What have I done?

[HellFrost666]

Hello all, first time posting here...

 

I have done something terrible.

 

About myself: I grew up in Norway, came to the USA 9 years ago for college. Obviously I stayed after graduating. The entire time I have been here I have been single, and not sexually active. Believe me, it was my choosing. I am an attractive, educated male with a good job. I just am old fassioned I guess. I would rather wait for one who I am really blown away by, the waist my time dating and sleeping with a bunch of girls I am only a little attracted too. Guys like me are rare, indeed...

 

Well last weekend I met the one girl who blew me away. My best friend (and roomate) and I went out and met this couple we know, well she came with them. When I first saw her I thought I was halucinating. I love redheads (where I grew up red headed women were in short supply.) She has this long red hair and gorgeous eyes, and her body is breathtaking. When I started talking to her I was amazed by her wit and intelligence. But, things that seem too good to be true always are, and she was married.

 

Everyone was around the table together and she and I were off in our own conversation, ignoring everyone else. I asked where her husband was, and she explained that he had been cheating on her and was out with his other paramour. She told me he thinks it's allright because he is honnest with her about it. I asked her if she'd ever do it to him and she said she basically had 'permission too' but didn't really want to. She was a little flirty with me, saying things like "I love guys with accents." and stuff like that.

 

We all left the bar and ended up back at my house. I will spare all the details and get to it. She ended up in my bed that night. It wasn't her who was the agressor in our tryst either, it was me. I have heard male friends talk about one night stands before and how you need to keep things un-intimate. It started out that way for us, (no kissing on the mouth, etc), but by the end of our encounter it was a whole different story. I kissed her on the mouth a lot, massaged her, cuddled her, (I'm not really the cuddling type, but I was with her.)

 

She and the two friends of ours left around 4 that morning and I went to sleep feeling aweful. I feel like I took advantage and seduced her into it... even though I know that isn't what I did. The two friends told me since then that her husband hits her, calls her names, (and obviously sleeps around on her). I am scared that when he finds out he will do something to her.

 

The plot thinckens... To make things worse, I am smittne with this women. I know what I feel is infatuation, but I think about her all the time, every time the phone rings I think it might be her, every time I check my e-mail I think it might be her... I can't concentrate at my job because of her. I want to just take her away from him. I know I could treat her better, and she deserves better.

 

Advise please... What should I do about all this, and was it wrong?

[Hope75]

Well,

 

Knowing that she was married, I do think that regardless of what she told you, that she should have been off limits on your eyes. out of respect for the sanctity of marriage in itself.

 

It's a little unique because she and her husband (as far as she says) seem to have an 'open' marriage, and she seems unbothered by her husband's affairs.

 

What I am mostly concerned about it you, because unless she leaves her husband and goes with you 100%, I don't think you will be happy settling for stolen scraps with another man's wife, will you?

 

Since you only had a one night stand, if she does not contact you back, I would try to chalk it up to an error and judgement, forgive yourself for the indiscretion, and move on.

 

If she does contact you, I would talk with her about her marriage and find out if she is willing to leave her husband, and if not, I would not mess with her again. All you will get is hurt that you are sharing her with someone else.

 

If he treats her as bad as the friends say, and they have no commitment or respect for one another, I wonder why she stays in the first place; but that cannot be your problem. As long as she chooses to stay with her husband you will not get what you want and deserve from a relationship with her, and after waiting all these years for it, are you willing to settle for less?

[btbt]

Right or wrong, it's messy. You say you know that it's infatuation on your part, which is better than love because if it were the latter, you would find yourself in a sticky situation indeed. She obviously has problems with her marriage so her involvement with you, and your involvement with her spells trouble. Be honest with her about this, talk things through, but if you choose to be in contact with her, be aware that you will be walking into a mess (even if she has no feelings for her husband, she's still married, even if she gets a divorce things will get sticky).

[HellFrost666]

From my understanding (told to me by my two friends who also know her very well) things were fine between her and her husband until they got married. Afterwords he became abusive and unfaithful. I know it didn't come accross in my post, but she is bothered by this. They haven't been married very long (under a year) and I was told she feels "stuck" with him. They don't exactly have an open mariage either. He cheats all the time, and tells her to go out and do it so they will be "even." He gives her excuses like "I'm a guy, it's just what guys do." Well not all guys do, I never have cheated on anyone AI

ve been with.

 

I haven't heard any of this directly from her... She told me a few things that night, but not the whole story.

 

Yes, it is infatuation, now. I know I could fall in love with her if given the chance to.

 

I really feel like I need to talk to her again. I don't want to call because he might answer the phone. I have seriously thought about e-mailing her.

 

I honnestly think this jerk has her convinced that she can't get anyone else.

 

I won't be able to post anymore replies tonight, but I'll answer anything you have to say tomorrow...

[Hope75]

I really don't think you should be interfering in their marriage, regardless of what problems they have. It is between her and her husband, and has nothing to do with you.

 

If she is bothered enough by her husband, she can and should leave him. If she won't, you shouldn't be bothering her, she is a married woman, happily or not, she is married. As long as she chooses to stay with him, she is off limits. It's her choice.

 

I would not contact her. Until and unless she leaves him, you are only asking for trouble, and I doubt you will be satisfied by what little she has to give you while still with him.

 

You had one night together. I'm sure it was wonderful, and I can see that you have a crush on her, but let her sort her marriage out with her husband and decide what she needs to do.

 

There's a reason your conscience is bothering you about this. You know you played with fire, and it was wrong. Don't make it any worse.

[btbt]

I agree with the last poster. Even if she is not in love with her husband, and he not in love with her, they still are married. If they plan to break up, they still have to break up. Divorces can be ugly and painful, even if both parties want out. You risk getting stuck in all of it and having more of a problem then having a crush.

[armchairshrink]

Hellfrost, I'm with Hope on this one, don't mess with their marriage. If you need more incentive, consider this: your safety, and hers. If it's true that he hits her, what would he do to you? Sure he told her to "go ahead", but did he mean it? Are you willing to risk your health and safety to find out? And as you already pointed out, what would he do to her?

 

As for feeling awful about it: maybe it was wrong, maybe it wasn't (I'm leaning toward wrong here!). But it's pointless to beat yourself up now. It's in the past and you can't change it. If you need help forgiving yourself, then consider this: If her husband abuses her and tells her she's undesirable, you just proved him wrong. You did her a favor. Just, for your sake and hers, don't do her any more favors!

[HellFrost666]

I've been more worried about what he might do to her, I never even thought of what he might do to me. I'm not really that scared about it though. Most guys who push women around have no idea what to do when matched with someone of the same strength, (this is usually the reason they push women around...

 

I know I did her a favor, but honnestly it's hard for me to say I won't do her anymore favors.

[Hope75]

Are you willing to settle for being in second place with her?

 

Are you OK with sharing her with her husband?

 

What if she won't leave her husband?

 

You know that you can't 'save' her, if she wants to leave her husband, she is the one who has to make that choice, and take the steps to do so. She will only do that if and when she is ready.

 

I think you should seriously consider these questions before you get yourself in any deeper.

 

So far it's just been a one night stand, why make this worse for yourself?

[armchairshrink]

I've been more worried about what he might do to her, I never even thought of what he might do to me. I'm not really that scared about it though. Most guys who push women around have no idea what to do when matched with someone of the same strength, (this is usually the reason they push women around...

When matched with someone of the same strength, they go out and get guns. What you said is true: a lot of men who abuse women are bullies and cowards. They absolutely do not fight when the odds are even, and that is why they abuse women. If he decides to come after you, he'll fix things so that he KNOWS he has the upper hand. Also, if you've never met or even seen this man, then you don't know if he's the same strength as you. And if he is simply a WACKO, he won't think twice about ... well, I don't want to think about what he wouldn't think twice about.

 

I'm not saying you should run away screaming with terror, but the safety issues involved here, for both you and her, are very real. You know nothing about him. I hope for your sake that he's 4-feet-nothing and weighs 90 pounds soaking wet.

 

You mention in an earlier post that you've thought of emailing her. DON'T DO IT. He probably goes through her mail. Read some posts in the 'Abuse' section of this forum and see what some of these guys are like, and the lengths they'll go to to isolate "their wimmin" from reaching out for help or even just friendship.

I know I did her a favor, but honnestly it's hard for me to say I won't do her anymore favors.

That can only be your decision -- well, yours and hers. I'm sorry this wonderful woman comes with so much baggage. You sound like a pretty nice guy. Keep us posted.