Relationship with mutual friends fading rapidly

[OhioHeartBroken]

I think I have pretty much figured this out for myself but I think what I am looking for is a little reassurance or other peoples insight on what I am thinking. I also just need to vent!! I should start by giving a little background information so this may be a little bit long. Thank you to those who read all of it!

 

My ex and I were best friends for 2 years before we started to date. When we became friends our two groups of friends pretty much merged into one. We all went to a very small high school so we all knew each other pretty wel lanyways even before we started hanging out together. To the point that we were all hanging out together on a regular basis and we were all very close with each other.

 

Now jump ahead 8 1/2 years. Me and my ex are no more. She ended the relationship about 2 months ago and ever since then my relationship with our mutual friends has gone majorly downhill. To the point that I have barely spoken to them at all. I feel like I am making all the effort in trying to keep contact but it seems like I am fighting an uphill battle. When I write them emails I either do not get any response or the response I get is only a few sentences long. I ask them how they are doing and they tell me but they make no effort to ask how I am. If I call them they either don't answer or they just never seem interested in the conversation.

 

For instance, I emailed two of my guy friends last wed. asking them if they wanted to get together a couple days later on friday. They cannot get calls at work so we usually opt for email to communicate during the day. They said that would be cool so I offered up some ideas as to what we could do and told them to call me in the evening because I was going to be away from my email. Wed evening goes by, no call. Thursday comes and goes, no call. Friday rolls around and still no call by 2pm so I decided to make other plans. I almost picked up the phone to call them but then I said to myself do I really want or need people like this at this point in my life. I have not talked to them since this.

 

Before the break up they would call or write all the time. I don't know if they feel like they have to pick one of us over the other or what. I even entertained the thought that my ex might be bad mouthing me in order to get me completely out of the picture. Some of the things she has said to other people have made their way back to me.

 

I know that my ex has been hanging out with them on a regular basis, at least once or twice a week. I have not seen them for 3 weeks. Every time I try to set something up it falls through for some reason or another. Is it wrong for me to want to cut them out of my life?? I have to ask myself whether I feel they are worth the effort or not. I mean we have a lot of history together and I think that is why I am having such a hard time with this. I think I am tryng too hard to hang on to some semblence of my former life. If they truly saw me as a friend they would be calling me asking how I am doing, asking me to do things with them. I don't even know that I want to try and talk to them about everything first before I cut them out. I honestly do not think it would fix anything. The way I see it is since they seem to show no real interest in me anymore I can use the time I would have spent with them rekindling old friendships with friends I just recently got back in contact with.

 

If anyone has any comments or insights I would love to hear them. This is all new territory to me so any response would be appreciated.

[shorty20]

I think you're doing the right thing. Just hang out with other friends... it seems like these friends are part of your past... part of your childhood... that you want to hold on to, but you're smart in thinking that it's time to move on. Time to grow up... time to start making new friends. Maybe these friends will come around later on in life, and try to be friends again, but then it will be up to you whether you have it or not. Personally I wouldn't want to be friends with soemone who can just drop me like that over a break-up. If the break-up was a messy one and your ex could be telling them her side of the story that may be a big part of why they are being so shady... was the break up bad? Was it your choice or hers? And why did it happen?? These are questions that will help you know if you're making the right decison or not. If the break up was bad, and your ex and you parted on bad terms, she may be feeding them her side of the story... and they may be believing her. Even though this is wrong to just hear one side and not even bother to hear the other, if this is the first time they've acted like this it may be worth it to try to explain to them your side of the story.... I'm sorry if I"m all over the place, there's just not enough information to give you my exact advice... it seems like lots of drama for me... too much drama at 25....

[OhioHeartBroken]

The break up was all her idea. We were to be engaged right around now. She had picked out a ring and I bought it for her. We talked A LOT about getting married and what we wanted in the future so she knew how I felt! I was happy, I was not pressured into looking at rings, I was not pressured into buying it either. The ring was probably a little more than I could aford but she was the love of my life and I told myself sometimes it is just money especially when it coms to someone you love with all your heart.

 

In a matter of a few months she went from wanting to get married, having kids and building a house to not wanting to settle down in suburbia because that is boring and not wanting any kids anytime in the near future. She treated me horribly for 3 months but when I would ask he what was wrong I got a different answer every time. Everything from "I think I may be depressed" to "I don't know what is wrong with me". She also is moving out of the state come fall when she graduates from school. She has been telling people that I was settling for her, I was pressured by the salesman to buy her ring. etc... She drudged up problems from our past that she says she never got over.

 

I will be the first to admit that we had our problems in the past that I was pretty sure we had gotten through. We have broken up before but we always ended up back together. Most of our problems came from growing pains, or lack there of...

 

What it comes down to is she is cutting of all the people in her life that would require any kind of emotional support from her. By moving away she does not have to deal with planning a wedding, dealing with her father who has late 2nd stage alzheimers, work through our problems, etc... She has just said a lot of things about me that are very hurtful. I think she is trying to make herself hate me so it makes it easier for her to justify what she is doing and the decisions she has been making. Maybe she is trying to make me hate her. I really don't know.

[shorty20]

well.... it seems like you are handling it very well... but to be completley honest, if I were you I would want to move on with my life anywayz. I would WANT to hang out with new people and start trying new things... it seems like your gf got freaked out about the whole forever thing... but thats just how it looks, it could be alot more than that... she may be trying to tell herself that she is doing the right thing, by finding all these faults that you supposedly did, when in all reality you did nothing wrong. Don't blame yourself... just move on and I know, eventually you'll find someone who will love you and treat you as well as you know how to treat them... don't let this girl discourage you from becoming close to anyone again.... but yes, I would move on and make new friends... it seems it would be too much drama to try and keep the friendships going now anywayz, don't u think?

[lillady898]

I agree that you should just move on from these friends. Any friends who treats you like this really isn't a friend at all. Definetly not a friend worth having, anyways. Obviously you have other friends to hang out with and other things to do. I mean, you were able to make other plans the same day you were supposed to hang out with other friends. Just enjoy new friendships.