his demons, I ended it. And when he tried to get me to reconsider, I listened and still said no because I had begun to trust myself and my feelings. The question is: why am I so determined to give myself a hard time over this, rather than recognise that I made a VERY tough (but right) decision? (that's rhetorical, by the way)...
  10. loveseeker
    To be fair, I don't see why you SHOULDN'T give somebody the 'keys to the kingdom' when you fall for them! Surely that's what it's about? Why live your life defensively, holding a little bit back and being full of trepidation? If you love somebody, LOVE them. If you don't, DON'T. It really is that simple. If the person doesn't reciprocate fully, it's natural that you want to give them some time to see if they catch up. If they don't, you can end it, knowing that you gave it your all. There IS no other way, if you're truly wanting to marry and the whole caboodle. And surely, the woman you're looking for knows that this is the way to go about things; she'll be no pushover if you're slacking; you won't, either, if she is.
  11. loveseeker
    Yeah... of course you have, Wimpy! It seems to me that you were in the classic push-pull relationship. You went from chasing when he pulled away to gradually withdrawing, yourself. THAT IS GOOD. If you hadn't, you'd still be the girlfriend of an ambivalent man in a long-distance relationship that was going nowhere. By letting go, however gradually, you regained your self-worth; it meant that his attempts to pull you in ON HIS TERMS no longer worked for you. When he ended the relationship, you were in a much stronger position; you could say 'no ta!' to his offer of friendship (saying 'yes' to him would have led to a repetition of the pattern established at the start of your relationship--this time, at a distance). It's all good! Meanwhile, telling him that you're not prepared (any longer) to put yourself on standby for a guy who has shown a lack of any real consideration for your feelings is INCREDIBLY positive. The fact that you're realising that you sold yourself short is GREAT. However, I'm worried about one thing that stands out in your post: it seems like you want to redeem yourself in HIS eyes rather than your own... It doesn't matter whether he thinks you're a push-over or whether he now sees you as a tough mo-fo; however he sees you is irrelevant--he can't have you now anyway! The point is that you have to feel good about YOURSELF because you are free from a relationship with an ambivalent man!
  12. loveseeker
    You DON'T want your ex back. Seriously. He doesn't appreciate you any more, and even if he said that he did, you'd find it hard to believe him, after his behaviour. Move on... come to terms with what has happened, mourn the loss of the man you loved. Please don't cling to this. You're worth more!
  13. loveseeker
    I'm not surprised... I'm guessing that I still find (found) it thrilling, at some level. It's so cliche, but I was probably excited by the prospect of a challenge! Also, I wasn't really specific about the effects of my childhood in my last post, but I experienced abuse and unavailability: I have come to believe that these things are inevitable rather than aberrations, so when I experience either, they don't send me running. Yeah... well it's taken me a while to start REALLY facing up to that particular truth, but I guess that was why I ended things with my ex. Now I need to act on the knowledge. It's bizarre how some anonymous people on a forum can see things in my random words that I'm only dimly aware of. But it helps! People kept on telling me that I was being too cautious with my ex. I was observing my own version of this rule (for three months, rather than six) and was taking mental notes of everything that troubled me. Still, I ignored them! Anyway, what I'm beginning to realise is that I was deceiving myself when I said that everything was perfect for six months: it wasn't. Your rule is a good 'un, though. If I don't see anything problematic in the first six months of my next relationship (where IS he by the way? I'm impatient! ), then I can stop being cautious: until then, or unless that happens, I have every right to be! Great advice, there, too! Like you, I need to quit smoking ... Also, yeah... I want to spend some time straightening out some stuff with regards my relationship with myself. The key in this experience is as follows: I tolerate other people being weird because I don't always recognise how great I am. I need to start BELIEVING in myself, which means DOING things that I can believe in. Watch out! A new, improved, loveseeker may yet to emerge from the wreckage... Thanks guys. You're great! x
  14. loveseeker
    I'm going to do two writing things: one to identify where I could have looked after myself better in the relationship and the other to pinpoint specific personality attributes that I would seek in a loving partner. Meanwhile, the unresolved issues... it's a looooong story (and I've seen a therapist for a few years to work on the more obvious manifestations of the emotional wounds that were inflicted--it worked!) I guess I'm still left with an underlying pattern that I need to break. My childhood made me very forgiving (rather than angry), which is sweet, but not always good. In the case of my family, I'm glad that I was inclined to give them a chance to love me properly: they now do and I love them back! However, I learnt how to seek love where it is often absent (or unavailable). Perhaps that's part of the problem... Instead of saying 'no! That's not love.' I tell myself 'that could be love, but he needs me to help him to open up and stop being such a feckwit!' So I end up being the person who hopes to be loved, one day, rather than the person who IS loved. I dunno if that makes sense... ? Also: your baby is beeeeautiful!
  15. loveseeker
    I've been and done some more thinking. I realise now that I was ALWAYS aware that something was wrong. One thing after another happened; the relationship was never as easy as it should have been (yet despite this, we never fought and always got on SO WELL). Basically, the guy is confused and can act like an a-hole! He hurt me. I let him. The advice I've been given here is fantastic. I need to focus on what I want and need from a man so that I don't keep on repeating the cycle of doomed relationships that I seem to have invested so much time in. Empathy's thread is inspirational in that regard. I wish I could say that I was 'protecting' myself from hurt by choosing to be with someone so obviously confused, but I suspect that I was playing out some unresolved dramas of my own (no man will ever love me, blah blah blah). It's time to stop doing that; I know better now...
  16. loveseeker
    I think we've been through something really similar... I'm not surprised you're hurting right now. The only constructive thing I can say is this: try to learn from it. Understand that you were effectively trying to force a round peg into a square hole; you even sensed it at the time... You gave your heart to her despite this. Perhaps you're right: you were lonely and when someone great came along, you attached great hope to her. That's what hurts now: you're dissillusioned. However, remind yourself that it's miles better to have your hope dashed than to continue clinging to it in a situation that could never bear fruit...
  17. loveseeker
    That's absolutely beautiful, Empathy. Thank you, and good luck in finding someone worthy of you! I should try to write something like that for myself (as Sonjam said on my thread)...
  18. loveseeker
    I think it's normal to think about them. You wouldn't be human if you didn't. It's good that you recognise that doing so brings you down, though. Perhaps that will give you some incentive to turn your mind to other things--yourself, for example.
  19. loveseeker
    Yeah... good call, Bittersweetly healed. Definitely, immersing myself in other things and doing stuff i enjoy has been good for me. It's just... it's just. Gah! I really REALLY am wanting to learn from this because I never want to go through this kind of heartbreak again and I think I can stop myself from doing so. Perhaps I can't though... Meanwhile, I'm struggling to believe that what happened happened; that the bad things I worried about were actually true... Maybe I should just accept that sh!t happens? Yeah... maybe...
  20. loveseeker
    I wouldn't say that I swallowed his guff about being scared of hurting someone like he hurt his ex hook-line-and-sinker! However, I suppose I was arrogant enough to think that he wouldn't do it to me, or that I could help him. DUH! The bizarre thing--and perhaps you can relate to this--is that I saw his comments as a warning shot: they made me think VERY seriously about him. I asked myself what he was telling me, and why. I even told him that! Maybe it was love that blinded me, but I have a feeling it was something else... I was determined to be open-hearted despite having been hurt before. I wanted to give my ex the benefit-of-the-doubt and told myself that I shouldn't judge him by the standards of my previous exes. I think I was foolish now. OF COURSE I SHOULD HAVE JUDGED HIM ACCORDING TO MY EXPERIENCE! Naturally, he colluded with my 'tolerant' stance because he wanted someone to make his past horrors seem okay to him. He didn't want to be judged and found wanting (as his last conversation with me revealed). And I didn't want to make him feel crappy about his ex: that said, I challenged him about the fact that they were rekindling a friendship on very dodgy ground. So... what I'm saying is that I saw all the warning signs and took heed. However, instead of taking them as a sign that I should RUN... RUN FOR THE HILLS!... I decided that I'd talk to him about it; it was probably his justifications or his apparent openness to my interpretations, or the fact that he seemed to want to 'work' on this stuff that seduced me! I guess what I'm trying to figure out now is how I should handle such intuitions in the future. Like you say, Wimpy, it's really scary to consider that I'll be reluctant to trust anyone again. I don't want to just run at the first sign of trouble, but perhaps I need to know that there are certain problems that I am better off being without. I WANT to trust somebody, but I know that will take time (if ever I meet someone I'm interested in again, in the first place). Like you, I will think twice about giving to somebody who has a history of hurting others (even if they admit to that history). I don't want to say that I'll not give so much to another person, because I like giving: just that I won't give to someone who doesn't meet my standards, and I'll be proud of how high they are and won't lower them. And I won't, any longer, assume that my standards are based on a (bad) fear of getting hurt; they're just an essential part of who I am. I think it's good to think about what lessons we need to learn. I just don't want to close down... I want to have the good stuff I had with my ex(es) with somebody else, without all the bad stuff. Surely, that's not asking for too much!
  21. loveseeker
    WowwowwoWimpy! I think that about my ex, too: he is different things to different people. Perhaps only those who get close to him find out what he's really like, but even then don't want to believe it. What you said about getting the warning signs: all true. How could I not have had alarm bells when he told me the story about his ex--even from his lips, it sounded bad! And I told him but still stayed with him. I think Sonjam's right when she talks about being too trusting. What hurts now is the fact that I tried to make things okay, when they clearly weren't. I fooled myself (and maybe you did, too) into believing him; for both of us, the penny has dropped. So: what would I say to my best friend? Well... I'd tell her that she was right to feel jumpy about some of his behaviour, and that she must stop thinking that her intuition is 'insecurity' and ACT ON IT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. And after it's over, to keep putting as much distance between herself and this head-warper as possible. And I'd tell her to never believe that she deserved to be manipulated, but that to make sure it doesn't happen again, she has to stop softening the blow by saying that he didn't do it on purpose and that perhaps she over reacted. I'd tell her to feel the full force of his manipulation and lies. OUCH!
  22. loveseeker
    You're so right. This is HIS pattern. I have to stop thinking that it's my fault and I have to learn something... but WHAT? Here's my list: 1. Trust my intuition and my judgement; 2. Don't get sucked into peoples' rationalisations of their own bad behaviour; 3. Take new relationships slowly and carefully; 4. Don't beat myself up if I don't see through masks, immediately; 5. Stop imagining that I just attract creeps. Believe that I can and will attract somebody who is genuine. Anything else? Thanks Sonjam! You're really helping...
  23. loveseeker
    Funny! Yeah... I got to know his friends, but they never really said anything bad about him (in front of me). They're pretty loyal and think he's a nice guy... On the other hand, I know that his relationship behaviour confuses them. Despite this, they don't think that he's deliberately bad. That's one of the reasons why I think there's something wrong with me: because I do... Take the following example: I don't understand how an ex of his wants to be his friend. She's told him that their relationship wounded her self esteem, and yet she wants to hang out with him because he's 'a nice guy.' He told me that he was mean to her: apparently, he claimed that SHE wasn't good looking and split up with her, suddenly, after he had been living with her for a year. Because he didn't cheat on her and because he was loving towards her right up until the day they split, she can't see how manipulative and deceitful he is. I think she probably wants to get back with him, actually: he does, too... Yet he would happily hang out with her and ask her if she can see now that the signs were there that he wanted to split up with her. It's almost like he wants to torture the people he tore apart. All the time, he's concerned that we should see him in a good light! Anyway, THAT'S how confusing the whole thing is. I'm guessing that I see through him more than his friends do (and his ex), but then part of me wonders whether I'm just being really unfair!?
  24. loveseeker
    Thanks, Leonie! Of course, you're right! I did the right thing--everyone (including him) knows this, and his 'issues' are his to sort out. I need to stop worrying that each time a man looks into my eyes and tells me that he loves me and thinks that I'm beautiful and that he can't imagine life without me, he's a lying freak! If he is, I'll find out and get rid of him... I just can't bear the idea of meeting more of these men and falling for them before waking up and smelling the coffee. Life. Is. Too. Short! Thanks, Sonjam. Where's the nail-on-head smiley? Yeah... this worries me, but what REALLY gets to me is that I was so bloody careful with this guy. For the first six months (or longer), he seemed to have all the qualities I'd look for in a man. He was kind and considerate, caring and attentive, he was intelligent, well educated, well read, concerned about other people and the world we live in, had similar values to me, treated friends and family well, was ambitious and creative, attractive and good in the sack. I was just happy. I fell in love. I started to imagine a future with him; he told me that he wanted the same things and I believed him. Then, he started to roll out the contradictions and to do hurtful things. It took me a few months to realise that I was caught in a lie and that the guy I'd fallen for wasn't there any more. I guess I'm still reeling from the shock! Yes, I know what I'm looking for in a man, but how will I know when someone is for real?
  25. loveseeker
    I split up with someone a couple of months ago. He pushed me into ending the relationship; I didn't have a choice. His behaviour was almost sadistic, but I'm loath to see the person I love(d) as capable of such intentional cruelty. On the one hand, he claimed that he wanted me to feel 'safe' with him; on the other, he systematically undermined the trust that we'd built up over our time together. On the one hand, he claimed to love me more than he ever thought possible; on the other, he told me that he didn't understand why I loved him and that he didn't even know what love means. On the one hand, he claimed that our sex-life and general intimacy were fantastic and that he couldn't imagine such chemistry with anyone else; on the other, he told me that he didn't find me attractive. I could go on listing these contradictions and outlining some of the hurtful ways that they manifested, but I think it's pretty clear: the guy was a head-f@ck. Believe me when I say that I tried SO HARD to communicate with him when we were together; to help him or encourage him; to just love him, despite these things, but in the end it was impossible... It was as though he just kept escalating the hurt until I had to quit (he admits this)... Since then, he's attempted to reconcile with me: I went away for a month on a pre-planned trip and there were persistent emails from him telling me that he wanted me back and that he was sorry; they were giant essays that were full of self-pity and introspection--he apologised for everything. I met up with him on my return (a month ago) to see if he could follow through; immediately, I told him what I wanted--a straightforward relationship with someone who could just love me--and he told me that he couldn't give that to me. Despite this, he thought that his desire to be with me on his terms would be enough for me. Obviously, he was wrong. I thought that he would just leave me alone, but no! He called me just over a week ago. This time, he wasn't asking for me to come back him: instead, he told me that he thought it was right for us to split; he is jealous of women; he thinks that I should punish him for hurting me. It was so weird, and in a bizarre way, helped me to see him for what he is--a head-f@ck--that I got off the phone thinking that I had 'closure.' I don't, though. One thing that he said plays on my mind: he asked me not to see him as 'evil' and 'cruel' (his words). I didn't know what to say, so in the end asked him how else to interpret his behaviour: he couldn't or wouldn't answer. I feel BAD--really bad: I'd not initiated communication with him post-split because I never wanted to have to say the things I ended up saying to him. I told him that. Now, I just feel so awful, because my intention had been to just get on with my life without him... I told him that, too. I'm thirty bloody six and I feel so clueless. I've had so many weird relationships with guys that I'm starting to think that it's my fault. All I really want is to live a good life, yet when it comes to relationships, I fail miserably. So, guys... here's my question: how can I wipe the slate clean for myself? I know these things take time, but I feel like I'm trapped in a cycle with relationships. Even though I've done the right thing in ending this relationship (and previous ones) when they're clearly not working, I don't feel okay about it... In other words, I still feel like I was wrong to split up with him and I don't know why... At this point, any comments or questions would be welcome. Thanks for reading.
×
×
  • Create New...