Now we are friends...but I don't trust him.

[av82]

Me and my ex have been broken up for 5 months now. We were together for 5 months. He says he can't handle a relationship now. After 4 months of conflicts, NC, and argument...we finally are friends now. There is one thing I don't trust him. I know I can't claim him...he's not my boyfriend...but he would emphasize how he doesn't have anybody...but then he doesn't want a relationship. He says he sees himself being in a relationship later possibly...but then I just can't believe the fact that he hasn't been with nobody in the past 5 months. I feel like he is lying. I feel that in order to move on and be friends we need to keep that communication open...and he doesn't seem to be much of a loyal friend to me....what do you all think? Opinions please...

[Liquidius]

To be honest, is it any of your business who he has been with for the past 5 months? Give the guy some credit, and trust that he cares about you enough to tell you the truth.

[Jinx]

For one, it appears he might be confused about what he wants himself. Maybe going through a phase of battling with himself between whether he'd rather be single and doing his own thing -or- be comfortable in the relationship environment.

 

In terms of the lies possibility, he might not be ready to open up and tell you everything that has gone down over the past few months. Again, being on a friend only basis, there will be less of the open communication until (and if) he feels comfortable enough to express himself without the fear of being scorned for any happenings that may of occurred.

 

You may still represent too much of the gf you were outlook to him, to be honest and open for the time being. When he does want to speak, he'll most likely open up and let it all out in time when he feels its right to do so.

[av82]

Well the problem is I don't trust him. First of all...he wants us to be friends...he doesn't want me to hate him. We both want to be friends and work it out as friends.

 

This is something that has been going on with arguing since we broke up...Jinx is right...he is confused...and I mean confused. The problem is...I am scared on building trust. Being that he is confused...he seems to reassure that he is with nobody...and in a way it is not my business...but somewhat it is...because if we are friends...that helps in both of us moving on and having clarity. I feel he is lying just to string me along...that is in the sense in what I mean if he was dating someone and lied to me about it. So why would he lie? To string me along. He should have nothing to lie about....if he wants to be my friend like he says.

[RayKay]

Even if you are friends, you are also ex's, so there are some more boundaries there.

 

When my ex and I broke up (also as he wanted to be single), we were open about some things (ie if someone went on a date) but would not discuss details of those dates for quite a while. It's been over a year now, and we have both moved on, so there are more details discussed, but there are some things out of respect we would not divulge.

 

He also told me he was still not with anyone, and he was not, and still has not had a relationship since (as he really DOES want to be single right now) but that does not mean he never dated or was celibate either...but he did not end up with someone 'right away' either. So your ex might be telling the truth.

 

I guess the thing to remember is that as ex's there are certain boundaries still until you redefine the relationship into a friendship. If you want to be friends, you need to accept that you cannot be closest tell-all friends yet. In time you can get there, but not until healing is complete on both sides.

[av82]

Don't get me wrong...I have progressed a lot in the past five months...I finally have come to accept the break up...and just came out of the depression mood. Now I am working on being his friend...and go about my life...the problem is...I feel like he is hiding something...like he may possibly be stringing me along...and I know I am not going crazy...because it has been 5 months...and he is still around...confused...any opinions please....

[RayKay]

Well he can only string you along if you let him do so...what would he be stringing you along for? If you suspect he has ulterior motives for friendship, then it might be best to limit the friendship right now..otherwise I think this is a case you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust he is being truthful. Unless there is a definite indication otherwise, but even then he does not owe it to you to provide those details of his private life.

[Mun]

How can he be stringing you along if he does not want to be your boyfriend anymore? There is nothing shady in that statement....it's clear as daylight. He made a choice not to be in a relationship with you.

 

Whether he is dating again or not has really nothing to do with you at this point. It's a separate issue and if you honestly want to be his friend you will understand this and not get into his business. Let him share what he wants when he wants. That's how friends are with each other.

[av82]

The reason why I say he is stringing me along is because we still acted like a couple 3 months after we broke up. He would give me vibes...and he would tell me himself that he had mixed feelings...that is why I say he was stringing me along. And I know I have no business in knowing if he is dating....

 

Everyone here is sounding like I am the bad person here....what about him? He broke up with me...and still is in my life. I let him be in my life...but he is sending mixed signals...he doesn't want to be my boyfriend. Now I understand him wanting his space...but he seems like he wants to be my friend but close to me too. We have argued for days about what the real reason is. I don' t know if I am not explaining myself well...but it seems to be more person reasons...I know it has nothing to do with attraction...and that I am not his type...

 

 

People can say oh well he is making it clear...well obviously he is not...because to me he is not making it that clear....Now if I let him share what he wants when he wants...so is it fair for him to play with my emotions and feelings...what kind of advice is that? No it is not. The point I am trying to make is....we still argued about why we broke up just recently...and it's been five months. Why would he care about what I think or not? And he never said he did not want to be my boyfriend anymore...the issue is he said he sees a possibility if you read it here like I said....so in a way...I do feel like he is stringing me along...only I can speak on the way I feel...and I again thank you for your opinion.

[Mun]

Ok let me agree with you about him stringing you along. He is --and that would be because you in some way allow it. Maybe it's the fact you still want to be in his life and you give him access to yours. So he probably knows you still care about him right? So when he tells you he is confused, needs more time, needs some space it is very unfair to you and to your emotions. I totally understand that. And you know what? You can put a stop to it. You don't have to be strung along and fall victim to his confusion. I know how much that hurts girl.

 

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that you do have power here. You have control over him stringing you along. You can stop that, but only if you are strong enough and know what you want.

 

So in order to stop him from playing with your feelings you tell him something like this "We have cared about each other alot and so I understand your confusion, but you chose to break up with me and I don't think it's fair that your confusion is making me feel that you are stringing me along.. You need to make up your mind one way or the other" and then you limit your contact with him--no behaving as bf/gf. Let him live with his decision to break up with you.

 

You could have done this those 3 months when he was giving you "vibes"if you had told yourself that vibes was not as good as hearing "let's get back together." Trying to read into someone's behavior is always difficult ( I know this first hand) better to get clear answers.