I have doubts

[akata]

I met this cute girl about 7 months ago. She lives in CA and I live in TX. I am 33 and ready to settle so I proposed on my second visit to CA and she accepted. She visits me every month and sometimes I visit her. I started to notice that she might have some issues with money. I usually pay for her flight ticket when she comes to visit me but she will also insist I pay for her cab fare from her home to the airport. She doesn't like spending her money at all. I have always paid each time we went out. She doesn't even offer to help. Both of us are earning roughly the same amount at the moment but she is lucky that she is staying with her parents and doesn't have a car note. I live by myself and have all these bills to put up with. In a year or so I will be making about three times the amount of money I am making now and she knows it. Her money issues are making me wonder if she loves me for my future financial potentials. Because we live so far apart and because I don't know her very well, I don't know if I am blowing things out of proportion or have a real concern here. I am trying to see if she can move down to TX with me but she is insisting that I need to marry her for her to make the move.

I don't know what to do. I want to know her better before walking down the isle. But the distance between us is not making that possible. I am confused and not sure what the direction to go.

[fate or freewill]

Postpone the wedding as long as you have to in order to get to know her well enough to either marry her or let her go.

 

Looks like you'll just have to pay for many more trips to Texas.

[arwen]

Hey Akata,

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

I don't know her very well

 

I think it is this part of your message that explains most of your feelings, in fact you rushed into an engagement with someone that you don't know that well, and now you are finding out things that all of us usually find out around half a year of being together, not always things that we expected in the beginning.

 

Her insisting on marrying her before moving closer together could be seen as kind of a red flag in the perspective of the money-issues.

 

Be careful with this girl. If she really means the world to you, it might be wiser to step away from the idea of getting married so soon, and first see if it is possible to move closer to each other.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[RayKay]

Why did you ask her to marry you if you admitted yourself you don't know her very well?

 

Don't ask someone to marry you just because you are ready to settle down and she is "cute". It takes more than "cute" to create a healthy relationship foundation and to develop that into a successfull, mutually satisfying marriage.

 

My advice is to postpone the wedding and get to know her more before making the serious commitment of a marriage..remember there is more to it than a wedding.

 

Marriage should be treated as a lifelong commitment, and something that would enrich the lives of both people involved (in more than monetary ways!) and that is why both people should know each other before they take that step! There are many levels to a relationship that must be explored from compatibilities to communication, to fiscal management.

 

Don't make a mistake if you are having doubts already..postpone wedding, go down to visit her a few more times and build a relationship without the pressure of a marriage you are not sure of yet. Let things develop as they are intended too...and you will discover on the way whether she is the one for you or not.

[Blurr]

Well first of all, I'm a firm believer that marriage is something that both parties want to have to do. It shouldn't be something tied up with stipulations saying 'You have to do this before I'm going to marry you'.

 

I'm also hesitant about the situation since it seems as though you really don't know the girl that well. Where did you meet? How long have you been talking before? When you met how did you perceive how she felt about you? I'm also suspect at her lack of wanting to help out with the money issue. Perhaps she's just a little old fashioned and thinks the man should pay for everything, but I think nowadays people are a little more in tune with the times, so I wouldn't use that as an excuse.

 

I think you need to do what you said and get to know her a lot better before walking down the isle...marriage is something that needs to be taken seriously...remember, this is the person that you'll be spending the rest of your life with. Confront her about your concerns becuase if she truly cares about you, she shouldn't have a problem addressing your questions.

[benevolent]

Couple of problems here:

 

Because we live so far apart and because I don't know her very well, I don't know if I am blowing things out of proportion or have a real concern here.

 

Am I reading this right? How can you propose to someone you don't even know? I mean you might as well just ask a stranger to marry you.

 

In a year or so I will be making about three times the amount of money I am making now and she knows it. Her money issues are making me wonder if she loves me for my future financial potentials.

 

What do you think??

 

I am trying to see if she can move down to TX with me but she is insisting that I need to marry her for her to make the move.

 

If you haven't done this already, read this paragraph over an over until it sinks into your head.

 

 

Nothing about this 'relationship' sounds right. I don't even think you can classify it as a relationship. The other thing that kinda disturbed me was that you started off this post with "this cute girl that I've met..." You mention nothing about her personality, demeanor, character - just a physical trait. It strikes me odd that you would just focus on that description and leads me to believe that you want this girl just because she is cute and you want to keep her by asking her to marry you. You don't seem to mind that she sounds like a potential gold digger and cheap @ss!

 

I am confused and not sure what the direction to go.

 

How about going the other way - like away from the aisle or altar. Last thing you want to do is marry this person, get divorced and end up back on this forum posting for advice in the "Divorce" or Healing After Breakup" sections.